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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL buying me an awful xmas present!

98 replies

OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:12

Hello all, I am very new at this but would really appreciate your thoughts...

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years or so and am reasonably close to his family although we have opposing opinions on things such as politics etc. For the past two years his mother has asked what I would like for christmas and I have said on both occasions a donation to either Shelter or crisis at christmas for a couple of reasons 1. I like to support them at this time of year especially and 2. this will sound ungrateful but if I havn't chosen something myself I will invariably hate it and I can't hide disappointment.

She has ignored my request and both times got me something that I not only hate but is not 'me' at all, as in no thought was put into it.

A £5 donation would have made my christmas, is that too much to ask...Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
tyzer2001 · 30/12/2010 10:21

Sell the unwanted gift on eBay and donate the profits.

Watersign76 · 30/12/2010 10:39

I think in reality is it probably just easier to accept or to give her a list of things you would be happy receiving.

I do have empathy with your view though. DH's family seem to think that choosing a gift is about them, rather than the recipent. They refused to give money for our wedding (as we suggested for other guests), demanding instead with come up with a list of "things" they could buy us.

My family are very pragmatic, so they'd rather get something that we want, so I found their approach rather strange/annoying!

I think it just depends on what your "norm" is; some people think the focus on a gift if about choosing the gift and the pleasure/joy that brings and others think it is more important to get what somebody wants.

usualsuspect · 30/12/2010 10:43

What was the gift?

swanandduck · 30/12/2010 10:45

YABU. We all get things we don't really want at Christmas and just say 'oh thanks very much' and put it way/give it to a charity shop/pass on to someone who would like it. You sound a bit precious about yourself, to be honest.

pranma · 30/12/2010 10:46

You cant really expect people to make donations -many people want to give an actual present which should always be gratefully received-you dont need to wear it/use it/or even keep it.

TheMonster · 30/12/2010 10:47

YABU.

zukiecat · 30/12/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charliesmommy · 30/12/2010 11:20

YABU

tell her how shite her present was though, and next year she wont bother..

problem solved! :o

NinkyNonker · 30/12/2010 11:27

What Sims said. Yabu and childish. Of course you can 'hide disappointment' if you choose not too that's your look out and very rude. Most people of my mother's generation prefer actual gifts,and I don't think you can specify a charity,they might disagree. And of course you shouldn't day anything,have you no manners common sense or sensitivity? Unless you're determined to have a bad relationship with her.

paranoid2 · 30/12/2010 11:47

I dont think there is anything wrong with asking for donations to charity. After all she asked you what you wanted and then ignored you on more than one occasion. People who are getting married sometimes request that people donate to specific charities in lieu of giving gifts. If she didnt want to donate to your specific charity then she should have said that she didnt support it and wanted to give you a gift. To ignore your request for 2 years is in my view a bit rude. Why did she have to ask the 2nd year when she knew that your response would be the same?

charliesmommy · 30/12/2010 12:02

If I asked my DIL what she wanted for xmas and she said a donation to charity, I would actually wonder if she didnt like me.

You could easily say "oh just get me something from Marks & Spencers, they do great stuff".. and then change it for something you do like afterwards if its really something horrible.

What was it that she actually got you?

bringmesomeFIGGYpudding · 30/12/2010 12:10

I, like many others, think that maybe at christmas the older generation like to give a tangible gift to you rather than a donation. Maybe she thought she would have to donate more than she would have spent on a gift to you? I don't know.

However just because you didn't get what you requested doesn't mean that you should be rude TO her about the gift you recieved. I didn't get what I wanted from DH but won't be rude to him about it! Sometimes I want doesn't get. YABU

SarahStrattonsBaubles · 30/12/2010 12:24

Like pretty much everyone else I think YABU. I also totally fail to see why you would mention that you are reasonably close to them despite opposing political views. WTF have your PILs views on politics got to do with anything? They are entitled to their views as much as you are entitled to yours.

