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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its a bit weird they are using the name already?

166 replies

LolaBellsAllTheWay · 27/12/2010 06:51

Sil is 23 weeks pregnant with a boy (as told at 20 week scan). The ils were at ours for dinner yesterday and she is refering to the baby by the chosen name, as is mil and other sil.

I just find this a bit weird. When i was pregnant with dds we knew both times and although we had names we didn't use them incase they didn't suit it, or the scan was wrong.

It might be grating on me a little as it was our choice if dds had been ds.

I also noticed that bil wasn't using it but i know he's not entirely happy with the choice so i find it weird that sil is using it before they've agreed on it.

Is it weird?

OP posts:
JanetPlanet · 27/12/2010 07:00

Why do you care? If the name changes after the baby is born then so what! I used my son's name before he was born so I guess you'd think I'm weird too. Do you dislike sil generally? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, take it as a compliment.

Sapphire2012 · 27/12/2010 07:29

No it isnt weird! You wouldnt go around calling your child "the child", would you? so they are refering to their baby as the name they chose!

DeckTheHallWithBowlsOfPomBears · 27/12/2010 07:41

It's a bit off if the DH does not entirely agree with the name. I just wouldn't do it - always prefer to wait until the baby is born, but each to their own. I think you are being touchy about it because it was your choice of name.

gorionine · 27/12/2010 07:47

I use to hve a nickname for all my "bumps", I do not think it is weird at all to give a proper name. I agree that if the Dad is not happy with the name they should not do it though, or find a name they both agree on.

diddl · 27/12/2010 07:50

I think it´s wierd tbh.

But then I never assume that you´ll have a baby until you have it iyswim.

sakura · 27/12/2010 07:51

YANBU
I refused any scans until 35 weeks because they don't tell you much anyway, and what I think is weird is how dependant women get on seeing the heartbeat on the screen, finding out the sex and bonding with their baby in this way.

I think there's a reason we can't look inside our wombs. I think some things are best left 'undiscovered' .And the reason I think this is because pregnancy and birth are unpredictable; in other words, miscarriages are pretty normal and are part of women's biology. Stillbirths are not unheard of.

So it makes me uncomfortable when I see that women have bonded with their babies through scans. I think it's unaturally obtrusive and if the woman does end up losing the baby, there is more overall trauma

I was forced to have scans at 35 weeks and they told me the sex each time, so it's not finding out the sex that bothers me per se ; it's bonding through scans that bothers me

sakura · 27/12/2010 07:52

that's what I wanted to say diddl

camdancer · 27/12/2010 08:00

I absolutely agree with diddl. You can never count your chickens.

But Sakura I completely disagree with you. Having scans possibly saved my life. My first pregnancy was a partial molar pregnancy. If it hadn't been found on a scan it could have continued to grow and change into full blown cancer. It was caught on a scan, taken away and I was fine - after a very long 6 months of waiting. If you think scans are just for bonding with your baby you are wrong. They are a diagnostic tool for finding out if there are any problems and hopefully those problems can be dealt with quickly.

NorkilyChallenged · 27/12/2010 08:05

It's not something I would do as I prefer to keep the name secret from other people and haven't ever really used it privately for the baby until the birth. I also have a bit of a "don't count your chickens" feeling (even though I do find out the sex).

However, it's extremely common - I know lots and lots of people who have done this (sometimes before even knowing the gender) and referred to the baby by name all the way through pregnancy. The only bit that seems a bit odd is that the BIL isn't keen and isn't doing it.

FairyTaleOfNewYork · 27/12/2010 08:07

bollocks. if a woman has carried a child for however long then she will have bonded with it, no matter if she calls it by a name or not.

My ds, who is still inside, has been called baby Og for months. In the last few weeks we have given him his proper name. we have said that its not a definate name, but its his name for now, and one we agree on AT THIS MOMENT.

If the worst should happen then I have still bonded with him, I have felt every kick, every hiccup, etc etc. I have fears and worries like everyone, the fact that he is a boy and has a higher % chance of developing dh heart condition scares me shitless tbh, but he is still my son, and i love him.

Nothing is a definate, i know that, i think most people know that.

scans didnt help me bond, as i didnt find out the sex till 32 weeks, the scans helped reassure me that things are OK at that moment. as in all heart chambers look good, no obvious defects etc etc.

onimolap · 27/12/2010 08:12

I had bump names, which were different from eventual names, which we settled on only after we'd met the baby and s/he was about a week old.

