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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or unfair, or is DP thoughtless and selfish?

99 replies

LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 15:55

I'm really tired right now which is probably clouding my judgement, but I am feeling so upset and annoyed by my DP I'm almost starting to wonder if he is the kind of man I should be marrying.

I've been away with DD (22 mo) staying with family in Shropshire, DP stayed at home as he couldn't get time off work. I was pretty cut off up there with no phone signal or internet access so on Friday evening when we heard of the bad weather coming the next day I called him.

He was out and I asked when he'd be up in the morning (yesterday), he said early doors as he has to go Christmas shopping (he hasn't bought any presents at all yet). I said I'd call him first thing to find out the weather report at his end as I was driving back. I also mentioned that I hadn't been able to do the Ocado shop as I'd had no internet access (usually use iphone) so I'd have to do a quick shop before we headed to the party we were supposed to go to last night.

Anyway, I called him twice yesterday morning to find out what the weather was saying, as the reports in Shropshire and on the national news didn't mention anything about the M1 at all. It seemed from the weather reports I was just about going to miss the snow but I wanted to know what the report was for the SE.

Anyway, both times (9am and 10.30am) he was still in bed. Actually had a go at me because I was annoyed with him as he'd said he would check.

I decided to leave at midday as planned, and lo and behold hit bad weather. He called me about 2 hours into my journey to tell me that the reports in SE were awful, don't travel etc. Too late to turn back as the traffic was queuing in the other direction, so I had to carry on. Long story short, got almost stranded on the M1, skidding around etc, luckily got a hotel and stayed the night. Got no sleep due to sharing a bed with DD. DP, however, went to the party and had a great time, still texting me at midnight with photos of them having fun and asking me for party game idea. Thanks for that Hmm

Called him 8am to get him to check the weather/traffic again, and headed home.

Spoke to him an hour from home and told him where I was.

Get home, ring him to get help with DD and bags out of car; 'oh sorry I'm just in the bath'. Good timing.

Get in. No housework done. Bed not made. No food in the house. DP obviously just got up.

I just burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour to have a soak in the bath.

I feel so let down and hurt. It just seems completely and utterly thoughtless. If it had been the other way round I would have felt so bad for him, made sure I'd been shopping in the morning and had some yummy warm food cooking for his return, house tidy so we could just chill and relax for the rest of the day. Instead he just seemed to have got pissed and had lie ins all weekend.

And to top it all off, my plant is dead as he hasn't watered it once.

We seem to have the same conversation at regular intervals, I'm upset because of his lack of thought in various situations, he gets angry and denies he is in the wrong, I get more upset before he realises he has messed up, he apologises and promises he will be better and it won't happen again. Until the next time.

So, AIBU and too hard on him, or is it actually not too much to expect looking after a bit at times like this?

OP posts:
MsFC · 19/12/2010 15:58

YADNBU. I would have gone POTTY. To have managed to just have a bath & keep out of his way was very restrained IMO....

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:00

Actually MsFC I failed to add I've had a massive go at him. He hasn't apologised though and he thinks IABU and he's done nothing wrong...

OP posts:
Tori27 · 19/12/2010 16:01

I would be fuming - is he apologetic? If not I'd write him a list of why I'm upset and make it clear I want a huge apology - housework done and dinner cooked as a start to making it up to me! Good luck x

Rebeccash · 19/12/2010 16:01

I would have killed him yanbu

chrimblycompo · 19/12/2010 16:02

Tbh the snow came on really quickly inthe southeast
it was fine in the morning btw 1pm and 4pm everything went crazy so he couldn't have predicted that
he maybe couldn't get out to do the shopping , or was hungover ? If it's just this once I wouldn't be livid tbh

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 19/12/2010 16:03

he is very selfish and yanbu

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 16:04

YANBU

and if this selfish behaviour was the norm for him, I too would be questionning if spending the rest of my life with someone so self-entitled was really what I wanted..

he hasn't even apologised and thinks he did no wrong ?

oh dear

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:06

There is a shop just up the road so no excuses (he is there now as I've sent him out with DD to get some time alone)

He didn't get out of bed until at least 11:30 so that leads me to the conclusion of hangover (or laziness)

it's just a collection of minor incidents, that as one offs I'd forgive, but it just seems like once he has appeased me he thinks he doesn't have to make an effort any more.

I'm so fed up of either having to drum my point in to him, or to keep quiet for an easy life but continue to do everything and pick up the pieces around him.

He just says he tries but he doesn't think of things (i.e. getting food in, watering plants) naturally like I do. To me, that is a really lame excuse

OP posts:
hatesponge · 19/12/2010 16:07

He's a bit of a twat.

My Ex would have done the same, although to make matters worse, if I came in and complained there was no food, would have said to me well, you've just been out you should have got some on the way home Hmm Angry

YANBU and I agree you have been v restrained.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:09

AF he will apologise and be really nice for a while when he sees how mad I am when DD is in bed. But I know that a similar situation will arise.

He is good in many ways (esp when it comes to DD) but I feel like I have to do the thinking for both of us when it comes to organising our lives. I literally have to tell him everything he needs to do down to the finest detail.

It's tiring.

OP posts:
Truckulent · 19/12/2010 16:09

Could you have driven home Friday?

But then again there was no snow forecast here friday or saturday and we had shedloads both days and it came down very quick must have caught a lot of people out.

christmasheave · 19/12/2010 16:12

YANBU - I got stranded in snow and DH had tidied house, prepared dinner and looked after both DCs for 2 days. He then followed it up by carrying on looking after DCs while I went to bed early and had a lie in.

Thats what decent people do. Your OH sounds like a selfish twat.

