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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dh to get up in night with baby?

99 replies

Penguin3 · 20/12/2010 09:45

I am still breastfeeding ds and have been waking up during thte night to feed him for the last 9 months. I feel absolutely exhausted which makes me miserable and moody! My husband works so expects me to do all the waking up at night but I feel absolutely furious with him when he complains about being exhausted? If I tell him I'm tired the general response is 'yeah, me too'. He is tired because he stays up till 1 winding down and watching tv.

he says my horrible mood swings are ruining our relationship and if I would just be nicer we would get on great but I am just so resentful of his total lack of empathy that I can't hide my annoyance at him.

I need to know if I am being unreasonable and a bit of a selfish cow?

OP posts:

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:07

"Clearly a job with more responsibility than spidooklys!!!"

PMSL :o

No, I'm just really good at what I do and not lazy.

violethill · 20/12/2010 13:11

And some people would argue exactly the same thing about having a baby- why is it talked about in hushed tones, as if it's some fucking big deal.

The whole point is that different people have different pressures, different views and different coping thresholds. Personally I found looking after my kids while on maternity leave a doddle- including night feeds- and that was with 3 children.
But that's not much help to the OP who is clearly struggling. The adult thing to do is to sit down and TALK about what they both agree is a fair division of responsibilities.

Highlander · 20/12/2010 13:15

when I was an SAHM, my view was that DH and I both worked during the day. Come 5pm, we're both in it together until 8am the next day.

Add in DH's 50 min commute on the train where he would have a coffee and read a book - I reckon he owes me, oh 1hr 40 mins x 5 days x 40 weeks plus all the nights he's been late home away at conferences............. and he had the cheek recently to enquire whether he's doing too much childcare.

MissAnthropy · 20/12/2010 13:15

You do need to be very careful about how you say things around sharing responsibilities. Because frankly 'I'm at work, I need to be 100% rested' is a cop out. Because caring for a dependent child requires you to be switched on too.

I acknowledge that if you're needing to get up and do a full day's work outside of the house then you probably need some nod towards being allowed to rest and prepare for that. But I fail to see how that translates into doing no night wakings, no nappies, no dressing, no early mornings, nada. What about days off? What about the bit till 1am where in the op's example he's up anyway.

It shouldn't have to descend into either partner doing it all. If you can share it out, if you can work out a way of getting through it with both parties getting some sleep, both parties getting a break and respecting and caring for each other, you're doing damn well.

My Dad only ever gave one piece of advice to dh when I was pregnant and that was no matter how hard you work outside the home, when you walk away from the front door you're being allowed to do something that the partner at home can't do and that's switch off from the constant vigilance of childcare. And dh really took that on board. Even a cup of tea and a 15 minute break at work is something you can't manage when you're at home full time. Every adult deserves the basic courtesy of being able to step back even for a brief time.

And frankly anybody refusing to do any nappy changes, any night feeds, any dressing etc is missing out. What a shameful way to treat your child. You should want to do these things for your dependent child.

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:18

"Personally I found looking after my kids while on maternity leave a doddle- including night feeds- and that was with 3 children. "

Yeah, it's always people with multiple children who pull this fucking crap.

You know as well as I know that it's EASIER as you go on.

I found looking after 2 children on maternity leave a doddle, but learning how to look after my first child really, really hard.

And you know what else, having a baby IS A BIG FUCKING deal.

Having another baby, not so much. You know what you're doing. But denigrating how difficult women find the adjustment to motherhood so you can lionise the important work men do is really fucking sad.

You can't even see what a misogynist you are, coming on here day after day telling women who care about being mothers that what they do is shit and they should get on with the important business of making sure their husband's life is as easy as possible.

And no, the adult thing to do with a man who won't even change his own baby's nappy is to TELL HIM to man up or fuck off.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 20/12/2010 13:19

MissAnthropy - I love your Dad. What a brilliant piece of advice. Wish someone had given it to my DH.

violethill · 20/12/2010 13:21

I totally agree about not changing any nappies or taking the child out btw- frankly thats weird and very unfair on the child who is missing out.
However, I DO think the total vigilance all day thing can be overstated. Of course you need to watch your child and keep it safe, but that doesn't require absolute mammoth effort every second of the day. Its perfectly possible to make one room in the house very child friendly, and then snuggle down with books, toys, music- and even a cup of tea!

violethill · 20/12/2010 13:23

Op - great advice there - tell your dh to fuck off, that'll sort things out - or not lol!

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:24

"my view was that DH and I both worked during the day."

quite.

I never quite understand why it is acceptable for the care of small children to be left to people whose mental health is suffering due to lack of sleep so that the well rested can go off and sit in an office all day.

Somehow on these threads though, it always turns out that 100% of people who work outside the home are bus drivers and surgeons. We've already had one bus driver suggestions.

spidookly's law = as a thread concerning who should do night wakings develops, the likelihood of surgeons and bus drivers being mentioned approaches 1

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:27

The correct advice when someone is treating you like a piece of worthless shit is to tell them to fuck off and you won't take it any more.

Having "adult discussions" with someone who thinks they are better than you and you exist to serve them is pointless.

