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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront 'secret' santa or should I let it lie?

90 replies

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 10:32

Genuinely want advice on this. Do I confront it or just get over it and let it lie?

Ok, so dh's side of the family decided to do secret santa and came up with 100 quid as the present amount. I was a bit Shock at the amount but me and dh decided to go in together so it would be 50 quid each spent on us and we buy a gift for 100.00 - rather than 2 gifts for 100.00 each. So we dutifully buy our gift, in fact one gift and gave the outstanding amount in cash.

Then received our 'secret santa' gifts. Basically BIL and SIL turned up with it, so it was from one of them. Anyway, dh has a shirt and I have a (summer Hmm) shirt. And there are NO RECEIPTS! Who spends 50 quid on a shirt without giving a receipt in case it is wrong size or receiver doesn't like it? But maybe that's just me. Still, am a little suspicious, so go on website to check it - and guess what? The item is not there, and not in the sale. I can guarantee it is an unwanted item. Which usually I wouldn't care (it is ok, though not something I'd buy, and doesn't really fit - and I have had obviousl hand me down presents from them before), but in this case, we had this 100.00 budget and everyone had it, so why should they get away with this?

So what do I do? Genuinely let it go? And remember life is bigger than this! Or ask for receipts so we can change item? (They won't be forthcoming). And then ask, "Is this really something you bought for me for fifty quid?" Our relationship with them is already precarious.

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 13:07

Question for the OP - what there any discussion at the outset about:

a) what happened if the chosen gift was less than £100
b) whether receipts where to be provided
c) if its was £100 actually spent, or £100 original list price?

classydiva · 31/12/2010 13:10

YOu ask where it was purchased from so you can get a credit note or exchange for something of the same value.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 13:19

Hang on here. It is not about a business contract or about the money or whether I will wear the present. It is about us feeling disrespected that dh's own brother would do this - and very unlikely to do to others in family. I just want them to know we know and that we are not pushovers but that we will be graceful about it. It's just not nice to be treated like that, and that;s what I'm annoyed about. In the meantime, asking for receipts etc is to give them the opportunity to make it all ok in case I have totally and utterly misjudged this.

Dh's brother has just had a CONSIDERABLE promotion and pay rise. It is not that they can't afford it, trust me. They spent a lot of money on each other if they are broke. And they had the chance to go in as a couple.

And no, Christmas is not what this about. We won't be doing it next year. And will give everyone a small gift without expecting anything back. (I never do, but with this whole SS thing set at a high amount - for us - we did expect it).

Receipt update: Dh's brother is 'looking for them'. Next update likely to be: Oh no, can't find them, must have thrown them away.

Backwardpossom, would it be better for me to be outright aggressive and say: look, I know you have given me an old thing you didn't want. And I am annoyed, because I don't think that was very loving or kind. But it's not worth falling out over. I just want you to know that I know, and I don't like it.

OP posts:
Katisha · 31/12/2010 13:21

I think, come the non-existant receipts, that you are going to have to chalk this one up to experience and next year say £100 is too much.

backwardpossom · 31/12/2010 13:25

No OP, I think it would be better to say nothing and move on knowing that you wont be entering into this next year. It's hardly the crime of the century. Hmm

RockinRobinBird · 31/12/2010 13:25

Sorry, I read the op as it is ok, though not something I'd buy, and doesn't really fit . Whether the op plans to lose weight is neither here nor there. If she doesn't she has an item that is no good to her which supposedly cost a lot of money. If it was a tenner I'd let it go. For £50 I'd want it changed.

FrostyAndSlippery · 31/12/2010 13:26

If you can be absolutely sure they have spent much less, you should confront them IMO. And more importantly let the others in the family know about it.

Yes, people are much more important than stuff. But as OP said it's not about the money or the shirt. It's about the fact that they have totally screwed her over.

It's all very well just 'letting them know you're on to them" but if you don't actually tell everyone else, you just give them the message that they can get away with it.

plupervert · 31/12/2010 13:30

"Look, it is a summer short, and that means you have given me an old thing you didn't want. And I am annoyed, because I don't think that was very loving or kind. But it's not worth falling out over. I just want you to know that I know, and I don't like it."

What's aggressive about that? It's hurt, and justifiably so.

And tell other people in the family. Let the gossip be the Christmas present you didn't get!

Katisha · 31/12/2010 13:32

i don't think that confrontation will be a good thing. They will know you are on to them having asked for the receipts. Leave it there. There is an outside chance the shirts did manage to cost £50 each...

