To decide not to send gifts to niece and nephews next year

[activate]

Because they never acknowledge nor thank me for them? It's not because it's too early I'm still waiting for a thank you for last year's presents

They are adults by the way (21 and 23) - their 17 year old sister did thank me by text so she's getting next year.

AIBU?

Agree with Wellies and Grumpy. I had never heard of thank you letters either when growing up, my family all used to exchange presents and that was that. I just assumed you said thanks when you saw the person.

The first time I knew of their existence was after DD was born, when MIL freaked out, as we hadnt made a note of the presents received or sent out thank you cards. DP's family are mad keen on them (they have collages of family photos laminated and sent out etc). I have to say, I was completely baffled.

I do think they should have sent you a quick email etc though OP.

YANBU. We gave gifts to 2 nieces this year, neither they or their parents have thanked us, and we were sat with them all last night at a family meal. They are both 13 yo.

readywithwellies

saying "Thank You" is a class thing!?

Op don't bother sending them anything!

I am bored of the 'passive aggressive' accusations on mn.

It's not passive aggressive. It is someone assertively stating their opinion and chucking in a bit of personality.

It is a lazy, big fat full-of-air accusation.

I would cut parents of newborns a lot of slack in thankyous as in everything else, but in this particular case YANBU.

readywithwellies, if you're sure that none of your families give a toss about thank yous (or might be concerned to know whether a gift in the post has been recieved safely) then YANBU either I guess, but I've always seen it as a good chance to exchange notes with family members who I don't see that often - it's what my sector of the middle classes do instead of round robins (but hand written, or typed by children, which keeps them snappy).

No evil, I retracted this. I had only seen it in middle class families, and before marrying exh had never socialised with middle class people.

I do agree with coldtits tho, 'pedantic' is a better term.

FYI, all of you calling me passive aggressive should really understand what passive aggressive is before labelling me.

Sod the pair of them. That's unequivocally rude.

I was sent gifts from various aunties, uncles, godparents, etc as a child. I always wrote to say thank you even if if took a couple of weeks for me to get round to it.

Next year send to the girl that said thank you and perhaps the other two will get the message.

"it's a family tradition thing, from particularly pedantic families, most of whom seem to congregate on Mumsnret."

pedantic ? Do you slam doors in people's faces when you are out at the shops, or hold them open for the next person, if you know someone is close behind you ? If you don't think a Thank You is called for, one might logically argue you'd be the slam in face person, but no, honestly, I truly doubt it.

It's not pedantic, but a social norm in the UK, for the vast majority of people. Go look up pedantic and see if you can explain your choice of that word.

"I don't think I know ONE PERSON in real life who either does this, or who wouldn't be utterly baffled by it."

That is difficult to believe. I cannot imagine anywhere in the UK where one would not have been taught to use the word "please" and the phrase "thank you" (minor annoyance when I see that as 'thankyou' on shop signs etc) unless you are not in the UK and such an approach is the case where you live (and if so, in which country is that, please?)

"Please" and "Thank You" should be second nature to people but I hesitate to suggest there may have been some form of deprivation in case we stray into class comparisons.

all my dc have said ty in one form or another for everything they have got this year.Not by writing letter but by phone,text,email .Fb.

I feel it is polite and even the art of saying thank you even if the gift was unsuitable.

oh and in my family no adult buying unless there under 19 and in f/t education .So i wont buy for my 18yo niece who choose not to go to collage and now signs on the dole .But will buy for her 17 yo brother who is at collage f/t

NetworkGuy - Thank you notes, not thank yous in general. OP is happy with Facebook, email etc and this I concede is less hassle.

I say thank you for people opening doors, letting me pass in the car, dropping off parcels. I just have an issue with enforced thank yous.

Can you imagine walking down the street, opening the door for someone and then saying, 'Well? Where is my thank you?'
That is just as rude as not saying thank you.

No one sends me gifts through the post, so there is no issue here with not knowing if I receive it. Also, if I did get a parcel through, I would call to say it had arrived and throw in a thanks prior to opening it.

Pedantic -

Like a pedant, overly concerned with formal rules and trivial points of learning.

