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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really angry at my brother (and mum)

99 replies

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:02

Db has been engaged for about 2 months. I've only met her a couple of times but she seems really lovely.

Db is a complete mummy's boy and I foresaw that this would be the clashpoint. He is 29 and lives at home with absolutely everything done for him. He has been funded through uni twice by dm but has now set up a franchise business from home (which didn't need a degree, let alone a masters) which netted him 2k last year. He works very minimal hours doing this. He pays £25 per week rent and dm has bought him a brand new car which he pays a very small amount towards.

Db's fiancee agreed to move to Cornwall (where he is) after uni, where she is almost qualified as a midwife. There are very few midwife jobs in Cornwall so I thought she was crazy to say this but figured she's in love and will do whatever for him.

Having spent Christmas in Cornwall with them though the fiancee has realised that db doesn't function well under dm's roof and turns into a baby. This has made her very unhappy. She has asked him to reconsider moving somewhere else and if he loved her he would want to make her happy. He says that he agreed to marry her on the agreement that they would stay in Cornwall, and he wouldn't be prepared to give up the 2 years work he's put into his business.

Cue lots of arguments 2 nights ago with df trying to work out their relationship, dm locked them in the house so they climbed out of the window to go for a walk and try to sort things out. I'm obviously unaware of the contents of their conversations, but it looks to me like the problem is that df feels like db loves dm more than her.

Last night things were a little calmer although not amazing. They are sleeping in separate rooms due to religious leanings, and as they were going to bed dm told db to turn off his phone because he needed a good night sleep and didn't want any more nonsense with her texting etc as she had done before. AND HE DID.

Db knows that dm having control is the main issue and he did this at her request. I totally understand her not wanting any more trouble in her house but if he'd just put his foot down and said he was in control, would do anything for his wife-to-be I'm pretty sure everything would be fine.

As it is he slept like a baby and in the morning she announces that the wedding's off and she's taken an overdose. She starts attacking dm and db, gives dm a nosebleed. An ambulance is called, who call for the police, who then call for backup because she escapes and also attacks a policeman. She's eventually taken to hospital.

Obviously this end bit of behaviour is pretty unacceptable but she's a heartbroken hysterical young girl. I feel so sad for her. She's been snubbed for her mil and a rubbish job. I think in her circumstances I'd have lost the plot too. Of course db and dm are just saying how unhinged she is, and how he's better off out of there.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 23:32

If I were you I would go to the station and see what you can find out. Tell them that you are concerned this will affect her career/life and it really wasn't her fault, tell them your Mum locked her in the house.

Your family owes this kid as much help as you can give her.

Ask if they can pass your number onto her as they wont give you hers.

Good on you for wanting to help her.

Your Mum & DB need a good talking to.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:35

I had already returned home for work before it really kicked off, my dcs are still there (due to childcare issues over the christmas period, quite unusual)so I've been in constant contact.

As far as I know she's already been released and her Mum has taken her back to Birmingham.

OP posts:
huddspur · 30/12/2010 23:36

To be honest I think she has only got herself to blame, if you attack someone then you should be prepared to face the consequences

Toughasoldboots · 30/12/2010 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:37

Accepted, just wish she'd got out sooner.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 30/12/2010 23:38

However odd your mum and brother's behaviour was, it doesn't justify this woman assaulting the pair of them. She sounds like an immature headcase.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:38

Sorry that was to Huddspur

OP posts:
slugz · 30/12/2010 23:40

Yes I spoke to db this evening. He was infuriatingly calm, just said she should have kept to her side of the bargain when he asked her to marry him. He couldn't be expected to give up things for her.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 30/12/2010 23:42

I agree with ChippingIn, you should really make sure that the police are aware of the circumstances surrounding this. If they do press charges, they need to know about your mother locking her in the house.
With any luck, they won't press charges.

I have been in a relationship whereby he physically stopped me from leaving the house, and for the short time before I escaped, I could have found myself doing anything to get out of the situation, I was so desperate. Although I don't think she should have been violent, I am sure she was undergoing a bit of a breakdown.

slugz · 30/12/2010 23:43

I'm in Sussex now, can I find out these details from here?

OP posts:
byrel · 30/12/2010 23:43

To be honest your brother sounds well rid of her, although he sounds a bit strange there is no justification for attacking someone

expatinscotland · 30/12/2010 23:46

They both sound equally warped. It's just a shame she was too immature to realise he's a mummy's boy.

simara · 30/12/2010 23:50

To be honest I have no sympathy for her, it was her who became violent and so she should deal with the consequences of her actions.

scottishmummy · 30/12/2010 23:53

his fiancée sounds flaky,he'd better run fast.v fast.from her.whats your angle that you thinker assaulting him and a drama queen OD is acceptable?

fuck - if shes that emotionally incontinent at least he got a warning.what if they'd married had kids..

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 00:00

slugz you are too embroiled in your brothers life.step out of it.whatever or why ever he behaves around his mother isnt your business.attend to your own family.do you do have an issue here?

JockTamsonsBairns · 31/12/2010 00:02

I'm going to go against the grain here too and say I think your brother's had a bit of a lucky escape.

Obviously I don't know him or the full circumstances, but it sounds to me like staying in Cornwall is the right way forward for him bearing in mind that his business is still in infancy. He may well have faltered career-wise throughout his twenties, but plenty of people do - it may just be that he's found something for himself which will ultimately lead to him becoming independent of your dm. For his df to say "if you loved me you'd move" sounds a little controlling tbh. Again, I don't know the set up, but given that your mum has only been widowed for a year, perhaps he feels that he'd like to be around to support her - particularly in respect of the support she's given him over the years?

That said, his df sounds like she certainly needs support, and it's probably for the best that she's back home with her own mother for a while. Yes, it was awful that your dm locked them in, but violence and an attempted suicide seems a shocking way to respond.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2010 00:10

change the genders,man hits woman,see how sympathetic mn would be to that

certainly dont imagine man assaults woman met with

  • poor man
  • wondering whether you could fb him to support
  • hope poor man gets life back on track
  • Poor man. he's better off out of the relationship

fuckin bonkers

StuffingGoldBrass · 31/12/2010 09:35

Yes, why are you so sympathetic to this aggressive woman, taking her side against your mother and brother - who may be odd but do not appear to be violent.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 09:39

Gender wouldn't make a lick of difference to me, SM, and hasn't on this thread. Think they're both a wreck and that she's fucked up her career, especially for assaulting a policeman.

I'd have called 999 the second some crazy freak locked me in a house.

StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2010 09:45

Your children are still there???
Feel sorry for everyone but she was wrong for getting violent and your mum was wrong for imprisoning her and generally interfering to the extent she did.

Lamorna · 31/12/2010 09:50

They are much better off without each other, so it was as well to find it out now.
I would keep out of it as much as possible.

onmyfeet · 31/12/2010 09:53

He doesn't love her, she is not stable. He needs to find someone who will cater to him,Hmm she needs someone to act in a devoted manner towards her.

expatinscotland · 31/12/2010 09:54

Actually, she needs a lawyer.

Lamorna · 31/12/2010 09:55

They both need to learn from the experience.(so does the mother, but I don't expect that she will).

theevildead2 · 31/12/2010 09:57

I think it is unfair for some posters to be remarking on the woman being violent.

If she was pushed to an overdose, you can safely say this was the most upset she's ever been in her life and wasn't thiking clearly and deserves some slack. assuming this is was a one off

Your brother sounds like he could do with growing a pair unless he wants to remain a virgin his whole life. MOther's can only provide so much.....