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 13:35

But if the couple couldn't afford to pay the 50 pound each why didn't they say so at the begining like the OP? They EACH wanted hundred pound presents! Shock YANBU OP

ilovesooty · 31/12/2010 13:35

"They will know you are on to them having asked for the receipts."

Agree with Katisha

I can understand why it's about being disrespected, and in your position I wouldn't do it next year or ever again either.

plupervert · 31/12/2010 13:45

"But if the couple couldn't afford to pay the 50 pound each why didn't they say so at the begining like the OP? They EACH wanted hundred pound presents!"

Exactly! They are cheapskates who don't want to lose face themselves, who are nevertheless happy to let someone else "lose face" by "admitting they can't afford £100 - pfff!".

whoknowswherethewindblows · 31/12/2010 13:47

They sound very like my DH's brother and his wife.

We asked them what they wanted for christmas and they said money for their baby and B and Q vouchers for themselves so we got them. They gave us a single small photo frame from Asda.

They would have no qualms whatsoever about pulling a stunt like this. We ceased to have contact with them nearly four years ago (over an unrelated and far more serious matter!)

I like not having them in our lives. It would be nice if my children knew their cousins, but sadly, their children are being raised by them and by the accounts of everyone else in the family are being dragged up and are very spoilt and badly behaved.

My children are growing up with my friends children, who are far nicer and better behaved!

onadietcokebreak · 31/12/2010 13:55

I would ring the shop for advice. They can probably run code through till and tell you last selling price.

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 13:56

The more I think about it the more it would annoy me. They each wanted £100 presents and probably got them.

And instead of giving £100 presents they have given cast offs - either unwanted gifts or stuff they picked up cheap, sorry there are no summer shirts around the summer shirt is from a previous season.

TBH I think its very very bad form to ever give clothes (ie something that might not fit) without a receipt. For an expensive gift (eg more than £20 I would always enclose the receipt, usually inside an envelope.)

carrotcake29 · 31/12/2010 14:02

Has your oh text them yet??? I want to know what they have to say for themselves! I would never do this - I would be terrified of being found out!

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 15:05

Ok, we got our answer. I feel a lot better, and I was (mostly) wrong. Hold my hands up there. And feeling a bit bad for maligning them.

  • They have the receipt for my shirt, so I can change it. (So was not old present despite seeming well out of season).
  • They don't have receipt for dh's but are willing to buy him another one he likes, which is kind.
  • They spent a tenner over a hundred, so decided to make one of dh's items his birthday present, which is a bit Hmm and why it didn't seem to add up, but they did admit they were being cheeky there.

So all in all, I feel ok now. I'm glad it's all out in the open. I wish they'd inlcuded the receipts (apparently mine is a gift receipt anyway) and it would have saved all this. I totally jumped to a conclusion because of lack of receipts - couldn't understand why someone would buy such an expensive item of clothing without including a receipt unless there was something fishy going on...

So, I get to choose something I do really like and that may fit me better from somewhere other than Tesco's - which is exciting. Unless the receipt 'gets lost in the post' Wink [stop it NOW, MM..]

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 15:16

Well, partly jumped to conclusion because of lack of receipts, and partly because SIL has been quite openly horrid to me in the past. Just relieved that this is not part of all that, and that all the other stuff can remain separate rather than adding to it.

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 31/12/2010 15:23

Shall we take bets on whether the receipt materialises Wink

magichomes · 31/12/2010 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 31/12/2010 15:30

Lovely ending, I'm so glad there's not going to be any bad feeling Xmas Smile

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/12/2010 15:32

glad it seems to have sorted out

but yes wonder when receipt will arrive ......

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 15:36

Cool, and good for you for putting hands up.. Don't feel too guilty though..not until you actually see the reciept!

Suprised as it was a gift receipt that it wasn't included in the box though as that's the point of them (since there is no price) although in your case why not put a normal receipt as should be about 50 quid, no suprises?

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 31/12/2010 15:36

magichomes we have the same dynamics with my ex PILs and my family. MIL is an enoooooooooormous snob. PIL is laid back and like me couldn't give a stuff. I caused a massive family row once (well actually I don't think I did, I think it was her fault but I should have kept quiet) when she openly announced that my family wasn't as good as hers (FFS! And she meant hers not hers as in them, the PILs) and then went on to list randomness like foreign holidays and what a gentleman her father was (yes that will be the one who shagged his way through his office, quite notorious from what she's let slip lol).

I retorted with "Yes but your Father was a clerk'. And you say 'sweet' and 'serviette'"

Should have kept my mouth shut. Especially as I couldn't give a flying f**k what her or anyone's father did/does. She just really really got to me that time.

magichomes · 31/12/2010 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.