To expect dh to get up in night with baby?

[Penguin3]

I am still breastfeeding ds and have been waking up during thte night to feed him for the last 9 months. I feel absolutely exhausted which makes me miserable and moody! My husband works so expects me to do all the waking up at night but I feel absolutely furious with him when he complains about being exhausted? If I tell him I'm tired the general response is 'yeah, me too'. He is tired because he stays up till 1 winding down and watching tv.

he says my horrible mood swings are ruining our relationship and if I would just be nicer we would get on great but I am just so resentful of his total lack of empathy that I can't hide my annoyance at him.

I need to know if I am being unreasonable and a bit of a selfish cow?

With regards to the night feeds, I can sympathise.

I started off, all good intentions, with my DH, saying 'you have to go to work, I don't, I'm at home, so after 11pm, I'll get up.'

Cue DH never getting up at night from the moment we brought DD home

Worked great, till I went back to work and DD was still waking for night feeds.

By that time, she was in her own room, because both she and DH slept better (and she woke less!) that way, but that, of course, meant me getting out of bed, schleping across the corridor and sitting in her room to feed her.

At almost a year, I'm still doing it and there are times when I'm so tired I want to scream. To make matters worse, I now get from DH 'why are you never awake after 10pm? We never get any time alone!'

However, when I ask if he can do some of the night stuff, his argument is 'Oh, but I have to drive to work and you don't...'

Not at bloody weekends you don't!

We've agreed that over Christmas, when neither of us is working, we'll split 50-50 and I'm expecting him to be a wreck by the 27th.

We'll see.

OP, YANBU. Things need to change. One weekend night, every week, at least.

YANBU

Both of my DSs were bottle fed and I'd say DH did at least a third of the night feeds with DS1, a lot less with DS2. I can only imagine how exhausted you are if you are doing all the night feeds, breastfeeding too. Spidookly is right as well - it's the cumulative effect of 9 months of disturbed sleep before the birth as well (not to mention labour) that really takes its toll

I agree that competitive tiredness will pull you apart, and I well remember it's hard to ask for things and then to feel as if you are being done a BIG favour.

I agree with Tatty Devine's advice - and you need to ask for him to take the baby out sometimes and/or for time away yourself, if that's what you need. As thebunnies said - just go out for a couple of hours and leave him to it. He needs to see what that is like.

I think it does take some men a while to step up to the mark, but you need to persist in expecting it otherwise resentment will eat away at you

How much does your baby sleep during daytime?

YADNBU! My DS is 10mo and I am breastfeeding. He wakes about twice at night in general and feeds to sleep more often than not. My situation is slightly different it that I work part time. However whether I am working that day or not, my DH brings the baby to me in the night (after I poke him in the ribs to wake him up!), and then I will resettle DS. After the morning feed, DH will bring me tea and breakfast in bed, then DH will take DS, change his nappy, and take him downstairs to give him breakfast while I doze/mumsnet/watch catch up TV/get ready for work. Then after DS's breakfast I take over while DH gets ready and then leaves for work.

Going to work and then coming home and looking after a baby is tiring, but not as tiring and not tiring in the same way as looking after a baby literally 24/7. Your DH to do more.

Your DH needs to do more, sorry .

Also meant to say, I assume you are doing all cleaning/cooking/organising/tidying etc? When DS sleeps, I am doing all those things, so cannot sleep when he sleeps.

I found it very hard to relax enough to nap when my first DS was napping as a baby

"The extent of my me time is having a bath where he will happily look after ds and then i should be grateful for the break"

That is a fucking disgrace.

What kind of a man is he?

Seriously?

Tell him that there must be something seriously wrong with him either mentally or physically if he is unable to care for his own baby as well as working.

I went back to work when DD1 was 3.5 months and did all the night wakings, including during a 9 month sleep regression when she woke 5+ times every night. AND I went to work each day and did my extremely stressful job. AND my kind DH sometimes got up with me just for moral support on the really bad nights.

Don't sit down and have some rational discussion. He's behaving absolutely appallingly. Make sure he knows it and that it's not happening any more.

And don't accept any horseshit about "babies being weird". Of course they seem weird if you have nothing to fucking do with them. It'll all seem less weird if he stops being such a whiny, useless baby.

I can't believe he doesn't change nappies or clothes, it's not bloody hard, it's sad and he should be ashamed of himself that he's not doing any of the basics AT ALL of looking after a small baby.

Saying you can sleep in the day is a moot point IMO. He could go to bed earlier, and there are jobs to do when baby sleeps, if you can leave them at all. DD only napped with me on the sofa And woke if I moved until I stopped bf at 11 1/2mths!

Make him change nappies and make him take the baby out.

Does he lack confidence with the baby?
If he makes mistakes, let him as long as the baby is safe.

Pretty much all the fathers I know did or do this.

