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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have REALLY told my DD off just now?

123 replies

ShanahansRevenge · 19/12/2010 17:41

She tood and watched her 2 year old sister pull and trash most of the decorations off the stair bannisters....they're ruined now and I stipidly feel somehow hurt.

I know they're kids...but I feel that the 6 year old knows better...I found them screwing things into the bin and laughing....the 6 year old says that the 2 year old pulled them off and tore them up...I don't understand why she would stand and watch!

I would NEVER have done that as child..I loved the decorations...it seems disrespectful and somehow awful to do what they did. It takes something way from it all for me...like they're just paper and not special things. I put a lot of effort into decorating...

I really told them off...and now DH is bathing them early.

I was washing up and never heard a thing..they had been alone for 10 minutes watching tv.

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/12/2010 01:22

Sounds like a joint effort. YANBU to be upset and tell them off.

Kids can be very fucking annoying.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 02:05

Well, I do think the OP was lucky the only thing the 2-year-old was doing was pulling down Christmas decorations. She could have been putting her head in the oven, sticking her fingers in the toaster or managing to open the door, get out and get run over by a car.

Let me see if I get this clear:

  1. You left your 6-year-old and 2-year-old unattended
  2. Your 2-year-old was playing with some Christmas decorations and broke them, as you would expect from a 2-year-old who is left unattended
  3. You tell off your 6-year-old, considering her responsible of it.

If your 2-year-old gets herself harmed or killed next time you leave her 6-year-old sister in her care, will you also blame the older one?

In my opinion, not only YABVU, but you have learned nothing out of this incident. I pity your DD1.

Morloth · 20/12/2010 02:27

LOL how many children do you have aurynne? I think it is none IIRC?

At some point parents have to pee/put a load of washing on/peel some spuds.

2 years old is old enough for a mild telling off along with seeing her mother upset at something she has done. It was naughty to trash the Christmas decorations, they should both be in the shit over it.

In her place I would do exactly what the OP has done. A telling off, a quick and very boring dinner, quick and equally boring bath and straight to bed, possibly if I was really upset no story which would ensure that my 6 year old never did it again.

My 6 year old DS often keeps an eye on his baby brother if I am having a shower or whatever, they are in a babyproofed room that I can hear them from. I don't expect DS1 to keep DS2 safe but I do expect him to yell for me if either of them is in any danger or doing something really naughty. This has been working so far so like the OP I would be pretty shocked and upset at the 6 year old's behaviour because he has demonstrated much better behaviour on a consistent basis. If he was at the more silly end of 6 then I wouldn't do it but he isn't so I would be quite disappointed if this went down in my house.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 02:46

Exactly, no children :)

It took 2 minutes of looking somewhere else for a NZ mum a couple of months ago, for her 2-year-old to get out in the rain and drown down a gutter. Coincidentally, the kid's older sister, who must have been about 6, was there too. Should she have been held responsible?

One of the reasons (many) I don't have kids... I would never want to have such an immense responsibility.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 02:50

Goodness, it was actually more than a year ago! Here it goes:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disappearance_of_Aisling_Symes

TechnoKitten · 20/12/2010 02:52

Oh heavens. I've left my 4 year old and my 3 year old "unattended" (i.e. playing in the lounge while I'm downstairs sorting laundry or in the kitchen cooking dinner) - and they both know better than to trash the place while I'm not looking! They also know not to put their fingers into doors, toasters, the knife block (which they could probably reach if they stood on the kitchen stool) and not to go outside without asking first.

OP, YANBU. In your place I'd have probably said it doesn't matter who started it, who finished it or who stood watching, they are equally culpable - the 2 year old is old enough to understand consequences of naughtiness and the 6 year old needs to know she can't shift blame onto the younger one. Early bath, light dinner with no pudding and bed. And in my house, it would have been no chocolate in the advent house the next day either. Probably wouldn't have gone as far as no story, depends on how much effort (time and money) went into the staircase decorations. I would have been fuming though.

TechnoKitten · 20/12/2010 02:58

And yes, it took less than 2 minutes for a child to escape. Over here (I am also in NZ) many of the sections aren't fully fenced. Mine is. It also takes less than a few minutes for a child to let go of a hand in a store, run off and be snatched. Or to let go of a hand in a road, run off and be run over. Or to wander into an unfamiliar garden at a birthday party and drown in the pond (and I have had to resuscitate more than one of these). Accidents happen and part of being a responsible parent is to recognise it, minimise it and teach children to learn to be responsible for themselves and how to manage risk. How else are they going to grow up?

Morloth · 20/12/2010 05:11

OP's 2 yo didn't drown, she was very naughty and aided and abetted by her big sister who should have known better (and almost certainly did - so she was naughty as well). Naughty kids are punished in my house. Sometimes even yelled at if I am upset by said naughtiness.

It is part and parcel of the learning process, I am hardly ever naughty these days and can be left on my own for hours at a time!

bahrainbabe · 20/12/2010 05:36

You are most def not been UR

I have 5 children and I expect the older ones to watch the younger ones while I am washing up, putting in washing etc.
Also, I think its good for them to see how much their actions upset you. I think I would have told them off, made them help tidy it up, bath them, bed and a chat about how it upset you etc.. if you have some spare cash then maybe go out and buy the same again and let them help putting it up so they might share some of the responsibility.
My 2 yr old keeps taking things off the tree and has broken a few things. I took things off on her level and let her help me putting them back on. I told her how clever she was etc.. she has not touched them since!!!!!

