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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really angry at my brother (and mum)

99 replies

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:02

Db has been engaged for about 2 months. I've only met her a couple of times but she seems really lovely.

Db is a complete mummy's boy and I foresaw that this would be the clashpoint. He is 29 and lives at home with absolutely everything done for him. He has been funded through uni twice by dm but has now set up a franchise business from home (which didn't need a degree, let alone a masters) which netted him 2k last year. He works very minimal hours doing this. He pays £25 per week rent and dm has bought him a brand new car which he pays a very small amount towards.

Db's fiancee agreed to move to Cornwall (where he is) after uni, where she is almost qualified as a midwife. There are very few midwife jobs in Cornwall so I thought she was crazy to say this but figured she's in love and will do whatever for him.

Having spent Christmas in Cornwall with them though the fiancee has realised that db doesn't function well under dm's roof and turns into a baby. This has made her very unhappy. She has asked him to reconsider moving somewhere else and if he loved her he would want to make her happy. He says that he agreed to marry her on the agreement that they would stay in Cornwall, and he wouldn't be prepared to give up the 2 years work he's put into his business.

Cue lots of arguments 2 nights ago with df trying to work out their relationship, dm locked them in the house so they climbed out of the window to go for a walk and try to sort things out. I'm obviously unaware of the contents of their conversations, but it looks to me like the problem is that df feels like db loves dm more than her.

Last night things were a little calmer although not amazing. They are sleeping in separate rooms due to religious leanings, and as they were going to bed dm told db to turn off his phone because he needed a good night sleep and didn't want any more nonsense with her texting etc as she had done before. AND HE DID.

Db knows that dm having control is the main issue and he did this at her request. I totally understand her not wanting any more trouble in her house but if he'd just put his foot down and said he was in control, would do anything for his wife-to-be I'm pretty sure everything would be fine.

As it is he slept like a baby and in the morning she announces that the wedding's off and she's taken an overdose. She starts attacking dm and db, gives dm a nosebleed. An ambulance is called, who call for the police, who then call for backup because she escapes and also attacks a policeman. She's eventually taken to hospital.

Obviously this end bit of behaviour is pretty unacceptable but she's a heartbroken hysterical young girl. I feel so sad for her. She's been snubbed for her mil and a rubbish job. I think in her circumstances I'd have lost the plot too. Of course db and dm are just saying how unhinged she is, and how he's better off out of there.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Morloth · 31/12/2010 09:58

All three of them sound a bit unbalanced TBH, she shouldn't have gotten violent though.

Did I miss it when you said how old DB and his Ex are?

If I was you I would distance myself completely from the situation, it is a problem, but it doesn't need to be your problem.

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 09:59

Oh an btw, if someone locked me in a house, they be fucking lucky to get away with a nose bleed.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 10:00

She assaulted a cop. The procurator fiscal will probably charge her for that automatically.

If someone locks you in a house, call the police, don't assault the police.

stoatie · 31/12/2010 10:02

She needs help - she is training to be a midwife - which is stressful - she needs to be able to deal with stressful situations without resorting to violence - I'd have been stressed if locked in house and realised that my fiance was a wussy mummys boy, but as soon as I could get out I would have legged it and never contacted again as opposed to her reaction - when uni get wind of what has happened - and they will, even cautions show up on enhanced CRBs for midwifery - she will have to prove she is appropriate for midwifery - and the odds are stacked against her.

That said - not sure I would want my children in that household - appreciate you have childcare problems (know that feeling) but wouldn't be happy

TheSecondComing · 31/12/2010 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 10:10

She needs legal help because she can pretty much give up being a midwife now because she assaulted a cop. Chances are, she'll be charged automatically for this offense.

I wouldn't want someone so immature they flip out like this handling my care in a crisis.

Morloth · 31/12/2010 10:15

Agree with expat she probably has screwed up her career as a midwife, but if this is how she reacts under pressure, she definitely isn't midwife material.

Ormirian · 31/12/2010 10:16

Regardless of the situation she was the one doing the assaulting. Best off out of it. Both of them.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 31/12/2010 10:23

Blimey, what a mess. Both are better off away from this situation. Was your mother happy he'd got engaged?

atswimtwolengths · 31/12/2010 10:37

She just sounds like she was under a tremendous amount of stress and lashed out. I don't think she is a violent person per se - she was driven mad by your family situation.

I hope you manage to get in touch with her. If you know her full name and her university, you can easily get in touch. Usually the university emails are:

[email protected]

but you could phone the university and ask.

If she's already left, you could write a letter to the university and ask them to forward it to them. I do think you should write to her - I feel very, very sorry for her.

