Ridiculous Christmas present situation

[Fibilou]

This is going to be a rant so apols in advance.

Last year I asked my parents for a Pandora bracelet, I really like them and thought that it would be easy for everyone in the future to get Christmas and birthday presents as I could just tick a variety of prices in the catalogue adn people could buy to suit their budget.

FF to this year. My parents don't want to buy me charms, even though I can't think of anything else I actually want. I can't afford to buy them for myself and as they usually spend around £150 on me it would have been nice to have had a few charms. I don't really understand why they bought it to start with if they didn't want to get new bits for it in the future.

Then MIL phoned me the other day and asked what I want for Christmas. They usually spend about £25-30 on me so I said that I would really like a new charm for my bracelet. MIL said "but I thought you had charms for the bracelet" I explained that I would like a new one. Clearly not keen on this idea she said "Dh said you needed some new clothes" I do NOT want new clothes, I loathe buying clothes as I am a 20 so shopping for clothes is not some joyful experience. I said no, I don't want to buy any new clothes really. "What about a Monsoon voucher" "No, I'd really rather not to be honest as I just don't want to buy any clothes".
Well the conversation ended that I am getting the voucher whether I like it or not. As we all know there's not much in Monsoon for £25 so I will either end up spending it on DD or will have to put money towards a purchase.

I can't understand why people ask you what you want, you say something within the price range adn they still won't buy it and then buy something you specifically say you don't want. The charms are easy for MIL to get as she works just up the road from a Pandora shop. She did this last year, I said "I really don't want any toiletries, I have so many that I'm trying to use them up". What did I get ? Smellies....

Fifi, re your Bible story . Appalling.

Argh, have copied a v good post and forgotten who wrote it! Anyway, it's this one: "I mean obviously if they have asked for crack I can see why they'd choose something else but charms" - the idea of asking for crack is hilarious! Fibilou, perhaps this should be your strategy next year - ask for a few grams of crack, then leave MIL in shock for a week. Then call back and say: " Ok, I suppose I could stoop to another charm instead, but I'm only doing this as it's what you want."

As for the idea that it's all about grasping, how badly those posters have missedthe point. FWIW I was shocked at the £150 on a gift statement; I'm sure our families don't go up to £10 and I still think they're generous, because giving almost any gift is generous. But gifts can be stupid, too, and refusing to give something harmless which you know will be cherished and used AND is well within your budget shows a very poor appreciation for money and a very high level of self-absorption.

I think there is not much point in asking someone what they want, if you are then going to argue with them about it and then buy them something they really don't want anyway.

Why bother asking?

I love it when I ask someone what they would like, they tell me (and even better the best way/place to get it). It ends up with both of us happy, is a win win.

To be honest if I asked for something and got the reaction that you're having mj, I think I'd tell the person not to bother. My taste is quite different from that of a lot of people I know, particularly my sisters, and if they used giving me a present as an opportunity to judge what I like and as a reason to tell me my taste isn't up to their standards I'd tell them to stuff it up their arse. Presents aren't about value for money and they're not an opportunity to educate someone about what they should like. You should buy a person what they want and like, end of story.

mj, what things do you like ?
Post the types of things you like to wear and we can all enjoy telling you that it's tacky, overpriced crap

What Trillian said a few pages ago - it's them saying 'we know better than you what you really need/want/like'

My mum did this to me a few years ago and as it was while I was 37 weeks pg with DD I was a bit fragile... I'd asked her for JL vouchers as I was saving up for something big that I didn't expect any one person to give me.

She gave me.... a glass William Morris wallpaper paperweight with an owl in it. She loves owls. I don't do paperwork. It was obviously quite expensive and I'm afraid when she called me to see how much I liked it I was v. hormonal and said it wasn't my taste at all, why did she buy it for me when I'd asked her for vouchers (she lives in JL and is an account holder so not difficult for her to buy) and she said 'well, I liked it and you need a paperweight.' She was most disgruntled when I burst into tears...

