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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have been furious at pil for insisting on coming round mine for a dinner when ds1 is sooo poorly

108 replies

springchik · 19/12/2010 19:07

Loong story!We were supposed to be going round pil for dinner today and sil and her family were coming down from up north. Sil cancelled yesterday because of the snow. I would not have gone anyway because ds1 is really unwell. Mil knows this came round yesterday and ds barely stirred from the sofa or acknowledge her - very unlike ds1.

Anyway mil rang yesterday and said sil has cancelled so she'll come to us. I said ds is poorly and I have nothing in and she said dont worry we'll bring it all to you cooked it'll be like meals on wheels. Still I protested but she can be very intimidating

Anyway ds has been getting worse and worse. High temp lethargic not eating. During the night he was in agony with his ear and he had a high temp. This morning at 845 I insisted that dh rang mil and said she could not come as ds is too poorly. He suggested to her dh and ds2 came to them instead and cook the meal she has planned. He rang and suggested just that she wasnt too happy but dh said she agreed to it apparantly.

To cut along story short ds1 saw an oncall doctor at a dropin centre today he has an ear infection dr described it as red raw and said I'm not surprised he's been in such pain. Changed his prescription at noon when I got in and saw dh he said oh and by the way mum is insisting on bringing dinner to us! Shock Tried to ring pil at their home no reply rang her on her mobile and asked what on earth is going on and she hung up.

They came round at about 1 producing a cooked turkey (a week early eh) unpeeled potatoes, carrots, cauliflour, peas etc and announced these are to be cooked. I was furious she said what is your problem. I was so sangry I said i have a poorly boy in there and its rude isnt it to insist on coming round someone elses house turning up with food. She said thats it I'm going I dont have to put up with this. Ds1 cried and said dont go so she said dont worry Im not ggoing anywhere and she stayed and I cooked dinner we ate in the dining room while ds1 was poorly in the living room! Angry

OP posts:
AllGoodNamesGone · 19/12/2010 19:41

Am guessing the reason you were so anti it in the first place was because you knew you'd be the one who'd end up in the kitchen.

If this was my mum, she would have brought the things and got on with it and we could all have had a nice meal and one less thing to worry about while dealing with poorly child.

MIL would not have come anywhere near us if there was a sick child in the house!

Either approach is helpful. Turning up with the ingredients of a meal which requires a lot of messing around and parking self on sofa is not. Especially when specifically asked not to come, several times.

Very very very very strange behaviour.

TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy · 19/12/2010 19:46

Xpost narky Grin at least we think the op wnbu

narkypuffin · 19/12/2010 19:48

Grin HoneyDragons

Baublepink · 19/12/2010 19:55

Obviously your MIL is miffed that the best-laid plans involving a family meal with SIl etc have all gone wrong. She brought turkey because presumably, in her mind she was creating a sort of pre-Christmas dinner for you all. Then your SIL can't come, now you can't come. It's understandable that she's upset by this change in plans from everybody coming to nobody coming.

BUT

You/DH asked her specifically not to come. She should have respected that and simply not come even if she thought you were BU. Anyone who can't see that is BU.

BelligerentYhoULE · 19/12/2010 19:57

YANBU - she should have listened and not come.

However, when she DID come, you should have kept your mouth shut and let your dh deal with her, rather than telling her she was rude. That gave her the right to feel all sanctimonious, imho.

But why did YOU cook?

AliBellandthe40jingles · 19/12/2010 20:04

Yes I don't understand why you cooked.

Surely once they had actually turned up, you don't start ranting - especially if the DCs are happy to see their grandparents.
I would just have ushered her towards the kitchen.

autodidact · 19/12/2010 20:09

I think she was well out of order (and I'm a champion of mothers-in-law generally as I think they can often get a rough ride on the net of mum) as was your husband. You directly asked her not to come and for good reason. Your husband should have stuck to his guns and deserves a large share of the blame. By allowing her to come over he has effectively sided with his mother over you. I would pull him up on this. It's lovely that he wants to please both of you but if he doesn't support you on the (hopefully very rare) occasions that there is conflict he will weaken your relationship irrevocably. Your poor ds1 has (following his father's pattern) been caught in the emotional crossfire today and that alone should be ringing alarm bells with your husband.

SantasENormaSnob · 19/12/2010 20:09

Yanbu

on what realm of fucking reasonable is it okay to turn up at someones house after being told no.

That's appalling IMO

I would have hit the roof.

