to want to sack the godparents?

[gotonenow]

Hello everybody and happy Christmas (belated)! So, I was just wondering about Godparents. This is the situation. I was never bothered about our kids having them. I have always thought that they would probably have adults in their life apart from us but I couldn't predict now who they would be and selecting individuals as godparents wouldn't necessarily mean that those people turned out to be the important ones. Are you with me? We are also not Christian and the kids aren't Christened. However, as it turns out the Godparents have largely turned out to crap in most directions but particularly in the one area where they might have made an effort when the kids are young which is, I guess, giving presents. And having not wanted them in the first place I am now surprisingly hurt about that! I don't know why but I am taking it very personally indeed! Am I being unreasonable about this?

[Georgimama]

I did suggest Elton John earlier.

[SantaIsMyLoveSlave]

But she also says "token" present which is hardly grasping. It's singling out the child for attention and making them feel special, not buying them gold-plated iPods. And clarifies the earlier remark by saying that giving presents is what these particular individuals seem to do to recognise all their other godchildren, so they seem to be ignoring their role in her DCs' life entirely.

Thinking about what I do as a secular godparent for my godson, I do give presents at Christmas and birthday when I don't for his brothers, I put up the annual school photo of him in my living room, I attempt to engage him in conversation above his brothers when I see them (although they currently live on another continent and he's more interested in DS than me so this tends not to get me very far ) and I take an active interest on news and photos of him that his mother posts on Facebook (the other continent thing again). I expect we'll do more as he gets older.

I suppose I am coming at this from a slightly different angle because my (religious) godparents were my mother's best friend from school, who promptly dropped out of her (and by extension my) life entirely and I never saw or heard from between the ages of 2 and 34, and my mother's brother, who was lovely but was obliged to treat all of us siblings equally. Whereas my younger siblings all got godparents who took (or at least had at least one godparent each who took -- they had a smattering of crap ones too) a real specific interest in them, sought out their company, were involved in first communions and confirmations and major life events and so forth, and I was very conscious that I didn't have anyone filling that role in my life and did feel short-changed as a child and teenager. It wasn't related to presents in the slightest.

Mind you, in the OP's case none of the godparents are doing anything at all, so at least differently-godparented DCs won't be an issue...

[cupcakebakerer]

Fibonacci - are you being serious? What about having a relationship with the child and being involved in his or her life? Being there for them if needed?

[cupcakebakerer]

The word token was certainly not mentioned in her original post Santa...

[Fibonacci]

cupcake - The OP has said that's what she wanted though - but wasn't getting any of it. maybe they live too far away to be directly involved? Most people conventionally express their feelings through buying presents at certain key moments in a person's life, it's not that hard.

[gotonenow]

I will try one more time as I am clearly not making myself understood. I didn't want to have godparents for the kids - my husband did. I do think it's entirely normal to sppoint godparents though, meaning special people in your children's lives, and not to be religious. However, one of the reasons that I didn't want them is because I can't see the point for many of the reasons mentioned above. If it is not religious/spiritual, and I do not believe they will necessarily play a special role in the kid's lives for lots of reasons (although they might because they are mates and that would be nice with no presents involved AT ALL), then I don't know what they are there for. It seems to me that amongst my husband's friends this question seems to have been resolved by making it about ... giving presents. For now, whilst the kids are young. Maybe that will change as they get older. I agree, it's a load of rubbish. And I would also say that I am NOT GRASPING!The sacking thing WAS A JOKE! In general I ASK people not to give our kids presents! Including family! What I am hurt about and what prompted the OP (irrationally I know) is that the godparents of our children gave their other godchildren presents (and appear to have made their role about giving presents, for now) but not ours. I KNOW it is stupid to be hurt about such a wrong thing to begin with but I am. What can I say?

[2rebecca]

If all the godparents have been crap as the original post suggests then maybe the wrong people were chosen for those roles, or perhaps the parents haven't nurtured their own relationships with these people so they still feel part of the extended family.

[minipie]

Have only skimmed the thread but:

• it's perfectly normal to have "godparents" who do not perform a religious function (I wish there was another name for them but there isn't)
  

• it's usual to expect godparents to show some interest in the child
  

• it's not the done thing to expect presents from the godparent, though let's face it I suspect most parents would
  

• the real question is, did the OP make her expectations clear to the godparents when she asked them to be godparents? If not, then maybe they have no interest in the child and only said yes to being godparents in order to be polite?

[Catnao]

My son has four godparents - my oldest brother, my two best female friends and a male friend. My brother and one of the ladies have been great, showing a real interest, visiting him, writing to him etc etc. The other lady has two small children now,one of whom has severe special needs, and whilst she does ask after him/show an interest, we meet up seldom (live far apart now), and she has a lot on her plate with her own young family. Annoying one is male friend. He carts photo around of my son, proudly tells people (usually single women) "This is my godson - he's great, blah - di blah" - and yet almost never asks about him, and on the rare occasions we meet up for lunch (maybe three a year), is palpably happier if my son stays at home with his dad as he finds kids difficult. This was a Christian ceremony - but I wish I had chosen differently with that one....

[GypsyMoth]

op....i asked earlier but you did not answer....the other children they gave presents to,are they proper,christened godchildren,and are they proper godparents to them??? might explain wh yours were excluded

and all these male friends of your DH who are insisting on this godparent,gift giving thing.....are they the ones buying the gifts?? or the wives/partners?

i find it odd that men would initiate this kind of thing

[cupcakebakerer]

Fibonaaci please don't patronise me! I can grasp the gist of things thank you very much.

[Fibonacci]

sorry cupcake

[Fibonacci]

my comment about it not being that hard was meant to refer to the buying and sending of presents and not anything else.

[PenelopeTitsDropped]

I have four Godparents (all in the religious meaning).

I have four Other People (one overlaps with the above).
They are executors; trustees and have gaurdianship should both my DH and I die before DD reaches maturity.

I think you have confused the roles somewhat.

[cupcakebakerer]

That's okay Fibonacci. To the original op: My husband is a 'godparent' but saw it more as being acknowledged as a best friend by the child's dad rather than him being any kind of spiritual guide etc. A bit like being chosen as a best man at a wedding. If left up to him his godchild would never get a present of any kind - it's always down to me to sort. Are these unwanted godparents male by any chance and meet with your partner regularly at the pub?

[minipie]

Imarried glad to hear there is another name.

Quite like the idea of "Giftparents" though

[SantaIsMyLoveSlave]

If you are talking in passing about your relationship to a child for whom you are a Special Adult (or whatever) it is one heck of a lot easier to say "My godson, Toby.." rather than "Toby, to whom I am a Special Adult I'm not sure whether you're familiar with that term, but it's like a godparent except the promises I made to him were more generally about upbringing and involvement and didn't specifically mention God or abjuring Satan and all his works anyway, Toby..."

[SantaIsMyLoveSlave]

Have also heard "oddparent" which has the benefit of sounding like "godparent" when used in casual conversation.

[SantaIsMyLoveSlave]

Anyway, the purpose of a godparent is clearly to sponsor you in your first London season and ensure that you meet a suitable marriage partner even though you are from shabby-genteel origins [has possibly read too much Georgette Heyer emoticon]

[Fibonacci]

supporting adult ... too much like supporting actor

mentor ... well i suppose that has a more conventional meaning.

Quite like 'oddparents' which someone else mentioned.

And 'giftparents' would certainly remove any ambiguity ...

[ghostgirl]

I am a 'fairy god mother' to my friends's son.