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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to sack the godparents?

134 replies

gotonenow · 29/12/2010 16:15

Hello everybody and happy Christmas (belated)! So, I was just wondering about Godparents. This is the situation. I was never bothered about our kids having them. I have always thought that they would probably have adults in their life apart from us but I couldn't predict now who they would be and selecting individuals as godparents wouldn't necessarily mean that those people turned out to be the important ones. Are you with me? We are also not Christian and the kids aren't Christened. However, as it turns out the Godparents have largely turned out to crap in most directions but particularly in the one area where they might have made an effort when the kids are young which is, I guess, giving presents. And having not wanted them in the first place I am now surprisingly hurt about that! I don't know why but I am taking it very personally indeed! Am I being unreasonable about this?

OP posts:

FrostyAndSlippery · 29/12/2010 16:48

I've heard non-religious godparents being referred to as 'mentors' if that helps.

Fibonacci · 29/12/2010 16:48

The role extends beyond gift-buying: 'to take an interest in the child's upbringing and personal development.'

It is one of those words - which originally had religious overtones, like Christmas, but which has now been subverted to have a more general meaning.

I know loads of atheists who have chosen 'godparents' for their children. Primary role is pastoral care, but giving good gifts is a key secondary role. IMHO.

melezka · 29/12/2010 16:48

My lovely friend asked DH and I to be legal guardians in case of her death, but asked other religious friends to be godparents.

In fact i wouldn't have minded being a godparent but I think the last time we had any kind of discussion on religious matters I may have been in a ranty phase

I thought it was very thoughtful of my friend.

Georgimama · 29/12/2010 16:49

No, the role as defined by your Wiki excerpt has nothing to do with present giving at all.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 16:51

i'm wondering what the gifts were (if any) that werent up to the op's standards!!

taintedsnow · 29/12/2010 16:52

There is certainly an implication of cutting out when you use the word 'sack'. It was harsh and uncalled for. Both in its intent and its delivery.

Fib, you are definitely reaching here. The OP's children do not have Godparents, but given the rest of her post, this is a largely incidental point. Valuing someone's role and effect in your child's life should never come down to presents.

Fibonacci · 29/12/2010 16:54

Well the OP needs to come back and defend herself - I think you've all scared her off though!

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 16:57

you reckon? it was her one and only post!!

TheMonster · 29/12/2010 16:59

Well who'd have thought it

Original poster

gotonenow · 29/12/2010 16:59

Oh God. Actually not God as I don't believe in God. Oh Gosh. I knew this would happen if I wrote quickly and didn't explain myself. This is more an argument between myself and my husband in some ways I guess. I NEVER wanted Godparents/Guardians/whatever you want to call them. As I said, it would be great if some other adults than us become important in my children's lives but I don't believe appointed 'godparents' will necessarily fulfil that role and therefore I don't see the point. The very LAST thing I want is to appoint 'godparents' solely to give presents. I find that idea really grasping I agree. Although I do think some people on here are being a bit sanctimonius about it. However, it seems to me that for many non-religious people who do appoint 'godparents' - and many do - that IS their main purpose, especially when the kids are young. At least amongst my husband's group of friends who have all appointed each other as godparents - and mostly seem to see it as their main duty to give presents!

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is the 'godparents' (let's call them special other adults!) don't seem to see themselves as special in ANY way and I am wondering what was the point! And also what I'm upset about is that the same people who are godparents to our kids are also godparents to friends kids and those kids HAVE been given presents. And although I think the whole thing is totally bogus to begin I find myself surprisingly and probably totally irrationally hurt on behalf of my kids. Does that make any sense at all? I hope so, I really am not a grasping materialistic type at all. Honestly.

OP posts:

Original poster

gotonenow · 29/12/2010 17:01

Ps the sacking thing was meant to be a joke, I was writing very quickly, and not really thinking. I think I am going to be unable to redeem myself though so I will probably sign out and consider this a post best left unposted overall! Perhaps this was indefensible .... Aaaargh, back to my hole with some mince pies and a cup of tea I guess.

OP posts:

TheMonster · 29/12/2010 17:01

Other than gifts, how would you like these adults to behave towards your children? How could they show they are special?

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 17:02

the other kids they are godparents to....are they 'proper' godparents?? to christened children?

this is all very odd!

Pancakeflipper · 29/12/2010 17:02

Dear Op, I looked at the title of this thread and thought " bet the pressies were not up to scratch. And a fiver she don't do God."

