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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really angry at my brother (and mum)

99 replies

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:02

Db has been engaged for about 2 months. I've only met her a couple of times but she seems really lovely.

Db is a complete mummy's boy and I foresaw that this would be the clashpoint. He is 29 and lives at home with absolutely everything done for him. He has been funded through uni twice by dm but has now set up a franchise business from home (which didn't need a degree, let alone a masters) which netted him 2k last year. He works very minimal hours doing this. He pays £25 per week rent and dm has bought him a brand new car which he pays a very small amount towards.

Db's fiancee agreed to move to Cornwall (where he is) after uni, where she is almost qualified as a midwife. There are very few midwife jobs in Cornwall so I thought she was crazy to say this but figured she's in love and will do whatever for him.

Having spent Christmas in Cornwall with them though the fiancee has realised that db doesn't function well under dm's roof and turns into a baby. This has made her very unhappy. She has asked him to reconsider moving somewhere else and if he loved her he would want to make her happy. He says that he agreed to marry her on the agreement that they would stay in Cornwall, and he wouldn't be prepared to give up the 2 years work he's put into his business.

Cue lots of arguments 2 nights ago with df trying to work out their relationship, dm locked them in the house so they climbed out of the window to go for a walk and try to sort things out. I'm obviously unaware of the contents of their conversations, but it looks to me like the problem is that df feels like db loves dm more than her.

Last night things were a little calmer although not amazing. They are sleeping in separate rooms due to religious leanings, and as they were going to bed dm told db to turn off his phone because he needed a good night sleep and didn't want any more nonsense with her texting etc as she had done before. AND HE DID.

Db knows that dm having control is the main issue and he did this at her request. I totally understand her not wanting any more trouble in her house but if he'd just put his foot down and said he was in control, would do anything for his wife-to-be I'm pretty sure everything would be fine.

As it is he slept like a baby and in the morning she announces that the wedding's off and she's taken an overdose. She starts attacking dm and db, gives dm a nosebleed. An ambulance is called, who call for the police, who then call for backup because she escapes and also attacks a policeman. She's eventually taken to hospital.

Obviously this end bit of behaviour is pretty unacceptable but she's a heartbroken hysterical young girl. I feel so sad for her. She's been snubbed for her mil and a rubbish job. I think in her circumstances I'd have lost the plot too. Of course db and dm are just saying how unhinged she is, and how he's better off out of there.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 30/12/2010 23:05

Poor girl, I hope she has the support she needs from her friends and family. Have her family been contacted?

junkcollector · 30/12/2010 23:06

Shock Blimey.

mutznutz · 30/12/2010 23:07

I'm sorry but for all your brother's and mum's faults I'd say Hell Yes! He's better off out of that relationship.

At the end of the day, you simply can't go round attacking people because you're stressed or heartbroken. If she were a he...would you still feel sad?

Lonnie · 30/12/2010 23:07

wow... Shock actually I think she should run for the hills and in a few years she will count it as a lucky escape..

stoatie · 30/12/2010 23:09

and her behaviour may well have screwed her career (NMC take very dim view of assault, professional image etc).

blackeyedsusan · 30/12/2010 23:09

SHE is better off out of there, never mind db (sorry)

She shouldn't have been violent though.

they don't sound like they are ready for marriage yet.

yanu to be cross with all of them really.

I hope it all sorts itself out one way or another.

MorticiaAddams · 30/12/2010 23:09

To be brutally honest, it sounds as though the overdose was an ultimatum not a genuine attempt at suicide but it's still a horrible thing to go through.

If you want to do something good for her then you should speak to her and explain that there's nothing wrong with her, it's your mother and brother that have the problems and she is better off cutting her ties with him now and getting on with her life.

She really doesn't sound strong enough to deal with a mil like that and a weak husband.

cosysocks · 30/12/2010 23:09

Poor thing sounds like she had a lucky escape. Hope she gets her life back on track.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 30/12/2010 23:09

Sorry to sound flippant but it doesn't sound like there was much going for their relationship.

You need to say your piece to your mum and db though about their ridiculous unhealthy relationship.

EminentlyImminent · 30/12/2010 23:10

Christ. Don't know what to say really. She's had a lucky escape. Although not a great exit plan (she actually punched your mother?).

Your mum locked them in the house?

Do you know if she (DF) is okay?

Is your mum always like this? She sounds pretty unhinged...is your Dad around or is DB 'the man of the house'?

junkcollector · 30/12/2010 23:10

Your brother doesn't sound ready for commitment. However I don't think he can be blamed for her reaction. Hysterics yes but she was violent and that should never be condoned.

BitOfFun · 30/12/2010 23:10

They are both better off away from this sorry mess.

MadamDeathstare · 30/12/2010 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/12/2010 23:14

Poor girl. She's better off out of the relationship, there's no room in it by the sounds of it. What does your father make of it all?

It sounds very much like the recent drama with Francesca Annis... Shock

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:19

Her mother has apparently collected her and taken her back to Birmingham. I would like to give her some support and reassurance that she wasn't going mad and her fears were not unfounded but I don't have any contact details for her.

My Dad died last year, I think that's why dm is even more keen for db to stay at home (although their relationship was crazy too).

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 23:21

She really screwed her career, unfortunately.

All over your brother, who's, well, a nob.

borderslass · 30/12/2010 23:22

I personally think she's better off out of the relationship, but I also think your DB should run for the hills as well or he'll still be under your DM's control for years to come.

MadamDeathstare · 30/12/2010 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:25

I know but he won't. He's a much nicer person when he doesn't live with dm, he even lived in Chile for a year.
But everytime he goes back home he turns into a wet blanket.

OP posts:
slugz · 30/12/2010 23:25

I'm not on facebook, don't know how it works.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 30/12/2010 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:26

Because my mother's insane?

OP posts:
Guitargirl · 30/12/2010 23:26

God, sorry, bit of a mess but it doesn't exactly sound like a match made in heaven does it? He needs someone more willing to put up with his ties to his DM and she needs someone more easily adaptable to the highly-strung type...

mutznutz · 30/12/2010 23:28

Well I may be in a minority here but....

If your brother was let's say 'normal' in a relationship sense and they had a proper relationship without him being a Mummy's boy. Then like all couples they encountered a very stressful situation in their lives...would you really want him married to such a violent woman???

I just can't help thinking the replies here might be a bit different if the violent one who attacked him, gave your Mum a nosebleed, escaped from the police and then assaulted a police officer was the man?

Violence is violence at the end of the day and she needs to control it.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:29

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon that they're not getting married, I was very nervous how db was going to treat her anyway.
I'm just very sad tonight that a lovely young girl has screwed up her life for him, when he would not do a thing for her.

OP posts:
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