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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decide not to send gifts to niece and nephews next year

86 replies

activate · 29/12/2010 13:03

Because they never acknowledge nor thank me for them? It's not because it's too early I'm still waiting for a thank you for last year's presents

They are adults by the way (21 and 23) - their 17 year old sister did thank me by text so she's getting next year.

AIBU?

OP posts:

taintedsnow · 29/12/2010 13:04

Reaching, but was the text from the 17-year-old possibly supposed to be a thank you from all of them?

YANBU anyway though, I don't think.

Original poster

activate · 29/12/2010 13:05

Nope - it was from her for hers alone

what does reaching mean?

OP posts:

borderslass · 29/12/2010 13:05

YANBU I stop buying nieces and nephews once their 16.

taintedsnow · 29/12/2010 13:10

Reaching means reaching for a reason or explanation. And not really expecting to get a good one.

YANBU. I wouldn't send presents in your shoes.

LaWeaselMys · 29/12/2010 13:10

No, they are adults and should not be so rude.

Although I have to remind DP sometimes, we are both 23. But I have never had a gift at all from most of my family outside of parents and sister. So I think his family are amazing!

swanandduck · 29/12/2010 13:11

They are a bit old to be still getting presents posted to them from an Aunt.

readywithwellies · 29/12/2010 13:30

Growing up I was never aware of the 'thank you note'. If I saw the person, I would thank them, or my parents would. If I didn't see them then I wouldn't. Phone calls were expensive so we didn't phone people to say thanks either. No one cared, they were happy to give a gift.

It was only when I married a middle class family that this 'thank you note' materialised. I found myself being pressured into writing thank yous for gifts I would have preferred not to have received from people who would have preferred not to send them. If I didn't say thank you, I would get a nudge from the MIL, have you sent X a thank you card, X is most upset? They are threatening not to send gifts next year

Stop sending the gifts, if a thank you card means more to you than the pleasure the gift brings then you shouldn't be buying any gifts anyway.

I will not be encouraging my children to write thank you letters, I will be encouraging them to enjoy their Christmas, play with the gifts and show their thanks through their smiles. If I get a thank you letter from anyone (not that I do) I would politely tell them not to bother next year and to spend the postage on a pack of Smarties.

Original poster

activate · 29/12/2010 13:32

you think they're too old? I have the youngest kids in the family 16 - 6 year olds but all 9 of my nieces and nephews still get presents

I have facebooked them to ask if the presents arrived (they were emailed) and mentioned that I'd only heard from their sister - so lets see

OP posts:

Original poster

activate · 29/12/2010 13:34

readywithwellies - my niece texted me to say it had arrived and thanks - don't think that's too much to ask - my other nephews sent me email or facebook messages - again not too much to ask

OP posts:

Original poster

activate · 29/12/2010 13:35

more fool you if you don't encourage your own children to be polite and grateful for presents - what a horrible approach

OP posts:

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 29/12/2010 13:36

The op never said anything about a 'thank you note' She's still waiting for a thank you from last year, phone calls/texts are not that expensive, they could easily have done either in the last year.

OP YANBU

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 13:37

I think yabu if the only reason for stopping is due to the lack of thank you note.

I couldn't give a stuff about thank you notes. I haven't got a huge number of close relatives, we see all of them over christmas, I am very fond of all of them, I am happy to give nieces and nephews a present. Two of them are young adults and money is fairly tight.

If any of the above factors were different then I might consider not sending a present. But not because of a dumb note to please me and only me.

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 13:38

Any sort of thank you, then, note, text or otherwise.

TheBolter · 29/12/2010 13:44

I've never had a thank you - note or verbal- from my dn. So when she turns 16 next year the presents to her will stop.

Harsh but true.

Ready with, I think your attitude kind of sucks. But hey if you don't want to condition your children to show gratitude that's up to you.

Original poster

activate · 29/12/2010 13:48

So you are happy for absolutely no acknowledgement by an adult that they have received a gift? Really?

God I'm not - when I'm sent flowers or gifts I call / text and thank the sender because not to do so would be churlish.

So yes I feel my adult relations are churlish and I am happy to say that a text or email of "Got the gift you sent - thanks and Merry Christmas" is more than enough for me to be satisfied

OP posts:

charliesmommy · 29/12/2010 13:53

I didnt come from a middle class family, and nor do any of my husbands side.. but a thankyou note is not a class thing.. its a manners thing, and manners apply to everyone.

