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Original poster

to confront 'secret' santa or should I let it lie?

90 replies

MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 10:32

Genuinely want advice on this. Do I confront it or just get over it and let it lie?

Ok, so dh's side of the family decided to do secret santa and came up with 100 quid as the present amount. I was a bit Shock at the amount but me and dh decided to go in together so it would be 50 quid each spent on us and we buy a gift for 100.00 - rather than 2 gifts for 100.00 each. So we dutifully buy our gift, in fact one gift and gave the outstanding amount in cash.

Then received our 'secret santa' gifts. Basically BIL and SIL turned up with it, so it was from one of them. Anyway, dh has a shirt and I have a (summer Hmm) shirt. And there are NO RECEIPTS! Who spends 50 quid on a shirt without giving a receipt in case it is wrong size or receiver doesn't like it? But maybe that's just me. Still, am a little suspicious, so go on website to check it - and guess what? The item is not there, and not in the sale. I can guarantee it is an unwanted item. Which usually I wouldn't care (it is ok, though not something I'd buy, and doesn't really fit - and I have had obviousl hand me down presents from them before), but in this case, we had this 100.00 budget and everyone had it, so why should they get away with this?

So what do I do? Genuinely let it go? And remember life is bigger than this! Or ask for receipts so we can change item? (They won't be forthcoming). And then ask, "Is this really something you bought for me for fifty quid?" Our relationship with them is already precarious.

OP posts:
plupervert · 31/12/2010 12:16

Get DH to rumour it around the family, so someone else is on the case of these selfish and rude people. Someone "they wouldn't dare" to do the same to.

I would be mightily pissed off if my child/sib and spouse thought this was an acceptable thing to do to another member of the family, and would liberally use cheapskate jobs after I had told the offenders about the apology they owed.

(Can you tell I'm longing to be a feared old bat?!)

BibiBlocksberg · 31/12/2010 12:21

"So we dutifully buy our gift, in fact one gift and gave the outstanding amount in cash"

By the time you're forced to think in terms of 'giving the outstanding amount' where presents are concerned it's time to call a halt.

Cheeky blighters - voice of doom here reckons you won't get very far with this but I sure as hell would never buy these two another present of any worth ever again.

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 12:22

Others have said, £100 is insane amount for secret santa, unless each person had a wish list or receipts are provided.

If no receipts forthcoming, ask where from as most shops will exchange stuff bought in last couple of months.... if no straight answer then refuse to do secret santa again and give them back next year. And tell Dh's parents how p*ssed off you are.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/12/2010 12:24

£100 is insane for ss Shock

£20/25 is fine

though i did several ones with nannies and spent £5

i would ask for a receipt and if they dont have one etc then ask what shop and say you will take it back

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/12/2010 12:25

as in the amount for the nannies one was £5,not that i spent £5 when should have been £20/25

cees · 31/12/2010 12:28

I can't believe the amount of people who would just let this go. I'm not such a doormat that I would put up with that shite. The only reason they did that to you is because they think they will get away with it and you won't stand up for yourself.

So prove them wrong and they won't treat you like fools again.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 31/12/2010 12:32

Glad I am not the only one to think 100.00 is ridiculous. I was made to feel like the ridiculous one! We will not do it next year, for sure. It has been a hassle from start to finish, but I didn't want to make dh feel excluded from his family. Bibiblock, I felt awful giving cash, but we had aged uncle/ aunt to buy for and it was really hard. Dh didn't want my ideas, so I said he could sort it out. Ended up cash and small gift for aunt (easier to buy for)!

Dh has text and asked for receipts as 'it was a lot of money and we will only get sale price if we exchange'.

The shops are obvious from the label so if necessary will take it back. There is a fairly local store for my shirt, I'd just be interested in them saying, "Oh that's summer 2007!".

OP posts:
mutznutz · 31/12/2010 12:32

This is REALLY not what Christmas is all about is it Lol?

I would just live and learn from it..and never enter into anything like that again.

