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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect dh to get up in night with baby?

99 replies

Penguin3 · 20/12/2010 09:45

I am still breastfeeding ds and have been waking up during thte night to feed him for the last 9 months. I feel absolutely exhausted which makes me miserable and moody! My husband works so expects me to do all the waking up at night but I feel absolutely furious with him when he complains about being exhausted? If I tell him I'm tired the general response is 'yeah, me too'. He is tired because he stays up till 1 winding down and watching tv.

he says my horrible mood swings are ruining our relationship and if I would just be nicer we would get on great but I am just so resentful of his total lack of empathy that I can't hide my annoyance at him.

I need to know if I am being unreasonable and a bit of a selfish cow?

OP posts:
traceybath · 20/12/2010 09:49

I totally sympathise with the sleep deprivation but if you're still bf what do you want him to do in the night? Is your baby hard to settle?

Its just at that stage I used to roll over, feed and go back to sleep but I had a bedside cot which made things easier.

Do you want to express and your DH to give a bottle in the night?

I must say the competitive tiredness never ends well and I say that as someone who has done it.

fibernachi · 20/12/2010 09:52

YANBU. Sure he needs to be sharp for work, but there is no excuse at all for him not getting up (at least) on Friday and saturday nights and dealing with any wakings between your bedtime and his.

It's hard, if not impossible, for people who haven't experienced the torture of sleep deprivation to understand or empathize with how totally destructive it is. When he starts getting up with DS, be prepared for him to say that it's not that bad at all and that he doesn't know what your complaining about Angry. It's the cumulative effect that's so hard, as you know.

SkiingGardeningTwinklyBauble · 20/12/2010 09:53

YANBU

He works during the day. You are working 24 hours a day, every day for 9 months.

You either need to talk to him and explain how you feel, make sure you wake him every time you are awake so he can see how it feels or decide he's a selfish Arse but you are happy to live with it. Depends how passive/assertive/aggressive you feel really.

TattyDevine · 20/12/2010 09:55

What I'd be asking of him is that he help you have a lie-in once a week, perhaps on a Saturday. Its hard when you BF if you wake up engorged, but it might be nice if he could fetch baby (assuming in different room) and bring to you upon first morning waking, you feed baby in bed, he then is responsible for taking baby out the room and dealing with him downstairs, perhaps giving him breakfast, changing nappy etc until you are ready to get up.

As your DS gets older and you may/may not finish BF it can be that he deals with him on waking whilst you stay in bed. Invest in some ear plugs and sleep till 10am.

Then, on Sunday morning you do the same for him.

That's the kind of thing I'd be expecting from him and I'd be discussing it adult to adult, not as an argument thats arisen from competitive tiredness but as a "family meeting" type thing and see what he says.

My view would be that if you can't have a lie in then nor should he and that if you have to be up and he's not willing to at least help you return to bed one of the 2 days then perhaps he too could get up and help with housework and play with DS seeing you are "all in it together". Then at least the lie-in scenario might be more appealing...

fel1x · 20/12/2010 09:58

If he stays up till 1am ish anyway then how about you expressing and leaving him milk so that he can feed the baby up until 1am while he is up anyway (so he's not losing any sleep but you will be gaining!) and you can go to bed at 9pm or something so you get a good 4 hours of sleep in a row every night.
this is what I used to do with my DH and it worked really well

spidookly · 20/12/2010 09:59

YANBU

Competitive tiredness is such an utter, utter crock of shit. There is no competition because if one person is physically nurturing their baby and doing all the night wakings (which they are if they are breastfeeding) THEY WIN.

There's no fucking argument to be had.

If you have had 9 months of broken sleep while he has refused to provide even moral support on the really shit nights, then of course you are more tired than him.

Really and truly, I don't know where these lazy fuckers get off.

If doing your job and ignoring your child and sitting around watching your wife do all the work is so exhausting then you need to get to the doctor because there's clearly some kind of medical problem that's sapping you of energy.

blackeyedsusan · 20/12/2010 10:04

a good erm " accidental" elbow in the ribs as you struggle out of bed and back in is quite theraputic.

littlemissindecisive · 20/12/2010 10:06

YANBU - i have had similar issues in the past. We then had an agreement that whoever is up in the night gets the lie in. I'm an early bird so will quite happily get up at the crack of dawn if i've got a few good hours in. Dh moans if he's up once in the night but you can't have it both ways....like you have done it many times a night, and now for years on end.

The dreamfeed is a great option. Also me sloping off to bed around 8pm really brought the message home to Dh that i wasn't messing about and was deadly serious about how rubbish i felt...

Animation · 20/12/2010 10:10

Bloody Hell!!

Of course he should be getting up and doing his bit.

You're going to end up depressed if you don't get more sleep.

violethill · 20/12/2010 10:10

Express milk, leave it in a bottle and come to a sensible agreement about who gets up when. As you are a sahm, it's not unreasonable to expect you to do the majority- if you were working too while bf, it would be reasonable to do a 50/50 split.
If you aren't expressing then tbh its a bit pointless for him to get up when the babys hungry

SleightiesChick · 20/12/2010 10:12

Are you back at work, or going back, or will you be staying at home with DS? If you're at home this seems to make people think that all the getting up is your job. I think all is the issue here - it's probably fair that you do more of it, but if he expects never to get up then YANBU.

How about defining a 'zone' when it's his job to get up and not yours, say between 11pm and 3am?

You definitely need to point out that this is a major issue. Does he pull his weight in other areas or childcare or is this a general pattern of leaving things to you?

LaWeaselMys · 20/12/2010 10:13

YANBU.

