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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have REALLY told my DD off just now?

123 replies

ShanahansRevenge · 19/12/2010 17:41

She tood and watched her 2 year old sister pull and trash most of the decorations off the stair bannisters....they're ruined now and I stipidly feel somehow hurt.

I know they're kids...but I feel that the 6 year old knows better...I found them screwing things into the bin and laughing....the 6 year old says that the 2 year old pulled them off and tore them up...I don't understand why she would stand and watch!

I would NEVER have done that as child..I loved the decorations...it seems disrespectful and somehow awful to do what they did. It takes something way from it all for me...like they're just paper and not special things. I put a lot of effort into decorating...

I really told them off...and now DH is bathing them early.

I was washing up and never heard a thing..they had been alone for 10 minutes watching tv.

OP posts:

GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

independiente · 20/12/2010 11:14

Oh for goodness sake, don't be ridiculous. There's a world of difference between 2yr old - 6 yr old, and 6 yr old - 10 yr old! At 2, she has an awareness that what she's doing is naughty, but doesn't properly link actions to consequences. The 6 yr old definitely has a much better understanding of actions/consequences. If the 6 yr old is laughing along at the ripping up of the decorations, that is a higher level of intent than the 2 yr old is capable of. OP, YANBU.

ChippingIn · 20/12/2010 11:35

Some of you seem to be completely ignoring the fact that the 6 year old was also destroying the decorations - do you think that just the little one should be in trouble?

I'm the eldest too and I still resent being the one 'who should know better' - so it is something you have to watch out for, but in this instance, it is correct AND she not only stood by & watched, she joined in.

They both got told off, what more do you want?

Shanahan - you did the right thing! I think I'd leave this thread if I were you - you'll only blow a gasket explaining the same thing again and again :)

duchesse · 20/12/2010 12:13

Giddy- exactly. My younger sister had worked out by the age of 3 or 4 (I was 21 months older than her) that she could get me into random trouble whenever she liked. She used to pretend that I'd knocked her out (she was faking), tripped her up (she tripped herself up) and do all manner of devious crap. And yes to all your other points.

duchesse · 20/12/2010 12:15

From OP "She tood and watched her 2 year old sister pull and trash most of the decorations off the stair bannisters....they're ruined now and I stipidly feel somehow hurt.

I don't see where it says that the 6 yo was wrecking things as well. She just helped to bin them.

GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

independiente · 20/12/2010 17:16

Ok giddy. Will attempt to be clearer. This nonsense about the eternal 4 yr age gap always being an issue has nothing to do with THIS situation. In this situation (the only one the OP is flagging up!), the 2 yr old (according to the 6th old) tore down the decs herself while the 6 yr old watched. The OP then caught them BOTH laughing and chucking them in the bin.
In this situation, the 6 yr old (who must be allowed to have a greater knowledge of actions and consequence than a 2 yr old, surely!) is displaying behaviour more laden with intent than the 2 yr old. How else do you explain her a)laughing and b) not calling for mum?
Clearly, the younger child will have the same expectation of appropriate behaviour made of her when she is six (if not well before!). I think you are dragging your own hurt of being an older child into thus particular issue.

independiente · 20/12/2010 17:23

Also to imply that there's no difference between 2 and 6 yrs of age, and say 20 and 24 yrs if age, is just silly. Wrt the former, there's a huge difference, and less for two women on their twenties. Therefore expectations of maturity between the two sisters are different in those different decades too.

ChippingIn · 20/12/2010 17:38

Also the OP states that she is sure the two year old couldn't reach some of them, so is pretty sure the 6 year old must have been in on the 'tearing them down' stage as well. It is easy for the 6 year old to blame the 2 year old who isn't (yet) in much of a position to defend herself!

princessparty · 20/12/2010 18:35

Ds has a friend who is 15 and still gets in trouble for letting his 9 Yo brother be naughty.It's not fair the elder one is in a no-win situation

emy72 · 20/12/2010 18:42

I also have a 2 year old and a 6 year old so I am trying to think what I would have done.

I would have told them both off and asked my older DD why she hadn't fetched me. I must say this never happens in our house as my 6 year old always does shout as soon as one of the younger ones is in trouble/doing something naughty.

I can see why you are upset.

minipie · 20/12/2010 18:46

If you think the 6 year old was in on it in some way then YANBU.

If however you think the 6 year old just saw what the 2 year old did, then YABU to expect the 6 year old to stop the 2 year old or tell you.

I have a younger sister, and whenever I told her to stop doing something or "told on her" to our parents, she would hate me for it (and I can see why). Really not good for our relationship.

