to confront 'secret' santa or should I let it lie?

[MerryMarigold]

Genuinely want advice on this. Do I confront it or just get over it and let it lie?

Ok, so dh's side of the family decided to do secret santa and came up with 100 quid as the present amount. I was a bit at the amount but me and dh decided to go in together so it would be 50 quid each spent on us and we buy a gift for 100.00 - rather than 2 gifts for 100.00 each. So we dutifully buy our gift, in fact one gift and gave the outstanding amount in cash.

Then received our 'secret santa' gifts. Basically BIL and SIL turned up with it, so it was from one of them. Anyway, dh has a shirt and I have a (summer ) shirt. And there are NO RECEIPTS! Who spends 50 quid on a shirt without giving a receipt in case it is wrong size or receiver doesn't like it? But maybe that's just me. Still, am a little suspicious, so go on website to check it - and guess what? The item is not there, and not in the sale. I can guarantee it is an unwanted item. Which usually I wouldn't care (it is ok, though not something I'd buy, and doesn't really fit - and I have had obviousl hand me down presents from them before), but in this case, we had this 100.00 budget and everyone had it, so why should they get away with this?

So what do I do? Genuinely let it go? And remember life is bigger than this! Or ask for receipts so we can change item? (They won't be forthcoming). And then ask, "Is this really something you bought for me for fifty quid?" Our relationship with them is already precarious.

Unfair gift exchanges have nothing to do with money - they have everything to do with power and status. When someone gives you a present that is manifestly unequal, it's a very unsubtle sign of contempt.

magichomes, that is EXACTLY how I feel she treats me, with contempt - a lot of the time. And why I (over)reacted. Thanks for clarifying...I've always thought I was being generous in giving her and her family much nicer gifts than we received, but maybe I should read this Marcel Mauss guy and re-think it. Am I saying, "Oh, you are so much better than me and deserve so much more"?

Still don't see how a pale blue cotton shirt with floral trim can be in the Autumn/ Winter range, but I don't care as long as I can change it!

magichomes, the thing is that most of that overt and aggressive superiority is because the person is v insecure (maybe your PIL is, because he feels his background was not as 'good' as your parents'). In my SIL's case I know her insecurity is some of it, but doesn't lessen the hurt when she puts me down. She is a very obvious social climber too and I think she is just very confused that I am happy with a mouldy bathroom in East London!

Not read all the replies sorry - but fully understand your frustration. I would get out of the secret santa situation asap. We had this with my SIL - each year she engineered it so that she ended up with us giving her vouchers for her favourite dress shop and I think I got a book from amazon. I don't care about getting something but didn't like the under-handed nature of it and the greed. We opted out of secret santa in exchange for getting things for the kids only. Its really only the kids who need stuff anyway imo.

I thought that the £100 (or other designated amount) was the maximum to spend, not the minimum. Is that not the case?

You can choose your IL's I suppose. (My family are all lovely!). But I suppose it wouldn't be a good enough reason to turn down an offer of marriage: "Sorry I can't marry you, but your SIL is toxic!"

bullet, in this case it was the amount we were all supposed to be spend, not a min or a max. Bad idea though!

The whole thing is not my idea of Christmas or Christmas pressies at all.

I'd say just buy for the children.

My DD has been really sweet about doing secret santa with a couple of groups of her friends.
But they kept it secret, and got cute things on a tiny budget !

I thought the idea was "don't spend more than a tenner" etc. If you can get something nice from a charity shop, or re-gift something then I'd say all's fair in love and secret santa.
But I know not everyone sees it that way.

Family relationships are worth more, even than £100 ! :)
Put it down to experience for the sake of the children, and of peace.

Do something different next year !

Arf at 'batman'. You would have appreciated the 'But he was a Clerk' bit even if I am very slightly rather ashamed

It does bring into focus the whole politics of present giving. I think there is a politics to it as post below suggests (Marcel Mauss). I think presents can be seen as a measure of what someone thinks of you. It is about the distribution of resources.

How does someone feel if their parent or grandparent spends considerably more on their cousin/sibling than they do on them? It is telling you something. One advantage of unemployment is that we said we are not doing presents and want nothing in return.

What's the label on the shirt Marigold? (if you don't mind saying)

Could it be a shirt they got from TK Maxx at all? i.e. a big label brand at 75% off (as their ad slogan goes).

Could also explain how they got you a summery shirt?

Hopefully they'll send you a receipt soon

we had a pact with siblings on my side that they could buy the children anything they wanted - but they could spend maximum £5 on us - i.e. £2.50 each, or a joint £5 pressie.

The results were hilarious, we would search for ages for the perfectly naff gift that was so wrong it was right..one year I got a pretend fish "tank" with plastic fish about 9" tall. Class. In return, I bought my sibs a salt an pepper set in the shape of cats.

The fun of it plus the endless searching from August made the gifts far more personal than a voucher or a shirt.

So glad to hear it was all right, MerryMarigold. It's not nice at all to be feeling that angry around Christmas and New Year - no work to take minds off it!

magichomes, that was a brilliant and very profound contribution. Thanks so much.