To think this is just about the worst thing a parent could say?

[follyfoot]

Have struggled for years to let go of something my Mum said to me once. After another particularly critical comment about me as a youngster I said 'you never say anything positive about me as a child.

Her: 'there's nothing positive to say'.

Oh I really do understand these comments
'pickle bum' as I wet the bed for quite some time.
'miss shit' when dad found out I stayed in the same room as my boyfriend of 6 months at a wedding.
'I would never have had kids if it wasn't for your dad wanting them' from my mother.
'why can't you be like your brother?'
.
I also vowed never to treat my dds in this way.

Getorf, that's the reason I have an extensive cocktail cabinet at home. Whenever anyone on tv offered someone a drink from their selection she would sniff disgustedly and say I certainly don't know anyone who keeps drink in their house like that... well, mum, now you do! Childish yet somehow satisfying.

Not in the same league as some of these, but my sister had surgery a few years back because of some offhand comment nun made about her nose whom sin was about 12. People used to tell mum I looked like her - she'd roll her eyes and say I know, poor thing. Still don't think of myself as attractive.

Hugs and sympathy to folly and all others on this thread.

thanks Penguin and Cloudy, I had a terrific day just a bit tired and morose at the end of it lol....well, I am old!

That is very horrible, my Dad said to me once "You would be much better looking if you looked like you're sister"

He was a twat, so was your Mum. He said many self esteem eroding things to me, twat twat twat.

Even my Mum never really buoyed me up. My sister was very pretty (tbh I don't see it, she is very shallow and wrinkly) but she treated me like the ugly sister and noone disagreed.

Fuck em I say, both my parents are dead now, but my shallow sister is still shallow. I ignore her really, she visited not that long ago and walked 10feet ahead of me and my brood at all times, this pissed me off so much I have stopped caring.

I have a dp, she has never had one, she is too wrapped up in her super precious dd, who she tarts up to the nines to do dancing comps. I don't get it really, we are just on different planets.

Unbelievable what mothers (and Dads) can say to the children who THEY decided to bring into the world. I have vowed never to say anything to my two sons that they will remember, and dwell on, and become embittered by.

If I ever get enraged by anything my parents have ever said/done to me, I think to myself 'don't give them the power to upset you'. That often works.

very sad to read all the things on this thread.
My mum was not as bad as the meanest ones on here, not by a long shot - but I also felt that I had missed out on having a mum who cared and shared with me. She was another "what happened to the other 5%?" if I got 95% for anything.
When I first moved away from home, I used to go back most weekends - whenever I came through the door, her first words would be
"what on earth are you wearing?" (nothing funny, usually a pair of jeans and a t-shirt of some kind)
"your hair's a mess, isn't it"
"God your face is spotty"
I never got a "lovely to see you darling, how was the drive?"
I never even got a hint that she was happy to see me, tbh.

She would ask "do you want a cup of tea?" and if I said yes, she'd then say "make me one while you're at it then".

When I went away on holiday, she would never ask how the holiday was or show the slightest interest in it.

She was a deeply insecure, low self-esteem and frustrated individual who had several massive chips on her shoulders, some caused by her own father's chauvinism, some by her mother's discontent (she had a LOT to be discontented about), most of which had worn off by the time I knew my nan. But I have been through a couple of types of therapy to work out my problems (and hers) - otherwise I would still also be a deeply insecure, low self-esteem person as a result of her upbringing.

I am doing my best to be completely different with my DS but with the best will in the world, I still occasionally hear my mother's voice coming out of my mouth - and am utterly ashamed of myself.

My mum often told me that my behaviour was disgusting, that I was a 'disgusting little bastard and no one liked me', and pretended people had said things about me.

She used to spend hours ranting at me about how awful I was, to this day I don't know what I did.

It's got everything to do with her low self opinion. I do believe we can move on though but it just takes a lot of working through first.

I'm sorry you feel so sad. I have spent 50 years trying to please my mother and would still like to even now. Presently we get the pursed lips and the tut and the "I thought you would end up living better than this - these sorts of terraces were slums when I was young". When I was about 20 she told me she would have aborted me if it had been legal then!! I never knew how cruel that was until I had my own dc.

I feel sorry for her though - she was horribly spoilt and never quite grew up. I know that DS1 is the handsome image of my biological father though and I can see it rankle every time she sees him. Esp. as everyone says how handsome he is.

Follyfoot you are not alone.
On my first day at a new school (9yrs old) my mother said,
"Everyone else will be writing away and YOU will be fiddling with your pen"
It hurt me a lot. . .thanks Mum !!

I just hope my kids remember the good positive things i say , like, "Well done, you should be proud of yourself"
"You are a lovely person" etc etc.

My mum once told me I was the sort of horrible person someone would want to murder one day! She occasionally likes to reminds me that I was a horrible toddler and a bad child.

I also remember one time we were visiting my grandparents. My two aunties were there and all my cousins. We were having a big lunch and the adults were in the diningroom and kids in the kitchen. I remember suddenly seeing my mum and aunties really upset and when I asked what had happened my mum told me it was my horrible behaviour that had upset everyone. I was really confused by this, no idea if it was true or not as this time could have coincided with when my grandmother perhaps found out she had cancer.

