Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

MIL buying me an awful xmas present!

98 replies

OhKit · 30/12/2010 05:12

Hello all, I am very new at this but would really appreciate your thoughts...

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years or so and am reasonably close to his family although we have opposing opinions on things such as politics etc. For the past two years his mother has asked what I would like for christmas and I have said on both occasions a donation to either Shelter or crisis at christmas for a couple of reasons 1. I like to support them at this time of year especially and 2. this will sound ungrateful but if I havn't chosen something myself I will invariably hate it and I can't hide disappointment.

She has ignored my request and both times got me something that I not only hate but is not 'me' at all, as in no thought was put into it.

A £5 donation would have made my christmas, is that too much to ask...Thank you in advance.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 30/12/2010 18:26

I would never ever say I didn't like a gift from anyone ...how rude

GotArt · 30/12/2010 18:51

I wouldn't tell the person I received the gift from that it was awful, but I would complain to someone else... like...I got the umpteenth Body Shop GC from Uncle and I never/can't use the stuff and throughout the years have mentioned on many occasions, blatantly that I can only use organics without SPF in it and he just doesn't hear. This year, three separate times even, long before Xmas, I said NOT to get DH and I anything as we weren't getting anyone anything. He still bought it. I can't even sell the damn thing... no one likes the Body Shop that I know. He bought a crap load of gift cards for his GF as well. He goes to the SuperStore and buys them all at the GC counter. He is lazy.
I always thought, when I buy gifts for others, that it is a good idea to listen to what they say to get ideas for gifts or ask them and give them precisely what they want. If I ask them, I would most definitely get them what they wanted.

Original poster

OhKit · 30/12/2010 18:59

Agreed GotArt. Lots of people pick up any old crap for xmas pressies, very lazy imo.

OP posts:

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 19:51

It IS lazy, yes. If you want to buy something that someone wants then you should ask them what they want and listen properly. Sometimes, though, like the OP, people will not get you what you really want. I have had years of asking people for book tokens as I don't have much money to spend on myself and buying books seems like an extravagance so for me, the perfect present is a book token [nerd]. But there's only BIL that ever gets me one. They are so easy to get and involve no complicated thought processes that I assume the only reason the inlaws never get me them is because they feel it has to be an actual THING, with no obvious monetary value displayed on it. (I wonder if they think it's vulgar to give vouchers/tokens because the actual amount paid for it is there in front of you?)

Anyway, back to the OP. I think you just have to be gracious. You don't have to rave about rubbish presents, that would be hypocritical. But it's part of being an adult and having learned social niceties to find an element of SOMETHING you can appreciate in an unwanted gift. eg if it's a disgusting neon abrasive scarf, you say "Oh, isn't it nice and bright! That would cheer people up on a dark winter's day!" You're not actually telling a lie. Then you wear it on the odd occasion that the gift give might see it and then give it to a charity shop. It's still going to charity, so SOMEONE will benefit from it. Of course, if you really can't bring yourself to wear it then you could always make something up if asked by the giver a while later whether you use the item. So you'd say "I use it now and again, but to be honest, the material gets a bit itchy when I get hot." And then give it to the charity shop!

I remember a few years ago when we got given a card in lieu of a present from BIL's ex-wife (they were still married at the time). Inside the card it said "We have donated a goat on your behalf to an African villager" or something like that. That's even worse than your situation, OP!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 19:52

on the odd occasion that the GIVER might see it.

Original poster

OhKit · 30/12/2010 19:55

I would quite like a goat....

OP posts:

Gay40 · 30/12/2010 20:04

I do say I'm not into presents, or say what I'd like, and people just buy any old crap. I got fed up with pretending their lack of care was OK. So I wrote some new rules. And everyone knows where they stand, bar one relative lol

Gay40 · 30/12/2010 20:05

I don't think it's rude to politely decline the thoughtless gift. More thoughtless of them to buy you a shitty gift!

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/12/2010 20:08

I think you are being provocative, and possibly she is getting you back for it. Ask for something like a book.

Gay you are rude

TubbyDuffs · 30/12/2010 20:09

Seriously, how old are you?

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/12/2010 20:11

And of Gay is your idol OP, then you sound like you are determined to suck the grace out of receiving gifts.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/12/2010 20:12

if Gay is your idol ...

