To think this is just about the worst thing a parent could say?

[follyfoot]

Have struggled for years to let go of something my Mum said to me once. After another particularly critical comment about me as a youngster I said 'you never say anything positive about me as a child.

Her: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

Aww Folly that's really sad

I'm very mindful of the things my mother said to me as child, when I talk to my daughter, I will never ever put her down like my mother did/does to me?

Hope your OK and you have a fantastic time in NY!!

MUS that is awful!

I was at a childrens party earlier this year and a mum there had a three year old boy there who was, I suppose, a bit testing. In the end she stormed out, dragging him out of the party whilst crying and shouting at him "you're a horrible little boy and I hate you!!!!!!"

I was so ... my ds2 is three and a real handful too but he is only three and regardless of his age or what he ever did I would never ever say that to any of my 3 children. Poor little boy

I used to know someone who had three girls and had the middle one marked down as a 'problem' child. She used to tell anyone who'd listen how the girl was stupid, spiteful, manipulative, deliberately wound her up etc.

She was a quiet, sweet little thing who seemed to deliberately blank her mother out and went around in a dreamy state, obviously self-protection; how else could a five year old get through an existence like this?

She actually once told me that she'd said to her, 'I hate you, x.., after she'd been especially 'trying'.

We moved away from the area, but I often wonder how things turned out for that girl; I know there was another mum who was the family's gp who seemed wise to her, so hopefully something was said or done.

Don't you think many mothers are vile to their daughters because they're jealous of them? I'm sure that's at the root of it. We have so many more opportunities than they had, and even if they want us to do well, part of them can't bear to see the success that they could have had if only they were born in a different era.

Doesn't excuse bad mother behaviour in any way though. But you can still always rise above it and continue on the track you believe in without constantly trying to please them, knowing that you are the more mature and better person for it.

This thread is very sad and very uplifting at the same time.

My mother said to me when I was about 10 or 11, after I had a beating from my father 'it's a good job you weren't born a boy or he would have killed you by now'. She said it as though she was commenting on the weather to an aquaintance. And that I should be truly grateful.

Despite having no clue at all about being a mother, I am proud of myself that I have two fab kids to whom I have never said anything remotely like that.

My mother is very jealous of my close relationship with my children and has tried several times to scupper this. She seems to think that it happened by chance that my kids are nice people who love me. What is hilarious is that she used to interfere in my parenting when they were little. She often told me that I was spoiling them. as if you can actually spoil them by loving them and treating them with respect.

The mind-fuck that these insane parents carry out on their children is disgraceful. More power to all your elbows that you have risen above it and stopped the shit from ruining another generation's mental health.

'I've never liked you anyway' said to my 12 year old self as my father walked out. I asked him about it years later and he didn't remember saying it. So glad I agonised over it for about ten years and beat myself up for being such a crap daughter my own father didn't like me.

I do get a LOT of pleasure out of mothering despite having started out with no idea how to do it.

Snuggling and showing love was unknown.

As for the jealousy thing...hmm difficult one. My mum was vile about me being blonde. Insulted it all the time... called me 'piggy eyed' told me i had a huge forehead 'like queen victoria' She'd let my eczema get so bad it bled and wept and do nothing about it. Despite these insults and condemnations I still think she was jealous. Even of my dp.

Luckily she buggered off when i was early teens but I still felt her jealousy despite permanent put-downs

I have removed her from my family and now I am a much better person.

My mum was full of litle gems like that. I still remember them now.

She was randomly cruel for no particular reason even when we hadn't been arguing at all. She laughed at me, teased me like a child would, impersonated me and laughed at the way i said particular words and when my brother told tales on me to ridicule things i did, she fell about laughing with him. Fucking bitch.

She's always wanted me to be someone other than I am. Rather than accpeting the way I am, what I like, etc she will say why can't you be like this or like that.

Everything I liked at school and even up to university she looked down her nose at. She was of the view that I had no autonomy and the only reason I liked particular music, tv, films was because everyone else liked it and I was just copying them.

Even to date at the age of 30 she wont accpet my music taste, TV taste or that I use an iPod for the commute. Everything i like is rubbish, everything she likes is superb. I fucking sick of it. So I've started telling her she's a doddering old cow who has the literary and tv watching interests of a 90 year old.