I think that is accurate in this situation

Haven't read the whole thread, but how old are the neices and nephews ? Can they easily contact you to say thank you ?

I have just had to send a message on fb to my cousin asking her to pass on mine and the kids thank's to her parents for presents that they sent for my dc, because I have no other way of contacting them.

Readywithwellies - surely conforming to certain social norms and unwritten rules of behaviour towards our fellow citizens is what makes us a civilised society. I suspect you are in the minority in your approach to thanking someone for a gift, and of course you have every right, as an individual, to carry on as you are doing.

I have never sent or received a thank you note

Im 44

I will always say thank you in person, I open doors, I give up my seat for elderly people etc

My DC are always complimented on their good manners

My family would think I was odd if I suddenly started writing thank you notes

I don't think this debate is about whether people, should write thank you notes. It's about whether or not people should thank at all. I believe in thanking people for a gift, either by phone, email, letter or in person.

"Can you imagine walking down the street, opening the door for someone and then saying, 'Well? Where is my thank you?'
That is just as rude as not saying thank you."

But wouldn't you be annoyed if you did this the whole time for other people and not one of them acknowledged your act of courtesy? Just walked on through the door without even looking at you? I'm pretty certain you would.

It is polite and normal to say thank you. It is not out of order to wish people would say thank you when you do something nice for them. However they say it.

My last post was concerned with sending poitless little bits of paper instead of either picking up the phone or waiting until you can seesomeone to say thank you in person.

And I happen to feel that "pedantic" is rather a well fitting description for people who will deliberately ignore the past 100 years of communication technology in order to continue a now defunct middle class tradition (and it WASN'T a tradition for any other class, the working classes being mostly both giftless and illiterate and the upper classes generally having staff for such formalities)

And can you imagine if you walked down the street holding doors open for people and 3 days later, flurries of little hand written thank you letters arrived?

coldtits.

I would like to see thank you cards banned. Completely and utterly banned. I hate them. Nasty little bourgeois things, they are.

I get ds to write thank you cards for birthday presents after his party (becasue that's what everyone else seems to do) but otherwise a quick "thank you" by phone or in person is more than enough. At Christmas though everyone's so busy I really wouldn't expect it, otherwise everyone would be wasting Christmas afternoon going through the motions when in reality they should be watching shite on the TV and drinking advocaat.

After a party is one time that I wouldn't get them to write letters, it is much better to open it in front of the child and let them say thank you. In reality it is usually the parent who writes it on the computer and the child just signs it.

Lamorna, opening presents at the party doesn't seem to be the done thing these days, at least not until they're bigger. DS opened his last year and the year before, but then there were only 4 of them in total.

Opening all 15+ presents there and then is a recipe for disaster. Ime

readywithwellies - so your DC recieve gifts from people that they don't even know? I make sure my DS (JUST 3) knows who these [people are) he will do thank you cards with me, because a I think it is polite and b, he nejoys making them. He will be told why he is doing it and i know he will say it is a nice thing to do.

FWIW we never wrote thank you cards either, but always ensured the person was thanked.

I stopped buying for my brothers kids years ago as they always cost me loads to post and I never even knew if they had arrived, and it gets tiresome. They don;t contact ANY of our side of the family to tell them things are there, let alone "say" thank you

My 3 year old, off his own back, thanks me when I tidy up when I make him a meal. He is, if I say so myself, bloody lovely.

GrumpyEbeneezerScroogeGit - although I think it's only good manners to thank people who have gone to the trouble to buy a gift, I'd always forgive someone who's just had a baby for not sending an acknowledgement. You've got enough on your plate at this time.

maxy - my dc receive gifts off two local people they see less than once a year, they are 3 and 6. These gifts are passed from my mum to my dcs. If the dcs see these people, they always say thank you, as does my mother on receipt. However, if I were to get my dcs to call them, they wouldn't know who they were talking to. It is mutual.

"My 3 year old, off his own back, thanks me when I tidy up when I make him a meal. He is, if I say so myself, bloody lovely."

He is bloody lovely, maxybrown, and good mannered, polite & obviously very well brought-up.