I'd find use of an actual name pre-natally weird. But harmless-weird (IYSWIM) and each-to-their-own.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2010 08:13

scans are very useful. lord knows how long i would have carried my 'missed miscarriage' if i hadn't had a standard one. baby had died some time before and didn't reject, waited another week in hopes it would start naturally before resorting to surgery.

would possibly have ended up infertile without scans.

i also don't think that miscarriage is easier if women haven't seen the baby on a scan. i also think it is deeply personal how to deal with things. as someone who'd had a miscarriage with no signs and then went on to bleed a few times in my pregnancy with my ds i needed the scans to stay sane and it was only after the 20 weeks scan and reassurances at that point that i coudl really relax and enjoy things.

as for names - op why care? you're just peed off by them using your choice of them by the sounds of it.

gorionine · 27/12/2010 08:14

Sakra, I do not know how it worked for you but I bonded with my baby from the second my pregnancy were confirmed. I never ask to know the sex of my babies and scan did not help me bond. The bonding was done before the scans, every single time.

sakura · 27/12/2010 08:30

camdancer sorry, maybe I didn't make my point clear. I don't think scans are just for bonding with your baby. I think in some instances, like yours, they have their place.
That is why i finally agreed to a scan at 35 weeks.
But I do think scans are overused. Very overused

gorionine I did not have scans until 35 weeks and I bonded with her after she was born. The hormones flying through my body post-partum were the biggest rushes I've ever had in my life. I think we're designed to bond with our babies after they're born, on the whole, give or take, for obvious reasons

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2010 08:50

sakura i think you're being guilty of taking your experience and applying it as a universal. many, many women bond with their babies through pregnancy. most i would say. less so in early pregnancy whilst their is no movement or visible signs etc but i think it would be weird (from my personal experience) not to bond with a moving baby with a clear sleep/wake cycle and response to being in water, sound etc.

so i could end up saying it's abnormal not to bond with your unnborn child but then that would be me doing the universalising of my own experience.

we're all different.

diddl · 27/12/2010 08:53

Oh & even though I said "never assume"-I did bond as soon as I was pregnant & we talked about names & what baby might look like to each other, but no one else.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 27/12/2010 08:53

yeah. i stand by that. i don't like to hear universals or shoulds/shouldn'ts about women's bodies and feelings.

these are personal experiences, built on the back of a lifetime of personal experiences shaping the present and our response to it. we're not 'animals' in this sense because of the complexity of our memories and the way we shape reality.

mousesma · 27/12/2010 08:55

Most women only have 2 scans and both are reasons of medical necessity to check for anormalies rather than for a photo op so it's a bit ridiculous to say they are over used.

Re:the OPs question I think each to their own. Some people like to use the name they have chosen before the baby is born and some don't neither is right or wrong.

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh · 27/12/2010 08:55

I wouldn't use a name before baby was born because the superstitious part of me would feel like tempting fate.

I have to agree that scans are overused though. I'm due my 6th scan in as many months Jan and whilst it's lovely to see the baby again I don't see the value added - we know there's a baby and its heart is beating and that's all I personally care about. Little (much loved) bugger is transverse but I could have told you that, and so could any half competent midwife, and I'm not worrying at this stage - that comes in 10 weeks or so.

FooffysFestiveShmooffery · 27/12/2010 09:03

OP - I think you are fed up that they are using your name choice. My good friend is using the name choice we had for DD had she been a boy and it doesn't bother me a jot.

I found out the sex on both of my DC at 21 weeks and referred to them both by name as soon as it was decided. I felt that when they were born they were little people with an identity and that I already knew them.

Should the scans have turned out to be wrong then, good lord,it's not a catastrophe. Change the name and get on with enjoying your child.

FooffysFestiveShmooffery · 27/12/2010 09:05

Santais entirely agree.

gorionine · 27/12/2010 09:10

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh, do you go private? I have nnever been offered more than 2 scans on the NHS, one @ 12 weeks and one @ 20 weeks. Never heard before of a scan every month.

sakura · 27/12/2010 09:15

santais I agree with you about the universal shoulds and shouldn'ts with women's bodies, but I just thought I'd throw a new idea into the mix.
But sorry to labour the point; I don't think I'm explaining what I mean very well.
What I mean is:

YOu rarely hear that scans might not be all that good for women and babies, and their bonding. All you hear is that they're brilliant and they help bonding.
All I am saying is that that might not be a good thing, in general for women to bond in this way (find out the sex, for example). The reason I think this is that childbirth is notoriously unpredictable

[also, I wrote "give or take", to make it clear that I knew all circumstances are different]

PressureDrop · 27/12/2010 09:20

Each to their own, but privately I agree that this is weird and creepy.

gorionine · 27/12/2010 09:21

You can have scans and not ask for the baby'sex. I think in my friends and family, there is about a 50/50 split betwenn the ones wo wanted to know and the onces who prefered to be surprised. Not knowing the sex of my babies did not stop me from bonding. I thin most people use scans as a medical tool rather than a bonding one.

In what circumstances can scans be "not all that good" for the mother or the baby do you mean by that they could potentially be dangerous?

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