AIBU or unfair, or is DP thoughtless and selfish?

[LittlePickleHead]

I'm really tired right now which is probably clouding my judgement, but I am feeling so upset and annoyed by my DP I'm almost starting to wonder if he is the kind of man I should be marrying.

I've been away with DD (22 mo) staying with family in Shropshire, DP stayed at home as he couldn't get time off work. I was pretty cut off up there with no phone signal or internet access so on Friday evening when we heard of the bad weather coming the next day I called him.

He was out and I asked when he'd be up in the morning (yesterday), he said early doors as he has to go Christmas shopping (he hasn't bought any presents at all yet). I said I'd call him first thing to find out the weather report at his end as I was driving back. I also mentioned that I hadn't been able to do the Ocado shop as I'd had no internet access (usually use iphone) so I'd have to do a quick shop before we headed to the party we were supposed to go to last night.

Anyway, I called him twice yesterday morning to find out what the weather was saying, as the reports in Shropshire and on the national news didn't mention anything about the M1 at all. It seemed from the weather reports I was just about going to miss the snow but I wanted to know what the report was for the SE.

Anyway, both times (9am and 10.30am) he was still in bed. Actually had a go at me because I was annoyed with him as he'd said he would check.

I decided to leave at midday as planned, and lo and behold hit bad weather. He called me about 2 hours into my journey to tell me that the reports in SE were awful, don't travel etc. Too late to turn back as the traffic was queuing in the other direction, so I had to carry on. Long story short, got almost stranded on the M1, skidding around etc, luckily got a hotel and stayed the night. Got no sleep due to sharing a bed with DD. DP, however, went to the party and had a great time, still texting me at midnight with photos of them having fun and asking me for party game idea. Thanks for that

Called him 8am to get him to check the weather/traffic again, and headed home.

Spoke to him an hour from home and told him where I was.

Get home, ring him to get help with DD and bags out of car; 'oh sorry I'm just in the bath'. Good timing.

Get in. No housework done. Bed not made. No food in the house. DP obviously just got up.

I just burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour to have a soak in the bath.

I feel so let down and hurt. It just seems completely and utterly thoughtless. If it had been the other way round I would have felt so bad for him, made sure I'd been shopping in the morning and had some yummy warm food cooking for his return, house tidy so we could just chill and relax for the rest of the day. Instead he just seemed to have got pissed and had lie ins all weekend.

And to top it all off, my plant is dead as he hasn't watered it once.

We seem to have the same conversation at regular intervals, I'm upset because of his lack of thought in various situations, he gets angry and denies he is in the wrong, I get more upset before he realises he has messed up, he apologises and promises he will be better and it won't happen again. Until the next time.

So, AIBU and too hard on him, or is it actually not too much to expect looking after a bit at times like this?

Thanks for all the replies since I disappeared. Been talking on and off for hours and I'm now I'm in bed exhausted and upset. He just doesn't seem to get what the problem is and we've gone round and round in circles. He kept saying the house was tidy, but I had to point out the bins needed emptying and the bathroom needed cleaning and the washing needed doing. When I asked him if be thought these things didn't count or he thought he'd still leave it to me because he wanted to stay in bed, his reply was that he hasn't had a lie in for years. Apart from that not being true as I've been away with dd before many times, it's also so hurtful as it is obvious it didn't even cross his mind to think how I'd be feeling when i eventually got home. The most important thing was obviously his sleep. And he's had the nerve to complain about how tired he is today.

He keeps saying he doesn't want to lose me, but is still refusing to accept any responsibility or acknowledge he could have done more.

Not sure what to do now. Not ideal right before Christmas.

Oh, and I told him of this thread and asked him to read it, he refused. Didnt actually come out and say anything about mumsnetters but was very scornful when he said 'oh, mumsnet'

I am cheered somewhat with the latter posters piling in to say it is totally not on to excuse men out of any domestic responsibilty by virtue of the fact they possess a penis

Not so cheered by OP's latest updates though

sorry, pickle, you have a twat-and-a-half on your hands there

of course he doesn't want to lose his cosy family set-up, even though he doesn't want to take any part in maintaining it

Does he realise you're seriously rethinking this relationship? It sounds to me like you are, so why not say it to him. Not in an angry way, but in the same sad resigned way your recent posts have been.

