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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really angry at my brother (and mum)

99 replies

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:02

Db has been engaged for about 2 months. I've only met her a couple of times but she seems really lovely.

Db is a complete mummy's boy and I foresaw that this would be the clashpoint. He is 29 and lives at home with absolutely everything done for him. He has been funded through uni twice by dm but has now set up a franchise business from home (which didn't need a degree, let alone a masters) which netted him 2k last year. He works very minimal hours doing this. He pays £25 per week rent and dm has bought him a brand new car which he pays a very small amount towards.

Db's fiancee agreed to move to Cornwall (where he is) after uni, where she is almost qualified as a midwife. There are very few midwife jobs in Cornwall so I thought she was crazy to say this but figured she's in love and will do whatever for him.

Having spent Christmas in Cornwall with them though the fiancee has realised that db doesn't function well under dm's roof and turns into a baby. This has made her very unhappy. She has asked him to reconsider moving somewhere else and if he loved her he would want to make her happy. He says that he agreed to marry her on the agreement that they would stay in Cornwall, and he wouldn't be prepared to give up the 2 years work he's put into his business.

Cue lots of arguments 2 nights ago with df trying to work out their relationship, dm locked them in the house so they climbed out of the window to go for a walk and try to sort things out. I'm obviously unaware of the contents of their conversations, but it looks to me like the problem is that df feels like db loves dm more than her.

Last night things were a little calmer although not amazing. They are sleeping in separate rooms due to religious leanings, and as they were going to bed dm told db to turn off his phone because he needed a good night sleep and didn't want any more nonsense with her texting etc as she had done before. AND HE DID.

Db knows that dm having control is the main issue and he did this at her request. I totally understand her not wanting any more trouble in her house but if he'd just put his foot down and said he was in control, would do anything for his wife-to-be I'm pretty sure everything would be fine.

As it is he slept like a baby and in the morning she announces that the wedding's off and she's taken an overdose. She starts attacking dm and db, gives dm a nosebleed. An ambulance is called, who call for the police, who then call for backup because she escapes and also attacks a policeman. She's eventually taken to hospital.

Obviously this end bit of behaviour is pretty unacceptable but she's a heartbroken hysterical young girl. I feel so sad for her. She's been snubbed for her mil and a rubbish job. I think in her circumstances I'd have lost the plot too. Of course db and dm are just saying how unhinged she is, and how he's better off out of there.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
skyswept · 31/12/2010 23:08

I think it sounds like the girl had a lucky escape.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 23:35

thats apologist rubbish.what about the 3 she assaulted

droves · 31/12/2010 23:52

Sounds like db needs a backbone ,

Dm needs to let him grow up , and the gf needs to therapy for her mh issues.

Mil`s piss us all off, now and again (yes , even the nice ones)...

But its just not a normal reaction to start attacking people if your upset /angry/hurt/second best to mummydearest.

Confused
norfolkBRONZEturkey · 01/01/2011 00:02

We only have one version of events and second hand.
DM had already locked them in once, for all we know they could have prevented her leaving and she hit out. Or he wanted to be near mum because he new she wouldnt be her usual violent self there.
See two different views from one story....

classydiva · 01/01/2011 00:33

*would you really want him married to such a violent woman???
*
One episode of a breakdown does not mean the woman is violent.

Anybody is capable under specific circumstances.

What a horrible thing to say.

slugz · 01/01/2011 10:01

They were locked in twice. Once when they climbed out of the window, and once when they discovered that she had apparently taken an overdose. I think the second time is justified because they were worried for her safety if she escaped before the ambulance got there. However, because it had already happened once I think that's what tipped her over the edge.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/01/2011 10:32

How much independent verification do you have, especially of the assault on the police? Do you know she did all this or is it just the other parties' take on the night's events? DM and DB seem to have been behaving totally weirdly and I wouldn't be at all inclined to believe their interpretation. On the other hand if she genuinely did assault her fiancé, his mother and a random law enforcement officer, that sounds pretty extreme and not at all appropriate for someone in her planned line of work. Who knows what the full true story is?

diddl · 01/01/2011 10:34

What a shame no one called the police on your mother for locking them in.

Can´t get my head around that at all.

They all sound as if they need counselling.

fruitful · 01/01/2011 10:58

So... when she punched your mum - was this after being imprisoned in the house the second time, and she was hitting out while trying to escape?

And then the policeman tries to restrain her because he thinks she should go to hospital, and she is still in "escape mode" and hitting out while this is happening?

Because that puts a bit of a different light on her 'violent behaviour', doesn't it?

DayShiftDoris · 01/01/2011 11:39

it's up to her uni as to whether or not she will qualify. If she has recieved a police caution then it may not be possible.

But we don't know what happened, it sounds terrifying for her... miles away from home and locked in a house with people she doesn't trust and then her fiance ignores her for good measure.

When the police interview her I wonder if they might not consider a caution towards the person who locked her in.

