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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to confront 'secret' santa or should I let it lie?

90 replies

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 10:32

Genuinely want advice on this. Do I confront it or just get over it and let it lie?

Ok, so dh's side of the family decided to do secret santa and came up with 100 quid as the present amount. I was a bit at the amount but me and dh decided to go in together so it would be 50 quid each spent on us and we buy a gift for 100.00 - rather than 2 gifts for 100.00 each. So we dutifully buy our gift, in fact one gift and gave the outstanding amount in cash.

Then received our 'secret santa' gifts. Basically BIL and SIL turned up with it, so it was from one of them. Anyway, dh has a shirt and I have a (summer ) shirt. And there are NO RECEIPTS! Who spends 50 quid on a shirt without giving a receipt in case it is wrong size or receiver doesn't like it? But maybe that's just me. Still, am a little suspicious, so go on website to check it - and guess what? The item is not there, and not in the sale. I can guarantee it is an unwanted item. Which usually I wouldn't care (it is ok, though not something I'd buy, and doesn't really fit - and I have had obviousl hand me down presents from them before), but in this case, we had this 100.00 budget and everyone had it, so why should they get away with this?

So what do I do? Genuinely let it go? And remember life is bigger than this! Or ask for receipts so we can change item? (They won't be forthcoming). And then ask, "Is this really something you bought for me for fifty quid?" Our relationship with them is already precarious.

OP posts:

coco2901 · 31/12/2010 10:35

Ask for the reciepts... thats one way to know for sure whether they bought them or not. If they won't give you them it says a lot about the type of people they are. YANBU to be a bit miffed but £100 for a secret santa is U- who's idea was that?!

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 31/12/2010 10:36

Maybe they're broke. They might not look it, but a lot goes on behind closed doors.

Or maybe they're tightwads. In which case I'd shut up and put up - but then I hate family rows

SantasENormaSnob · 31/12/2010 10:36

I am normally not arsed about pressies but this takes the piss.

We did secret Santa with my family this year and would have been livid had this happened.

I would have to say something.

valleyqueen · 31/12/2010 10:37

Ring her and thank her for the lovely shirt but say it doesn't fit, and ask if she could in anyway exchange it as you really like it. Then see what her reaction is.

Our family did secret Santa but had a £25 limit, £100 is a lot.

pinkypanther · 31/12/2010 10:38

I don't see anything wrong with ringing and thanking them for the gift, but gently explaining that the shirt doesn't fit, and could you have the receipt so that you can exchange it? That will flush them out if it has been "re-gifted"...

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 10:38

I know the 100.00 is very U. It was one family member's idea, and everyone else agreed despite us saying it was a lot, so we decided the best we could do was for me and dh to go in together. BIL and SIL went in separately (they are loaded) so had 100.00 each spent on them! (despite obv not spending that).

So when receipts are not 'available' (oh no, we've misplaced them!) do we ask any more or let it go?

OP posts:

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 31/12/2010 10:40

Live and learn. I would ask for the receipt which you already know won't be forthcoming but at least lets them know you know what they did. And next year I would say that you are just buying for children.

We did a kriskingle for a couple of years but it was more like a business transaction so we stoppe. One year I got my BIL to buy for. He wanted trainers. I am in another country. So he bought them and I just gave him the money. We just buy for the children now but this year one sis suggested not even doing that.

valleyqueen · 31/12/2010 10:40

I would leave it and Never do secret Santa with them again. Just chalk it up to experience.

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 10:42

Ok, dh texting regarding receipts. We are cowards .

OP posts:

mylifewithmangers · 31/12/2010 10:42

Think you are going to have to let this one go, in aid of the bigger picture. Does sound shite, but there's more at stake here than a couple of shirts, families have not spoken to each other for years over much less (though this may be a good thing???)

Maybe you can persuade the family to re-negotiate the secret santa thing. We tried it for a couple of years with a £75 limit. It descended into the recipient being very specific with their requests, or getting vouchers for the whole amount - which basically meant NO though was being put into the whole process . The final year DP and I ended up buying 5 of the presents (one each for our recipients, our own (to give to the person who was 'giving' to us) and the one for his Mum as he wanted to get the right one. We didn't get the money back for the 3 extra gifts until the following xmas

So now we do a £10 secret santa, which really is secret - all the gifts are unisex and get put in a big bag, each person pulls out one. There is a certain amount of gift swapping, but that's fine and everyone ends up with something they are happy with. Fits well into the austerity measure we are all in too.

swanandduck · 31/12/2010 10:42

I think I would let it go but not get into any Secret Santa arrangements next year. Or insist that a maximum of £25 be agreed. If there are any objections, that would be the time to explain that you don't think £100 is fair as not everyone stuck to that the previous year.