I agree that people should not have to be trained, but then again, people can change if they want to. If you honestly say to him that you frankly do not want to spend your life picking up after him, reminding him to do all the things he needs to do, chiding him when he doesn't do them and generally being the wife-servant that Ephiny so eloquently described, then he might rethink his scorn and derision for you.

Or not. Better to learn now than later, however painful it might be.

Oh little pickle I feel for you. I can't believe he wasn't worried about you driving in that weather. I was worried sick about my dp and he was just doing what is usually a 30min drive and without a baby!

Your fella does seem to be being a bit insensitive and selfish. He obviously took the opportunity for some 'me time' and didn't consider you or any jobs that might need doing. Is he always like that though, or is it a one off? He's obviously being a bit stubborn about this or he'd apologise, you need to let him know how seriously you feel about it.

It's not even about the housework though is it - maybe that's where your conversation is stalling. I think the bottom line is 'he didn't care about you and DD' He didn't even get out of bed to check the weather to see if it was safe for you to travel, he wasn't worried about you, he didn't look after you when you got home, he didn't make it welcoming when you got home - it was all me me me me me making you feel neglected and unloved again.

Chippingin is bang on the money, op

I'd be feeling just as unloved and unimportant in your shoes

How old is your DP, by the way? Because he sounds about 14, tbh

SOooo,

you were away with family, you spoke to him and tld him that you would ring in the morning for a weather update. he said he would be awake cos he had xmas shpping to do.

but he overslept.

this was simply a matter of him oversleeping me thinks.

yes that then meant that you ended up in bad weather and spent the night in a hotel.

this is unfortunate - but he overslept. he didn't puposely withhold this information from you

he had a lie in, the first one hes had in months you say - i think this is perfectly reasnable. the circumstances which you then found yourself in were horrible. But that wasn't his fault. it was just what it is. shit happens.

so whilst you are at this hotel, he then goes to the party.

you are understandably fucked off you couldn't go to the party, you have presumably been in bad traffic with horrible weather with a small child and you were probably scared.

that's afwul.

but what was he supposed to do? stay at home and wait for you? so he went to the party whilst you were in the hotel.

thats not a big deal either.

sooooooo,

i drive a 600 mile round trip to see family and if i get hme and the hosue is a hole, i will rip dh and the kids a new one. i'm not shitting you.

so i had sympathy on this point, the thoughtlessnes..

however you later went on to say, that the house was tidy, but he didn't clean the bathroom or do the washing.

if i read that right, i lost sympathy for you then. becuase we aren't talking shithole.

then you get home, hes int he bath and can't help you.

annoying but unfrtunate.

this all ends up with you being tired, upset having a horrible journey... but not anyones fault.

it is what it is, and i don't think he has need to apologise tbh.

AND, may i say that if i had a small baby and had an idea the weather was going to turn bad, so much so that i arranged to call my dh about it, i would have gone to the library, sought out a family friend with the internet or gone to an internet cafe...driven to a place where the internet connection to my phone worked. It was your responsability to plan your journey with your child.

i think you should just put it down to experience and carry on.

Custytrollpants...

'i drive a 600 mile round trip to see family and if i get hme and the hosue is a hole, i will rip dh and the kids a new one. i'm not shitting you.'

Do you do this in the style of Clint Easwood in Dirty Harry?

This isn't about whether you love each other. Teenagers angst over who fancies who, young adults angst over who's "in love" with who.

Mature adults show consideration for each other, regardless of lust or love. What you're upset about is that none of his behaviour showed any consideration for you at all. And this isn't on.

I don't agree with the "typical blokey" behaviour stories either; my OH would never do something like that. I've been very late driving back (from his mother's) once with appalling weather and he instructed me to call him at every checkpoint - if I missed one he was going to get the AA to rescue me. When I got home it was to a clean house with a chinese takeaway keeping warm in the oven and a bath run ready for me. He took our son and played with him for an hour while I recovered and then we had a lovely dinner together.

This is typical blokey behaviour! It shows adult, mature consideration for the feelings of a partner. Isn't that what you deserve?

