To think its a bit weird they are using the name already?

[LolaBellsAllTheWay]

Sil is 23 weeks pregnant with a boy (as told at 20 week scan). The ils were at ours for dinner yesterday and she is refering to the baby by the chosen name, as is mil and other sil.

I just find this a bit weird. When i was pregnant with dds we knew both times and although we had names we didn't use them incase they didn't suit it, or the scan was wrong.

It might be grating on me a little as it was our choice if dds had been ds.

I also noticed that bil wasn't using it but i know he's not entirely happy with the choice so i find it weird that sil is using it before they've agreed on it.

Is it weird?

i agree i find it wierd too. 3 people i know well have done this recently and it feels so odd to me.
i thought one should always offer a few red herrings when asked if you have a name ready..and finally decide in private in the hours and days after the baby was born..and then make the announcement

I had scans at 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 28, 30, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36 and 37 weeks when I was pg with identical twins. A friend of mine had id twins who developed TTTS, and without the high frequency of scans it is unlikely that it would have been picked up, and she would very likely have lost both babies.

I found out that my twins were girls at 18 weeks, and called them by the names we had chosen for them from about 34. I don't think it's weird.

What I DO think is weird is people who choose names and then tell everyone they know the sex and they've settled on a name but they're keeping it secret.

OP YAB(a tiny bit) U re the name, though I understand why given the backstory. And sorry you had such a hard time with dd2. YABU to think it weird though. From personal experience (yes- an anecdote!) my first ds was stillborn. We had not found out the sex/had many scans etc. I fell pg with ds2 straight away. I had 38 scans in total as my consultant could not determine exactly why ds1 had died, though we knew he had not grown properly. I named ds1 after he was stillborn. I happened to find out ds2 was a boy at 16 weeks. We then referred to him by name, as did everyone else. It would not have been worse had something happened to him that we had named him, nor would it have had any bearing on luck. As someone else mentioned, it did also help to focus on "ds name" the little person, though I wouldn't say it helped or didn't help wrt to bonding.

sakura you seem a bit flippant about baby loss in general, which has annoyed me. For some people who are deep in grief, as I myself was, scans are both physiologically and mentally necessary for the wellbeing of baby and mum. You say you refused scans till 35 weeks? For me this would have felt reckless. Each and every one of the 38 scans I had with ds2 were deemed necessary due to his brother being born stillborn and weighing less than he should have done. I don't regret a single one. Re the consumerism aspect, not everything is a giant con to make money. What lissie said

kungfupanda
I know this thread wasn't about the risks of scanning, but gorionine expressed surprise and disbelief at the possibility there could be risks. I thought it was common knowledge; clearly not. I was then accused of scaremongering, when in fact, being wary and prudent about scanning is not something I've taken lightly. People on here were acting as though I'D just made it all up and I took offense to that. i was told to fuck off, because I said there is a correlation between scans and miscarriage.

Then, some people misunderstood and thought I was saying scans had to cause miscarriage, when that's not true, but a correlation is not to be sniffed at.

my original point was that scans tend to increase the bonding between women and their unborn babies (finding out the sex, for example) and I think this is unnatural

Saucepan
I am not being flippant about baby loss at all . I am bothered about scan overuse is precisely because I am not flippant about women's grief. I think doctors are flippant about women's grief when they zoom into the womb and get all excited about heartbeats and sex, before the baby is even born. THat is the kind of flippancy I can't stand.

. I have never once said that women should not have scans if there is a good reason . I have consistently said that scans have their place .
but they are very very overused.The very reason

I refused scans because I find eugenics abhorrent, which is another discussion entirely, so no it is not reckless to refuse scans in a healthy pregnancy where there is no pathology

Let them get on with it. YABU (sorry) to mind when it's not your child.

Ohhh, this is so annoying to me. But it is probably because I have a huge and very close knit family. Mostly everyone knows everything about everyone. Sooo, when we were preg. My dais was the only person who knew our choice of name. Its nice to be private about some stuff, and surprise people every once in awhile.

DSis that is...

Op. I understand your point a bit better now with more explanations.

Sakura, thank you for having answered my question, I had no idea about those risks. Sorry that you got a bit jumped on for answering me.

Sakura - the scans determine if there is a good reason to be worried and it isn't about eugenics, it's about potentially preventing a tragedy. Women who have suffered the tragedy understand it. I haven't read this thread - but the few comments of yours I have read have made me very, very cross. Try to put yourself in the place of a woman who has suffered late miscarriage or stillbirth and understand the reassurance that knowing the baby is still alive.

