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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL buying me an awful xmas present!

98 replies

OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:12

Hello all, I am very new at this but would really appreciate your thoughts...

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years or so and am reasonably close to his family although we have opposing opinions on things such as politics etc. For the past two years his mother has asked what I would like for christmas and I have said on both occasions a donation to either Shelter or crisis at christmas for a couple of reasons 1. I like to support them at this time of year especially and 2. this will sound ungrateful but if I havn't chosen something myself I will invariably hate it and I can't hide disappointment.

She has ignored my request and both times got me something that I not only hate but is not 'me' at all, as in no thought was put into it.

A £5 donation would have made my christmas, is that too much to ask...Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
YunoYurbubson · 30/12/2010 05:13

Send the tat to the charity shop and donate a fiver to shelter yourself?

Lizzylou · 30/12/2010 05:15

Yep regift or give to charity shop and accept that your MIL just wants to give you a gift.
May not be to your taste, but a nice gesture. Perhaps you could "train" your DP to influence further gifts?

Original poster
OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:18

Thank you for the reply! Yes I will do that or give it to a charity shop. My issue is more wether I can mention it to her, for example if she asks if I like my present is it appropriate to say 'No it's bloody awful', or words to that effect. I just want her to understand that it means alot to me but I also think xmas happens once a year, let her get on with it..

OP posts:
Original poster
OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:20

Thank you Lizzylou, I have mentioned myself to her and asked him to also. I think the issue for her is she hates the idea of giving money to a homeless charity

OP posts:
Gargula · 30/12/2010 05:49

Of course you don't mention it to her. Why would you want to hurt her or make her uncomfortable?

Just say you love it and then do your own sweet thing.

K12Mom · 30/12/2010 05:56

Given her politics, do you think a part of you asks her for the donation to the homeless charity just to piss her off?

(This is the kind of thing I would do, LOL!)

GotArt · 30/12/2010 05:58

My MIL once made me a track suit for Xmas in peach. It was massive! She must have thought, us having being out west for a few years and not seeing them, that I was somehow 300 pounds! DH just about pissed himself laughing when I opened. SIL was there to give it to me and died of laughter too. It went to the charity shop.

sims2fan · 30/12/2010 07:08

Well, it would be nice of her to listen to your requests and give money to charities, but she dosn't have to. You need to learn to hide your disappointment. After all, you are an adult, and I would expect a child of 4 to smile and say thank you even if they were not keen on a gift.

mousesma · 30/12/2010 07:30

Obviously I don't know your MIL so could be wrong but I think it's more likely that she wants to give you a gift rather than give a charity a gift. It's probably not the fact that it's a homeless charity that bothers her, she just wants to give you something tangiable.

I understand why this is annoying because she is both wasting her money getting you something you don't want and not listening to your wishes. However I don't think this is motivated by maliciousness.

It is definitely not OK to say that you hate her gift though. To do so is just plain ungrateful and rude.

MsKLo · 30/12/2010 07:37

As she asked you she should have listened

What was the gift? Tell us?!

Lizzylou · 30/12/2010 07:47

mousesma has said exactly what my sleep deprived brain wanted to.

I do think a lot of people lke to buy actual "things" for gifts, they don't like giving vouchers for anything, be it M&S or Shelter.

MumNWLondon · 30/12/2010 08:02

YAB a little U. I think its not really on to ask someone to give money to a charity unless you know its one they like to support themselves. Some people just don't giving money to charity as presents.

What did she give you? Some people are really dreadful at present giving, my MIL gave DH a mustard wool jumper one year, DH never wears wool jumpers & would never ever ever wear yellow or anything bright. Was he cross with his mum - no he just lamented how dreadful she was at buying presents.

gorionine · 30/12/2010 08:05

When has it ever been appropriate to answer "no it was bloody awfull!" to someone who asks you if you like something they offered you?

