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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this mother should have asked...?

111 replies

shoesies · 21/12/2010 15:28

I was on the bus yesterday with 13mo ds. There was another lady on there with a baby who looked around 8/9 months. The other baby was whinging quite a lot and the mother got a packet of cheesy wotsits out of her bag, opened them and started giving them to her baby.

The prams were right next to each other and ds (who will grab at anything) held his hands out when he saw the packet. The mum reached over and popped a cheesy wotsit right in his mouth! She then put another one in his hand and gave me a big smile.

I don't care if she wants to feed that shit to her own child but if you're a total stranger and you want to give someones baby something to eat shouldn't you ASK??!! (To be honest he gobbled it down in a flash and looked at me as if to say why don't I get that more often but that's beside the point...Blush) Am I being an uptight middle class wotsit denier?

OP posts:
petratsdontsmell · 21/12/2010 19:27

YANBU.

But I'm always amazed what other people think they can do without asking!
I had dd3 on my lap once at a bus stop and a COMPLETE STRANGER pointed out that baby had a milky-crusty mouth and before I even knew it, they spat on their own hankie and wiped my baby's mouth clean!!!!!!!!!!!

15 years later I still sometimes spot this starnger around town and think 'I can't believe you did that'.

OldAndUngraceful · 21/12/2010 19:27

I think some of you are missing the point here. The nature of the food that was given is irrelevant. The issue here is that you do not feed a child you don't know, period. No one is questioning whether this woman was being kind or not, that's not even the point. The point is you just don't do that. You ask the mother first. End of.

DreamingofFour · 21/12/2010 19:28

She should have checked first, my DS1 choked on everything at that age

Tw1nkle · 21/12/2010 19:28

YANBU!

I'd be mortified if this happened to me - and wouldn't dream of doing it myself!

I would have asked her why she thought it was acceptable!

Pantofino · 21/12/2010 19:30

Hmmm. My friend's dd has a severe egg allergy. They come visit a lot. I have to be very careful about what I offer ALL the children when they are here. There is none of this " you've been so good you can all have ice cream" going on.

I would ALWAYS ask the other parent if it was OK before offering food. Don't get the middle class judgey pants thing in the OP though.

CrazyChristmasLady · 21/12/2010 19:30

YANBU.

Regardless of what it was, she shouldn't have fed your child without asking you first. If your child had had allergies, there was no time for you to say anything in the time it took for her to just pop the wotsit in your childs mouth.

Ok, she was trying to be nice, but she should have asked.

I could see that you were being tongue in cheek as well and didn't think you came across as snobby. I didn't give DS any chocolate before he was a year, no matter how much my nan tried to badger me into it.

BalloonSlayer · 21/12/2010 19:33

"2 Wotsits are not going to kill him."

Might have killed my milk-allergic DS1 at 13 months.

I'd go ape-shit if someone gave my DCs - when too young to talk - food without asking me.

But if I did not have a highly-allergic child, like a lot of posters on this thread and the lady on the bus, who was only trying to be kind, it would never have occurred to me.

spongecakelover · 21/12/2010 19:40

She should have asked. Of course she should have asked. But it is only a Wotsit.

I'm with Doig on this. I think I was too healthily fed as a child and now lack all sense of 'cut off' with treats. Both my kids eat healthily, and a little trash. I hope they have more self control and knowledge than I do when they grow up!

greenbananas · 21/12/2010 19:45

JamieLeeCurtis - I'm glad you realise it's a bad idea to give kids peanuts without asking, but some kids are allergic to celery for goodness sake! It's always best to ask!

onceamai - my DS reacts on skin contact (like some kids do with peanuts!!) so it would have been too late to 'whip it away' by the time it had touched his face. Tbh, I would probably have had to say something (tactfully, obviously) as soon as I saw the wotsit packet, so admittedly this probably wouldn't have happened.

I know that lots of you think I am being precious, but if you all remember that it's important to think about kids who might have life-threatening allergies then I don't mind looking a bit of a fool.

strawberrycake · 21/12/2010 19:47

Someone's probably said it but I'd go mental, my ds is very allergic. I'd roast her for making him ill.

ungrateful in the eyes of some but she'd cause him a lot of pain.

