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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL buying me an awful xmas present!

98 replies

OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:12

Hello all, I am very new at this but would really appreciate your thoughts...

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years or so and am reasonably close to his family although we have opposing opinions on things such as politics etc. For the past two years his mother has asked what I would like for christmas and I have said on both occasions a donation to either Shelter or crisis at christmas for a couple of reasons 1. I like to support them at this time of year especially and 2. this will sound ungrateful but if I havn't chosen something myself I will invariably hate it and I can't hide disappointment.

She has ignored my request and both times got me something that I not only hate but is not 'me' at all, as in no thought was put into it.

A £5 donation would have made my christmas, is that too much to ask...Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

westlake · 30/12/2010 22:13

can't you just ask for some of the smellies you use regularly or some cheese or something. Just ask her for something you would normally buy for yourself and then donate the money.... problem solved....

tyler80 · 30/12/2010 22:15

I actually feel v. lucky to live in a family where if someone can't think of something to get you you don't get anything or an iou. And I'd quite happily pass back a gift if I wasn't going to use it and have done so in the past. It doesn't need to be thrown back in their face, but I find it's easy enough to say to my mum "oh it's lovely, but I think you'd get more use out of it than me"

I know it's often said that it's the thought that counts, but I'm not so sure it's strictly true in this day and age. I'd prefer to receive nothing than have someone waste their money on things that I have no need for or can't use.

Lonnie · 30/12/2010 22:46

Not everyone is comfortable giving such christmas gifts she wishes to give you a present tell her of a soap/hand cream you use and ask for that then donate the money you would spend on your next one to the charity of your choice.

I work for a charity I donate to charities OF MY CHOICE. I wouldnt personally donate to a charity I didnt feel I wished to raise money for even if I was asked to do so by someone else.

mathanxiety · 30/12/2010 22:47

*Spanx is/are heavy duty 'shapewear'

GotArt · 30/12/2010 23:02

Spanx are a gift... not one I'd get for someone, that's like getting someone an exercise video, which just says, 'Hey fatty!' But I love my Spanx. You know, they make them for pregers too.

For me, if someone says, 'Please get my gift as a gift to a my favorite Charity' they are saying, I have enough, and would like to pass on my gift.

Funny about the goat; there is a commercial here where you see goats cruising around the Xmas tree in someone's living room and they are video taping themselves, saying how misunderstood the request of giving a goat was. I think it was for Unicef. Rather funny, although, I'd like a goat too. Free grass cutting, milk and play thing for DD in the yard that stays outside.

Gay40 · 30/12/2010 23:17

I'd rather be told my gift wasn't much wanted, as it would make me pay more attention. However, I put quite a lot of thought into the gifts I do buy and I see them being used, played with and appreciated or whatever so that tells me it's more on the right side than the wrong side. It takes time and thought to get the right gift, but asking what someone wants and getting that = really easy!
Illness etc aside, I find lots of people have the forecourt flowers approach to presents. I read about it all the time on here. "DH bought me a card from the petrol station, boo hoo." Try saying "I do not want a card from the garage, you thoughtless c**t" and see what happens. Or smile and thank him, then moan on here so that the other polite harpies can join in.

cherryteat · 30/12/2010 23:28

yanbu. i received a voluminous full length second hand floral 'housecoat' this year from my MIL and a miniature peach coloured china shoe with t-bar and kitten heel. Her sister gave me an old bag of used Primark makeup and used makeup brushes. I thought she'd given me her own makeup bag by mistake. I smiled and said thankyou. I have set myself up for a lifetime of shite gifts.

Original poster

OhKit · 30/12/2010 23:28

You say it is the thought that counts but that is the point...sometimes no thought is given, just a box ticked. I have already said I would never say 'I don't like your gift' and I won't ask for a donation again as I have realised it is a very personal thing. My thoughts now are just-put thought into a gift(value is of zero importance), or don't bother.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/12/2010 01:55

But why not give her a hint, OhKit, when she asks you what you would like? That way she's at least pointed in the right direction. How can you blame her for getting the wrong thing when there's surely something she could get you and not mess up/ fall short of your standards.

Why do you require that someone who wants to give you a gift (and who has gone to the bother of asking you straight up what you would like) jump through the mind game/ mind-reading hoops you have set up for her?

Why does she have to put thought into a gift for you? All she wants is to get you something you might like, and clearly you are making it very difficult for her to get to know what you might like. It's like playing the game of 'guess what hand the coin is in' with a child. And it's just as pointless.

This is all very precious and self-centered. I think you should stop playing these games that she is obviously unwilling to engage in.

MissHellToe · 31/12/2010 02:21

Those uncontrollable laughs which are so infectious in toddlers? I just had that after reading GotArt's post about the oversized peach tracksuit. DH is making this face

I think I'm hormonal. And Gay40 I think your tactics are ace.

ChippingIn · 31/12/2010 03:17

As you say, from now on it's probably better to suggest a book (specific book I suggest!) or even something you do like to eat/drink - box of biscuits or wine etc or even your everyday shower products - something so she feels she's giving you a gift (she wins), things you can use (you win).