The thing to keep reminding yourself is that yes, he does work. But that's 8 hours a day. You cannot be expect to work 24 hours a day, which is what you are currently doing.

Anything outside his work hours - childcare, cooking, etc, should be shared

My DH was told in no uncertain terms that he had no business complaining of tiredness when he got to sleep 10 hours through the night, while I did all the night work, including bf'ing, changing, whatever. He had some kind of weird belief that babies sleep all the time during the day (mine didn't, would go for half an hour max, twice a day if I was lucky).

So, IMO YANBU to be pissed off with him whinging about tiredness; but YABU to expect him to do anything in the night.

"Im of the opinion that if your DP has to get up for work you shouldnt expect him to get up in the night."

So if both partners work, you advocate leaving the baby to scream, presumably?

"A lot of people who work need time to chill out and unwind, the brain needs a chill period so it can stop going a 100 miles an hour."

Some people who care for children need to be treated as full members of the human race who also might like to chill out and unwind occasionally.

Seriously, are there really that many people who are so out of depth at work that they are unable to keep up with their other responsibilities?

Why does a nine month old need feeding at night? And if you are still BF how can husband help?

What a shite comment classydiva. Perhaps the OP needs time to unwind after a days work with her DS? Get a bloody grip!
I have never been able to sleep will either of my DCs have napped. That's when I do the washing, have a shower, make the beds, mop the floor, prepare the meals etc.

Agree with thumb. Whinging about being tired is dull and pointless from either parent. And its ridiculous for him to have never changed a nappy or taken his child out. I do think the night time stuff is different though- it's only reasonable if one parent is home f/ t (whether mum or dad) that they take on the majority of that. It s not about the parent at home 'not working' because of course they aren't sitting on their arse all day, they are looking after the child and doing housework etc BUT its different to having to be up in the morning and off to work and performing 100% , which is very different from the being at home pressure

"BUT its different to having to be up in the morning and off to work and performing 100% , which is very different from the being at home pressure"

Really, if you find that so hard that you need to dump 100% of night wakings on your partner, then you are probably not sufficiently talented to do the job you're trying to do.

I don't know anyone in any kind of responsible job who isn't sometimes required to perform after no sleep.

If you can do an all-nighter to prepare a report or presentation, you can get up occasionally and help your partner with your baby.

If you can't, then accept that you are trying to do a job you aren't able for.

I should point out that DH was also given all the cooking and kitchen duties as well, to counterbalance his lack of night work. He would change the occasional nappy but 90% of that was left to me - so I had no qualms at all in getting him to do the cooking/washing up stuff. I still did all the laundry and cleaning etc.

Depends on the job- and no, it's bollocks to suggest someone isn't up to the job if they find they aren't performing 100% after pulling an all nighter! Lol

spidookly, we dont even know dh's job.
He could be bus driver.

Exactly. Clearly a job with more responsibility than spidooklys!!!

OP you can do the beds and laudry with one 9 months old. Dont do it when he naps, use that time to rest. And do online shopping and double cooking for the freezer.

We have the 'anything after 6.30am is DP's' rule.

Then I get a delivery of a clean, jolly baby (and a cup of coffee) so I can feed him.

I don't mind the nights because I know I can lie around in the morning which is when I am most demoralised!

If I FF'd I'd definitely be wanting more help though. I can't nap during the day either.

If he doesn't nap much (my dc3 stopped at 12 months!) then build in some chill out time in your day. Stay in your pjs. Snuggle down with books and toys so that you can relax and not have to think, put the telly or some relaxing music on for half an hour. Take advantage of all those things that you CAN do, even with an active, non sleeping baby, which your dh cant do at work.

YANBU.
Similar position here, in terms of age of baby (DS2 is nearly 10 months), who is up 2 x a night. DS1 also going through a spate of waking up at 5am.
I do the majority of wake ups (although DH has spent last 3 nights of cuddling and sitting with DS2 at every wake up, as we are in process of night weaning). BUT, he sometimes takes both kids so I can have a lie in at the weekend and I get him up if DS2 is taking an age to settle and I'm losing it during the night.
Sounds like you need to talk about what you both need and come to a compromise. I had a night out last week, and feel quite invigorated by finally having some 'me' time. Part of it is being recognised for the horror that is sleep deprivation for so many months.
Hope your LO sleeps soon for you.

It's not bollocks to suggest that someone who can't perform at work if they are ever required to do anything in the middle of the night is out of their depth.

And actually I do think an inability to perform after an all-nighter is a sign of incompetence.

But we're not talking about all-nighters, we're talking about helping out an odd time.

The way people on MN talk in hushed tones about the importance and unbelievable difficulty of having a job is a fucking joke.

It's work. You get up, and you do it. You're supposed to be tired at the end of the day - that's why it's called work.

That doesn't mean the rest of the world should bow down and serve you. When you get out of work there's more work to do - looking after yourself and your dependants.

If you can't hack that, then get an easier job or don't have children.