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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is just about the worst thing a parent could say?

141 replies

follyfoot · 20/12/2010 21:12

Have struggled for years to let go of something my Mum said to me once. After another particularly critical comment about me as a youngster I said 'you never say anything positive about me as a child.

Her: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

Sad
OP posts:
igetmorelovefromthecat · 20/12/2010 23:57

My mum tells me that I was "a fucking ugly baby"! That wasn't very nice.

Though she did add that I have made up for it since. Cheers.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:00

My mum - 'the day you were born was the worst of my entire life, I just wish I was dead'

My gran - 'you are an ugly slag heap of shit'

Funnily enough I am determined that I only say good things (other than nagging obv) to my daughter.

AS much as you try andb reak away from what gets said, it is so hard to forget and to feel that you are anything other than worthless when the people who are supposed to love you the most say such pernicious things.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:04

Sorry that sounds so much like comptetitive worst name calling.

Strangely enough being called a slag heap of shit I find rather amusing now, what a strangely precise thing to call a child. Plus I had no idea what slag heaps actually were, I never thought they actually existed until I went to cornwall and saw some hills, I asked my then DP what they were and he said 'slag heaps' and I started cackling madly.

TwoIfBySea · 21/12/2010 00:04

What is it about some mothers that they feel it necessary to continually put their daughter's down?

StuffingGoldBrass · 21/12/2010 00:10

Oh this is so sad. I have always promised myself that I will never ever say anything like that to my DS - I am quite a shouty mother sometimes but I always make sure that DS knows he is loved and tell him so at least once a day. It's awful that some people think it's OK to tell a child that s/he is unwanted or horrible in such a way.

ChippingIn · 21/12/2010 00:11

Bloody hell - if it wasn't you lot telling me this I wouldn't believe it?? Truely horrible. I hope you all realise that none of those comments can ever be justified - never, just shit parenting.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:12

Oh I am a shouty mother in a 'oh for crying out loud can you lot shut the doors behind you' type of way.

But I make sure dd knows I love her, and she knows that she is the most impirtant thing in my life by a long shot.

WingDad · 21/12/2010 00:13

I was told something very similar when I was a little boy. Cuts right through you doesn't it.

Still makes me upset thinking about it now.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:14

I don't think the worthless feeling ever bloody leaves you.

The only thing you can do is keep going forwards and not look back too often.

I am very lucky though in DD and DP.

But my family - apart from my brothr the rest of them can go hang.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 21/12/2010 00:18

Twoifbysea - it's jealousy I think, I had the life my mother aspired to, I did it all by myself with no help from her...which makes it all the more difficult for her...

Some of "mumsy's" choice comments in my childhood:

The problem with having rat's tail hair is it's too thin to cover you oversized ears..

If you were as thin and pretty as ...(my best friend in school) then we would buy you lots of lovely clothes..otherwise it's just a waste

Can't you keep anything nice.. you big fat slug (I was a size 10 15 year old)

Who the bloody hell do you think you are? (When I said I'd like to be a supermarket buyer - after University)

What happened to the other 5%? (When I got 95% in my first secondary school exam)

You'll never be as good as your brother in anything

I never wanted you...you ruined my life

Why are you coming home from University - it's selfish of you to ruin my Christmas plans, I am going away regardless.

I'm 40 today and still have trouble finding peace with myself...I realise that I miss having a mum, but not my mum...

Funnily enough the most cutting comment was in a family party last year...she said to my Aunty "who's child is that?" My aunty replied "your grandson..."

I had always thought that perhaps she had sneaked info and photos from my aunts who adore my DS, turns out she didn't give a f*ck in knowing anything about him. I wanted to sweep my little angel up and run out of the party..I felt like she had completely stabbed me in the heart.

So sorry it's affecting other people too, hope you all find some peace....

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:22

I am so sorry for everyone on this thread.

Some monstrous things said.