Naming a baby in the womb - don't know - didn't decide until we met them. I do know though that DS2's name couldn't possible have been used for a future DS. Odd thing was we had a DD and retrospectively her name is so similar to DS2's that sometime's people mishear and use DS2's name for her - not intended and perhaps subconscious - will never know.

Sakura - no-one objects to you having an opinion on the overuse of scans. It's not exactly a new discussion - it comes up time and time again.

What I personally object to is your tendency to present "possible link", "weal evidence" and "theory" as "you know", "there is a link" etc

None of these studies have come up with anything conclusive and it is completely inaccurate and misleading to present them as fact without that qualification. By all means, raise the issue, but you have to be fair and present the information properly. If you don't, then you must expect to be pulled up on it.

I don't agree with this not counting chickens malarky. Most parents name their stillborn babies don't they? I think he needs to be called something and if you have a name, then I see no reason to think up a temporary nickname.

It might grate to hear "your" name used, but you're going to have to get used to that after he arrives anyway.

a loss is a loss and a woman will define and deal with it on her own terms and in any way she wishes to if it is to be a healthy process. there's no wrong or right way.

i'm personally a big believer that bonding whilst pregnant is important and has an effect on post natal outcomes and that pregnancy is a time to come to terms with oneself, the changes coming up, the obstacles in one's own psychology, lifestyle, network etc and to really prepare not nurseries and a ton of equipment and pretty clothes but oneself for becoming a mother and moving on to a new phase of your life cycle.

as someone who has lost babies i don't think naming them or not or scans or not would have made much difference. losing a baby is difficult and you have to find your own way through it and try to forget what you should or shouldn't do/feel/think and let yourself be without judging.

didn't see you being attacked sakura, sorry you had that. i do wonder if the link between miscarriage and scans could be explained by the fact that risk pregnancies and threatened miscarriage results in more scans and more miscarriages independent of one another - ie not cause but simple reality, more risky pregnancies result in more miscarriages and nowadays they also mean more scans to keep an eye so of course the two would coincide. i don't know the studies so don't know if those factors have been controlled/factored in the stats.

' You say you refused scans till 35 weeks? For me this would have felt reckless.'
Me too. I had scans every 1-2 weeks all the way through (from 5 weeks) with DS3 due to bleeding/previous early and late miscarriages and also incompetent cervix so had many around the mid trimester. I also paid extra for 4d and gender scans. They were a real need, both for medical reasons and mental health reasons (which really only people who have suffered miscarriages/stillbirths or who are empathetic may understand)

Scans aren't just to allow people to terminate for severe defects in a baby but they also can save lives or alert medics to a condition which will require immeidiate treatment after delivery. Also just because a person has a termination for abnormailty does not make them practising eugenics! they are faced with choices that have no right way about them. Either way of this impossible choice is horrific. people do not abort lightly at 20 odd weeks!

I don´t think there´s anything wrong with choosing a name before birth, & obviously if you know the sex, that narrows it down

It´s the sharing with everyone else that I find odd.

I was also scanned regularly with 2nd due to placenta previa to access if CS needed or not.

I really don't like it when people call their bump by the name they have chosen. Not so much because it is "unlucky" (I am not superstitious) but because it shows a lack of respect for how life-threatening childbirth is. Like they are saying they already have their child and there is no difference between pregnancy and them actually being born. Ah, yes there is - a WHOLE LOTTA PAIN and real risk that someone will die. I feel like the name should come after that - as a rite of passage, to acknowledge the sacred moment. Or something like that. I am not very good at explaining!

chaya I know what you mean, but with ds2 I still referred to him by his chosen name. I was absolutely convinced that he would die too, as I was so terrified after losing ds1, and ds2 was born just 9 months later. I really wasn't all too rational at the time. I felt like I had had to create memories for ds1, as he had never lived outside me. By referring to ds2 by name and other things we did, I was in a way preparing myself for losing him, the things I had wished I had done with ds1. Writing that has made me feel sad, I shouldn't have had to feel or think like that, no one should

Sorry, have got completely off the point (as have a lot of us!)

sakura if you read my post again, I was saying that had I chosen to refuse scans till 35 wks, that would have been reckless for me. Because of my obstetric history, I do feel that it is a risk to go without ante natal care such as this. You seemed quite down on people getting scans and I was trying to illustrate the other side of the argument. I also disagree that doctors are flippant about scans/heartbeats etc. IME they are very good at being positive and encouraging whilst factual. The emotional side of being an obstetrician is tough and not to be underestimated. I do see the point you were trying to make, but unfortunately a lot of people felt riled by it.