Ormirian · 31/12/2010 10:58

When you say your mum locked them in the house, do you mean deliberately locked them in, or simply locked up her house at night as most people would do ?

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 13:21

OP i hope you get in touch with the police to help explain why your brother's wife lost it.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 15:17

would same support be extended if man had hit woman? you better bet your arse it wouldnt,the mn jury woukd implode and shouts of abuser and leave him.and rightly so.just because she female doesnt decrease this fracas or her actions

whats all this feel sorry for her nonsense.suggestion to email, call police to support.

an assault,altercation and OD doesnt make anyone good marriage material

she reacted inappropriately and violently to stress.not good

in her chosen career,there will be lots of stress. lack of resources,staff shortages, bank and agency staff she doesnt know,anxious labouring mums and fast moving clinical situations that need calm,cool head. chances are yes she has blown her chosen career.enhanced crb will show any caution, or charges etc

the brother could be drippy mcdrip but that doesnt warrant a belting from his fiancée

saffy85 · 31/12/2010 15:27

Feel bit sorry for the fiancee but no matter how upset she was she should never have lashed out like that. No man is worth losing your dignity over. Or a career you've worked bloody hard for.

I feel her pain. I could have happily smack FIL in the mouth, the bloody control freak! Would never give him the satisfaction though.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 15:34

bemused at op lack of support to her own mum and brother.this is all peculiar.and methinky for her has touched a nerve too.maybe this fracas with the db fiancée is op venting her issues too.in no stretch of the imagination does the fiancée warrant this tippity toeing oh poor her..so heartbroken...her career all lost for him

oh behave

get some perspective op and dont use this fracas as excuse to berate db and mum with. they are at fault -yes.but no to the extent you are driving at

ImeldaSnowboots · 31/12/2010 15:43

If she took an overdose then it could be seen as a breakdown & therefore she would be unlikely to be charged for any resulting violence, if it was psych hospital she was taken to. Stress can do major things to peoples personality/behaviour. Don't think it would be any different if it was a man, esp if it is a psych breakdown, IMO

GetOrfMoiLand · 31/12/2010 15:51

Good grief.

What a bunch.

Mother is a loon for locking adults in the house.

Girlfriend is a violent hysteric.

Brother is a loser.

I agree with SM's pragmatic voice of sense - strange displaced sense of empathy for the violent girlfriend who chinned her mum from the OP.

Well, they are from Cornwall

slugz · 31/12/2010 17:17

I just wish she'd been able to see what was going on before she lost the plot, and kept her dignity.
Yes my kids are still there, which I'm not happy about, but I'm working crazy hours this week and I don't physically have the time for a 10 hour round trip to get them at present. I shall be collecting them tomorrow, I've spoken to them on the phone and they seem fine.
To whoever asked, db is 29 and f is 23.

OP posts:
Toughasoldboots · 31/12/2010 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffingGoldBrass · 31/12/2010 18:47

If the woman is mentally ill, she should be treated sympathetically by the authorities. Her careeer may stil be doomed but FFS who wants to be treated by a mentally ill midwife? (This isn't to say that someone who has had MH issues and received treatment shouldn't be able to work, but MH issues that mean you resort to violence when distressed mean you can't and shouldn't be working with vulnerable people).
OK the mother shouldn't have locked her in the house, but if you are locked in a house you are justified in breaking a window or forcing a door to escape, but not justified in assaulting someone (the OP says the mother locked the couple in but did not forcibly, physically prevent them from escaping).

midori1999 · 31/12/2010 18:59

Presumably the OP has only heard her Mothers/Brothers side of the story and yet is ^still feeling sympathetic as to how this girl has behaved. I think that speaks volumes about what the Mother/Brother are like tbh.

It does sound like the girlfriend has mental health issues or has had some sort of breakdown. Lets face it, normal people or people in a decent state of mind do not behave in this way. I imagine being in a situation where you are so out of control (locked in a house etc) would be enough to push an already unwell person right over the edge.

I hope she gets the help she needs. Sounds like your Mum and Brother deserve each other, tbh. What sort of person allows their Mother to lock them and another person in the house?

agedknees · 31/12/2010 19:01

What did she overdose on? I am asking because that might have affected her behaviour ie the violence.

Not everything is black and white.

Feel sorry for everyone in this story.

Panzee · 31/12/2010 19:03

They all sound as bad as each other. What a nightmare.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 19:13

her mental state would have been assessed in custody police use on call psych.that assessment determines where she is held and under which provision

lololizzy · 31/12/2010 20:06

Feel very sorry for the girl and i know we all act differently..but..others go through far bigger traumas and don't get violent. Hope they all rebuild their lives though..

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