JamieLeeCurtis · 21/12/2010 19:48

Sorry all those with children with allergies. I do understand, and stand corrected

greenbananas · 21/12/2010 19:49

Thanks Jamie Smile - bless you for saying so!

southeastastra · 21/12/2010 19:49

i feel sorry for all these wotsit deprived children, i bet op stuffed her face with such 'shit' as a child herself

sungirltan · 21/12/2010 19:51

i am probably bvu but its the fact that it was wotsits that would have made me cross. i bloody hate them, they stink and you can tell when kids have eaten them because they have big globs of them stuck in their teeth. gross. that said i would have probably just smiled and said thank you. as other posters have said, she was just being kind.

libelulle · 21/12/2010 19:58

another one with a dairy allergic DD - I'd've been beyond livid. You just don't feed a stranger's child without asking first.

altinkum · 21/12/2010 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

libelulle · 21/12/2010 20:03

and to those saying 'if you'd had an allergic child you'd've been keeping a closer eye' - do I really have to be in a state of constant hyper-awareness, every second, in public places in case someone randomly shoves what is effectively a piece of cheese in her mouth without asking me?! Now THAT is unreasonable!

undercovasanta · 21/12/2010 20:06

Can't understand why you couldn't pre-empt the situation OP. My DD is always sidling up to other parents who have chocolate, crisps - even rice cakes! - virtually with her mouth open!

It doesn't bother me whether they give her anything from a diet point of view, but I do feel a bit embarrassed that other parent may feel I am taking the mickey IYSWIM.

So I always pre-empt the situation with a 'come on now, lets leave the lady alone, and I'll see if I've got something in my bag for you that's yummy.' Therefore other parent doesn't feel obliged, and everyone is happy.

Lotster · 21/12/2010 20:09

Maybe it's the first time this has ever happened and OP wasn't expecting it?

ChippingIn · 21/12/2010 20:11

There's no way I would give a strangers baby food without asking the parent first - I think it's precious not to allow them a couple of Quavers or whatever, but a) that's not my choice and more importantly b) ALLERGIES. There are so many allergies these days that people should know to ask first - use a little common sense.

But I do agree, her head might not have been in the right place, but her heart was :)

I do also agree that if you child was allergic you probably would have been ready to pounce if one went in his direction.

sungirltan · 21/12/2010 20:11

ok ok so the other mum was wrong. but it was hardly an act of cold blooded malice!

moulesvinrouge · 21/12/2010 20:19

For what its worth - wotsits are actually quite bad in terms of allergies - especially asthma - a friend of mine has exactly that. In which case if your child started having an attack, you'd be quite justified in laying the other mum out (after you called the ambulance obviously).

Sidge · 21/12/2010 20:26

YANBU to think the woman should have asked you first if it was OK.

YABU if you would have preferred her to offer him a rice cake - now they ARE shit; totally devoid of any nutrition and so bloody awful tasting you might as well feed them the box they came in Xmas Wink

Original poster
shoesies · 21/12/2010 20:56

I was actually very nice to her - when she offered him more than the two he already had I said, very politely, thank you very much but I've got some snacks for him in my bag. I didn't say anything about it being inappropriate as I could see that it was a nice gesture and, like many have pointed out, my son isn't allergic so there was no harm done.

However, it's my choice and my choice alone whether or not my son eats wotsits or rice cakes or chocolate biscuits or any other kind of snack and I certainly wouldn't expect a total stranger to put something in his mouth Confused. I couldn't pre-empt it as I had no idea that would happen! Had she not given him one and he carried on holding his hands out I would have distracted him and given him something that I had in my bag. Or explained that they weren't his etc etc.

Fwiw, we were on our way to dh's work, when we got there one of his colleagues asked me if ds could have a chocolate biscuit and I said thank you, of course he can, he'll love it.
It's the fact that I wasn't asked, not what it was that was the issue for me - I put a slightly tongue in cheek slant on it as I knew people would think I was being a snob about wotsits.... Maybe I am but I think they're disgusting.

Ds certainly doesn't get 'deprived' of treats - I just think I have the right to decide when and where.

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 21/12/2010 21:20

My first memory is of being fed wotsits. I can offer the following insights -

I am and have always been middle class.
I was not on a bus.
I am a second child.
I was never allowed sweets as a child and now can't get enough of them.
I turned out alright (though I would say that wouldn't I).