Sorry - on re-reading I sound unbearably smug. I'm not! I just wanted to point out that not all men are thoughtless selfish bastards, you shouldn't just expect crap from a partner because he's a bloke and maybe you need yours to grow up a bit.

Sounds like he's a thoughtless schmuck. Why would you want to marry someone who has no respect for your needs and feelings. If you talking to him doesn't help, perhaps some counselling so he can hear it from an unbiased third party.

My best friend's husband is an ass like this as well. She just took a trip to Indiana (lives in Arizona) for four days to see her grandmother. He stayed at home and kept the kids and when she got home, nothing was done (laundry, cleaning, etc). He then had the nerve to tell her that he's not obligated to do anything around the house. I told her he was a fucker and the next time he wants to have sex to let him know she's not obligated to make his dick happy. He does bullshit like this all the time and she just puts up with it. Baffles me.

As for GlitterBalls saying that this is typical bloke behaviour, no it's not. My DH helps out all the time. He cooks, he cleans, he takes care of the kids, he does the shopping. And I don't have to harp on him to do any of it.

I should also add that my friend rarely gets to go anywhere without the kids as she is a SAHM, and he thinks he's a prince because he let's her have 3pm-8pm on Thursdays to herself.

Custy thank you so much for your input, I do appreciate hearing the other point of view. You are basically summing up what DP has said to me.

My points to him have been, yes, I should have done more myself to find out about the weather. However, when he told me on Friday night that he would look up the information from his end in the morning, I believed him. I was fairly remote and so thought it would be easier that way. What you are basically saying is to accept I cannot rely on him as he may fail to wake up which is not his fault (btw he has regular lie ins, generally once a week, though I do make him get up at 9am so we at least get to do something together as a family!)

Going to the party, I absolutely agreed with, of course he should go. To text me late at night when he knows I am sharing a room with DD, with silly photos and requests for games ideas seems quite thoughtless, that's why I was annoyed.

As for the house - it was him that said it was tidy - it wasn't! He had been on his own since Tuesday, and it was quite clear all he had done was washed up the dishes after himself. Bed unmade, clothes on the floor, dead leaves all over the carpet from my plant he had failed to water, kitchen floor covered in bits of food he'd failed to sweep. Add to that all the other bits of housework (washing, bathroom etc) that have kindly been left for me, which supposedly he doesn't have to consider doing. It just didn't even cross him mind. To him the house was fine, because he is happy to live like that.

There was no food for DDs lunch when we got back, the milk was also off. His excuse, he didn't realise.

And for me to call and say I'm an hour away from home, and for him to choose an hours time to then get up and have a bath, just topped it off.

I know he isn't the spawn of satan, but I also feel even more sure today I shouldn't be excusing all of this. Yes, he may truly have not realised that any of these things should be done, but surely part of running a house and being in a relationship is taking the time to check that there is food, plants are watered, there are enough clean clothes etc? And surely knowing that your partner has had an awful time you would want to do everything possible to make her homecoming as lovely and welcoming as possible?

In his defence, he did book the hotel for me on Saturday and was quite clearly worried.

Oh, and mad he is mid 30s so old enough to know better!

LPH...the way you sum it up in your last post, IMO, is fair and balanced

You are right not to dismiss his selfishness as "just because he is a man"

because that would imply "because you are a woman" you could and should have been there for your partner

responsibility for nurturing a relationship (in this instance it would have involved using some of his ample free time to make the house welcoming for you after your nightmare trip) should be equally-shared

no, he isn't "the spawn of Satan" but he has behaved like a selfish twat and his stubborn-ness in refusing to accept he could and should have done better would really grate on me

LPH - your post at 9.39 really sums it up fairly. If this is what you have said to him and he can't see it - then I don't know what you can do really, but as AF says, you are right not to dismiss his behaviour because 'he's a man'. All of the points you make are very valid.

Reading this again - why did you feel you had to sort out the food shopping on the way back? He sounded like he had plenty of time to at least! And knowing you were then stuck in a hotel, you would have thought a supportive partner would fit that in even though he went to the party.

Sounds like you are very used to sorting things out and he's very used to letting you do that. I have done it myself - I'd think it's easier to do it myself, or I prefer my standards of cooking/food shopping etc - but I've had to learn to let go and accept that it might not be perfect, but at least I'm getting help!

