My mother and I have never really gotten on, our relationship has never really been what you would describe as close. When I found out I was pregnant just over 5 years ago, we were not even on speaking terms, but I decided that my baby should know her Grandmother and so I resolved to try and put our differences aside in order for that to happen. Our relationship has never really gotten any better, but her relationship with my Daughter has generally been very good.
My mother used to have my Daughter overnight on a Monday and watch her on a Tuesday while I was at work, and my Grandparents would have my Daughter overnight on a Wednesday and watch her on a Thursday, because I could not afford to pay a full weeks nursery fees (I'm a single mum, with no contribution for my Daughters dad.) This arrangement seemed to go okay, there were a few ups and downs, I had a few problems with the way my mother behaved with my child sometimes as she tended to treat her like she was her daughter, not mine, making decisions without consulting me and even telling my Daughter to keep secrets from me on occassions when she knew that I wouldn't agree with what she had done. There were also times when she would completely disregard things that I had said, even silly things, for example, my Daughter is a huge Disney Princess fan, and so when the Princess and the Frog was shown at the cinema I asked my mother not to take my Daughter to see it as I had promised that I would take her, and when she returned from my mothers house the following day she had been taken to watch it. Although these things did bother me, I just put it down to her being an overbearing Grandparent and short of stopping her from seeing my Daughter, which I did not want to do, as I didn't want to do anything that might upset my Daughter, there wasn't a lot that I could do about it.
However, my Daughter recently started full time school and I did not think it would be fair on her to continue sleeping at other peoples houses during term-time as I want her to be in a proper routine. Also, my daughter had started asking why I didn't pick her up from nursery every day and why she had to sleep at Nana and Grandma's house all the time, so I promised her that when she started 'big school' I would take her to, and collect her from, school everyday and she would spend every night at home in her own bed. I told both my mother and my Grandparents about this at the time and no-one seemed to have a problem with it.
As the new School term approached in September I tried to come to agreements with both my mother and my Grandparents so that they could still see my Daughter every week. My Grandparents agreed to come over to our house on a Wednesday afternoon and have dinner with us, so that they could continue to see my Daughter on a regular basis, and I asked my mother if she would like to have my Daughter on Monday afternoons every week between 4-7 but my mother became quite aggressive, saying that she wanted to have my Daughter on a Monday afternoon from 4-7, a Tuesday afternoon from 4-7, and to have my daughter overnight every Fri until 6pm on a Sat and if I didn't agree she was going to go and see a Solicitor. I then offered to let her have my Daughter on a Monday afternoon from 4-7 and on a Tuesday afternoon from 4 until half past 5 (to take my Daughter to her Ballet Class) as a compromise.
After this disagreement my daughter would become quite aggressive with me when she returned from spending time with my mother, throwing terrible temper tantrums and telling me that I was nasty and that she hated me, I put it down to the fact that she was worried about starting at a new school, but then one day she came home and said to my Grandmother 'My mummy doesn't care about me, she only cares about herself' and when my Grandmother asked her who had said this to her she replied that Nana had said it. This comment had a terrible effect on my Daughter, she became very clingy and would no longer sleep in her own bed at night, she was also very upset. I tried to decide what to do for the best and thought that maybe if I spoke to my mother and told her the effect that those words had had on my Daughter, she might stop, my mother denied ever saying it, but things did seem to start to improve.
When my daughter started school things seemed to be going okay with the new routine, then after 2 weeks I received a letter from a solicitor saying that my mother wanted contact on Monday and Tuesday afternoons from 4-7 and overnight contact once a fortnight from 4pm on a Friday until 6pm on a Saturday. The letter also clearly stated that my mother had told the solicitor that I had stopped all contact between her and my daughter, before my Daughter started school and that I was continuing to refuse her access. I really did not know what to do, but I decided that if she was willing to lie to a Solicitor to try to get her own way and threaten to take me to Court, then it was more than likely that she had been saying things to my Daughter to try to upset her and me, so I decided that I was no-longer comfortable with her having my Daughter unsupervised, as I no longer trusted her to behave in an appropriate manner around my child. At this point (in September) i stopped all contact.
Four months later, things have gone from bad to worse, she has made terrible accusations against me, saying that I have deliberately hurt my Daughter and that she is going to phone Social Services on me. She has threatened to go on the Jeremy Kyle show, and when I told her that there was no way that I would go on there with her, she told me she didn't care, she was only going on to tell the whole world what a terrible person I am, she has told countless lies to my friends and family about me (thankfully most of them know that it is all lies), and since we are now going to Court for a contact order, she is threatening to sue me for her costs, which are going to be at least £1500.
I am sorry for all the rambling, but I wanted to put down as much of the background information as I can think of. There is more, but I don't want to go on too much, because I really need some advice about how to deal with this, I can't afford a solicitor and I'm not entitled to Legal aid because I work part time. I just wondered if anyone has been in a similar situation and can help me, I just want to do what's best for my Daughter, and I can't see how making her spend time with someone who is willing to behave like this can be what's best for her. I also don't understand how a court can force me to allow my mother to see my daughter when she has behaved in such a way. Please help, i'm at my wits end now and really do not know what to do!
Thanks!