ElbowFan · 20/12/2010 19:05

OK, some decorations are down already - would they like to help you take the tree down, & show you the best method of trashing other ornamentation? If they don't want Christmas, so be it!
They were in the destruction together, so treat them equally. No-one gets the blame, but no-one gets to hide either. And I don't mean lets go for emotional blackmail, make them feel guilty for having done something they clearly enjoyed - just let them learn the consequences. All actions have a reaction. You've told them off, they know they've done wrong in your eyes and expectations. At that age YOU loved decorations, and would never have wrought such havoc - they clearly have no such appreciation, and no understanding of your feelings either. So prepare yourself to take the lot down and do without festive trimmings this year. They can then take the credit for the minimalist appearance whenever friends/family visit. Let that provoke their thoughts.

Hulababy · 20/12/2010 19:11

Please don't make your elder child responsible for a younger sibling. That simply is not fair. She didn't ask to be responsible for a child. You chose to have a child - the child is your responsibilty (and your partners) not hers. hate to hear that elder children are expected to suddenly grow up and act like mini adults just because they have a litle brother or sister. She is 6y, still very much a little girl.

Yes, ideally she should have shouted you. But for whatever reason she didn't. She didn;t damage the decoarations. the 2y did.

the 2y is a baby. Shehas no real understanding of right and wrong yet and won't for a while. Your 6y has only just really started to understand that properly.

But then a 2y needs supervising, and not by a 6y really.

EmmaBemma · 20/12/2010 19:16

get over yourself, Hulababy - the OP was washing up! Surely you know it is impossible to keep watch over a toddler 100% of the time.

she said she "really told them off", she didn't chain them up in the cellar and feed them gruel for a week. A little perspective needed here, I feel.

floridalover · 20/12/2010 19:21

YANBU children need boundaries. Watching her sister trash your decorations or joining in was wrong. By not telling her off you are giving off the wrong message - It is ok to be disrespectful to propery and it is ok to watch while someone else does this. Would it be ok to watch other kids bully? Although she is not responsible for her sisters behaviour she did have a responsibility to tell you.

Hulababy · 20/12/2010 19:30

I can have my own opionion on the responsibility bit thanks I don't need to get over myself. I know perfectly well what it is like to look after a child thanks.

I still remain adament that a 6y little girl should not be responsible for a 2y, full stop. I personally hate that older siblinmgs are often seen as having to be mini grown ups and take on responsibility for younger siblings. IMO (and I am entitled to that thanks) it is unfair for the older child to have to hold such responsibility.

Now obv if it turned out that both dd the damage, then yes, they should be in trouble. And yes, even if the 2y did it I was have still talked to the 6y about it and their inaction in not calling me. But to have really tod her off - based on the op I persoanlly feel it is a little unfair and overreaction.

Original poster

ShanahansRevenge · 20/12/2010 19:35

Ooh this really is the thread that won't die!

I am happy with what I did...end of story.

I would like to thank my Mum, my DH and my best friend for always being there...my MN compatriots for supporting me and of course my wonderful DCs..without whom none of this would have been possible.

Thank you! Mwah!

OP posts:

earwicga · 20/12/2010 19:38

ShanahansRevenge - You'll be pleased to know that I have let the old incontinent farm cat in today as well.

Fernie3 · 20/12/2010 19:42

Yanbu I can't understand why people think it is unreasonable for a 6 year old to shout "mum" when she sees a younger sibling damaging property.
I have 4 the oldest is 6. In this case i wouldn't have punished her for the damage if she didn't cause i would have punished her for not shouting for help when it was clearly needed.

Original poster

ShanahansRevenge · 22/12/2010 01:13

I am pleased about that Ear...the more the merrier..the thought of it does afford me some comfort.

I made the kids work down the Paper Chain Mine today...I was there cracking my whip...

"Stick faster you brats! Call that a paper chain!!?? Make it longer!"

Bannisters are now wreathed in them...not as posh as my others but definately more cheerful!

OP posts:

earwicga · 22/12/2010 20:40

I made my kids to out in zero degree weather and then made them go down a dangerous slope sitting on a piece of plastic. How I laughed...

Happy Christmas ShanahansRevenge, you proper amuse me

PrincessScrumpy · 22/12/2010 20:47

I really wouldn't even expect my 2-year-old to behave like that. Mind you she's very gentle. MIL suggested we would have to put the coffee table infront of the tree to stop her pulling the decorations off. We haven't had to as she hasn't touched them since we emphasised how special they are.

I don't have and angel child - but perhaps I have high standards. I would be cross with both of them. I would, tomorrow sit down with the 6-year-old and talk about Christmas and special things, other people's things etc and get her to say how she feels about the decorations - would she be sad if they weren't there etc. Not as a lecture, just as a chat. It will give you a chance to have a cuddle and not have it hanging over you over Christmas Day.

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