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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or unfair, or is DP thoughtless and selfish?

99 replies

LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2010 15:55

I'm really tired right now which is probably clouding my judgement, but I am feeling so upset and annoyed by my DP I'm almost starting to wonder if he is the kind of man I should be marrying.

I've been away with DD (22 mo) staying with family in Shropshire, DP stayed at home as he couldn't get time off work. I was pretty cut off up there with no phone signal or internet access so on Friday evening when we heard of the bad weather coming the next day I called him.

He was out and I asked when he'd be up in the morning (yesterday), he said early doors as he has to go Christmas shopping (he hasn't bought any presents at all yet). I said I'd call him first thing to find out the weather report at his end as I was driving back. I also mentioned that I hadn't been able to do the Ocado shop as I'd had no internet access (usually use iphone) so I'd have to do a quick shop before we headed to the party we were supposed to go to last night.

Anyway, I called him twice yesterday morning to find out what the weather was saying, as the reports in Shropshire and on the national news didn't mention anything about the M1 at all. It seemed from the weather reports I was just about going to miss the snow but I wanted to know what the report was for the SE.

Anyway, both times (9am and 10.30am) he was still in bed. Actually had a go at me because I was annoyed with him as he'd said he would check.

I decided to leave at midday as planned, and lo and behold hit bad weather. He called me about 2 hours into my journey to tell me that the reports in SE were awful, don't travel etc. Too late to turn back as the traffic was queuing in the other direction, so I had to carry on. Long story short, got almost stranded on the M1, skidding around etc, luckily got a hotel and stayed the night. Got no sleep due to sharing a bed with DD. DP, however, went to the party and had a great time, still texting me at midnight with photos of them having fun and asking me for party game idea. Thanks for that

Called him 8am to get him to check the weather/traffic again, and headed home.

Spoke to him an hour from home and told him where I was.

Get home, ring him to get help with DD and bags out of car; 'oh sorry I'm just in the bath'. Good timing.

Get in. No housework done. Bed not made. No food in the house. DP obviously just got up.

I just burst into tears and locked myself in the bathroom for an hour to have a soak in the bath.

I feel so let down and hurt. It just seems completely and utterly thoughtless. If it had been the other way round I would have felt so bad for him, made sure I'd been shopping in the morning and had some yummy warm food cooking for his return, house tidy so we could just chill and relax for the rest of the day. Instead he just seemed to have got pissed and had lie ins all weekend.

And to top it all off, my plant is dead as he hasn't watered it once.

We seem to have the same conversation at regular intervals, I'm upset because of his lack of thought in various situations, he gets angry and denies he is in the wrong, I get more upset before he realises he has messed up, he apologises and promises he will be better and it won't happen again. Until the next time.

So, AIBU and too hard on him, or is it actually not too much to expect looking after a bit at times like this?

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 19/12/2010 17:40

I agree with hec, she sums it up very well

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 17:47

Oh bollocks.
Just wrote fulsome reply but lost it.

This isn't bloke behaviour. I find that suggestion pretty offensive.

My dh would be anxious to help, concerned for my comfort and safety and that of our child. He would not be lying around like a useless lump of fuck.

I am faintly annoyed that you are questioning if you are being unfair. Of course you are not.
I would rip dh a new one if he behaved like that. But then he wouldn't because he loves me more than he likes being a selfish cock.

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 17:50

Agree with pagwatch. It is not 'bloke behaviour' - it is selfish bloke/woman behaviour.

Definitely needs sorting out now.

Limara · 19/12/2010 17:51

''So, AIBU and too hard on him, or is it actually not too much to expect looking after a bit at times like this?""

Uh No!

Agree with Hec.

If he were mine, I'd have thrown a few fucks into him but you get the picture.

If you normally give into him at the point of him not apologising, do something different this time and stand your ground. Make your point that he was selfish and uncaring.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 17:53

Well, you know, what can anyone say?

You have the life you are prepared to accept. It's in your hands.

That sounds really hard. It's just the facts, plain and simple.

It's all on you.

Decide.

Truckulent · 19/12/2010 17:56

Hec- that sounds really dramatic, like 'This is your mission should you choose to accept it'

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 17:59

sorry.

It's true though I think.

Just my opinion. I am sure many would disagree.

shatteredmumsrus · 19/12/2010 18:01

if my partner had done the housework id faint so yours must do it sometimes. Dont be too mad at him.

Truckulent · 19/12/2010 18:02

Sorry.

I reckon I've got cabin fever, carry on.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 19/12/2010 18:03

No. I'm done now.