Next year suggest something you would get anyway and donate the money saved yourself. Or ask for a book on manners.

taintedsnow · 30/12/2010 12:46

I think YABU to show any distaste for the gift, unless it was clearly offensive. While in your head, the donation to charity you didn't get would justify the confrontation, in MIL's mind, and to anyone observing tbh, it just looks like someone being precious about gifts and playing the martyr by asking for nothing but charity donations. Whether or not there is malice in the way you view your MIL, and I don't think there is, that's exactly how it would look to her if you were to be rude over this.

Give the gift to charity or make a donation yourself to the value of the gift. I think that's the best way to handle this.

Also very curious about what this horrific thing was that you were given!

Original poster
OhKit · 30/12/2010 17:20

Ha! Thank you all for your replies! Of course I would never say it was awful because that is extremely rude and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I know she wants to get me something to open, my issue is that it is completely wasted on me and it is something that seems to have been picked up for the sake of it. Last year it was a pink satin jewellery pouch which im sure someone else would appreciate but I never ever wear any jewellery, I don't own anything pink (im not a girly girl at all) and I see her all the time and she knows me very well. Next year when she asks I will just say a book or something. Maybe part of me does want to be a bit controversial, they are very conservative and sometimes its fun to rock the boat...but like I said the last thing I want to do is upset her.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 30/12/2010 17:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 30/12/2010 17:36

You could ask her in future for gift vouchers, then sell them on eBay and donate the proceeds to charity.

LIke someone else said she wants to buy you something not donate on your behalf to a charity she does not herself believe in.

Gay40 · 30/12/2010 17:45

All this pussyfooting around shite gifts doesn't help anyone, I don't think. I'll swim against the tide and say that in recent years I have taken to saying "I'm sorry, I can't really make use of this" and giving it back to the person in situations where they have asked what I wanted, I told them and they got me some other cack.
Likewise, when I asked for some black socks and they got me a pink makeup bag (I have no make up), then was asked if I liked it, I simply said "No sorry, I've given it to whoever."
I don't agree with smiling and putting up. It makes more work and it doesn't help anyone.

MrsGuyOfChristmasBorn · 30/12/2010 17:53

YANBU - for years we struggled with this - my dad would buy me ghastly things like a radio in the shape of a french resistance radio when I was 35 Xmas Shockthat I might have found amusing when I was 14. We asked them not to give us anything - I hate unnecessary gifts so eventually we asked them to give us a subscription to a magazine - as this was something we could enjoy every month.

FakePlasticTrees · 30/12/2010 18:05

next year, make a wish list, give it to DH to pass to his family. You must be able to think of some CDs, DVDs, books etc that you would have otherwise bought for yourself, therefore would be able to justify giving that amount to shelter.

I asked for vouchers this year from my parents. My mum also had to get me a 'thing' to open as she can't stand the idea of not giving a 'gift' (and in her mind, vouchers or cash in a card isn't a gift). Of course, she got me chocolates, which is always going to be useful.

SkyBluePearl · 30/12/2010 18:10

sounds like normal MIL behaviour. My MIL has always bought me endless christmas tat but more recently i've asked her to do practical things instead like make cushions/curtains for me (i've bought and given her the material)

Original poster
OhKit · 30/12/2010 18:11

Gay40 I think you're my idol but I would never have the nerve to do that. Having read through the posts I think it was rude of me to ask for a donation as I knew she wanted to get me something to open. But surely when you buy a gift for someone you think about things that you know they would love and make use of?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhKit · 30/12/2010 18:13

FakePlasticTrees maybe its a generational thing to want to give a tangible gift.

OP posts:
amigababy · 30/12/2010 18:13

OP - I'm dead fussy and have grinned and bore it for some presents - that's life. But assuming you have kids Smile does school and/or playgroup have a raffle to raise PTA money etc? - could you donate gifts to that to raise money for them? And then make your own donations to the charity you support.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 18:24

Gay40, "I don't agree with smiling and putting up. It makes more work and it doesn't help anyone"

Makes more work?! Bloody hell, why don't you just save yourself the hassle completely and say you're not really into presents and then you won't get any next time to complain about.

So glad you feel confident enough to hurt people's feelings so openly and purposefully. You sound delightful, with beautiful manners. Hmm

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