To think this is just about the worst thing a parent could say?

[follyfoot]

Have struggled for years to let go of something my Mum said to me once. After another particularly critical comment about me as a youngster I said 'you never say anything positive about me as a child.

Her: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

So many vile, emotionally abusive parents.
So many survivors doing a fantastic job to ensure their children know they are loved and wanted.
I've always struggled to understand why a parent would want to destroy a child's sense of security and deny them love at a basic level.

Yes think you are right, not to late to change that now I hope.

I think I go too far the other way too, my dc can barely walk across the room without me gushing how clever and amazing they are . There is that line in Friends where Monica says to her baby boy "I am going to love you so much that no other woman will ever be good enough for you" or something like that, so funny but maybe me .

How old are your DC?
It's when you start being unkind and dismissive about other children you have to worry that you've lost your sense of perspective.

I think that MN is especially helpful for those who can't turn to their own mothers for advice.

Getorf - I suppose at 15 your DD is old enough to understand. Difficult one though, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to do it.

4 and 7. No I love other kids too, so I think I am ok .

Mine are late teens now, still come for cuddles especially if life is a bit shit and they need someone who loves them unconditionally.
I'm very demonstrative, my parents weren't.

Some of these comments are so sad :( I can empathise, my mother truly believes I am a disappointment, and makes it very clear on the thankfully rare occasions when I see her. I maintain a relationship with her for DS's sake (only grandparent left) but I never, ever leave them alone together as I won't risk her making the sort of comments to him that she did to me.

She has always mocked everything about me, and continues to do so. As a child it was very hard to deal with, but I decided about 10 years ago that she would never change, so I had to change the way I allowed her to make me feel. When she starts, I remind myself that it's rooted in jealousy - I have a very loving husband and a DS who is perfect in every way (other than when he's being a hormonal nightmare obv.), and I am entirely happy with my life, utterly content. I'm not smug - I've had my fair share of crappy times - so I appreciate every single day.

I know I'm worth loving, and liking, and respecting. What she thinks no longer matters, she's just a bitter woman who is part of my life through my own choice, and her words are of no consequence to me.

Not easy to get myself in that mindset, but I've managed it and am much, much happier for it.

Gaah, that did sound really smug - honestly didn't mean it like that . All I meant was that for me, accepting that she was talking bollocks and learning not to care worked.

thumb you're doing the right thing. my DH had mum like you and he's the loveliest, warmest man and the still have a wonderful relationship. you can't be too loving and positive

it didn't sound smug, TYFWYFI, it sounded like survival

Take - not smug at all, you sound very wise.

It is very hard, but I have just got to bloody well realise that there is no point in looking back. They are not going to change. I have got a mother but there is no point is having her in my life, it is not worth it.

I have got to push that through my mind somehow - I have got to accept that. because otherwise i will find myself turning into someone bitter and full of anger.

It is hard though.

Unwind - I don't bloody know if I am right or wrong. I don't want my dd to lose a relationship with her grandmother, but as dd gets older she knows more of what has gone on. I don't want to be the person to say 'you can't see nanny anymore' as i don't want to be the bad person.

Thanks Bongo! Hope DS will continue to be like that too. :)

Getorf - I had a moan earlier and feel utterly and completely humbled. I had a flick through this thread at lunchtime at work and have been thinking about you ever since.

We have had the odd the spat on here but at present I can't get my jaws to close when I think of you.

All power to you for coming through this and being such a lovely mummy and so often talking so much sense - even if philosophically I don't agree with you .

You must be Wonder Woman to have come through this.

It's lovely to think of a lovely mum, but I'm not sure dd needs this sort of grandma. .

thanks AF/Getorf, was a bit worried it hadn't come across right.

Getorf - I don't think DS will want a relationship with his grandmother as he gets older (he's coming up to 12 now).

Over the last few years the scales have fallen from his eyes, and he is aware of how badly she behaves towards me - he asked her very politely one mealtime about 2 years ago why she says mean things to me. She said she was only joking, and I'd always been oversensitive. He then very disingenuously asked her why she carried on making jokes that only she thought funny. It was a classic moment, and while part of me thought I should tell him off for being cheeky, the rest of me thought what a hero he was :o

He'll make the decision for himself eventually, but it has to come from him I think. I imagine your DD will go the same way eventually, or will maintain a relationship on her terms, not your mother's. FWIW, I think letting her work it out for herself is the right way to go.

This is quite timely.

I have had words with my FIL today after he called my daughter stupid. Again. He said he will try not to in future.

Fuck her.

You are you .....and a better person for having been treated badly you know how fragile feelings can be.

In her malicious way she has given you a great gift - empathy.

You wont be alone when your old.

My birth mother and my husband had an affair which still continues. He is going to hers for Christmas. (we are separated, he walked out when my father died, that very week) I really loath them for behaving that way, for laughing up their sleeves at me, for using me and my loyality and love. I was such an utter fool. She told me that I had to be grateful to me as she could have aborted me. Classy or what?! But it is actually good to moan to strangers. It isn't really the sort of topic I ever felt brave enough to admit to the school run mums.

opps grateful to her - that "I owed her".

My mother expected gratitude from me when she told me she didn't have the abortion she planned for me.

Oh how dreadful IAm - snap.

I'd ask her what that said about her as a mother?

fucking hell, MUS

Well Twink - in terms of her mothering skills, she gave me away at 5 days old, her boyfriend wanted to marry her but she wanted to adopt me. The boyfriend went on to have two boys and she never had anymore children. She never told her parents about me until the birth of my first child. We met after that. When birthgrandmum died, I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral, because of the shame I would bring - this was 2009.

MUS - I hope your adopted parents were nicer than your birth mum - if they were, you had a lucky escape!
I thought there was some srchaic law that says men aren't allowed to go off with their MILs - I always smirked a little at that, thinking what a generally redundant law - but obviously not in your case! :(