BubbaAndBump · 30/12/2010 08:13

PML at your oversized peach tracksuit GotArt Xmas Grin

FWIW my MIL buys me smelly stuff every bloody year although I am essentially allergic to all but simple products. I still have much of the stuff from three or four years ago sitting in the bathroom although I do tip some out every now and then so as not to look like it's totally unused.

I have also tried letting her know (although not directly) that I can't use anything smelly, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in Xmas Hmm

SantasENormaSnob · 30/12/2010 08:16

I totally see your point but really, you can't say anything. It would hurt her so much.

In future I would mention favourite chocs, wine, socks etc so that you get something that will be used but she can't go far wrong with.

Guacamohohohole · 30/12/2010 08:42

I'm with MumNWLondon, I find it inappropriate to ask for someone to donate to a charity of YOUR choice, I'm sorry if people have a problem with that but we don't all agree or support the same charities. Highly controversial I know but I have a problem with Amnesty International and wouldn't donate to that charity for personal reasons irrespective of who asked me too... However if I was your MIL I'd tell you that I am not willing to donate to said charities and ask if you would mind if I donate to a different charity instead.

BubbaAndBump · 30/12/2010 08:49

If she's very keen to get you something, then give her an idea of something cheapish for you that you can unwrap, and ask for a donation to a charity of her choosing too if she feels the fiver or so spent on you isn't enough.

APixieInMyMulledWine · 30/12/2010 08:50

YAB a bit U, she probably doesn't see giving to charity as a gift for you which is probably all she wants to do hence the not very nice tat. Next year give her a list of chocs or wine you like and she'll probably het it for you.

I have kinda the same problem bu with my mum not MIL. MIL has only known me a little while and I got a lovely gift off her for Christmas.

My mum on the other hand got me a snuggie even though she knows I didn't like them and every year she gets me a bath set of some description laden with chemicals and scents. I'm 24yrs old and my whole life I've never been able to use stuff like what she gets me.

In the run up to Christmas this year, I made a point of mentioning some really nice bath/shower stuff I had found which was all natural ingredients but it was a bit expensive. I still got a bath set that I can't bloody use!

I just smile and say "oh thanks, I'll run a nice bath with that later" and send it to the charity shop. It's never appropriate to say "actually, the gift is shite"

Chandon · 30/12/2010 08:58

I cannot believe you are thinking of telling her off!

You will just have to learn to smile and say "thank you".

If you feel strongly about the charity, give them money YOURSELF.

She wanted to give YOU something.

Blimey you are unfair.

Personally, I never want to give a donation to charity as a gift to someone. I already donate 5% of income a month to various charities, and like to give the person I like a token of my appreciation for them.

To me, a donation to charity does not equal a gift.

Bonsoir · 30/12/2010 09:02

I think you are being quite provocative and selfish asking your MIL to make a donation to charity in lieu of a present to you. If she wants to give you something material, which is actually standard practice at Christmas, why don't you suggest something material?

SouthMum · 30/12/2010 09:19

think you would be out of order to say anything. We dont always get what we want in life.....just suck it up and thank her and donate a fiver yourself.

Dansmommy · 30/12/2010 09:25

You're being precious and ungrateful. As another poster said, even small children are taught that you say thank you for a gift, whatever your feelings. If you want to donate to charity do it yourself.

Actuallawyer · 30/12/2010 09:44

Next year suggest something that you'd otherwise buy for yourself and donate the money you save.

ensure · 30/12/2010 09:47

Tell her a book you want, then she can't get it wrong.

BrandyAlexander · 30/12/2010 10:18

I think you're being rude asking for a donation to charity, and I say that as someone who gives a fair amount to charity herself. I think she is probably trying to be friendly and you are unintentionally rebuffing her. To make it worse, you now want to say something to her? Seriously? Are you overloaded with the bad judgment gene or something?

Also look at this from your DP's point of view.....my mother worships the ground that DH walks on, but she is rubbish at getting presents for him and I would even cringe to mention some of the things she has got for him in the past. I would however be mighty p*ssed off, if he dared to ever say anything to her other than than "thank you". And yes, his presents always end up in the charity bag.

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