To expect dh to get up in night with baby?

[Penguin3]

I am still breastfeeding ds and have been waking up during thte night to feed him for the last 9 months. I feel absolutely exhausted which makes me miserable and moody! My husband works so expects me to do all the waking up at night but I feel absolutely furious with him when he complains about being exhausted? If I tell him I'm tired the general response is 'yeah, me too'. He is tired because he stays up till 1 winding down and watching tv.

he says my horrible mood swings are ruining our relationship and if I would just be nicer we would get on great but I am just so resentful of his total lack of empathy that I can't hide my annoyance at him.

I need to know if I am being unreasonable and a bit of a selfish cow?

I think the point is that even surgeons have to work well when they're absolutely exhausted sometimes and they still have to work at the top of their game. It might not be ideal, but nor is looking after small children while tired.

Whoever's at home might accept being a bit more tired and doing most of the nighttime childcare, but I don't see why the bus driver/surgeon can't do some of it. They'll still be getting more sleep than their partner most of the time.

I was quite lucky in that early on my DH did all the night changes and was always there to help settle or offer support (I bf) if necessary and where I could I would try to get on without waking him.

But whoever said the cumulative affect of little sleep took a while to kick in was right. My DH still helps when he can, but I don't think he gets how tired I can be after five months of never getting a full night's sleep. Last weekend I was nearly in tears because it worked out that I couldn't get a lie-in, which may sound pathetic but I was really counting on that two hours extra in bed to catch up. Whenever he says 'I'm tired' I want to go 'arrrrgh!' even though I'm well aware he is (a bit!). He also does that thing of saying 'oh, did he wake in the night' really nonchalantly. Grr argh :)

OP, I think even if he can't do feeds your DH should get up in the night on occasion if you need help settling your child. But if he generally doesn't need to get up he should want to help out in other ways - like changing nappies or clothes. I find it a bit odd that he doesn't want to do this at all, tbh. I third/fourth/fifth the suggestion that you go out for a bit in the day so that your partner will have to change a nappy and deal with a tired baby as well as a happy one.

It's sad that he can't empathise with you :(. I think that would really frustrate me. Good luck and please keep us updated if you can.

I don't think anyone is saying he isn't a knob missanthropy. He sounds like a first class dick head, not having spent any time alone with his child for 9 months. But the discussion had moved on to the specifics of how far he should be responsible for night feeds , and many of us feel that when one person is at home, then its fairest for them to take major responsibility for it.
Its a point of view. That's all. Personally, what worked best for us was that by the time he kids were that age, we were both working, and therefore childcare/ earning/ housework etc was split equally. Suited us, as we both wanted to do the caring stuff and work outside the home too. But if you opt for different roles, then you need to thrash out the detail of what is reasonable

( or just tell your partner to fuck off!!! Lol)

Op I think that:

1. You are clearly exhausted - BF is draining itself without taking into account the sleep deprivation.

2. Your husband, whilst he may be tired, cannot possibly be as tired as you if he stays up until 1am. I realise that people do need to unwind after a hard days work - my husband is a corporate lawyer and is often out of the house at 7pm and back at 10/11pm. He then watches tv/chats to me if I am still awake for approx half an hour to unwind. But he does not need to stay up until 1am.

3. I think he does need to help you in the night but the only way he can do that is if you express. I would give it a go cos it sounds like this is exhausting. Have you tried a dream feed at say 10:30/11 ish? Your husband could do that with a bottle.

4. My husband and I have had many arguments about who is most tired, and it always ends in tears. But continues to happen! I think you need to spell it out to him that you are at your wits end and that he needs to realise this and help in the night, at least on Fridays and Sat and one day at the weekend you need a lie-in. I assume you are still at home?

5. I do think that as I am a SAHM I should generally get up in the night if our daughter wakes - 12 months. However, she hasn't had any night feeds since about 14 weeks (dream feed given until 5 months when we were still awake). And my husband works very long hours and invariably gets up before we do (our daughter goes back to sleep after her morning bottle until about 8:30) so I am very lucky. In addition his job is pretty tough and I know that I can stay in my PJs and in the house or watch tv or have a rest when she does her lunchtime nap which he can't do. But my husband lets me have a lie-in at the weekends if I need one (as I do for him), gets up with her in the mornings to do first feed (she is bottle fed) during the week if he can and does bath and bed at weekend as he barely sees her in the week.
   I really hope your husband listens to you - perhaps show him this thread?! You need a break... Sorry for ultra long post!