Unwind · 21/12/2010 00:23

I empathise with the missing having a mum, but not my mum. My mother said nasty things to me often, always undermining and criticising, warning my siblings that if they were not careful they might turn out like me (when I was a child, and a docile one at that Hmm).

Silly things, like wishing someone had shown me how to wear makeup, helped me buy clothes, been there with advice through my teenage angst. I sometimes feel like I am grieving for something I never had.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 21/12/2010 00:25

I remember my mum telling me to 'get that look off your face' when my face was crumpling up to cry - after being given some harsh 'truths' or being refused a new coat when I was being mocked at school for the one I'd been wearing for two years and which was two inches too short in the arms.

My dad often used to say my teeth were 'like a sack of rusty nails,' or 'like tomstones,' - such a funny guy.

I endured being thought of as miserable because I hardly ever smiled.

izzywizzywoowooo · 21/12/2010 00:28

YADNBU - What a harsh thing to say and all the other things that "parents" have said!! Shock

TwoIfBySea · 21/12/2010 00:33

Bin that is f**king awful! God I could cry reading that.

I used to think my mum was harsh, she was very emotionally cold and critical but obviously an amateur compared to these horrors. Plus I always had my dad there for me.

FrustratedHippy · 21/12/2010 00:35

unwind - i am with you on not knowing things, I have no idea about makeup (even in my 40s)

i enjoy mothering all the more for not having 'been' mothered

FrustratedHippy · 21/12/2010 00:38

bin Sad

have strength in your mothering - you do it in spite of her.

feel glad she does not have your wonderful boy in her world. He can warm your world with his love x

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/12/2010 00:38

It's funny the things you do to be opposite. I react to many things because I associate them with my gran (who raised me).

I wear make up every day - she thought it was something 'tarts' wore

I wear high heels - she always thought I looked like lurch if I wore anything other than flats

She liked gardening - I do not and never will own a plant or hanging basket

She liked gambling - I would never ever gamble, won't even buy a tombola ticket

WingDad · 21/12/2010 00:39

I'm with you FrustratedHippy, I think I've taken something positive from my young childhood so that I can bring up my boys properly, I take pride in it. If that makes sense.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 21/12/2010 00:44

Do you know, I've just realised I learned how to do make up by practising on my mum.
I think it was the unspoken rule that she had to be the pretty one and that probably partly explains why she out and out refused to accept that we were dressed like tramps through our teens and needed clothes more than once a year.
Ostensibly it was because there was no money (spent by my dad in the pub, allegedly), but she was always the height of fashion and the ironing bag was bursting under the strain.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 21/12/2010 00:49

I am a completely different parent yes..I don't carry it onto my DS...sometimes I cry a little too easily at soppy things but he thinks it's because I'm a girl Blush and i just tell him they are happy tears for example taking him to meet Santa and feeling so sad about the memories I have of experiences like that.

I have my brother and niece and nephew and I am the over indulgent auntie to both of them, as is my DB and DSIL to my DS, totally over compensating...but hey what the hell!

Still when it's late like tonight...I can't help but sit here and wonder if she's even remembered it's my birthday today...and how I feel about being 40..celebrating my achievements etc would be nice..I have struggled so much on my own, as have so many on here I know...but it's hard not to want that parental pat on the back though isn't it.

My nans were always totally proud of me though, and my mum's mum actually disowned her for being such a nightmare to us. So I know deep down it's not me....

cloudydays · 21/12/2010 01:13

I hope you had a happy birthday Bin - God knows you deserve it. You sound lovely. x

thecaptaincrocfamily · 21/12/2010 01:16

Thats just awful Sad Really am so heart sorry for her horrible comment and yes I think it is the most awful thing she could have said to a child Angry

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 21/12/2010 01:20

so soryy for you follyfoot and otehrs who have been told nasty horrible things by those who are supposed to love and support us.

PenguinArmy · 21/12/2010 01:27

HAPPY B'DAY BINFUL !!