Now once you've sobered up. Ditch them, tell them why and do what we did - one set of Godparents to my boys are a Minister and his wife. We have bible stories galore and they also buy the biggest toy trucks/ diggers etc. So we get the Christian bit and the fabby toys! Result.

tyler80 · 29/12/2010 17:03

I better get in touch with my godparents and tell them they've got 30 years of gift giving to make up

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 17:03

do you not have a large family? is that the reasoning behind this? and how many godparents per child??

Fibonacci · 29/12/2010 17:03

be warned - lot's of pedants on Mumsnet who take things very literally.

I often use the word 'sacked' in a metaphorical sense.

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2010 17:05

my girls godmother is a driving instructor! the girls are 16 and 14 now and eagerly anticipating free lessons. the boys aren't christened but she will do the same for them...

Stangirl · 29/12/2010 17:06

We had an informal naming ceremony for DD with Supporting Adults in the traditional godparents role. As an atheist my best friend refers to my role in her DD's life as that of godless mother.

ivykaty44 · 29/12/2010 17:07

I am the crapest godparent ever! don't beleive in churches or religion or any type of god, have no real idea of how I ended up a godparent.

i do though buy my godson a Christmas prestn ever year without fail but not often a birthday present

BrandyAlexander · 29/12/2010 17:07

DH and I are godparents to several children. We hope and are sure that they chose us for being good people who believe in God and who will support each of them in the upbringing of their children. We happen to be financially better off than each of the different sets of parents and yes we do get them nice presents but on principle, we don't go over the top (which we could) and buy super expensive presents (which we could) because we dont believe that this is why we were chosen. If anything was to happen to either of us, our godchildren are mentioned in our wills and would each get a significant sum of money but there is no need for the parents to know that now. This year, for varoius reasons we havent managed to get round to getting presents for the godchildren yet. I would be horrified if the parents were thinking of "sacking" us. You are unbelievable.

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 17:08

The thing is, no one has any idea what the role of a godparent is if you are not a religious family and if you do not make it clear.

So it was a bit daft of you to appoint godparents. But you did so you can't then blame the giodparents for not doing something which was never outlined to them in the first place.

I would just quietly forget you ever asked them to be godparents to your children.

1234ThumbScrew · 29/12/2010 17:11

One of my three dc's was christened - the eldest and therefore has godparents. The second two were not christened ( there are reasons for this) and they also have 'godparents'. We use the Wiki definition in that they are adults who take an interest in our dc's. Strangely the godparents who attended dc1's christening are the ones who are least involved. I am also godparent to the dc of one of my dc's godparents who has also not chosen to have a religious ceremony. I don't believe it's that unusual.

I do feel a little hurt that the two GP'sof dd1 don't get involved, but Im fairly sure they'll come into their own when she's in her teens.

Original poster

gotonenow · 29/12/2010 17:12

Oh for goodness sake. I've just re-read these posts and there really are a fair few pedants on Mumsnet! I am glad to hear that you are all on a higher plane than me, I will get back to my materialistic consumerist heaven and leave you lot to be quite literally holier than thou! I would just say that if I was ever appointed Godparent/guardian, I would see it as my role to give a token at Christmas and birthday to demonstrate that I see that person as special and wish to play a role in their life and as they get older I would aim to develop that role to become something more meaningful. But whatever, I really think you lot need to get off your high horses!

OP posts:

SantaIsMyLoveSlave · 29/12/2010 17:12

What did you do to make them "godparents"? Did you have any kind of ceremony or just ask them? What about the other friends who have those same people as "godparents" -- did they have any kind of ceremony.

We had non-religious naming ceremonies for the DCs and did appoint sort of secular godparents or special adults who made promises at those about the role they would have in the relevant DC's life. In the case of DD we asked the "godparents" fairly early on, but the ceremony didn't actually take place until she was about 20 months (because of trying to coordinate availability of lots of different people) and I don't think they really thought of themselves as godparents until we'd had the ceremony.

FWIW our "godparents" promised

to take a special interest in the development of the child
to offer friendship and sanctuary, a sympathetic ear to the child's concerns, and advice where appropriate
to enrich the child's life by offering an alternative perspective to that provided by his/her family
to support DH and me in our role as parents, and in our efforts to live up to the promises we had made

On the first few points, I think one aspect of the importance of godparent-like individuals is that more or less everyone else who loves the child is supposed to care about all the siblings in the family equally and not prioritise one above the others in fact would be acting unreasnably if they did have favourites and it's nice for each individual child to have someone he/she can know is definitively on his/her side, finds him/her automatically more interesting than his/her siblings, and is not only allowed but encouraged to recognise that.

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