I guess one thing you could do in future is try saying "It would be really nice if the house was tidy and we had some nice food in the house for when we get back" - some people do really need it spelling out until they get into the habit. Then if you did ask outright, and he still let you down, that would give you more insight into things.

I think it's very odd to rely on him to tell you whether to travel. I might say 'I'll speak to you in the morning' but if I found myself having a lie-in, I wouldn't expect my husband to ring up being cross as I hadn't checked the internet for him before 9 am, I would expect him to sort out his own journey really. I would ring him to check he was ok,though.

I also agree there's a big difference in a trashed house, and a house with a few leaves on the floor. Perhaps he just had a day off, had a night out, and doing bloody housework wasn't his priority at that point. Sometimes I have days like that and if my husband came in and had a go at me, I would be very upset.

Yes, you are right, a woman probably would have got up, tidied up and done housework, cooked a delicious meal and done all the shopping, taking no time out for herself. Then got very upset that this was unappreciated. Sometimes women are a bit martyrish about putting others first all the time. I don't think a lie-in and a lazy weekend are a bad thing, as long as he's not always like this.

But, if you want to jack in your future marriage and any relationship with the father of your child for some leaves on the floor and a grubby bathroom, go right ahead!

I tend to agree one cornetto. Admittedly I would have been as pissed off as the OP but I would not have ended a marriage/relationship over it. I'd have let him know I was pissed off/upset though. He obviously just didn't think, though he should be made aware that his behaviour upset someone. I am not perfect and behave badly in my own way sometimes. I expect my dp to put up with me sometimes and accept that I am not perfect just in the same way I accept his minor faults. Generally he is very considerate but sometimes he isn't and does something that inadvertantly upsets me. As long as he realises and apologises and at least tries to behave differently in the future it's better just to let it go. I'd rather that than be a single parent or with an abusive partner tbh. x

And for the record I have killed several plants that my DP has bought for me as presents as I forget to water them. My DP just laughs at me and says he hopes I will look after our DCs better...

I agree up to a point because I think everyone occasionally does something inconsiderate or that upsets/annoys their partner, it's inevitable in a long-term relationship. But it sounds like this is just one example of something that happens regularly, and that he can't understand or won't admit that he's done anything wrong, never mind apologising and trying to do differently in future.

So no it wouldn't be reasonable to end a marriage/relationship over this one incident but it would IMO be reasonable to consider whether you want to stay with a partner who repeatedly behaves selfishly and doesn't see anything wrong with that, and just doesn't seem to care much about you generally.
And I think the very fact that this is making the OP question 'if he is the kind of man I should be marrying' implies it's more like the last straw rather than a one-off.

For those suggesting she was expecting too much - there is a child in this equation to consider.

At the very least, he should have got some decent food in so the daughter could have her lunch (the OP said he didn't realise she would need anything!) and anything else that might be important for her welfare on returning home. That's just good parenting.

And how was she meant to work out her travel plans exactly? She said she didn't have a signal for her phone or internet access. Planning your travel by news on the radio or TV isn't as easy to do.

My DP was helping me with travel plans when I was stuck thousands of miles away and my flights kept getting canceled. He was a gem.

has anybody actually come right out and said "leave him immediately" ?

no

have some people said "if this a pattern of behaviour, he will not change and perhaps you are right to consider your long-term future with him" ?

yes

there is a difference

LPH is questioning if this is the kind of man she should be marrying, that and other comments certainly indicate this is not a one off and so yes, I do think she should consider whether marriage is a good idea or not. If his attitude to her is one she wants to live with her whole life - better to consider it before than regret it afterwards - no? No one else has said 'Leave him'.

Yes we can all be inconsiderate at times but if it is continual and he doesn't learn from things he does that are thoughtless/inconsiderate/selfish then I would be considering if I wanted to spend my life with him - if someone makes you feel unloved, not cared about and as if you really don't matter why would you choose to marry them?

Nothing in the house for their child to eat, no milk for their child - shop only down the road, house a mess, an hours warning they would be home and he spends it in bed, getting into the bath as they arrive home... I'm not sure in whose book this is acceptable, bloody well not mine!

It is not about this one incident!!