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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To decide not to send gifts to niece and nephews next year

86 replies

activate · 29/12/2010 13:03

Because they never acknowledge nor thank me for them? It's not because it's too early I'm still waiting for a thank you for last year's presents

They are adults by the way (21 and 23) - their 17 year old sister did thank me by text so she's getting next year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
activate · 29/12/2010 16:43

readywithwellies we'll just have to agree that each other's expectations are just abhorrent to the other then

I would find it an anathema to bring up a child to not say thank you for a gift given, and for an adult to not make contact to say thank you for a gift, even if they despise it,

As stated I am happy with a brief text, email, facebook message or call and not expectating a crafted letter on personalised notepaper. I'm rather glad I don't know you in RL tbh.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 29/12/2010 16:48

YANBU. I don't send notes if I am seeing the person, but for those I won't see I do. Especially those of the elder generation, grannies, their friends etc.

A text or an email wouldn't kill them. If they were children it would be different but they're adults. If someone were sitting in front of you and gave you a gift you'd say thank you otherwise it'd be rude...how is it any different if they're not there?

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 16:59

activate, you have posted on AIBU so I reaaly don't know why you're getting arsey with a different opinion which is politely put.

STop sending presents by all means if the recipients' attitudes are abhorrent to you.

NetworkGuy · 29/12/2010 17:13

Don't think it was getting arsey, panettoinydog, just making a statement of fact (and probably reciprocated anyway), because for the majority of people the acknowledgement tied up in the form of a "Thank You" message is plain old good manners (and the OP has indicated any method, whether text, e-mail or other would be fine) and hardly costly or difficult, but seemingly something ignored by some.

Perhaps it is an age thing, where one was "expected" and now some "don't bother" (ie out of sight, out of mind) even if the means of communication are widely used to gossip with friends, arrange to meet at the pub, and so on, the saying of "Thank You" is avoided by some, it would seem.

panettoinydog · 29/12/2010 17:15

I thought the comment re 'I'm glad I don't know you in real life' was v arsey, network, bearing in mind wellies was polite. She just held a different opinion which activate had asked for.

NinkyNonker · 29/12/2010 17:18

I agree it was polite, but a little passive aggressive (prob wrong term) as well...with the 'if you only send presents for the thank you don't bother' and 'I don't see why we should have to conform to others' ideas of manners'...even if these 'others' are the majority. But maybe I am feeling snippy today, always a possibility!

NetworkGuy · 29/12/2010 17:24

OP, YANBU. I often consider how few people bother to say "Thank You" when a door is held open for them.

It used to be the case that our elders would both expect a door to be held, and respond to it being done with a simple "Thank You", but those days have gone...

I still hold doors open, but consider it to be the exception rather than the 'rule' to be acknowledged via some polite comment.

It's not that I depend on gratitude, even though it costs nothing, but one of those small aspects of politeness that has gone missing in the current "I am rebellious teenager... I want money clothes gadgets... and fuck you if you expect me to say thanks" materialistic, selfish, society we now live in.

WinkyWinkola · 29/12/2010 17:41

Someone gives you a gift, you say thank you. That is the norm in our society. It is rude not to say thank you, whether by note, text or FB message, when somebody gives you something or does something for you. One must be a very special person not to be offended by al lack of common courtesy.

OP, call up your nephew and niece. Ask if they received gifts and say you're glad they got them and that you hope they had a wonderful Christmas. You will get a thank you then. They're young, no parents to prompt them etc. Give them a gentle prod yourself.

FredFredGeorge · 29/12/2010 18:08

Yes Prompt them, but stop sending them presents anyway - they probably don't want them very much, if they did they'd be very eager to thank you. But I do think YABU to be so bothered about the lack of a thankyou, it's a pretty minor breach of manners.

Presents for adults who can afford their own presents are pretty pointless. Save your money for smarties for yourself.

JamieLeeCurtis · 29/12/2010 18:16

It is rude not to say thankyou, and in your circs. I would stop sending presents.

I think it's not necessary to send thankyou notes if you are with the person when they open their present, but otherwise some kind of acknowledgment is in order

Original poster
activate · 29/12/2010 18:26

I prompted them on facebook this morning just before starting this thread and they have now thanked me and wished us a Merry Christmas

I am going to stop giving to adults next year tbh

OP posts:
2rebecca · 29/12/2010 18:59

If adults I think fair enough. My aunts and uncles stopped getting me presents when I became an adult.
I think the relationship changes and you either get each other presents or don't bother. An older adult buying a younger adult a present and it not being reciprocated is wrong to me.

readywithwellies · 29/12/2010 19:09

I can take it. OP has her opinion, and I have mine.Smile

So, OP, really you were looking for an excuse not to buy for adults? Grin

Why not just say that in the first place?