What my parents don't know is that I was horribly bullied at school and was never able to tell them as I was too aworried that they would be even more ashamed of me so I endured it from the age of 7 until 17. Horrible time. I was very lonely and troubled and will never forget it.

This thread makes such sad reading [:(] I can't believe how vile some people are to their children in such an offhand casual way.

Follyfoot, am sure you realise that it's definitely not you.

I'm another one with the supercritical parent- male as mum handed us over to him when I was 9 and she was struggling with new DP & baby.

Skipped home with 98% maths exam result to hear 'so why didn't you get 100%?'

And ' look at you with your pot belly, no-one will ever want you. You'll never amount to anything anyway.'

Many others I don't want to even think about any more, too depressing.

Sorry that there are so many of us with crap tales to tell.

After many years of counselling, I can hold my head up and say I am a good mum whose DCs will never be made to feel that way by me- they are happy, secure and know they are loved.

"Personality disorders are born or the way in which you are brought up and treated"

That's neither proven, nor helpful.

Some abused children develop issues, others don't, (take Oprah Winfrey, for example)

The best thing about this dreadfully sad thread is how so many of you have smashed that model of parenting and done so much better with your own children.

I'm the one taking my DD to New York as a surprise

and promise myself that my own DC will never know such hurt

I take a lot of strength from the fact that I have a wonderful upbeat little family and have managed not to copy my parents negative parenting style

I always make sure that DS knows he is loved and tell him so at least once a day

I make sure dd knows I love her, and she knows that she is the most impirtant thing in my life by a long shot.

I am a completely different parent yes..I don't carry it onto my DS...sometimes I cry a little too easily at soppy things but he thinks it's because I'm a girl

I just hope my kids remember the good positive things i say , like, "Well done, you should be proud of yourself"
"You are a lovely person" etc etc.

You all come across as strong and determined people, and your children are lucky to have you to love them.
My parents were supportive and positive about us all, and the effect does last your whole life.

That is horrible.

And the very fact that you KNOW fine well that it is horrible and poor parentings shows that you are the more positive, bigger and better person in the relationship.

Such a very sad thread :(. I look at my boys and I can't imagine ever wanting to say anything so hurtful and nasty. Well done all of you on being positive, caring parents

I think the only response would be 'and you were, and always will, be a crap excuse for a mother'.

I had many similar outbursts from my mother. Classics such as calling me scum, saying that if she'd known how me (and my siblings) would turn out, she wouldn't have had any of us, general snide comments etc etc. Sadly, she died of a stroke when I was 19 so never had a chance to form an adult relationship with her. I've grown to realise that she had emotional problems of her own (had breakdowns & was hospitalised whilst I was a small child). I'm certain that despite these incredibly damaging & hurtful outbursts, she really did do her best for us. I now try to remember the positives as otherwise I'd be in danger of allowing the bitterness she felt towards me to affect my own relationship with my DD...however, it has taken me a fair bit of counselling to get to this point.YANBU!

my example is nowhere near as as anyone elses but i cant abide the word 'stupid' as my parents called me that constantly as a child (still do now i come to think of it). Sometimes as a joke, but regardless i just find it an offensive word.

I too will never call DS stupid, and remind him daily how much i love him.

Goblinchild i reiterate the message in your post - we are all strong loving mums and dads x

Oh yes. My mum called me stupid, greedy... too. I now have 3 degrees and still feel like a stupid greedy little girl.

In our house, 'stupid' is an increadible rude word. It is almost amusing how outraged DS gets if he hears the word (like on tv when a voice over was talking about '...stupid Heathrow').

This thread is heartbreaking. Such cruelty from mothers.

I have nothing to contribute that hasnt been said by people offering support already but wanted to give you all a hug.

This thread has made me incredibly . I was very lucky to have fantastic parents who are so supportive and would literally do anything for me.

DH, on the other hand, has been told by his mum (who was separated from his dad) that she wishes she never had children, that he and his brother destroyed her life and most sadly, she once said to him 'I wish I had gone ahead with the termination I had booked when pregnant with you'

How any mother can say those kind of things to a child is beyond me.

It takes distance, time and maturity to get over our parents some time!

As I get older and am a parent myself and have gone through rough times, I do sympathise more. I didn't grow up during the war with a crazy mother and father away defusing bombs. I didn't have completely nuts grandparents and hideous step-grandmother. I wasn't shoved out to work at 14. Going back another generation, I wasn't orphaned at 8 and mustard-gassed in WW1... didn't have a wife who died young after a botched back-street abortion, leaving me with a young family... Oh it sounds very Catherine Cookson!

I still never bully DS or call him stupid. I have never hit him. I almost had a fit at him yesterday when he flew his helicopter into the christmas three then knoked it over tying to retrieve it. Oh,it was close, but I have an emergency valve that always puts me back at that age. 'You'd better go you your room and play...'. No point in yelling, name calling or belting. I am not a pushover and he knows when he has done something wrong but punishment is for something bad, not just for being a kid (and doing kid-things). The nasty stuff is the parents not coping.