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:28

With your first baby you DO need to do the constant vigilance thing.

That's how you LEARN.

FFS.

violethill · 20/12/2010 13:29

Or even better, don't have a child with someone who treats you (And the child) like a piece of worthless shit

MissAnthropy · 20/12/2010 13:30

Aah you see by vigilance I mean that if that child needs you, if anything happens to them, it's always you. Your 15 minute tea break is never assured. You always have to make sure they're happy, safe, fed, clean, clothed and then you might fit in that cup of tea. DH always felt that he knew he'd go to work, he knew how his day would go, knew when his lunch would be, knew who he would see, what his responsibilities were, how everybody around him would behave. Knew if he was thirsty he could make a drink when he wanted it and then proceed to drink it. At home there's no such freedom from change. And that's a very big difference.

I love my Dad. I dropped in to see him at work the other day and one of his colleagues who's the same age as me took me to one side and told me she wished he was her Dad too. He's one in a million.

JamieLeeCurtis · 20/12/2010 13:31

I found it hard with DS1 because it was a new experience. I look back now - 10 years on and think "why was it so hard?" but it just was. And what makes it harder is when your life feels like it has utterly changed and your partners hasn't and he has no empathy with you.

So I do agree with you violethill - everyone's coping is different. But I also found it hard with two.

I don't think there is a hard and fast rule that will work for everyone. Some people cope better with sleep deprivation and will therefore be prepared for doing all the night stuff as long as that is counter-balanced by sharing the load elsewhere.

The OP's experience seems seriously off-kilter

Laquitar · 20/12/2010 13:33

spidookly, in most jobs you cannot do whatever you like. It is not only bus drivers and surgeons. If you work in tesco you dont have a cup of coffee next to you for example. You seem very angry and assume that everybody is sitting in an office drinking coffees.

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:33

So, your advice is to go back in time and not marry this shit and have a child with him?

But telling him to fuck off is bad advice?

JamieLeeCurtis · 20/12/2010 13:34

I also agree that what is so tiring about looking after a baby is that sort of undefinable constant lack of control over things, as you say MissAnthropy

MissAnthropy · 20/12/2010 13:35

Actually I do think that you have to allow that for some men, when they behave in this way it's not because they're misogynistic pricks but because that's the way the country sometimes sets it up. They get 2 weeks at home. 2 weeks when it's all adrenalin and guests and presents and new and exciting. The sheer exhausting, mind numbing day to day plod hasn't set in. And then their lives go back to normal. They go back to work. It's no longer than a fortnight's holiday to Magaluf. A quick break then life as usual. And they probably aren't allowed to understand just how drastic a change it is when it's not happening to them. But they should be capable of hearing and learning, just as the parent at home has to. I don't think a man is a cock if he misunderstands how much has changed and wrongly assumes in lack of joined up logic that you've given up work therefore you've got the extra head space to raise a whole human being. If they're not there for 10hrs of the day, if the nights have been done by somebody else because they're bfing, they perhaps don't realise what's really happening.

That doesn't make them a cock. Not listening when the person you profess to love and respect asks you for help does make you a cock. A massive one.

violethill · 20/12/2010 13:35

Laquitar - spot on. I don't normally get a coffee or lunch break when I'm at work. In fact thinking back, I had more cups of tea while on maternity leave

MissAnthropy · 20/12/2010 13:39

I found caring for dd really easy. If she was hungry, feed her, if she was tired, rock her to sleep, dirty change her etc. The emotional response, the constant vigilance, the anxiety, the physical recovery from labour, the fact that feeding took 20hrs out of 24, the sheer overwhelming, jaw dropping, frightening, guilt-inducing, humbling, anxiety-making process of being fully responsible for brand new life was the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I'm not ashamed of that.

Laquitar · 20/12/2010 13:39

Me too

spidookly · 20/12/2010 13:40

"The emotional response, the constant vigilance, the anxiety, the physical recovery from labour, the fact that feeding took 20hrs out of 24, the sheer overwhelming, jaw dropping, frightening, guilt-inducing, humbling, anxiety-making process of being fully responsible for brand new life was the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I'm not ashamed of that."

Yes. That.

Laquitar · 20/12/2010 13:40

sorry that was to VH

MissAnthropy · 20/12/2010 13:41

But while you're at work, the baby is not your responsbility. You switch off from that facet of parenting for however many hours a day (not saying you don't think about them/worry about them obviously but you're not responsbile for them). To then remain switched off to it for the duration of your time at home is completely disrespectful to your partner.

It's not about cups of tea or lunch breaks, it's about feeling like you're not 100% responsible for this tiny creature 100% of the time. It's exhausting.

containher · 20/12/2010 13:47

Why is your 9 month old still being fed during the night. This problem can be resolved by simply making some adjustments to your baby's routine and enforcing a more reasonable routine ( which doesn't involve night feeds!) so that has enough to feed during the day - as long as he has enough to eat in the day, then the night waking is purely down to habit in a 9 month old.Make sure your baby has enough solids and proper breastfeeds during the day- then either go cold turkey on the night feeds, or gradually reduce length of time he is at the breast at the night over a period of 5 days, then offer him water from then on. Soon it won't be worth him waking up.

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