It really amazes me that some people can't see things from another person's point of view at all, that they honestly think it's ok to go out and buy something they like to give to someone else.

I was very when I asked my sister to come wedding dress shopping with me and she said no because I wouldn't like anything she picked. I said, that obviously she would pick out things she thought I would like and she said no she would only pick dresses that she would wear (which wouldn't be to my taste at all). When I quizzed her on it, it turned out that she feels utterly incapable of thinking what another person might like and that she would find it impossible to look at a dress and say "Oh that's not my taste, but Writer would love it." It struck me as so bizarre at the time but it actually explains a lot of her behaviour, which can be horribly self centred at times.

If a person disregards another person's wishes and just goes ahead and buys something they want themselves it shows a basic lack of empathy.

Have only read a couple of pages so forgive me if I repeat anything but I find the notion of adults writing Christmas lists or ticking things in catalogues for people downright odd.

Yes Megatron, far better for the gift recipient to have something they don't want.

If I was buying something that has a brochure wtih lots of choice for someone, I would rather that person indicated, in the brochure, which ones they liked - rather than them choosing one I already had/don't like and then had to change.

And actually the "catalogue" thing occured like this - I picked up the brochure in the pandora shop, circled the ones I liked and said to DH - if anyone wants to buy me one for birthdays/christmas i've circled the ones I like.

It's not like I handed out a catalogue to everyone I know saying " get me this".

I think this thread is split into people who have had to grin and pretend to like gifts that others have lovingly bought for them, without any thought about if the receiver would like/want it; and those who have been the provider of such gifts.

Personally, I think of gift buying as buying something for someone that will will want/use/enjoy, it's not about my enjoyment of purchasing that thing or an opportunity for me to 'improve' the person I'm buying for's taste.

OP - if she's not already got the voucher, could you call her back and ask for one for a department store? At least that way you've got a better chance of getting something you like.

Fib
You really should go in for some psychic work

Not something your MIL sounds particularly well qualified for eh Fib ?

But perhaps you are, as you appear to know for certain that you're not getting Monsoon vouchers from others.

YANBU at all.

At Christmas the priority of gift buying in our house is

DC
Family members
Me and DP

As DP and I are at the bottom of the pile we often don't buy each other anything.

I have tried in the past to say to family (DP's) please don't get us anything - they never listen to responses when they ask what we would like and we are then obliged to buy stuff for them that I'm sure they don't want too.

They buy inappropriate presents for DC too, DS2 had 4 huge remote control trucks by the age of 3. They were meant for older children and he couldn't drive them properly. Electronic drum machine, with no volume control, for him when DD was 2 weeks old...

And it was horrible the year that I really kicked up a fuss, repeatedly told them NOT to get us anything and they ignored us and bought us stuff crap anyway and we were empty handed.

I hate the whole waste aspect of it and I hate that we spend lots of money on them and are then unable to buy each other anything.

How on earth am I behaving like a toddler ? When she gives me the Monsoon voucher I specifically said I didn't want I will say thankyou very much and be grateful for it. In fact when MIL said she was going to get it anyway I said "thankyou very much, that would be lovely". Just because I've vented off a bit of steam on here doesn't mean I'm throwing a toddler strop. Grow up.

And I know I won't be getting any other Monsoon vouchers as I only get presents from my parents and PIL. My parents do not give vouchers or money.

FFS, there is no element of toddler tantrum from the OP.

The only person behaving childishly is the MIL who appears to have a history of deliberately buying things she knows the OP doesn't want.

I think it's rude once someone has already bought the gift to stick out your bottom lip and try to "guide" them to buying differently for you next time.

But then again I hate wasted money so I see the point of gently hinting that next time a boxful of plastic tat might not be a good idea.

And I also think it's weird tht if someone goes to the trouble of asking that they then ignore what you've suggested.

Christmas is a minefield all round really. Bah humbug

Hello, newbie and usually lurker here :)

I was very drawn to this thread as I find present giving a total minefield.

