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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that SIL could at least bother to see her nephew more than once a year?

40 replies

CrazyChristmasLady · 21/12/2010 10:26

Ok, I probably am. I don't even know why i care or am surprised.

Last year, DS got his birthday card and a voucher 3 months after his birthday, when she passed it to MIL to give to us, even though we live closer to her than MIL does, but she couldn't be bothered to come and put it through our door and said she wouldn't put a voucher in the post. She was invited to DS's party but didn't bother to let us know. MIL told us she had had a text to say SIL was busy (her excuse for everything, she doesn't have children or much of a social life so no idea how she is busy all the time).

Only time SIL sees DS is at xmas at mutual family and even then she takes no notice of him. I don't think she even said hello to him last year.

DH went to MILs last night to pick up DS's present. SILs xmas card was in the bag, as was DS's birthday card (birthday at end of January). I know I should be grateful that she has at least got a card and voucher for him, but this means that yet again she isn't actually going to bother to see him. We are going to ILs 2 days after xmas so why she couldn't give it to us then, I don't know.

Only time she gets in touch is a couple times a year when she is going on holiday and wants DH to feed her cats if MIL is away as well. Of course DH does it.

I know I shouldn't care, but it bugs me. Hoping that my brother is going to marry his GF, she will make a great SIL!

OP posts:
JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 21/12/2010 10:33

Not wishing to fuel the fire but if she doesn't have children of her own, she may not be all that interested. Not in a nasty way but some people (me included before I had my DD) are just not that enthusiastic about children.

I realise this will hurt given that this is your child but I honestly doubt it's meant with malice.

I've got several good/close childless friends (or I did have) that I've hardly seen since I had my DD. I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised.

Folicacid · 21/12/2010 10:39

I think you are being a little U.

It's her life, and up to her how she chooses to spend her time. Kids are not for everyone. She has probably not noticed how little she sees her nephew.

It doesn't sound as though her and her borhter are close, so why would she be close to his son?

scarletbegonia · 21/12/2010 10:43

A bit U, I'm sure its disappointing for you but I think you have to accept that your son isn't an important feature in her life and tbh she's entitled to feel like that.

It wouldn't bother me, how involved are you in her life ?

magichomes · 21/12/2010 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Folicacid · 21/12/2010 10:45

Also, and this is a total guess, but perhaps she feels self conscious chatting and interactign with him at a big family doo with everyone watching? I find with the children I don't see that often I feel more nervous with as they don't know me.

You have kind of reveled what I have worried about in the past- I don't have the time to see all my friends' children, so only see some of them very often and others twice a year, and I worry that the friends of those children are talkign about me behind my back.(very FT plus more job, care for granparents)

Kewcumber · 21/12/2010 10:47

My sister (whom I have always been close to) lives a 5 min walk away and sees DS maybe 4 times a year, doesn't buy him anything for birthday/Xmas (i buy it and she gives me a very generous allowance). She has 3 grown up children whom I saw much more of when they were little so it does bug me a bit.

But she really isn't that interested in him (other than in a general, you should see your family occasionally sort of way) and I can't make her - I am quite philiosophical about it.

scarletbegonia · 21/12/2010 10:51

magichomes and folicacid - sadly you may be the subject of self centred mutterings.

I have plenty of children and certainly don't expect my friends and family to be interested in their comings and goings. It surprises me how often I read thread on MN about people being annoyed with others for not having the expected level of interest so I think I may be in a minority.

Kewcumber · 21/12/2010 10:55

I am always amazed that my single 40 something freinds wants to see DS! Certainly wouldn;t think any less of her if she didn;t.

Trifle · 21/12/2010 11:00

There is nothing remotely interesting about a small child, particularly someone elses.

Childrens birthday parties are hideous, doubly so if you have no children of your own.

I think it's commendable that your SIL actually gets your ds something.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/12/2010 11:02

I'm not particularly interested in children generally (and I have 3 of my own). I am, however, very interested in my family, regardless of their age. Some are more interesting that others Wink, but basic manners dictate a certain level of interest should be shown. I suspect that this is what the OP is getting at.

