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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be getting more and more annoyed with MIL

129 replies

nextchapter · 29/12/2010 21:51

Ok, this might be a long one, quite a lot of background so sorry!
Basically we had quite a large christmas, both mine and DH parent's plus his two brothers and their wives and my sister and her husband, 5 nephews and niece, aged from a newborn to 5, and DH's gran and they all stayed from the xmas day until, supposedly the morning of the 27th. However PILs, gran-in-law and DH's brother, his wife and two children are still staying with us, despite only living 20-30 mins away

I have four DH aged 6, 3 (DTs) and 7 month old, so obviously bedtime is something of a palava and we have devolped a routine that we are very strict with, we also the supernanny bedtime technique when they get up (its bedtime darling, its bedtime, and then nothing) The DC are normally very good and rarely get up however with all the room sharing we still have at the moment with their cousins, who are terribly behaved and appear to have no bedtime routine or indeed any bedtime, and the fuss of having guests we have had quite a few post bedtime appearance. However my MIL and DH's gran have been very dismissive of my routine over the past 3 and now 4 nights continually pulling the children onto their laps, saying they can stay up and opening crictising me, often in front of the children, about sending them to bed.

AIBU to think that they should learn to hold their tongues? And also go home!!

OP posts:

AnyFuleKno · 29/12/2010 22:20

Being polite and indirect is not working. You have to tell them straight.

"It's time you all went home. I need to get things back to normal"

zipzap · 29/12/2010 22:24

Ask for contributions towards food - one thing to invite everyone for christmas itself and lay on a big meal or two - that in itself is pretty generous.

But to expect you to feed them all for days with no contribution towards costs is a bit unreasonable. Could you get them to pay for a takeaway each night from now on as you are getting so fed up cooking for them all so it's no holiday for you and as they are taking over your recuperations days then you are going on strike?

What happened when dh was little - did they often go and stay places for ages or have pil/parents just arrive and stay for ages? Is it something that they consider normal?

If they try undermining you again think you need to just flip - OK so they might never let you forget it but you can just point out that they drove you to it. Just stand there and shout NO NO NO I WILL NOT Be undermined in my house especially when my children are suffering as a result and dn's are causing rampage and chaos for all. All children to bed NOW. Last night here for everyone. I want at least one night at home alone with my family before New Year's Eve. etc etc

I am sure if you sit quietly for just a moment or two (assuming you get a moment or two ) that you would be able to come up with the perfect rant in your head that says everything you want to say - it may be your only opportunity so make use of it!

warn dh that it might happen so that he supports you and doesn't side with them.

and take a deep breath and go for it!

Alternatively can you trap everyone at a meal or call a family meeting and sit there and say outright - look, when exactly are you going to go as we do have other plans, and you had originally said you were going on 27th. We love you dearly but it is time for you to go home.

And make sure you have alternative plans (and hopefully guests) that you are expecting for New Year's Eve so that they most definitely cannot stay for that if, as others have said, it sounds like they are planning on doing - even if they forgot to mention it to you

blowninonabreeze · 29/12/2010 22:25

My Inlaws NEVER set a leaving date. It drives me mad. I Never know how long they'll be staying, so how much food to order in etc.

I leave it to DH to communicate with them and he's got much better at being direct recently.

Couyld you use menu planning as a reason to KNOW how much longer they'll be staying?

MadamDeathstare · 29/12/2010 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 29/12/2010 22:25

nextchapter - every solicitor I have ever met has been very direct and assertive! Come on, get your metle up and tell them directly that Christmas is over, you will be stripping the beds first thing tomorrow morning in order to get things ready for next week back at work / school etc.

Uh oh, Are you the poster who was worried about firring them all in and having enough bedding? And we all told you to tell them to bring their own?

OK, plan B. Secretly turn the water off at the stopcock, fake a phoneall to the Water Co, and claim local burst main, no water for next 2 days.

borderslass · 29/12/2010 22:28

Ask if they want help with packing their bags, as you need to get your home back to normal before kids go back to school.

zipzap · 29/12/2010 22:30

oh and remember to tell them that whilst you like to spoil them occasionally on special days like Christmas Day with nice food and drink, that at the rate they are currently going through it you will all be eating beans on toast for January as a result whilst they will have extra in their budget for their own treats as they haven't had to buy any for nearly a week.

Regardless of how true this acutally is, might make them realise that they have now spent more than twice as long as they were invited for.

Alternatively - if the direct asking questions and direct subtle hints are not working, could you and dh stage a hissed arguement/conversation about how they are outstaying their welcome upstairs and accidently forget the baby monitor is on and inlaws all listening to it downstairs?

Can you tell I am very and on your behalf!

mitochondria · 29/12/2010 22:51

I am also very very cross on your behalf.

The food bill must be enormous! Are you doing all the catering for them?

Your husband needs to be the one to sort it out, really, as it's his family.

I like the idea of the overheard argument.

Could you fake norovirus? Or give them all food poisoning......

Hope they shift tomorrow.

