To think that DH should come with me to our 12 week scan?

[pinkypanther]

Title says it all really. Have my 12 week scan in 10 days. No one knows I am pregnant apart from DH, one of my friends who lives some distance away, and one workmate - haven't told anyone else because I have a history of MC, and had a bad bleed a few weeks ago so am very worried for the pregnancy

I told DH the date as soon as I had it, and two days ago he said he couldn't come as he is "too busy" at work. Apparently he has a training course to go on. It's now a bit too late to rearrange the scan.

I think he should come with me whatever, it is his baby too, and TBH I am really scared that the scan is going to tell me the baby has stopped developing (this has happened to me previously). If the tables were turned I would move heaven and earth to go with him, but AIBU to expect the same? I am going to be the only person there on my own...

[KangarooCaught]

Good, am glad and, of course, hope all is well at the 12 wk scan.

[theevildead2]

Send it with the "high importance red exclamation" checked next time you email him!

Glad he is coming with you. You were definitly not being unreasonable.

[IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp]

Aww I'm pleased he can go with you.

[mamas12]

23 hours ??

[mamas12]

Hmm so you need to state before any conversation/phonecall/text/email 'THIS IS IMPORTANT'

Go on do it for 23 hours he'll get the message. Cheecky, everything you utter should be important to him

[diddl]

Hope it all goes OK for all of you.

[pinkypanther]

Just bumping this up to say (in case anyone is interested) DH has magically managed to move his training to another day so that he can come with me

Apparently in future I am to communicate better when things are important to me (a bit about that - not sure how much clearer I can be than sending him an email entitled "date for your diary" as soon as I had the date and then discussing it immediately...but hey ho, maybe some men need things spelling out)

[LilyBolero]

at some of the reactions on here!

I understand why you want him to be there, you are very worried about bad news, and although it will probably be fine, you want some support.

However, he may also be scared, he may genuinely not be able to get out of work - if it's training then that is harder than regular work in a way, because he can't make up the time, there are other people booked for that time too. So I don't think he is being unreasonable really. Fwiw, my dh came to my 2 scans for ds1, but didn't come to any for any of the other 3 children.

Good luck with the scan, I'm sure it will be fine. To the people on here suggesting she should leave her husband, or calling him any of the terrible names you have, how exactly is that helping the OP?

[Gemsy83]

You are deffo not being unreasonable. Not because its a moment when you can coo and go gooey eyed at your baby per say, but because its actually an important diagnostic test which as you know only too well can have heartbreaking results. He should be there to support you in this, no matter how scared HE is.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

I think that a lot of people are being very harsh on the OP's DH.
I have a long history of MCs (9+), but with my last pregnancy, DH couldn't come to any of the scans with me. His work wouldn't give him any time off.
OP, IIWY, I would arrange the private scan when he can come.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[FabbyChic]

Considering your history he should most definately go, if you can at all reschedule try to do that today.

Good luck and I hope everything is okay when you go, let us know please.

[happylittlebear]

Does he understand how important it is for you that he is there? I know others have said lots of women go on their own or with a friend/mum/sister but clearly it is important to the op that her dp is there. I think you need to tell him exactly why you want/need him to be there and that if he really cannot make the nhs scan then you will book privately for a date he can attend as it is so important to you to have his support. Tbh it sounds like he is making excuses....too busy to come before/training course/too expensive etc. Especially since you told him the date straight away and he has only just said he is on a course that day. I think you need to be brutally honest with him and if he still does not at least TRY and rearrange work commitments or pay for private then you have your answer about how he really feels.

[darleneconnor]

My ex didn't come to my scan as he was 'too busy'.

He then left before DS was born.

tbh, this is ringing alarm bells for me for your future with this man.

[Chandon]

Why do people always tell an OP to "leave the bastard"?!

My DH did not come to most of my scans, I just always texted him straight after.

He just sometimes could not get out of work commitments, and was saving his free days for when we would really need them (like after the birth!).

I think it is a shame, but I don't think it should be the end of the world.

[Bogeyface]

In light of what you said about him being "too busy" to be with you after your MMC and procedure that he cant deal with these things so deals with them by pretending they arent happening.

Therefore, if he isnt at the scan he doesnt have to think about it if it is bad news and can pretend it didnt happen.

It is selfish, no doubt about it. It isnt as if you can do that! But it is understandable so I would be having a chat with him about it, explain that him attending is non-negotiable because you need him there and see what he says.

Hope you can work it out.

[diddl]

Rearrange the scan.

He can´t have time off so make one for when he can.