VallhalaLalalalalalalalaaaaaa · 19/12/2010 20:24

She'd have left my house with a parsnip up her ass! Cheeky mare! How dare she hang up on you when you rang to ask her what was going on then turn up at your house expecting a meal - worse still expecting you to cook it - when she had both been told not to and when your DS was ill!

Parsnip. Up her ass. Deffo.

MsKLo · 19/12/2010 20:29

oh blimey! you poor thing! that is so horrible!

springchik · 19/12/2010 20:39

I didnt insist she left because ds was in tears when she said she was going. Thats when I stopped having a go aswell tbh because I couldnt bear seeing ds upset when he is poorly. I have never stood my ground to her in the 12 years I've been married and I thing she was abit taken aback. When I walked away after I saw the veg being produced I heard mil have ago at dh for how I talked to her and he just took it! I just fail to understand what was so wrong with the suggestion of dh and ds2 going round for dinner when I said this she said call me selfish but I was soo looking forward to the whole family coming round that I wanted to include the whole faamily and that includes you as your part of the family and why should you and ds miss out.

Dh doesnt really see the problem as much as me as he got a roast dinner! Ds was sleeping when dinner was being prepared but woke up just as we were sitting down. Dh and pil seemed to enjoy it I didnot I was constantly up and down checking on ds1. Neither did ds2 who normally never eats that late and hasnt been well himself lately and didnt eat alot and was up and down.

OP posts:
clam · 19/12/2010 20:44

Not in a million years would I have gone in that kitchen and cooked a meal. She brought it (ostensibly to help) then she cooks it.

springchik · 19/12/2010 20:45

I did not insist on cooking it myself btw she produced the veg and handed them over with "these need to be cooked" I walked out with you have got to be joking I came back in the kitchen and saw dh doing it and mil saying things like that how are you cooking the roast pots and dh looking at the roasting pan flumoxed and saying I dont know oil I suppose etc etc. Thats when I said dont worry I'll sort it dh!

OP posts:
chrimblycompo · 19/12/2010 20:48

Presumably she brought it all round because she'd brought it specially for today
if it was your mum you probably wouldn't have been so arsey
it's this whole 'it's mil , an intruder' rather than family

springchik · 19/12/2010 20:48

Basicly dh was a bit flustered and I wanted to help him as mil wasnt and expected him to do it. Thats why I ended up doing it!

OP posts:
TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy · 19/12/2010 20:51

She wanted her "family dinner" and probably resented the food being wasted, I feel for both you and your dh, its a horrible thing to do.

I'm sure you regret losing your temper, but I bet she didn't give a damn she made her grandson cry. If you guys can't stand up to her your going to have to put it behind you and concentrate on getting everyone better for Christmas.

Or by her some bubblebath for xmas and wee in itWink

SantasENormaSnob · 19/12/2010 20:51

It wouldn't matter if it was my mum, mil or the queen.

Turning up after being told no is really fucking rude.

narkypuffin · 19/12/2010 20:52

She's just selfish and used to getting her own way.

I totally understand why you stepped back and went and cooked when she got your DS all upset.

Unfortunately, as with a lot of MIL problems, it's made worse by the fact that your DH won't stand up to her and back you up when you need him to.

I hope your DSs feel better soon.

NonnoMum · 19/12/2010 20:53

Think the bigger problem is that your DH doesn't know how to roast a few potatoes...

Think you need to count your blessings.

TheHoneydragonsInTheIvy · 19/12/2010 20:54

rubbish, I am a pro MiL - er and hate some the threads on here, I actually think if the op had said any other family member had done this, she'd have got a fairer time.

If my Mum behaved like this I would have done a Val and parsnipped her ass.

Francagoestohollywood · 19/12/2010 20:57

I'm sorry, but unless you have a history of not getting along etc with mil, I really can't see the problem.
Even if ds is unwell, you will have to eat at some stage.

narkypuffin · 19/12/2010 20:59

This agreeing is habit forming Wink

If anyone, that doesn't currently live in my house or work for a supermarket delivery service, turned up uninvited with raw food presuming I'd cook it would fuck me off.

springchik · 19/12/2010 21:00

Yes but not an early christmas dinner! Dh suggested going over with ds2 for dinner whats wrong with that? Ds2 loves gooing there aswell so everyone would have been happy!

OP posts:
narkypuffin · 19/12/2010 21:01

So you doorstep people with raw food when you've been specifically asked not to come Franca?

VallhalaLalalalalalalalaaaaaa · 19/12/2010 21:01

"If my Mum behaved like this I would have done a Val and parsnipped her ass."

PMSL Honey

I hope that from now on, if anyone annoys an MN-er, they will employ the term "Doing a Val"! :o :o