Gay40 · 30/12/2010 20:15

Maybe I've just realised that adhering to a bunch of silly social rules on gift giving actually isn't making anyone happy.
Smiling and pretending to like the polyester neon scarf just seems stupid to me. And if you are daft enough to play along, you'll get another crap gift next year. Good luck with that one.
(See you on the Shitty Christmas Gifts thread next year.)

mathanxiety · 30/12/2010 20:24

'surely when you buy a gift for someone you think about things that you know they would love and make use of?'
Well, you're being a bit precious when you complain that her gifts are not 'you' at all and no thought went into them when she has asked you what you would like and you have refused to give her even a little hint. How is she to know what you would love and make use of if you refuse to tell her?

It's also a bit controlling of you to say you don't trust her to get the perfect item. It doesn't have to be that one perfect thing that you would love more than anything else ever just something you might reasonably like to give her the pleasure of getting something for you. Can you allow her that pleasure? Gift-giving is not all about the recipient part of it is the pleasure of the donor in feeling their gift has been a nice or appropriate one, and she sounds anxious to get you something, anything, you might remotely like and not get it 'wrong'.

And no, you definitely should not chastise her for whatever effort she put in.

TubbyDuffs · 30/12/2010 20:24

Obviously [Gay40] you give brilliant gifts that no one can complain about!

How would you feel if someone came back at you having a go about their gift from you, especially if you had thought it was a good gift?

TubbyDuffs · 30/12/2010 20:25

ooops sorry should have been gay40

BrandyAlexander · 30/12/2010 20:26

I keep a cupboard of presents that I have received that I would never use. E.g. I am particular about my skin and hair care, and perfumes. So even if I get nice stuff I know I wont use them as they aren't good for my skin/hair. This stuff all goes in the cupboard. I then donate to christmas fairs, charities etc etc. Cupboard is locked so no friends know it exists and no one is offended and I always have something to donate. Problem solved. :)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 20:30

Gay40, there also might be other reasons why they've given you a gift that is not quite to your liking or what you asked for. In our house, for example, we have all had a horrible lurgy for weeks and that combined with the snow meant we haven't really been able to get out the house for a few weeks in the run-up to December. Now, I thank my lucky stars that for once I was organised this year and had done most present-buying before we got ill, but what about people who haven't? Or older people who may have trouble getting to shops where there might be a better choice of presents?

If it REALLY is the case that they've just flung any old present at you then I think that says more about what they think of YOU as a person, to be honest. Maybe they've got good reason not to bother with your present, if in past years you've just turned your nose up at it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 20:32

I've got a cupboard like that, novice! I have eczema so it's lots of stuff doesn't suit my skin.

BrandyAlexander · 30/12/2010 21:49

Good to know I am not the only one curly! My skin is so dry its practically scale-y so if someone buys me body cream, I might mention long long after the event (so as not to embarass them) how my skin is very dry. Women usually pick up on that and if they ever buy me skincare again it tends to be something that I can use. In the meanwhile, my trusty present cupboard is a lifesaver.

poshsinglemum · 30/12/2010 21:54

Why don't you giv ethe money to charity and accept her gift with grace. It's the thought that counts( unless it's one of those presenets that is designed to hurt such as a spanx or the like!)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/12/2010 22:03

WTF is a spanx?! [sheltered life emoticon]

Dansmommy · 30/12/2010 22:05

I'm shocked at some of the attitudes on this thread. Are there honestly people who think that what you recieve is more important than how you behave? My grandmother buys me tights every year. I don't wear tights. Loathe them. So I thank her politely and give them to my friend.

This year my aunt gave me a book I already have...I raved about it to my aunt, and plan to pass it on to another friend who shares the same hobby.

It what world would it be better to hurt the feelings of those people I love just to ensure I don't get the same old crap next year?

Some of you are very badly brought up, is all I can say.

Ephiny · 30/12/2010 22:08

You can't really say anything, there's no way for it not to be rude unfortunately. I get presents I don't like or want all the time, often get generic 'woman' presents like perfume or scented bath stuff (which I don't use as I have sensitive skin and don't like artificial scents) or earrings (which I can't wear as I don't have any piercings) and I find that a bit thoughtless. Would prefer people didn't bother at all or gave to charity instead. But the thing about gifts is that it's up to the giver, it's their money to waste, and unless you want to be rude all you can do is smile nicely and say thank you :)

Ingles2 · 30/12/2010 22:10

I bet you a tenner this is what your Mil thinks when you ask for donations....
She says to herself....
Charming, my gifts are not good enough for her then, not tasteful enough..
I don't want to donate to Shelter, I'll regift her something I didn't want, snooty cow.

Flip

1 2 3 4