Wellies, your post is awful, you are IMO teaching your children to be rude.

It costs nothing to say thankyou, but it means a lot to the sender of the gift.

My daughter in law has sent thankyou notes to anyone who gave my granddaughter a gift since she was born, and also takes care to mention what the gift was too, rather than just a general "thanks".

When I was growing up (I am 40 now), we didnt have a phone, but my mum always made sure I sent a thankyou note in the post to relatives who had got me a xmas or birthday present.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 29/12/2010 13:58

Goodness, I'd stop sending presents to them, definitely. Manners cost nothing (ok, maybe the price of a text, but most people have free texts on their phones now!) and it's only polite to let people know that you have at least received the gift!

I found thank you letters a real chore when I was a child - but with the advent of internet and cheaper phone use, will be making sure DS says thank you in some way for his gifts! (Currently on video for overseas family)

LaWeaselMys · 29/12/2010 14:01

Being picky about it being a note or card is one thing.

But sending a message on facebook or email is FREE and shows that the gift is apreciated.

If the gifts are not appreciated they won't be upset at not getting any more will they?

borderslass · 29/12/2010 14:01

We always sent thank-you letters for gifts received although I still wouldn't send presents to adults. Even though you say yours are the youngest I presume you have always sent nieces and nephews so it evens itself out in the end.My eldest nephew now has presents sent to his children.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 29/12/2010 14:02

I stopped sending my neice and nephew because they never even SAID thank you if you handed them over in person! And they were adults too!

btw readywiththewellies...I'm not middle class but we were taught to send a note of thanks. It's not hard...you speak as though you are above manners.

crystalglasses · 29/12/2010 14:06

I love giving presents and a lot of thought goes into them. Receiving a thank you from adults is important to me. I have taken time and trouble to buy the gift and also want to know that it arrived safely. I don't mind if it is by phone, email, text,letter or face to face or if a month or so goes by before I receive it. I don't mind not receiving a thank you from children but appreciate some sort of acknowledgement from the parents that it arrived. I have stopped buying gifts for people who haven't thanked me in the past although I give it a year or two before I do on the grounds that people may have forgotten. My view is that if you can't be bothered to thank me, I can't be bothered to give the gift.

SkyBluePearl · 29/12/2010 14:11

They are getting a bit too old for gifts really. i think it's very important for kids and young adults to have manners and say thankyou - appreciating others and their efforts is a valuable thing and is something that should be done all year round. An email/text/FB/sype only takes a few mins and is free/cheap.

nickelbabyjesus · 29/12/2010 14:16

I actually agree, for the most part, with readywithwellies
We never did thank you notes or letters or anything like that when we were children, either - if we were given the present in person, they would be thanked there and then, and if they sent it to us, they would get a phone call to say thanks, but that was always mainly to ensure they knew it had arrived. and the phonecall would be made when the weekly phonecall was due (eg uncles) because it was too expensive to make an extra call.

I never heard of this essential thanking business until I was with my ex - and his mum used to make it seem more important than getting the gift.
I do think that's an odd attitude - if you speak to someone to say thanks, then that's enough.

To the OP, though, i wouldn't send presents to adults as it can get too expensive - unless you are going to see them or if you have noone else to buy for.
But YANBU to expect a short thanks - as you say, by phone or text. but YABU to withhold future gifts just because they didn't thank you. they might not have been brought up to go out of their way to thank people for gifts.

readywithwellies · 29/12/2010 14:54

OK, apologies about the middle class reference, however I have no experience of this issue other than with middle class people, so that is the case IME.

I don't care if you think my dcs are rude and are not taught manners, I know the truth. I also know that none of the people who send them gifts send notes theirselves so I am not offending anyone(other than exh family - I don't see the gifts so not my responsibility).

I don't see why someone else's traditions and idea of 'manners' should be enforced on me and my dcs. Personally I think it is rude to expect a thank you. What are you hoping to achieve by taking this stance with your adult relatives?

My exh has memories of having to write thank you letters on Christmas Day evening and his mother was so obsessed she would unwrap the presents prior to Christmas, write down what presents what relative had given and then wrap them back up just in case it got missed in the drama of Christmas morning.

Maybe you should put on the labels that you require a thank you?

saffy85 · 29/12/2010 14:59

YANBU to be annoyed at the lack of manners. Doesn't have to be a letter/note but a phone call, text or email is equal to a note imo. It's very important to teach DC to say thank you for things. I'm by parents who dont enforce it.

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