Good Luck

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/12/2010 05:51

Aurynne, is it your position that no child should ever be left 'unattended' - i.e., our of a caregiver's sight, for a two minute period?

OP, it sounds to me as if you were very invested in the decorations, and have overreacted in response to their destruction. You keep talking about at her age you'd have had respect, and understood they were precious, and it 'takes something away' from Christmas for you that your very young children didn't respect your work.

I think you're holding your six year old to a very, very high standard there, and it's worth thinking about how much of this issue is about you and not about her behaviour. I'm not saying that children shouldn't be told not to destroy decorations, of course. But what was probably a moment of glee, or a distracted impulse, seems to have become a deliberate mark of disrespect for you, thus ruining the magic of Christmas.

No child can live up to that. She's only six.

I'm also suspicious of anyone who can remember their own interior life as a small child so vividly.

Original poster
ShanahansRevenge · 20/12/2010 08:16

Aurynne...my doors are always locked...they're bolted high up as I have always been aware of kids escaping. I would love to know how DD could have stuck her head in the oven or her hand in the toaster since I was in the kitchen and she was in the hallway where there is a box of toys Xmas Hmm

It's a fact that at times parents need to prep food and do housework...as the DC don't always want to help...they have to learn some independance and to play alone.

What do you inagine happens when parents need to visit the loo? I certainly won't have hem in with me!

OP posts:
onceamai · 20/12/2010 08:36

OP YANBU. You have been exactly right to set some boundaries and your children are very lucky to have you. Partly for setting boundaries and partly for trying to make Christmas so special.

In their defense, the decs probably hadn't been around for very long and the dc might not have been totally aware of expectations. And I bet it was fun while it lasted - real, proper, naughty fun.

You aren't being unreasonable, they were naughty in a naughty way, ie, proving they are normal children.

In this house, we still laugh about the year when the dc were about 18 months and 5 and pulled the entire tree down on top of themselves. Thankfully not a bauble smashed and neither was hurt. I was furious and they were in bed at 5.30pm.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 08:37

Yep, I realize I have played drama queen here and given an example which is over the top. Sorry for that.

Goblinchild · 20/12/2010 08:37

That's why most of us have (or had) one room that was child proof for major hazards, so you can go to the loo without company.
I think it's very sad aurynne that you feel unable to cope with the idea of having children because of the responsibilities involved, although if you don't feel you can cope, it might be the best choice for you.

aurynne · 20/12/2010 09:09

As I said, there are many reasons I don't want children, and actually the main one is because I lack the desire for them (I believe if you have children, it has to be because you REALLY want them). It is not sad not to have something you don't want :)

Goblinchild · 20/12/2010 09:11

Smile agreed.

GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 09:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

duchesse · 20/12/2010 09:23

I always took the blame for everything wrong that my 4 younger siblings did. Basically everyone in my family blamed me for everything throughout my childhood. I had no childhood to speak of. I now have a very strained relationship with my parents and couldn't even talk to my siblings for the first ten years of my adult life.

I now see my sister repeating that pattern with her children and it breaks my heart for my gorgeous eldest nephew.

FFS, the 2 yo was doing the damage, why blame her sister? Say to the older one: "If you see her doing things that you think look naughty, please come and fetch me", and tell the little one off, not the older one.

wahwahwah · 20/12/2010 09:26

All kids encourage their younger siblings to do naughty things then step back to watch the scoldings. I know my big sister did!

Well, DS managed to knock over the chirstmas tree this morning. His bloody helicopter (which we both told him NOT to fly alone as it is bloody difficult to control) crached through it and landed behind the new tv. How the telly didn't crash over too, I will never know!

I yelled. Oh how I yelled.

GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 09:27

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wahwahwah · 20/12/2010 09:32

I always got merry hell for whatever I was encouraged to do by my big sister - and also whatever she did (she was never ever told off). Even when I was tiny I realised the unfairness of it and it made me have dreadful tantrums.

I destinctively remember many instances (her cutting the heads off all the flowers in the rose garden, seeing if the cat could swim in the pool, brushing the dogs teeth, breaking the window with a golf ball, paining the stone floor with red gloss paint...) that I got into Big Trouble for. I'm not scarred emotionally, obviously!

Megatron · 20/12/2010 10:05

A bit unreasonable I think. Yes it was wrong etc and they should be told so but I think you need to give your older DD a break. If she's anything like mine at this time of the year, she'll be exhausted, excited and maybe just didn't feel like telling tales.

Original poster
ShanahansRevenge · 20/12/2010 10:09

The 6 year old did get a worse telling off...they were both told off....but the 6 year old KNOWS that you don't destry Christmas decorations ffs.

The 2 year old was spoken to sternly and also put to bed early.

I then spoke t both to explain why we don't wreck things.

Although I cannot ever know who did most damage...it's fair to say that at 6 my older DD knew better.

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 20/12/2010 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wahwahwah · 20/12/2010 10:21

I was still getting 'YOU should know better' when she was 17 (and had a wild party when mum and dad went on holiday and trashed the house). I was away on a school trip at the time!