TrillianAstra · 31/12/2010 12:35

Even if you weren't suspicious about the cost - you were bought a shirt, it doesn't fit, so you ask for the receipt so you can exchange it for one that does fit. Simples. Surely no-one is stupid enough to buy an item of clothing as a gift and then throw away the receipt?

backwardpossom · 31/12/2010 12:38

Hmm, if you like the shirts, I would probably just let it lie and vow never to enter into it again.

MrsMellowDrummer · 31/12/2010 12:39

If it were me I think I'd let it go, although I might mention it to a few other family members (discretely).

We do a family secret santa (for adults), and spend £75 aprox per head. It works really well - it's between 9 people, so we do save quite a bit of money. You put forward a "wish list" under a pseudonym, and then all identities are kept strictly top secret. Result is that everybody gets something they have been looking forward to given to them, and there is a bit of magic and excitement in the whole ritual of guessing who you're buying for. Lots of fun when we all get together on Christmas day, anyway.

RockinRobinBird · 31/12/2010 12:41

Why would you let it lie if a £50 shirt doesn't fit?

tingletangle · 31/12/2010 12:42

FGS just leave it. Surely your relationship is worth more than this.

It was exchanging presents not a business contract.

MumNWLondon · 31/12/2010 12:42

no, if you have the receipts you'll get the whole amount back.... unless they were bought ages and ages ago. as there are no summer shirts in the shop, i'd guess they are not this seasons.

i would text back:

"no, i called the shop, if i have receipt will get the full amount back for recently bought stuff, please can i have the reciept"

just shows why £100 secret santa is a dreadful idea - i just bought 6 shirts in tm lewin yesterday, they say £57 on the label but were £10 each.

Katisha · 31/12/2010 12:42
plupervert · 31/12/2010 12:45

"It was exchanging presents, not a business contract."

Exchanging presents is a social contract, though.

tingletangle · 31/12/2010 12:48

I don't think giving presents should be a social contract which is why I would never take part in the first place tbh. If I give someone a present I don't expect or even want anything back.

But if I had been pressured into thie scenario I would not care what I was given back, a bag of mint imperials would do me ( which is saying something as I hate mints)

They must have a reason for doing this, why humiliate them?

carrotcake29 · 31/12/2010 12:50

If I knew that there was a set price of £100 I would spend that amount! To do this and spend a lot less than £100 is taking the mickey because they knew they would get a decent gift but couldnt be bothered to return the favour. Don't let it go unless you have to!

backwardpossom · 31/12/2010 12:53

Rockin the OP said the shirt is ok. I would pay 15quid for it in Tesco and wear it for everday, but it is a more expensive brand. And it is too small (though I am planning on losing a bit of weight...we'll see it may fit by July which is time of year it is suitable for) which is why I would just let it lie. Is it worth the aggro?

tingletangle · 31/12/2010 12:55

Carrot maybe something happened so they could not spend the dull amount.

The OP admits that it is an expensive brand so they may have spent the full amount or close to it.

It is just stuff, surely people matter more than stuff.

SauvignonBlanche · 31/12/2010 12:57

We do SS for the adults in my family, we don't stipulate an amount but most spend about £30 - 50 except for one sister (who is not poor) who gives cast-offs and tack. DH got her last year and I got her this year. Xmas Sad I moaned on IABU last year about it and got flamed - I won't make the same mistake this year! Xmas Wink

plupervert · 31/12/2010 12:57

Secret Santa and setting price limits is already a social contract. By accepting getting involved at that point, all the participants ought to have accepted their obligations.

cees · 31/12/2010 12:59

Seriously stand up for yourself and make it clear that you won't be made a fool of, ever again.

They did this because they fully expect to get away with it.

They agreed to spent £100, which they haven't done, so pull them up on it.

backwardpossom · 31/12/2010 13:02

The OP said it was £100 on them as a couple. So the shirts could have been £50 each. Based on what the OP has said about it being a more expensive brand, it's not entirely inconceivable that they did spend that on the shirts. I've seen £50 shirts in Next, for example.

I suspect that isn't the case, but I wouldn't let it bother me to the point of thinking of sneaky ways of finding out if they did spend the money or not. How passive aggressive can you get?

cees · 31/12/2010 13:05

I'm more assertive meself Wink

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