My DM never, ever praised me for anything I did and I never felt she really loved me. I spent my childhood and teenage years desperately trying to earn her approval. My sil, on the otherhand has a mother who constantly praises her in public, tells her what a wonderful daughter she is, how kind, generous, what a great hostess she is etc. I feel so envious because my mother never acknowledged my own qualities (I don't think she ever thought I had any.
However I have taken on board the way my sil's mother treats her daughter and now do the same with my own dd, with the result that I think she has far higher self esteem than I have ever had.

I don't think I ever did well enough in the stuff my mum worried about - ie what the neighbours might (but probably never did) say. She introduced me as the violinist 30 years after I last got the thing out of its case! She tried to live her life through me, but with her hangups.

Hopefully I am less stressy with my 4.

Had I not tried to disappoint, I think I'd have achieved more earlier as my own person.

OP, I've moved on. Hope you can tooxx

I'm so sorry, what a shit thing to say.

When I was 10 I was late for the school bus and my mother was mad and said "I hate you and I wish I'd never had you". It hurt then, but we talked about it when I was older (20's) she said she didn't remember saying it and now that I have kids I realise she didn't mean it she was stressed out with all the shit she had to deal with concerning my dad (he was pretty much a bastard in those days).

What a thread. I never had a brilliant relationship with my mum and always knew I wasn't wanted in the first place. Neither was I the daughter she would have wanted if she'd had a choice, ie, blonde, bubbly, pretty party girl rather than a plain, mouse brown, quiet thing. I have never ever managed to please her whatever I have done - and I've never done anything wrong.

It could have been better and I simply adore my own DC.

But having read this thread I shall never complain again. I was never hit either by her or her husbands, I was never cold, I never went without anything that money could buy - wasn't allowed pink though - that was for pretty girls, I went to the best schools possible (not uni though - she wasn't a great supporter of education - thought it a bit feminist), I was never hungry and actually if the chips were down and I could swallow my pride she would take me in and protect me and the dc.

onceamai i agree with you, despite the whole being called 'stupid' all in all i have a good relationship with my DM, she does pick at everything i do, and comment on everything to do with DS (apparantly i feed him the 'wrong' raisins FFS..!). She winds me up but i am never going to complain again (well maybe not today!).

To all of the strong women and men on this thread, what i have taken from this is that you all strive to be a better parent and for that i salute you

My Mum is very hard work she never thinks of anyone but herself.h
I am the eldest and she was pretty rough on me, if the dog messed in the house she would make me clean it up and I did a lot of housework.
I would also be expected during the 6 week holidays to look after my 3 younger siblings (including a toddler and 1 year old) when she was in bed because she did nightshifts. I can oftn remember the weather was so warm and we would have to sit indoors while she slept and then she would come bursting through the door in a rage and hit me because they lo's were upset.
I also remember me and my dsis trying to clean the kitchen floor as a surprise for when she woke up and she battered us because the floor was like a swimming pool.
She said awful stuff to me and didn't buy me sanitary towels very often so I would use tissue and spend the das of my period terrified I would leak at school.
I once woke up bleeding badly and in terrible pain I got up and was crying and passed out my Mum and Dad shouted at me to shut up and get back in bed.

My Dad I idolised him but he was nasty sswell he would go on and on about how perfect my youngest dsis was and once beat me up in a very calm & controlled way he was stopping and starting hitting me for over an hour in front of my siblings and then made me stand up in the room for an hour until I told the truth. I hadn't even done anything bad I had but my little sister in a toy pram and pushed her around the living room. But when my dsis told on me I denied it and he saw red :(.
He also called me the local bike too.

I get on ok with my Mum now and see my Dad when he is back from working away but I always remember and swear my dc will be so loved.
My dc are so happy and will say "Love you" many times a day and hug me loads.
They have a happy Mum and my parents did me a massive favour by showing me how not to parent.
I do sometimes wish I could go back and give the little me huge hug and tell her it will be ok.

Sorry for typos this keyboard is on its way out.

Follyfoot, I said the same to my Dad.

he thought about it first, and after a long silence, he then said "Nothing".
It was the way he thought about it which really, really hurt.

Maybe our parents are related!

There are loads of other things my parents have said and done to me. Even though I don't see them now, the scars are there, and i fear they always will be.