This post will self destruct in 10 seconds...

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 18:04

Really? You have a dh who does no housework ever? Even if you are not there?

Really ?

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 18:09

iamnotreallysure · 19/12/2010 18:13

LPH

YANBU

He needs training in the responsibilities of modern partnership / marriage - many of us men need this (many men do not get this training because our mothers never did it and single life doesn't really require it) - but if he doesn't want to be trained (because he likes the way you will assume all responsibility) then you need to move on or accept that (in part) you are a mother replacement (with additional benefits for him).

He either accepts that you are not his mother but his partner or you should probably (and sadly because of his other strengths) move on - no re-training = no change.

Firawla · 19/12/2010 18:17

yadnbu it is v selfish and inconsiderate, extremely annoying
but my dh is the same really in a lot of ways, i think with a lot of men its typical, just v thoughtless as opposed to purposely being useless but yes it is extremely extremely irritating and yanbu to be pissed off with him

Jux · 19/12/2010 18:18

I would start with that excuse that he doesn't think of things naturally like you do. Does he think that a vagina = ability to think? Tell him to grow up.

Truckulent · 19/12/2010 18:18

I don't buy this having to be trained or typical man stuff. Sorry.

SuchProspects · 19/12/2010 18:19

shattered - if you are prepared to live with someone who does no housework no wonder you are shattered.

OP - The idea you should be grateful because a man does some housework is absurd. Don't buy into that world view, it's corrosive. YANBU

FrostyAndSlippery · 19/12/2010 18:25

Hmm. I kinda get the idea of training. If a man has been brought up in a house where the mum does everything for the men, he'll expect the same treatment.

BUT there has to be a point when they grow the fuck up and realise modern marriage shouldn't be like that!

Ephiny · 19/12/2010 18:26

Sorry, I disagree very much that men need 'training' to do housework etc, what they need to do is just get on with doing it. They're not children, and it's not someone else's responsibility to train them. Women don't get anyone training and coaching and gently encouraging them to do this stuff, they just get on and do it, otherwise it doesn't get done.

I read so many stories on here about men just doing nothing around the house and being quite happy for their partner/wife to work herself into exhaustion and resentment, even when she's heavily pregnant or ill or in pain and in full-time employment herself. Because they are completely selfish and just don't care about or think about their partner's feelings, only their own comfort and convenience. I have no interest in devoting my life to trying to train someone like that into behaving like a decent human being.

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 18:27

I don't buy the training thing or the typical man thing either.

I think it is a good excuse for lazy fuckers.
And I think it is an excuse that some women seem extraordinarily keen to accept.

ToffeeChristmascake · 19/12/2010 18:30

He sounds spoilt and immature. That doesn't mean he won't change though. Sounds as if he hasn't realised what having a baby means to you both, ie adult responsibilities. Maybe if you tell him that this is actually giving you doubts about your future together, it will scare him enough to examine his behaviour and realise that he was being unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for you. It must have been a hellish journey with a small baby - and then to come back to all that. Poor you.

Truckulent · 19/12/2010 18:31

The problem with housework I think is it's subjective.

I do the bare minimum and can sleep at night about this.

My ex could do about 4 hours a day of housework.

Both products of our upbringing.

Who is right?

hatesponge · 19/12/2010 18:36

my Ex grew up in a house where his mum never worked and is constantly doing housework, honestly the woman does not sit down ever. He never lifted a finger when living at home.

As he is also a lazy fucker, he expected to do the same when he moved in with me. It's nothing to do with training, its more to do with being idle.

Possibly had my Ex ever lived on his own rather than living at home til he was 34 he might not be such a lost cause, but thats another story...

pagwatch · 19/12/2010 18:43

Truckulent

Both i think. There isn't a right or wrong as long as one persons choice does not negatively impact the others.
When dh cleans up I don't expect him to do it the same as me. But we both know what constitutes basic cleanliness. Compromise affects this as every other issue doesn't it?

Hatesponge.
Me too. Mil did everything although actually she was very senior in her career too. Fil does nothing. It is astonishing to watch isn't it?

But dh took about a week to 'train' by which I mean he adjusted because watching me do stuff while he sat there didn't make sense to either of us.

So I would say ' get off your arse and Hoover while I polish' and he would say ' which is the best spray for the bathroom'... Not too challenging really.

SkyBluePearl · 19/12/2010 19:18

He sounds very selfish and ignorant - i agree it would have been more apporpriate to have a clean house and a warm meal waiting for you after such a nightmare. Must have been very scarey driving in blizzard conditions and then exhausting staying in one room over night/driving for hours.

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