whatkatydidathome · 31/12/2010 10:43

Work out what do you want to achieve and then look at the best way to get it. Ie do you just want to get this off your chest? Do you want to end up disolving any relationship between you and SIL/Bil? etc etc. If you want to maintain the relationship but get your money back then I'd say (openly in front of others if poss) that neither fit so can you have the receipts and/or ask them to take them back for you. However you may need to accept that fact that they have pulled a fast one (possibly as they are broke) and that you cannot maintain the relationship so need to just write off the £100 and refuse to do SS next year - have to admit that £100 SS sounds like a completely stupid idea unless you are all millionaires (in which case I assume that you would not be so bothered) . How on earth did you end up doing SS for this much? Whose idea was it? I thought that the whole idea of SS was that (a) it was a secret (so how do you know it was SIL etc) and that it was a token pressie.

verytellytubby · 31/12/2010 10:45

£100 is crazy.

Ewe · 31/12/2010 10:45

Even if they don't have receipts they should be able to tell you what shop they "bought" them from as most places will exchange without receipt. Cheeky fuckers.

I would have to say something, it is the principle not about the gift!

FakePlasticTrees · 31/12/2010 10:46

Say it doesn't fit, can they give you the reciept to change it. If they don't have the receipt, ask them if they bought it on a card in which case they can come with you to the shop with their statement and failing that, can they confirm which store they bought it in and roughly tell you the date, as most will do a straight exchange for a different size without a receipt.

If they aren't able to do any of that, then you know they didn't stick to budget, and they know they've as good as told you, but you don't need to call them out on it. Then next year say no to a secret santa unless the budget is closer to £20.

pawsnclaws · 31/12/2010 10:50

I would ask if they have the receipt (gushing about how much you love the shirt) - then assuming no receipt is forthcoming wrap it up for your SIL next year. Obviously you know she would like one as you loved the one she bought for you this Christmas ..... .

swanandduck · 31/12/2010 10:52

If they're having money problems they should never have agreed to a £100 SS, and then let everyone else spend that amount, knowing they couldn't reciprocate. so I wouldn't accept that as an excuse.

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 31/12/2010 10:55

£100 sounds crazy until you factor in how many people take part and how much you would normally spend. If you'd usually spend £25 on an adult family member (and I don't but a lot do) then if there's more than 6 taking part you've saved money.

Bloody cheeky though, I like the refitting them back next year idea!

RockinRobinBird · 31/12/2010 10:56

£100 SS is insane. If someone is going to spend £100 on you, you want it to be something you want. You could have got a kindle for that

MardyBra · 31/12/2010 10:57

The problem with £100 per secret santa is that all your eggs are in one basket to speak. If you get the shitty present buyer then you're stuffed.

backwardpossom · 31/12/2010 11:03

Do you like the shirt?

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 11:04

I doubt it is money issues. As I said, dh and I went in as a couple as everyone else thought 100.00 was ok! I was the ONLY person protesting it, and felt a bit odd as it is not 'my' family and didn't want to push it. We spend a tenner in my family too. Everyone was given the option, to go in as a couple rather than singly. But they didn't want to.

I think we will ask for receipts, and then the exchange. And if it doesn't happen will have to let it go, but that's one more nail in the coffin of our relationship. More because I feel like they would do it to us, but not to anyone else. They wouldn't dare. Or just love and respect them more. But we're pushovers.

Good question, whatkatydid, regarding what I want to achieve from it. It's really not about the money, but it is about me feeling disrespected. And not wanting to let them get away with this - again. SIL is often saying undermining things to me and I never retort (am usually too and only think of things to say afterwards). So, what I want to achieve, I think, is to let them know I know they have pulled a fast one on me, and I am not happy with it at all, but I will let go because as someone else said, it is a couple of shirts, and our children are cousins, and I would like them to be good friends.

As regards the secret aspect of it. Well, they could have left it under the tree on xmas day, as we only went there yesterday for a family party, and I wouldn't have known (though would have guessed, most others would give vouchers/ cash/ receipts as they always do). But have a feeling they didn't sort it out until late. And then walked in with the bag yesterday and said, 'Here is your Santa'.

OP posts:

penguin73 · 31/12/2010 11:06

If they use the 'no receipts' excuse say that you will try approaching the store directly for an exchange as most shops will do that and ask where they got them from...good luck!

Original poster

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 11:07

Backwardpossom, the shirt is ok. I would pay 15quid for it in Tesco and wear it for everday, but it is a more expensive brand. And it is too small (though I am planning on losing a bit of weight...we'll see it may fit by July which is time of year it is suitable for).

OP posts:

penguin73 · 31/12/2010 11:07

Oops, someone has already said that, sorry! Note to self, read whole thread before commenting.

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