I think a lot of women on MN who live with the most appalling assholes I've ever heard described would be significantly happier if they did tell their partners to fuck off instead of just having endless "adult conversations" that are completely ignored.

Well he can't breastfeed your baby!

However that being said I hate getting up in the night, and I hate being tired, so what worked for us (DH works in stressful job longish hours, eg often doesn't get home until 9pm). We did try with bottle in night but it never really worked for us.

a) me having a sleep after lunch or after morning feed on saturday and while DH took DC out of house or downstairs (I used earplugs)

b) Me trying really hard to have a short sleep each day while the baby was asleep, and going to bed as early as possible. Sometimes I was so tired I'd go to bed at 8pm when DH came home from work, although normally it was 10.30pm after a feed.

c) him getting up in nights if baby wouldn't settle after a feed - and only once per night, and probably not every night - we both went to bed as early as possible though.

d) introducing bottles (initially alongside BFing) at 6 months (once weaned) when I went back to work, and cutting out night feeds from that time. DS2 had hipp goodnight milk at 11pm and then was offered bottle of water during night. At 8 months DS2 still has dreamfeed (although regular formula now) before we go to bed. If I go to bed early DH does this - it takes 5 mins.

My point about men being knobs if they don't help was a general one, not about the op's partner. And my point was that not helping doesn't automatically equal knob status.

And I wasn't talking about the partner at home doing the lions share or commenting on the way others do it, I was talking about the op's partner who in 9 months has done no nappies, no clothes changes, no night wakings and the only time he has had sole care for the baby is when she has a bath. I have no problem with the sahp doing most or all of the childcare and I never dare comment on other people's arrangements unless they're clearly unhappy and asking. I think there are as many ways to work it as there are couples.

My brother has 3 children and works a 50hr week. His dw is a sahm. DB does all of the cooking/housework/nightfeeds. That's what works for them.

As has already been pointed out, even people whose job is cutting your body open and removing things from it have to be able to do their job well when they're tired.

Looking after children is important. It's not safe to have someone who hasn't slept for days driving to the shops with a child in the back of her car. And yet apparently it's unthinkable that a man should drive to work after getting up to change a baby's nappy at 3am.

I've done 90% of night wakings with my children, I don't expect my DH to get up in the middle of the night when I'm feeding.

But I DO expect him to be kind to me.

And I wouldn't think of accepting that because he had to go to work that he was more important than me in every way and that I should be grateful for the opportunity to wash myself.

So I think we are all basically agreeing .....

OP - your DH needs to make an effort, some kind of effort at least.

I am of the school of thought that the SAHP should deal with most night feeds if possible, but the WOHP needs to pull weight at times when they can.

For example, on at least one of the weekend mornings, your DH should be getting up with the baby and letting you have a lie-in. He should do at least 50%+ of nappies when at home (my DH did ALL when he was not at work). He should also take on some key roles such as bath time, and should take full care of baby for at least a few hours on the weekend (preferably either taking baby out somewhere or freeing you up so you can go somewhere).

hi there,

well my brother in law is a surgeon and I have to say that they did some serious sleep training once the exhaustion was really getting to him...and tbh I prefer the thought of a bit of controlled crying to an exhausted surgeon!

OP your DH does need to do more. Mine works long hours while I am SAHM, I did all the night wakings as was I breastfeeding, but he did take DS away every weekend morning so that I could have a lie in. I couldn't have coped at all without the weekend lie ins. And he is good at nappies. I am surprised at a father in this day and age who has not changed a nappy once in nine months. He is not doing you a favour letting you have a bath. Best of luck.

Penguin3 - I think everyone is in agreement that he should be doing more - eg letting you have lie in or day time sleeps at weekend, every weekend, changing nappies / clothes etc.

But I also think that at 9 months not really need for anyone to be getting up in night.

I agree you need to have full discussion with him, because it sound like the exhaustion is having adverse effect on your relationship.

MissAnthropy you speak a lot of sense. I could have written everyone of your posts if I was half as articulate!