I have been the over generous and over excited shopper - agonising at length over appropriateness of gift for recipient, packaging etc, and I realise now that it was as much about me wanting to do something well as it was about making others happy.

I spent most Christmasses being told off by DH and Mum about how much I was spending and how I might make other people feel bad if they didn't measure up - although I truly don't give a stuff if I get anything in return because I HAVE pretty much everything I want/need and if I don't I get it at some point myself.

I have scaled down over the last few years, and this year has gone utterly t*ts up - I haven't even sent cards yet because I've been sorting out my MH issues with a back story of 16 years plus, my Father had a heart attack on 16th November and his wife is now in our local Psychiatric hospital which is on one point of the distant three sided triangle which seperates Dad and us as well and which we are negotiating every other day while keeping dad topped up with groceries etc and taking him to visit her.

Eldest SD (26) and her dog have moved in in the last two weeks as her relationship with psychotic BF has imploded and she is now on ADs and waiting for counselling... two SDs that live with us are supposed to be going to their Mum in Essex on 23rd for first Christmas with their new baby sister, and of course with the weather like this that's looking like a bit of a pipe dream.

Christmas Day will probably involve juggling getting either my Dad to St Annes to visit Step_Mother, or getting Step Mother to Dads cos she may be well enough to come home for the day - ie not rolling round the floor having "convulsions" which my Dad will not be able to physically prevent because of his newly discovered heart disease and recovery from stents. Plus my Mum who lives alone up the road is pencilled in to cook Christmas dinner at our house, and we are not sure yet how many people will be here. She does not like eldest SD for not wholly unreasonable reasons, and it's possible my 16 YO DS will have to run interference between them if we are playing taxis.

So, ah yes, gift giving.

If you hear news reports of a woman being sectioned for trying to forcibly insert satsumas into the orifice of anyone who feels Christmas is not up to their ususal standard this year (self included and not in an auto erotic context) it's probably me.

Merry Christmas one and all

(Runs from thread cackling manically)

Oh and yes, it is the only thing I want. I have to think really long and hard about anything else because there is nothing else I want. The only other thing I can think of is a new shoulder bag - and my Mum is getting that. We have a tiny house, I already have loads of stuff and I just don't need more.
I did suggest that we didn't do Christmas presents this year but that was about as popular as a hogroast at a bar mitzvah

My MIL is pretty sound but when it comes to Christmas she loses the plot and buys the most bizarre, inappropriate things - even though I'm not massively into gifts (and our flat is very, very small so we don't really want 'stuff'). I make it quite clear that if she really wants to buy me anything I would rather have vouchers for Argos, Wilkos etc. All ignored, bless her.

Best year ever was when I got this (pictures not exact models but you get the idea):

scary hand

AND this

scary figure

I think they both have the same function. I found it very funny but managed to keep a straight face.

YANBU OP, I asked for exactly the same thing last year. Didn't get the bracelet, but did get a lovely pair of pearl earrings from the same shop. They are exactly like the one's I already had ...and was wearing on christmas day- humph!

Quite a few posters seem to mention presents from MIL or FIL.

I don't have any DIL's or SIL's yet, but if I ever do I hope I'll be able to give some serious thought to their presents, and choose something they'd like, reflecting their interests and possibly something to do with our relationship/ shared experiences.

DIL's and SIL's so often seem to be come out badly, and be at the bottom of the pile, last to be thought of.

I think I'm right in saying my mother has given her SIL's boxes of biscuits for Christmas, also socks etc. etc.

But I suppose she did grow up in the war !

Whenever I go home after staying at their's she can't resist loading me up with various random fruit and other groceries !

I don't actually like it when someone has a gift list. To me, it makes no sense. If I had to spend £20 on a gift, and someone else had to do the same, and we both chose what we wanted for ourselves, then surely the easiest thing to do would be to buy your own gift??

I like that it is a surprise, and I think selecting something that you think the other person would like, shows thought.

However, saying that - if someone actually tells me what they want, I would buy that. I would just be slightly annoyed, but wouldn't show it, of course.