DP gave DD one bottle feed per night (she had boob for the rest) and changed her nappy if necessary.

He was awake for a fraction of the time I was, but because I wasn't getting out if bed I was able to sleep after hour long bf sessions much more easily.

pommedeterre · 20/12/2010 10:16

I got two stretches of 2 hours last night total. DH didnt hear anything - had no idea it had been so bad. When I told him he said 'Oh that might explain why I don't feel like I've had a brilliant sleep'. ARGHHH
YADNBU but the competitive who is more tired thing is an unproductive argument to have. He needs to be told what he's doing and presented with baby, bottle and no way out!!

littlemissindecisive · 20/12/2010 10:20

Have to backtrack slightly...when it was just me and dd i didn;t mind as i slept in the day when she slept, and dh was in the office all day. Plus me deciding to continue bf really meant there was little he could do in the night anyway.

Now we have 3 dc i don't get any downtime in the day and live for my lie-in day every week.

Needaname · 20/12/2010 10:40

YANBU. It's amazing how many men could regularly go to work after nights out or staying up watching TV but suddenly it's essential they get a full eight hours in order to function properly. Hmmm.

I'm more surprised that so many women seem to put up with it tbh. I know I'm lucky but DH has mostly had the newborns at night, delivered them for a feed and I take them back to him because he can sleep through the grunts and I can't. Obviously if it's a hideous night he comes to get me and we share it. My first DC was a nightmare though and I couldn't sleep in the day because it was all so full on so I supppose it's different if you can. He's a lovely man!

Original poster
Penguin3 · 20/12/2010 11:09

Thanks for the messages! Feel better just knowing aim not being completely unreasonable.

I have broached the subject of him helping with a bottle feed but he thinks it's 'easier for me to just roll over' ( easier for me or easier for him?)Angry

Spidookly- lol that hit a chord big time!!
Of course it's not all men but why why why is it so difficult to try and see a situation from the other side? It wouldn't be half as bad if he would just give me a bit of sympathy!

As far as general baby care he is very loving to ds, will hold him and play with him but won't change nappies or clothes. He hAs only taken the baby out once alone so I never get a proper break. I would love it if I could just have a coupe of hours me time. I ask he says he will then doesn't!

The extent of my me time is having a bath where he will happily look after ds and then i should be grateful for the break - which i am but somehow feel that he is not doing me the great favour he seems tothink he is - surely everyone deserves to be clean?

I'm sure all this is probably highly biased by my absolute fury at him but really, is this how it is meant to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguin3 · 20/12/2010 11:10

Blackeyed Susan - having failed with the bottle option I will give that a go tonight!!!

OP posts:
thebunnies · 20/12/2010 11:16

I went through something not dissimilar with DH when we had DS (now 8 months). Best thing I did was to just leave the house for a few hours and leave him and DS together. Nearly killed me the first time but gradually got easier and now, DH does loads of stuff with DS, does bedtime every night etc. I think DH felt really uncomfortable that he didn't know how to do things with DS and that leaving him on his own, forced him to have to learn. Now he thinks he's the expert which suits me fine Wink Good luck, it feels horrible but does improve.

Original poster
Penguin3 · 20/12/2010 11:17

Needanamee - I know! What ia that all about? You sound like you've got yourself a keeper there! I just want him to show that he cares really. Feel like my whole life has changed and his has carried on as normal.

Sorry for being such a whinger! I'm just so mad and needed a good whinge x

OP posts:
violethill · 20/12/2010 11:19

No it isn't how its meant to be. You are both parents to this child, and its not fair on the child, never mind you, to never get taken out by his dad.

My advice in these situations is always to sit down and have a full and Frank discussion, starting with a blank sheet as it were. You need to thrash out a balance which you are BOTH happy with, where neither partner feels they are getting the raw deal.
The only thing I would add, is that BOTH partners need to be prepared to shift ground. I think this is one of the potential risks when parents take on very different roles, with one at home and one providing, because unless you are both 100% happy and fulfilled with your role, it will lead to frustration or thinking the other partner has it easier. So definitely tell him you are not happy with the balance, and be prepared to rewrite the 'deal' as it were

littlemissindecisive · 20/12/2010 11:29

He sounds uselss not doing anything with the baby, no nappies, trips out etc...BUT some men do find the baby bit odd and very difficult. DH admits he's crap with babies, but comes into his own when they are toddlers, pre-schoolers and beyond. Perhaps he's scared of helping more in the day....just a thought. On the otherhand he may just be lazy Wink

fotheringhay · 20/12/2010 11:37

YAdefinitelyNBU, and you are definitely not being a whinger.

Debs75 · 20/12/2010 11:39

Penguin3 My dp is exactly the same. I go up to bed at 10.30ish with our youngest then usually wake 2-3 times to feed her and to sort out dc3. He stays downstairs till 3am some nights then on the weekends lies in till around 11am. If I make a fuss he will send me back to bed after I have got the dc's up, made breakfast and been awake a good hour or two. I would much rather he woke with them and took them downstairs before I was fully awake

classydiva · 20/12/2010 11:41

Im of the opinion that if your DP has to get up for work you shouldnt expect him to get up in the night.

A lot of people who work need time to chill out and unwind, the brain needs a chill period so it can stop going a 100 miles an hour.

YOu can sleep during the day whilst the baby is napping, your DP can't.

FindingAManger · 20/12/2010 11:44

YANBU - he can go to bed earlier if he is tired. He chooses to stay up until 1am watching TV & opt out of helping in the night. He could instead CHOOSE to go to bed at 10 and be able to help out in the night occasionally.

He needs to realise he is making choices that are hurting you & your relationship, instead of just blaming you.