It's one thing to go out, get pissed and smack a copper one but another to have been terrified, alienated, locked up and what to get away from the people who are hurting you.

She hasn't necessarily got a mental health problem either - Overdoses are a very effective way of making people do what you want, including unlocking the door so you can leave.

Personally I would be pressing charges if I was her.

Oh OP... crazy hours or not I would remove my children from that house ASAP... she locks people in against their will with no thought to their safety - have you considered what might happen if their was a fire.

monkeyflippers · 01/01/2011 12:25

They all sound crazy.

The mum is a control freak who needs to let go of her son . . . she is damaging him!

The brother is a sap and a mummies boy and he's still going to be living with her when he's 55 at this rate.

The fiance I felt very sorry for but considering how she has behaved it makes me wonder if she actually might be more like the mum then your brother thinks. The say that men often go for women like their mums.

slugz · 01/01/2011 13:19

Dayshiftdoris The second locking was AFTER she'd taken the overdose, to try to contain her till the ambulance got there.

Fruitful, that is exactly how I read the situation.

Monkeyflippers, you're absolutely spot on, although I'm very uncomfortable saying this. She even looks like my mum, both quite small with red hair. I'd already made some digs at db about this (only banter obviously) but yes it does concern me that this is why she was chosen.

Oh, and I'm collecting the kids now. I obviously let them stay there when she locks the door at night and the littluns couldn't get out unaided anyway, so I'm not massively concerned about their safety in that way. I'm more concerned with the behaviour they've witnessed.

OP posts:
DayShiftDoris · 01/01/2011 13:51

Is that some sort of justification - the 'SECOND locking'

For goodness sake

mutznutz · 01/01/2011 13:54

I'm sorry but family or not, there is no way I would want my children having that sort of influence in their life...not from Grandma or from anyone.

TheRunawayWife · 01/01/2011 14:09

I have to say I think this woman is better off away from these vile toxic morons and I hope she gave your mother a really good wallop cause she deserves one

Blu · 01/01/2011 14:23

YANBU to be really angry at your dm and db - your bother's behaviour towards his df was despicable and pathetic, and your dm is a controlling loon.

The df tried to create a positive outcome by asking him to move elsewhere, and was rejected and imprisoned for her trouble. What a shame she didn't just leave with dignity when it became clear what a ghastly set-up she was embroiled with. Violence while hysterical isn't excusable, but hysteria as a result of what she had experienced in the home of a man wh had said she loved him is more excusable, IMO, than the pathetic and emotionally violent behaviour (putting his no-hope career and his mother before her, making their marriage conditional on his needs only, etc) of a selfish partner. he was not provoked, he was offered with a reasonable and rational proposal. She met with refusal, rejection, ultimatum, imprisonment and humiliation.

I hope that her career is not ruined, and that with experience, help and maturity she will be able to out this behind her.

monkeyflippers · 01/01/2011 14:24

So he's looking for a mum replacement in his wife . . . creepy really!

Unwind · 01/01/2011 14:31

Your Mum and your brother seem to have chosen to spend the rest of their lives together - you might think they would both be better off living independent lives, but it is their decision.

They treated his fiance horribly, you can and should go to the police to explain the circumstances, but there is nothing more that you can do. She is with her own family now, and has had a lucky escape.

I would not leave my children in a situation like that, certainly not in the care of a woman who saw fit to imprison another against her will.

cheekyseamonkey · 01/01/2011 14:38

Good for you not living there - blimey, makes my lot sound reasonable!

alicet · 01/01/2011 14:50

Only read first page...

Agree with comments about her needing to control her temper and violence not being the answer. If this was out of context to how she usually is I'd give her a bit of slack depending on what she od'd on as some drugs can make you behave in an aggressive manner (eg some types of antidepressants).

If this is not the case it sounds as though both her and your db have had equally lucky escapes

SantasENormaSnob · 01/01/2011 17:07

They are all v unreasonable.

slugz · 01/01/2011 20:05

I was only clarifying Doris because you said she may have taken an overdose to escape.

Dcs are now back home. It really was physically impossible to collect them earlier. I have a selfemployed position and was told my longterm work would be withdrawn if I didn't complete the tasks this week. Obviously if I thought dcs were in danger I would have got them regardless.

I'm a delivery driver so to collect them overnight would have meant driving for 12 hours in the daytime, doing a 10 hour round trip overnight and then driving for 12 hours the next day. I think that would have been more dangerous.

Dh is away with a disabled man caring for him for work. He would have to abandon him to go and get them.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/01/2011 09:20

What was the first locking in for though?

And why didn´t either/both of them leave the next day?

Ormirian · 02/01/2011 21:24

Ahem... OP didn't answer my question. Was the 'locking in' just the normal action of anyone who locks their house at night? I lock my doors at night. And I guess if a guest couldn't find the key to get out they might have miscontrued it as being 'locked in'.

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