SkyBluePearl · 29/12/2010 23:05

i think you are being perfectly reasonable in expecting your kids to go to bed at a set time. Mine do too and they are so grumpy and out of sink if they ever go later on in the evening. As a result we are very strict. I think you should be just as firm with the relatives as you are with your children. Stand firm and lay the lawd own.

SkyBluePearl · 29/12/2010 23:07

go out with your friends for a meal i agree - let them sort thier own tea.

Original poster

nextchapter · 29/12/2010 23:16

Yes blu i am indeed that poster as well. Nothing like a christmas with the in laws. I would be quite assertive but they are quite the grudge holders. Tact is the way forward I have learnt, or so I thought. I think a frank conversation will be required however. I honestly think they are never going to leave. My MIL actually went home for new clothes as i "wasn't doing the laundry quick enough". I am not a hotel!

The children's bedtime is really not helping as well, they are getting more and more over tired and grouchy and its hard keeping them under control when their cousins are doing whatever they please in my home. They have managed to destroy three cushions already by painting them

OP posts:

Plumm · 29/12/2010 23:24

Tell them tomorrow that they all have to leave as you need to get the house and kids ready for school next week (back into routine, etc). Don't be tactful so they really get the message (and they might not stay again).

QuickLookBusySanta · 29/12/2010 23:24

You have just got to be very direct.

You and DH present a united front and say "We have loved having you but we really need to get back into a routine, can you please go home tomorrow"

Are they still up? Do it now then run off to bed Go on, you'll feel much better for it!

charliesmommy · 29/12/2010 23:27

She went home for clean clothes??? blimey... that would have been the final straw I think!!!

You have to just be blunt and say "look, lovely as it has been to have you all here, I am afraid tomorrow is eviction day"

ReindeerBollocks · 29/12/2010 23:31

Blu - I know a few solicitors and none of them can actually deal with their own problems (Tongue in cheek).- DP is the worst.

next chapter - develop the habit that irritates them the most, be that nose picking, farting, belching or not flushing the toilet! (thanks DS for that idea). They will leave in no time

AnyFuleKno · 29/12/2010 23:31

the bloody cheek of them!

They are running up your leccy bill, your food bill, destroying your house, undermining you. Totally taking the piss. They are treating your house like a free hotel.

I hope next christmas you will land on them for 2 weeks and recoup your losses!

ZacharyQuack · 29/12/2010 23:33

TELL THEM!

They obviously don't do subtle, so be very direct.

If they're still up, tell them now "we need you all to go home tomorrow"

In the morning, once they're up, start stripping beds, restoring rooms back to normal, making plans for your own family for the afternoon. Provide breakfast (tea, toast and cereal) and then no more food.

clam · 29/12/2010 23:34

I am completely and utterly stunned by this thread. Who on earth goes to stay with family for Christmas (not counting abroad) and stays for longer than a couple of days?

How the hell did you get to this state of affairs. I remember the posts before Christmas about catering and bedding and how they all had the hump when you asked them to contribute. That was bad enough. And they're still here?

Bloody hell. Kick. Them. Out.
And let them hold grudges if they like. With any luck they'll be so pissed off they won't come again.

ZacharyQuack · 29/12/2010 23:35

Ahhh you're the one who asked them to contribute to Xmas dinner? Did they? Are they now trying to get their money's worth?

zipzap · 29/12/2010 23:35

HOpe you are going to ask for the cushions to be replaced - or at least for your cushions to be cleaned - by your bil!

Am that your mil went home to change clothes and came back again. Would have been tempted to change the locks on her

can your dh have a word with his brother and you have a separate word with sil and see what they think the situation is regarding how long they are all staying - and who it was that told them this... might be that pil told them that it would be fine to stay until after new year.

Maybe if you could work on them to show them how bad situation is for you, you could then get them to help you get pil out as well. On the other hand, they might like living in this hotel setup with free food, washing and childcare thrown in without any damage occuring to their property!

christmaswishes · 29/12/2010 23:43

Hi Nextchapter,

Can you not have a word with your husband and get him to tell them it is time to go. After all he should be able to tell them as he is their son and it would probably come across better from him.

Also I was wondering how it had gone over christmas. Is the MIL holidng a grudge over having to pay £50 towards the food? I she making digs. I think you are going to have to ctart charge more food money now seen as they have gone over the 3 days. I thought in the end they were going to visit on those day then travel home.

Original poster

nextchapter · 29/12/2010 23:46

We have told FIL that tomorrow has to be eviction day which he totally agreed with and has said he will tell MIL as he thinks she will "react better". We hardly live in New Zelans for gods sake. We are going to tell BIL later. They are currently putting their sons (5 and 3!!) to bed, in my sons' room which will undoubtably disturb them. Thanks so much BIL!!

OP posts:

ZacharyQuack · 29/12/2010 23:49

Well, tell BIL as soon as possible.

And in the morning, tell the children that they are going home today and won't it be great to get back to their own toys.

ZacharyQuack · 29/12/2010 23:49

Hell, I'd be packing the car for them at 6am.

AnyFuleKno · 29/12/2010 23:51

Well done nextchapter

Christ, what a bedtime. Those kids must be knackered

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