Does this sound like my DH is having an affair?

[MrsRigby]

I've already posted this in the relationships section, but wanted to post here also for the high traffic - AIBU

Married for 4 years with 2 children aged 2 years and 2 months.

He has a go at me every day, has stopped kissing me goodnight and has said that he doesn't want any more children.

He also works away alot and goes on a lot of work night outs.

The other night, he went down to London for the Christmas Party. He never rang me on getting back to the hotel before going to bed, usually he does.

I asked him before if he still wants to be with me and he just went quiet. When I pressed him for an answer and told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one, his reply was I could get a solicitor if I wanted to.

When he next came back in to the living room (he went to bed at 9.30pm), I asked him why was he still with me and did he love me. He replyed that he loves his wife/MrsRigby, but not the person I am.

I still don't know what to think.

He tells me that I won't let him see his friends and family - I've never stopped him and he say's he doesn't have a social life. He says that when he does go out, I give him a hard time for it both before and after. I don't. He turns everything around on me.

I have no family or friends and no money, so I wonder if he is just staying with me, because he feels sorry for me or if he's staying with me because he thinks I won't allow him access to the children.

He say's his Christmas and New Years holidays were cancelled, but I wonder if he cancelled them because he didn't want to be around me.

I'm trying not to cry.

The more he has a go at me, the more I love him less. I don't know if I even love him anymore to be honest as I'd be happy to agree to a divorce if that's what he wanted. I think I'd even let him have an affair if that would make him happy and leave me alone.

When he's away, I manage probably better than when he's here and I think I'm happier too.

I'm really trying not to cry, but when I look at my youngest lying on my lap, full of cold ...

I checked his mobile txt's before, normally he has his mobile with him all the time - he takes it with him into the shower of a morning. Anyway he sent a message to a male colleague telling him that there were lots of seriously hot women here (at the party).

What do you all think???

No. There is nothing there that directly points to an affair.

But if all that does not tell you something is seriously wrong in your relationship, then nothing will.

I'm sorrry things are so shit. Have you considered counselling as talking doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere.

well, um, its completely fair that he doesn't want any more children...we are all entitled to feel what we feel about that...

you say he feels he cant see friends and family. what does that mean? you give no examples to go on.

I find it worrying that you have no friends or family why is that? ...its hard to be everything to one person...do you think this impacts on your relationship?

You are clearly unhappy. He is clearly unhappy. What do yo think is the way forward?

I think you need some couples counselling now.

Oh, and as you are married, he is entitled to "access" to the kids It's not your choice so I think maybe those worries are not the issue?

Taking his mobile everywhere is an affair thing as is changing passwords

A lot of this 'I need to find myself/ dont know who you are' crap is too

I dont know if he is or not, of course, but I do suspect he is as he is behaving in a way similar to my ex when he was

Not sure if you're asking the right question...I think it should be, do YOU want to be with him?

How long has it been like this?
And what if you found out he was having an affair, how would that change things for you? As you said, you would even consider letting him have an affair.
Personally, this sounds like it's over, definitley for you, and probably for him. I know it's hard when you have children, but at least they are young. Splitting up is never easy, but you do have a right to be happy, and YOU have a choice of whether you want to be with him or not, it's not just about his choice.
How would you feel about giving it a time limit and see if things have improved, or your feelings towards him have gotten better or worse and going from there?

I don't think it necessarily points to affair but if you want to salvage your marriage you need to think about way forward, agree counselling.

Having a tiny baby puts a lot of strain on relationship, and hard to get out in these circumstances.

An affair's not really the point, is it?

Neither of you are happy. Things must change. Relate or other counselling may help, or some time apart.

Good luck. :)

It doesn't sound as though he is having an affair...it does sound as if you're having a breakdown in cmmunication though.

All the things he accuses of....you say you are guilty of nothing...is that really the case? I feel very bad for you....as Ihave also had problems wih my DH...but we DID get through them...the fact he says he loves his wife...is good.

I there anyway you could go out for an evening with him? To talk alone?

madamedefarge that's what he tells me. He say's I stop him seeing his friends and family (I never have) and that when he does see them, I give him a hard time for it both before and after. I don't.

The other night he was down in London at a work Christmas Party. He never telephoned me when he got back to the hotel, like he usually does, but I purposely didn't question him about this, or say anything because I didn't want him to accuse me of giving him a hard time for enjoying himself. The next day, he came home and started having a go at me for every little thing.

My father physically abused me and my mother and brother watched and allowed it to happen, so I moved out when I was 21 and haven't seen or spoken to them for 10 years. I don't have any friends, because I don't go out, I've never liked going out. I only met DH because he was on the train I was on, on my way home from work.

I thought talking would be the way forward, but he doesn't really seem to want to talk.

I'd do couples counselling, but no one to look after the children and besides I'm breastfeeding our 2 month old. He doesn't like me breastfeeding.

As soon as the little one starts nursery in 10/11 months time, I'm going to dye my hair bright red. I've wanted to for ages, but haven't because he doesn't like red hair.