As long as she doesn't expect you to show the same level of interest in her in return, or have her at your family Christmases in future when she's the old, crabby aunt no-one wants, then all will be well Grin

LunaticFringe · 21/12/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnightlong · 21/12/2010 11:03

YABU your DC is the centre of your world but only yours on the whole other people don't give a fuck. Get over it.

magichomes · 21/12/2010 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VallhalaLalalalalalalalaaaaaa · 21/12/2010 11:08

YABU. Basically, what Trifle says, or, on a bad day, what allnightlong says. I have children but I'm not remotely interested in other people's. I can't say I'd be any different to your SIL.

hairyfairylights · 21/12/2010 11:09

YABU.

Deliaskis · 21/12/2010 11:12

I think YABU, the only people with an obligation your DC are you and the father. I can see that you might be a bit disappointed, but really, chances are your DS just isn't an important feature in her life. TBH, when my BIL and SIL have kids, I can't necessarily see me being all that different, we don't socialise with BIL and SIL much so it stands to reason that we wouldn't see their DC very often either.

D

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 21/12/2010 11:14

yabu
sartre was so nearly right
hell is, in fact, other people's children

orangepoo · 21/12/2010 11:31

I think people saying that your DC are the centre of your world and not anyone elses have got the wrong end of the stick.

It is not a question of prizing the nephew - it is a question of family and manners. My DB and SIL have no kids - I send them a wedding anniversary card - WTF is the point of sending it 3 months late?? Nothing to do with kids - just to do with bizarre and pointless behaviour. If I was going to send my dad a birthday present - I wouldn't send it 3 months late. OK fine for the OP's SIL not to consider her nephew the centre of the universe - but she just needs to be a bit more polite IMO. Unacceptable to send bday pres 3 months late, unless good resaon such as illness.

FabbyChic · 21/12/2010 11:34

Some families are not close, and you are clearly not close to your sister.

How we would like things to be are not always the way they are.

My sister has not seen her nephews for six years, and my children have not seen their nan for 8 years.

I think you worry too much, at least she has bought him something she could have not bothered.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/12/2010 11:35

Agree orangepoo. Feigning Showing interest in other family members is what you do when you are a grown up with manners.

Morloth · 21/12/2010 11:38

YABU, she just doesn't sound that interested - there is nothing wrong about that.

Morloth · 21/12/2010 11:43

Before I had my DS1 I was the generous but distant aunt, I love my nieces as much then as I do now, but it was all a bit messy the kid thing. Now of course they are young women and far more interesting.

BlueFergie · 21/12/2010 11:45

orangepoo I agree but the showing interest in family members cuts both ways surely? It doesn't seem like OP is that interested/ involved in her SILs life. She complains that SIL couldn't be bothered to call to see them bit does she call to see her? If they were always like this it is a bit much to suddenly start expectign interest because there is a child on the scene.
And as for getting presents late I don't agree that it is pointless. I am a firm believer in 'its the thought that counts'. So what if its a bit late, kid will get just as much enjoyment from it and they get so much at their birthdays anyway its nice to have something at another time of year.
SIL just isn't that bothered about kids. I was a bit like that before I had mine. there is no reason she should be into him. At elast she gets him something.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 21/12/2010 11:48

The OP hasn't said that she expects the DS to play with or visit him on a regular basis - just remember to send him a birthday card and present on time, and phone or visit occasionally (and not just when she wants her cat looked after). That's not too much to expect from your sister - they look after the cat far more than she does her nephew.

BelleBelicious · 21/12/2010 11:50

Not unreasonable to be disappointed - but maybe a bit U not to have accepted it. It sounds like your DH's family is not very close.

Were cousins/Aunts/Uncles important to you growing up?

I had one fabulous maiden aunt who would always spoil all her nieces and nephews with totally unrealistic presents. She would sweep in and out of our lives (lived abroad) and I loved her - she was very glamorous. And another maiden aunt who was just very kind and listened to us a lot - also lovely. And an Uncle that did magic tricks and got very drunk at Christmas. I'd be sad if my kids didn't have any relatives that they were close to apart from me and DH.

I don't find other people's children endlessly fascinating, but I do make a priority for family - nieces and nephews. But then I'm not English!