I agree that night feeds could be phased out at 9 months

Your day job is looking after a baby, his is going to the office (or whatever he does). Of course he should help out. DH used to get up and change DD's nappy (took 5 minutes if that) then I'd get up and do an hour long BF. Never did he complain. Quite the opposite, he always praised me for being so strong - probably through fear I would start crying.

I read things on here and realise how many selfish blokes there are out there. Outrageous.

We've just started talking about trying for our second, but I might have to have a cs - DH is already planning how he can save holiday so he can be at home for the optimum amount of time and help out!

DH has a 2 hour commute to work and still gets up if DD wakes (we take it in turns), but I do work now. I probably get up more when I'm on school hols, but DD is nearly 3 and so I can occasionally use the TV as a babysitter if I need an easy day after a bad night. Babies aren't so straight forward!

ThAnk you so much everyone for your responses! A lot of really good advice to take in. It's good to get different perspectives. I am going to get started weening ds off the night feed for a start and we definitely need to sit down and discuss things properly as I don't think either of us is particularly happy at the moment.

I don't expect him to do everything- not at all -more than anything just to appreciate what I do do. He isn't a bad dad though, he loves ds very much . It is probably my fault door not letting him build confidence up at changing him. It is a massive change.

Thanyou again! Will talk to him tonight about sharingvthe responsibility a bit more

I mean fatherhood is a massive change not the nappy

When his 3 dcs were young my FIL was setting up a company and working incredibly hard but he still did all the night feeds because that was his special time with his children. Probably explains why he is a great grandad who happily changes nappies etc. And why he raised three children who all have equal, happy relationships. So I am grateful to him fir being a positive role model. He reaps the benefit by having gcs who adore him.

Tell your DH to take his share. I simply don't agree with thus idea that the parent at home has to do everything.

If you both work then night wakings should be split straight down the middle; 50-50. I also think making sure each of your get at least one lie in a week is important.

If he works and you don't then you do should most of the nights splitting the rest for when he isn't it.

Housework and so on should be split pretty evenly although again if you're at home and he's at work then I would expect a great deal of it to be done by the SAHP.

Looking after a new born is an exhausting boring slog but it's hardly comparable to having to go out to work. Sorry if that's an old fashioned point of view but it's true. This "woe is me, my life is so hard" approach to modern parenthood is ridiculous. Bringing up a new born is hardly new to humankind is it?

And isn't 9 months a little old to still be feeding during the night? It's been a long time since I was doing this but can't you "direct" his routine a little?

And just to point out, the "one lie in a week" applies regardless of who works and who stays at home. Everyone needs the odd break.

At the risk of being flamed.

First time round it is a big shock for both parents, but as the mother usually has maternity leave she spends more time with the baby and the father goes back to work so spends less time.

Sometimes the mother doesn't let the father make his own mistakes and understandably hovers while he is doing his bit, as she knows what to do therefore he lacks confidence, therefore he withdraws.

When he comes in from work, everyones time is equal, let him have the baby, let him change the baby, help him if he needs it, but don't take over.

When the weather gets better send them off out together, once he gets confident he'll love it.

Disclaimer- IME this happens sometimes and not all the time and is no way a criticism of the OP, anyone in real life, or anyone who has ever or is ever going to post on Mumsnet. Phew.

YANBU . . .i had the same problem with my Ex DH . . .he was awful about taking care of the kids and in the end we split up. . .i had build up so much resentment.

Agree with letting Dad just get on with caring for his baby without hovering.

Not that it has much relevance here.

People have been working as long as they've been having babies.

No wonder this country is fucked if this many people are unable to do their job unless they've had 8 hours of unbroken sleep the night before.

Actually, LookToWindward, I think looking after a newborn is comparable to going out to work. What part of 'exhausting boring slog' makes it not comparable?

Of course there's a lot of joy from parenthood and I wouldn't say the joy you can get from work is the same, but plenty of people have jobs that aren't as exhausting as looking after a newborn and that are satisfying and fulfilling in their own right.

I don't think most people are 'woe is me' when both parents take their part in looking after the baby. It's when one is left to do large parts of it on their own (and I don't just mean during working hours) that they begin to feel frustrated.