Whethergirl...it doesn't sound like it's over at all...it sounds like the OPS DH is havingg a cnfusingg time for some reason and that he is unable to explain things properly to the OP.

WHY would you say such a thing when you have NO knowlege of their relationship other than what the OP said in the OP.

I think you do need tomeale the effort for counselling. Could the baby come with you? (sorry if that is a stupid question I have never breast fed. But it does
seem like you are in very dire straits) . Could it be that as you have been badly treated in the past you are insecure?

If he is behaving badly and communication has broken down so badly then getting to the bottom of the issues
should take priority

To make I meant.

I am not sure re the affair question. There are certainly some things in your op that me me think he is.

However, I do think he wants out of your marriage

Sorry, didn't mean to make such harsh judgements on something so important...but I only have what the op said in her op to go on. And not at any point did op imply she wants this relationship.

I think sometimes it's useful to be thrown "extreme" statements because it can make you really find out how you feel. So if op read my post and felt annoyed or protective over her relationship....it's a good sign that there is something there after all.

But still, apologies if I was quick to assume, it's only my opinion which can be totally incorrect.

whethergirl I think if it wasn't for the children, I might be tempted to do what I did 10 years ago - leave and never come back. I don't think him having an affair would have an effect on me. Maybe that's why he's having a go at me, because he's feeling guilty about doing so. I'm happy to agree to him having sex with other women if he'll just be nice to me.

Almost started crying there, almost.

Mrs R, before I read your last post I did wonder if your H might be a controlling man. You will find lots of people on here much more experienced with that.

I do think you should consider couples counselling. If he won't agree to that, then you might benefit from counselling alone, given your past history of abuse.

Contact your local Sure Start for help with childcare with this.

The red hair is a bit odd. If you want to do it, why wait? It is your hair. Or are you trying to provoke a response, in which case, it is very passive - aggressive, and not necessarily constructive.

hey op - i am having similar time - not the phone in shower thing but much of the rest. feel like i am in limbo, just either want to sort things out or get on with the split and hate it hanging over me like an axe.

agree with other posters - think about what you really want love x

Don't stay for the children, because they WILL pick up on the fact that neither of you are happy :(

And what's this about him 'not liking' you breastfeeding?

jaybird37 before I met DH, I used to dye my hair bright red. When I met DH it wasn't bright red and when I mentioned about dying it again, he said not to because he didn't like red hair.

I guess it would be my way of saying fuck you, I don't care about what you want anymore, I'm dying my hair bright red.

Lately I've wanted to be surrounded by colour, I'm sure a phychiatrist would have a field day with me.

I do apologise for the spelling, but can't be arsed trying to locate a dictionary right now.

Trying to look after the little one who has a cold. Trying not to wind myself up thinking it could be swine flu - really, I should know better.

dammedeitherway I agree, I just want the truth out and to deal with things.

Having two small children can put tremendous pressure on the relationship and it may be that he is struggling to the adjustments (not saying it's easy for you either).

There isn't anything that would definitely strike me as affair like behaviour from the OP but you both sound deeply unhappy.

Can you speak to your health visitor or GP for support?

But why would you be happy to let him have sex with other women? Come on, you are worth more than that. Why give up the chance to be in a happy relationship? Or to just have a happier everyday life? I understand it's hard because of the children but it happens and the dc's will be ok, especially as they're so young. One of the most important things you can do as a mother, is to be happy. If you are happy, the kids are happy, you can parent better and you can give them more.

However don't want to sound like I'm just trying to encourage you to leave, it's just that it comes across as that's what you truly want.

"I'm happy to agree to him having sex with other women if he'll just be nice to me". That doesn't really make sense, and is quite disturbing. Is that really the kind of marriage you want? I think you should definitley somehow get some relationship counselling, perhaps even just for yourself, as I fear that your history may be having an effect on your self esteem and what you should expect from men. It's not ok for him to accuse you unecessarily, pick on you, or have affairs.

I'm not speaking to the health visitor reindeerbollocks she won't leave me alone as it is.

flisspaps he say's he supports my breastfeeding, but then try's pushing the bottle whenever he can. He want's me to give the baby a bottle before we go out anywhere as a family, as he doesn't want him to wake up/start crying. I'm going to wake the little one up in a few minutes to give him a bottle, as if I stay up until 11pm and then give him a bottle, he'll sleep through the night. DH gets in a mood if he wakes up during the night.

whethergirl I just want to be happy. If him having an affair makes him happy and stops him from having a go at me, then so be it.

My eyes are watering, but I'm having none of it.

Don't really know what's going on with your relationship but....YOU ARE TWO MONTHS POST NATAL!

This is a really really tough time for both of you. Hormones are flying, there is more adjustment to the family home, there is sleep deprivation.

Please don't say or do anything rash for at least 6 months. Relationships always suffer during this time...and I'm speaking from personal experience as well.

Maybe she can sense your distress?

Do you want to save the relationship? I think relationship counselling may help - or trying to set aside an hour every couple of days to communicate properly, may help you both work out what you want ( difficult with a bf baby I know).