Petsville · 19/12/2010 16:13

YANBU - am quite annoyed on your behalf. "Not thinking of things" is classic entitled male behaviour - i.e. "I don't have to think of all this domestic trivia, because a woman will sort it all out for me." A man who was worth your time wouldn't have a pattern of behaviour like this - if he did it once, he'd learn from it and not do it again. In a parallel situation, DH would have done everything that needed to be done (and probably checked in with me that he hadn't missed anything as well). That's not because he's unusual, it's because he's a loving partner who wouldn't want to make my life more difficult than it need be.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:13

Truck I REALLY wish I had, but the all the reports showed the snow wasn't going to reach the area that I was driving through so it wasn't until fairly late on Friday I started to get concerned TBH.

It was fine until I literally hit a blizzard.

I'm not annoyed that he didn't predict the weather, perhaps even if he had checked early on it wouldn't have shown anything. But it would have been nice if he'd tried.

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 19/12/2010 16:14

Don't marry him. You will regret it. Can you imagine honestly spending the whole of the rest of your life
with him? The point I left my ex (due to similar issues and some) was when the thought of that made
me feel sick.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:16

christmasheave that's what I had convinced myself DP would have done for me. Which was probably why I was so bitterly disappointed when I got home!

And Petsville you are right it's not unusual.I think I need to show him this thread so perhaps he gets why I'm quite so upset.

OP posts:
christmasheave · 19/12/2010 16:20

LittlePickleHead - I wish your OH had done it as well. It made what was a hellish 14 hour journey - which normally would have taken 50-60 mins - bearable.

I'm livid on your behalf.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 16:23

Brill - and now he's just had a go at me because DD is constipated. Because it's obviously something I've done wrong (actually it probably is the crap we've both had to eat due to being stuck in the car and DD refusing any of the fruit I'd packed).

Not looking forward to our talk tonight...

OP posts:
Muser · 19/12/2010 16:24

I'd have gone ballistic.

I attempted to go and visit my sister yesterday but got stuck due to the snow. Didn't even make it out of London, was on the train so nowhere near as nightmarish as yours.

We had no food in the house. DH went out and bought stuff to get us through the weekend, so neither of us would have to go out in the snow. He tidied the house while I was out, as we're having people coming to measure up for carpet next week. Finally, he hung all the washing up. Then he lazed around and played computer games all afternoon.

That's what grown ups do. It drives me absolutely potty when people say things like "oh I don't notice when X,Y,Z needs doing". GROW UP! You will notice if you start paying attention. Stop behaving like a child whose mum will do it all for them and act like an adult.

It just makes me so angry! I'd be fuming in your position. Definitely not being unreasonable.

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 19/12/2010 16:34

Ah the having a go at you about something that cannot possibly be your fault, the monumental selfishness and self entitlement, this sounds more serious than a bit of thoughtlessness and I suspect this will become apparent as the thread moves on.

GlitteryBalls · 19/12/2010 16:35

I would feel exactly the same as you. YANBU. BUT, I could all to imagine my dp being EXACTLY the same in this situation, and he is not a bad bloke, in fact he's quite a good one. I will get flamed for saying this, but this is just all too typical bloke behaviour. BUT you still have every right to be upset. IME getting angry doesn't help. I tend to just let my dp know how upset I am. Cry if you have to/want to. Explain to him how scary/stressful it was getting stuck and that you feel a bit let down that you were put in that position in the first place due to him not warning you. And that coming home to the chaos made things ten times worse. Then politely/calmly ask him if he wouldn't mind straightening out (or at least HELPING) the house and going out to get some bits in as you had hoped he would have done this already and you need a rest after not getting much sleep etc at the hotel. If he doesn't apologise or agree to this then he really is a bit of a shit. But I suspect he won't find this unreasonable at all (well, he'll probably get defensive at first as he'll realise he was wrong and will feel guilty - but once he's had time to think about it a bit...). Sometimes you just need to spell it out to them unfortunately...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 16:41

but this is just all too typical bloke behaviour.

no, it isn't, it is the behaviour of a selfish person

and having to constantly remind someone/calmly spell it out to them how to just be a normal loving partner will get very old after a while

especially if he gives an empty apology and then just carries on making a mug of you

actions not words

Truckulent · 19/12/2010 16:45

As you're not married it makes the finances trickier, so I'd check your situation before you move too quickly if things are that bad.

ChippingIn · 19/12/2010 16:55

GlitteryBalls - how long do you plan on doing that for? The rest of your life??

LittlePickle - when are you meant to be getting married? I have lived with men like that before - but didn't marry them and learned along the way that they don't change - they don't suddenly become adult/caring/supportive people. If you can accept him acting like a petulant child for the rest of your life then marry him - if this is not what you want for the rest of your life - sort out how you can separate out your lives. He can still be a good Dad to DD, without living with you - however, I maintain that a man that treats his partner badly (or not well at least) isn't being a good Dad.

ChippingIn · 19/12/2010 17:01

Also, she's 22 months, as sad as it will be for you, this is a much better age for you to each go your own way than at any other time in her young life. It will have the least impact it will ever have, on her, for you to do it now.

I know he's not being nearly as awful as a lot of men posted about on here, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone so self centered, childish and uncaring. I just wouldn't do it.

As for blaming you for DD being constipated, kids get constipated that's life. You fed her what you had in the car, if he'd bothered his arse to do what he said he'd do, it might have been avoided. It may not have, but he didn't even care enough about you travelling in yesterdays weather to do what he could to check it out??? He didn't have a lovely meal ready for you both when you came in - it is just as much his doing as yours if he wants to apportion blame (to something that is actually very blameless). GIT.