Hope it all goes OK.

[onmyfeet]

What I would do is book a scan at the place 5 minutes from his work. But make sure it is a good time, like right after work, or during his lunch break.
Sending healthy pregnancy vibes your way.

[mamas12]

Rearrange the sacan whether it's nhs or private so he can be there as you need him there.
If he doesn't want to be there you need to find out why.
You have to be there so why can't he?

[LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake]

He doesn't want to pay£150 even though you can afford it? Not exactly a catch is he.

[onceamai]

I did an MMC and an ERPC on my own too. DH was at work and it hadn't occurred to me that he should come because it hadn't occurred to me that anything would be wrong -I also knew what DH was doing at work that day and refused to let him be called when it all went wrong because he thre was nothing he could do. Next pg ended at 27 weeks and DH was away on business. He came to the 12 week scan for the next pg, although by then I had had two scans already because of the previous history and although everything looked good had turned into a jibbering wreck. I had to change the times so he could come and only managed it though after a formal complaint about the attitude of the staff who claimed the slots were completely non negotiable. He didn't come to any more ante-natal appointments after that but by then I had been put on the list of the kindest obstetrician in the UK and saw only him for the next 6 months.

Whether DH is there or not for the scan it won't make any difference to the outcome although I understand how much you want him there. I can also see how, in the present climate, time off work can be difficult for this sort of thing and men do find it really difficult to discuss these sorts of reasons with their bosses. Not justifying it as right but they do.

Good luck OP - I'm sure you'll be fine. My DH didn't cope very well at all with this sort of stuff and never really knew what to do and would have been flamed or blown out of a volcano on here on occasion. Twenty years on though and he's a very loving dad but was pretty hopeless at all the ante-natal stuff partly through embarassment, partly through not having done it before (he got better as time went on) and partly because he had(has) a big job and it was genuinely difficult for him to come along quite a lot of the time.

[AnotherMumOnHere]

I cant believe im defending a guy - I havent done that for a v v v long time.

Do you think he has the fears that you have and is too scared to admit?

Why not tell him you are going to arrange a date for when he is available to go with you and see how he reacts ........... that may tell you what you want to know.

Let him know you have your fears too and dont want to go thru them alone.

Good Luck ......... and Congratulations.

I was with one of my daughters for one of her scans on the day my other daughter was actually in labour in another part of the country. Helped me pass the time and take my mind off how things were progressing.

Both had healthy babies just a few weeks apart.

Hope it all goes well for you.

xx

[AliBellandthe40jingles]

singingcat - there is a difference between 'scans' general, and the 12 week scan.

I am 28 weeks and have a growth scan on Wednesday. DH can't come, he'll be working at home so that I don't have to take DS (2.5) to the hospital with me.
But he was there for the 8 week, the 12 week, the repeat 12 week, the 20 week and the repeat 20 week.
He is only 5 months into a new job, but he has been open and frank with his boss, worked into the evenings etc to make up time and they don't feel he has let them down or compromised his work at all.
It is entirely a question of priorites, and the OP's husband has the wrong ones IMHO.

[SkyBluePearl]

ring ASAP and rearrange the scan for a day he can do. Or tell a close friend and ask them to come with you instead. Or insist he spends the money on a private scan so he can be with you

I have a history of loss too (3 M/C's and also 3 kids) but have attended most of the 7/8/12/13/20 week scans on my own due to DH's work commitments. Yes he should have been there really but i didn't mind going on my own/with friend. We are all different though.

[singingcat]

A lot of men (and women who haven't had children) don't realise how upsetting mc can be, especially if they don't think of it as a baby yet. When I was younger, I really didn't comprehend the magnitude of it at all. I thought it was just one of those things that wasn't great and then you tried again. Obviously I realise now how upsetting it is.

Is he one of those relentlessly practical types? If so he may think, what will be will be, my presence isn't going to make any difference.

I think overall YANBU though, you need support.

[Zipitydoda]

Is he able to understand how it would feel for you to be on your own and find out bad news?

He sounds very uncaring is this how he usually behaves?

My DH was abroad and could not come to my 20wk scan with Dc2. I was not worried as 12wk had been fine and my mum was there. When they found something amiss it was sooo awful all I wanted was him, I was lost without him and he felt my pain as well. It all turned out ok in the end but with baby #3 he was due to be away on date of 12 week scan so booked private scan no question of him not being there to support me no question of not spending the money.

You will be raising this baby together as partners and they are supposed to love and support each other. This really isn't a good start to a lifetime of support.