JackSawMamaKissingSantaClaus · 31/12/2010 03:43

Gay40, are you related to my stepdad? Rude fucker actually handed back a present several years back saying "I don't like this, you can get me a book instead" (I had a thread about this two Christmases ago.) The rest of the family just went , it was awful.

Seriously, WTF is wrong with some people?

OhKit, honestly - your MIL might just be one of those people who's not blessed with "present sense". I think you know you really can't say anything. Just smile and say thank you and then vent to us instead :o

GotArt · 31/12/2010 04:53

MissHellTow Glad I could give you laugh. DH still cracks up about it when it comes up. Its one of those Xmas family stories now.

GotArt · 31/12/2010 04:55

DH and I put it on together even... after a few Bailey's mind you.

Gay40 · 31/12/2010 10:26

The thing is, having honed these tactics to a fine art I rarely get a crap gift these days.
Rude fucker? Probably.
House full of unwanted crap and head full of the same? Nope.

TakeYourFunWhereYouFindIt · 31/12/2010 10:35

I think you have to just suck it up, OP. I received many, many bizarre presents from my MIL, and I wouldn't have dreamt of handing any of them back. They just went into the box I use for charity stuff or school fairs, and that was that. It became something of a joke - my SILs and I would compare and decide who'd had the worst present that year.

Gay40 - I'd rather get a crap gift and make the giver smile by saying thank you, than come over like a spoilt brat by handing it back. I spend a lot of time thinking about present for others, but I'm not daft enough to think I always get it right and I'd be most unhappy if anyone ever turned around and told me they didn't want it.

Ria28 · 31/12/2010 11:16

I'd be happy to give/receive donations as gifts with anyone who wasn't very close family/friends, so I don't think you're being unreasonable in that respect, but I'd still say thank you for anything not repulsive. Next year I'd give her the option of a donation or a couple of very specific gifts, and if she still ignores you then just give it straight to charity.

ShirtyGerty · 31/12/2010 14:18

I think you are going to have to sell the gifts on eBay and donate the proceeds.

My MIL gives very odd gifts to me (this year it was rubber gloves, a pair of american tan stockings and a laser guided spirit level). I just smile sweetly and then forget about it.

Your MIL may be being rude or thoughtless or trying her best. I wouldn't let it bother you but just say something grateful. You never know when you'll need her support in the future.

TheFallenMadonna · 31/12/2010 14:26

Over the last couple of years I have received a microwave omelette maker and a packet of paper napkins from my MIL

And I have to write a fulsome thank you letter (even if she is there to be thanked in person) because That Is How It Is Done.

I strongly suspect now that she is doing it for devilment - and I actually like her a bit more for that!

GotArt · 31/12/2010 17:00

Shirty What is it that makes you MIL give you rubber gloves for Xmas... lol. That's kinda funny.

Madonna Paper napkins! OMG!

All these gifts are making my gigantic, homemade peach track suit seem pretty sweet.

ShirtyGerty · 31/12/2010 18:18

GotArt, the MIL actually said that the rubber gloves and stockings went together as a 'sexy outfit'.

I think MIL may have actually been trying to embarress DH. I suspect she's an evil genius. Anyway, my grateful face is so well practiced that I was able to say 'thank you very much' with a straight face.

The laser guided spirit level she just thought would come in handy.

GotArt · 01/01/2011 01:48

Haahahahha sexy outfit.

sarahann1211112 · 07/01/2011 12:04

I can understand the upset caused by thoughtless gifts, every year I go to great trouble to buy the people I love nice things that they want.
Normally I ask what they would like then buy those items with some little added extras for a surprise that way they get what they want if they don't like the extras its not to much of a problem.
My MIL is great she gets me exactly what I ask for each year which may seem boring to some but is great as far as i'm concerned.
My mother on the other hand is completely the opposite! This year my husband was given the limited edition of halo reach and I got coasters, slippers from a pound shop a book about baking ( I am a vegan it was a non vegan book) and a note pad in the shape of a handbag with ribbon attached so you can carry it around like a bag!
Now I love my mum and the odd eccentric gift can be funny but I had sent her a long list of items I really needed ( I am pregnant and short of cash) and to be honest it really hurt that she ignored it.
This has been going on for years so this year I decided to bite the bullet, I asked her for the receipts and to make things worse she then had to tell my that all the items were on sale and cost £1 to £4, I don't mind this but she was embarrassed, I don't understand why she would buy me such cheap things if she was embarrassed to of done so.
The reason I decided to be honest was that this has been going on for ages and it would be my fault if I didn't mention it and it continued.
I'm afraid I couldn't button my lip any more I I end up on the verge of tears every xmas.
I wish I was strong enough to smile sweetly and let it go but considering the time I put into her presents it feels like a kick in the teeth.
I say if it happens once or twice forget it, If it goes on and on and it upsets you say something or it will continue, obviously you have to be careful what you say perhaps say your house is full of stuff and you only want on thing.

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