OP I know of someone who had a private scan at 16 weeks to find out the sex so as to be able to name the baby and book a holiday place in unborn baby's name. This is maybe the kind of thing sakura was getting at, and I was a bit appalled. She very obviously hadn't given a thought to something happening, and she happened to go on to have a very stressful and complicated pregnancy, though baby was fine. She had also booked the christening before the baby arrived safely. There is obv a difference between using a name and making plans like this. If the worst happened, as someone said, you would still name your baby but not the other things. Once again ime many if not all people who haven't experienced a loss don't really consider the possibility. I certainly hadn't.

Sorry if I am a bit senstive about this subject, my ds1's 9th birthday is coming up this week.

i agree about losing a baby changing radically the way you view pregnancy. it's just not pregnant = baby anymore in the way it was before.

the odd thing as well that i noted was that you don't realise just how many people have had miscarriages till you have one yourself and people share with you.

i think our generation is a bit more open about it so maybe people will become less naive as time goes by but then many always think bad things are what happen to other people until it happens to them.

i didn't tell anyone (other than a couple of friends in secrecy) that i was pregnant until after my midway scan and that's the first time i even let myself buy maternity wear let alone baby stuff. definitely not advocating that as normal or the way to go though

happy birthday to ds1 saucepanman

My mother had an amnio when pregnant with me, which also revealed my sex and so I was named and my name used right from that moment (I suppose this must have been about 18 to 20 weeks). I don't think that is weird at all and I'm sure it helped prepare my older brothers too. If I had died, that still would have been my name. Not naming me would hardly have lessened the grief my family would have felt, and perhaps it would have made me more "real" to my brothers, who knows, thankfully it did not happen.

As for scans, I think you have to have had repeated MCs to understand how reassuring these can be. To chuck another completely unsupported anecdote into the mix, when pregnant with DS I was told by the sonographer that some research has shown frequent early scans lessened the risk of MC, perhaps by reducing maternal stress and anxiety. I didn't ask to see references so I can't support that in any way. I would agree with those who suggest that if there is a correlation between frequent scans/more frequent MC it is because those at a higher risk of MC are likely to be scanned more frequently.

Anyway I am off for a scan this morning at 9 weeks having suffered 2 MCs last year. Fingers crossed.

Like SantaSatan I will not be telling anyone about this PG for some time, assuming there is anything to tell after today. Last time I told anyone who would listen as soon as I peed on the stick. The 2 MCs I have had since then have cured me of such optimism.

everything crossed for you georgimama

Thank you Santa x

Santa I'm a 1st timer with no history of MC but I've kept it quiet in RL - at 24 weeks there are still close friends who don't know and I haven't seen them for them to notice!

Some people are naturally cautious and superstitious and naming a baby before it arrives will never sit easily with them. I feel awful buying baby stuff because I know nothing is guaranteed but I still don't want a lot of scans for what I feel are slightly spurious reasons. I don't know whether it's hanging about on MN that's made me this way or whether I'd be this cautious anyway. Either way I think scans are a very individual decision and a) shouldn't be used without a clear indication and b) shouldn't be practically forced on people/made a compulsory part of pregnancy.

Fingers crossed for you georgi.

i think they only do the dating scan and midway scan as standard. it's hard to get extra scans, it hasn't been my experience that they hand them out willy nilly (where does that expression come from?) even when you've had a miscarriage history.

gold - good to be cautious but at the same time relax and enjoy. you really are pregnant, you really are relatively safe now and there is very little chance anything will go wrong. is the baby moving much? i found once my son was in a regular movement and waking and sleeping pattern i relaxed so much, i would have known if something was wrong, he was very much alive and kicking and real then.

"I do think you're couting your chickens before they're hatched if you start calling oyour unborn baby by its name"

Wow. Just wow.

The woman is 23 weeks pregnant. What do you think happens when a baby dies post 23 weeks?

They get a little wrist/ankle tag for their name.

You get to fill in a PM consent form. With space for their name.

You go to the register office where your provide their name for a birth certificate. And then again for a death certificate.

You organise a burial/cremation filling in lots more forms with their name.

You sit through a service where they tend to mention their name

And finally you mark a grave. Usually with their name

Trust me that when you are doing any of these things not once do you think "gosh that name really was surplus to requirements, wish we hadn't counted our chickens there!"