Btw, prompting adults to say thanks? Shock

I am dying to know what you bought them. Do tell!

readywithwellies · 29/12/2010 19:12

Oh and for the record, I know it is polite to say thank you. My issue is the OP expecting and now admitting prompting thank yous.

Give because you want to , OP doesn't want to. Op is annoyed because a gift she didn't really want to buy has been ignored.

Original poster
activate · 29/12/2010 19:24

passive aggressive much?

OP posts:
Normanshormones · 29/12/2010 19:26

I'm in the same position as you, OP.

My nieces & nephews have never thanked me for the gifts I send at Christmas so I'm not going to send any more. I don't even know if they got them as they were sent by post.

I always taught my DCs to write letters if they weren't able to express their thanks in person - it's good manners and I think the poster who doesn't encourage this has no manners at all. Good heavens, it's not exactly difficult these days is it - a quick text or email would at least let you know the gift has arrived safely.

MadamDeathstare · 29/12/2010 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lamorna · 29/12/2010 19:39

I think that 18 yrs is a good time to stop present buying. I would certainly stop if they don't manage a simple thank you by that age.

readywithwellies · 29/12/2010 19:41

My post is not passive aggressive. I do have an odd sense of humour but hey, I put smiley faces in and everything!

I genuinely want to know what you bought though. Maybe next year you could buy them 'The Little Book of Manners'?

I am also seriously contemplating changing my ways and getting my dcs to ring around the present givers to say thanks tomorrow. They can't use Facebook, or spell yet.

The dcs won't have a clue who they are talking to but, as you say, it is 'good manners' and will start them on the path to righteousness.

GrumpyEbeneezerScroogeGit · 29/12/2010 20:01

I grew up without having heard of thankyou letters as well - took me a bit by surprise as an adult to realise how strongly some people feel about them. I must've massively offended loads of people over the years.

MadamDeathstare I remember receiving loads of gifts with my firstborn (after having discovered the requirement to send thankyou cards and having bought some before the birth to enable me to send them) and feeling really stressed about trying to keep track of who things were from, find addresses to send thankyous to and actually get out of the house to post them. I had a pretty hard time with my firstborn and that pressure made me honestly wish I hadn't been sent the gifts.

OP I think yanbu to not send gifts, but yabu to feel a thankyou is a somehow a requirement in order to 'get' a present the following year.

RememberToPlaywiththeKids · 29/12/2010 20:02

I am 'for' thank yous in writing (in some form) or a phone call unless there was a face to face thank you at the time.

The reasons for this are:

  1. Even thought the pleasure of giving is to give - BUT how can you get any pleasure if there's the worry that it hasn't arrived?
  1. I personally can't stand the thought that someone has put some time and thought and money etc to buying me something and for me not to say anything at all. That would just be awful. I ALWAYS appreciate people doing things for me whether it's hands on help, listening to me moan, giving me a present etc. I appreciate the other people in my life and I like to tell them. Just to leave them hanging isn't something I like to do to people.
  1. It is basic manners to thank people and is the view of the majority of people in this country, so even if you don't think it's important, the chances are that it will be to the other person and as it costs nothing, then surely as a default, that would be the best position to take?
crystalglasses · 29/12/2010 20:02

I think your posts are coming across as being a little passive agressive, readywithwellies. If your dc are very young and don't know the present givers, why don't you phone them and at the same time, tell your dc that you are going to thank them on their behalf.

Pancakeflipper · 29/12/2010 20:13

what a fuss. You sound like you are provoking the OP Readywellies... You don't agree, you've made your point, yet still needling.

We thank those whom we see face to face over the festive period. I write to those ( that's most of our friends/ family) whom we are not likely to see but I like letter writing so it's not a chore.

What ever method is picked, I believe a thank you is apt after receiving a gift.

coldtits · 29/12/2010 20:16

The thankyou note is not a class thing at all, it's a family tradition thing, from particularly pedantic families, most of whom seem to congregate on Mumsnret.

I don't think I know ONE PERSON in real life who either does this, or who wouldn't be utterly baffled by it.

I send a gift or bring a gift because I want to. I'm not making a thank you note collection, ergo I don't want one.

GrumpyEbeneezerScroogeGit · 29/12/2010 20:28

Grin coldtits I like you