Does this sound like my DH is having an affair?

[MrsRigby]

I've already posted this in the relationships section, but wanted to post here also for the high traffic - AIBU

Married for 4 years with 2 children aged 2 years and 2 months.

He has a go at me every day, has stopped kissing me goodnight and has said that he doesn't want any more children.

He also works away alot and goes on a lot of work night outs.

The other night, he went down to London for the Christmas Party. He never rang me on getting back to the hotel before going to bed, usually he does.

I asked him before if he still wants to be with me and he just went quiet. When I pressed him for an answer and told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one, his reply was I could get a solicitor if I wanted to.

When he next came back in to the living room (he went to bed at 9.30pm), I asked him why was he still with me and did he love me. He replyed that he loves his wife/MrsRigby, but not the person I am.

I still don't know what to think.

He tells me that I won't let him see his friends and family - I've never stopped him and he say's he doesn't have a social life. He says that when he does go out, I give him a hard time for it both before and after. I don't. He turns everything around on me.

I have no family or friends and no money, so I wonder if he is just staying with me, because he feels sorry for me or if he's staying with me because he thinks I won't allow him access to the children.

He say's his Christmas and New Years holidays were cancelled, but I wonder if he cancelled them because he didn't want to be around me.

I'm trying not to cry.

The more he has a go at me, the more I love him less. I don't know if I even love him anymore to be honest as I'd be happy to agree to a divorce if that's what he wanted. I think I'd even let him have an affair if that would make him happy and leave me alone.

When he's away, I manage probably better than when he's here and I think I'm happier too.

I'm really trying not to cry, but when I look at my youngest lying on my lap, full of cold ...

I checked his mobile txt's before, normally he has his mobile with him all the time - he takes it with him into the shower of a morning. Anyway he sent a message to a male colleague telling him that there were lots of seriously hot women here (at the party).

What do you all think???

He sounds horrid.

it bothers me soooo much when I see women making excuses for shit men

AnyFucker in this case it's about two children who will only ever get one chance of a family life with their mum and dad together. Communicating with a man doesn't mean making excuses for him, infact it's the most assertive thing you can do to empower yourself because unless you communicate you can't tell him what is and isn't acceptable to you in life and marriage and you can't carve out a future. If you WANT to.
It's all too easy to say he's a bastard an shit but that doesn't help her move forward to a place where she can get her relationship sorted to HER satisfaction. All that attitude does is mean you end up a split family still with no communication, a situation which I have seen first hand do real and nasty damage to children.

Me too.....

OP whatever the situation, however little sleep everyone is getting this is the time for your DH to put you first.

SSW, if you start off with a baseline that it's all soooo hard for men to grow up and look out for their wives and families, and how we should cut them some slack because they don't "get it" like women do, then you are always going to be the partner that does all the work, in the relationship, and on the relationship

I don't see any evidence here of the bloke trying to "communicate" with the Op, unless of course you count the underlying subtext which screams out "I deserve more than you, because I am a man"

if you would put up with a bloke behaving like this, then good luck to you, but I wouldn't

This is just may take on it:

You sound very depressed to me. And I think that without support networks of frineds and family and now not even your partner it would hardly be surprising.

You say you never go out and never did because you don't like it. That is absolutely fine, but obviously your partner is the type who does like to occassionally, so do you think he feels guilty if he goes out or sees his family as you don't see yours. And he wrongly tries to make it it's your fault for making him feel this way and perhaps misinterprets your behaviour/what you say to justify his guilt? He may feel a lot of pressure as he is all you have. Also, I used to find not wanting to go out was a symptom of my depression and not just a personal preference of mine. So that may be a warning signal in itself.

I don't think that he is necessarily having an affair but your marriage definitely needs some work. Try and talk through things. If it doesn't work and he still behaves like a man you don't want to be with then don't just stay with him beacuse he is all you have. Try to find ways to enrich your life in other ways and build your self-esteem. x

I don't think we should cut them any slack, no but I do think they are naturally more self absorbed; and unless you have lines of cimmunication open with your bloke you have no hope of clearly explaining what is and isn't acceptable. Most men I know have not had a problem coping but clearly the more immature type can do which is why this thread exists - also, I am strong and I wouldn't allow myself to be treated like shit but the OP might just have problems there and it's not helpful just to say "don't make excuses" because that leaves you just one outcome! Doesn't mean I would accept it - just that you've got no hope of changing it if you don't attempt to communicate.
It's either communicate assertively in order to improve your situation, or split right now and end the family for the kids isn't it.
Adults have to try the communicating bit once they have made the decision to bring kids into the world. Basic responsibility.
Agree with you that he's not communicating; it's a two way street of course, the OP can't do it on her own, he has to be willing to; but it takes MUTUAL understanding and an adult approach to start that process.
Maybe he wouldn't be able to get to the starting post on that score, anyway!

Obviously it's hard to really tell from a post on a messageboard, but I was in a relationship with a man like the way OP's husband sounds, and the kind of shit he is giving her is just the tip of the iceberg.

It is a terrible thing for any one person to be wholly dependant on another.

I agree, that can cause a lot of pressure on the party who is still going out, having contact with their family etc.

However, the facts as we know them are:

She has just had their baby (presumably he had something to do with that)

He does not support her breastfeeding because he thinks it robs him of his sleep.

He has told her she can "get a solicitor if she wants"

He is still going out, although he complains he has no social life. Hands up all the women out there who had a social life with an 8 week old baby.
(Ok, I went to a party, but just one!)

He is clearly angry and obviously she is depressed. That seems to be a given, but he is NOT behaving in a decent way.

We can and should expect the same decent behaviour from men as from women, and I say that as a woman who has known some real shits, and also (thank God)one or two really wonderful men.

Northern, that's a perfect and balanced post. To be honest I don't think you could give him any more slack than that!! He sounds as if he has the OP just where he wants, ball in her court if she doesn't get a solicitor he gets to remind her she chose to stay and therefore the threat of him leaving is always going to be there.

He sounds very much like my ex-DH who did not want to be married any more and answered all those questions you have posed to your DH in much the same way. Basically, he did not have the bollocks to walk away and hoped that if he treated me badly enough, then I'd leave him. Not a chance. He met someone else after 2 years and began an affair even though our marriage had long been over in all but name. But I hung on in there and was quids in when I filed for divorce. Didn't do much for my self confidence though....

FTWM...that sounds like a version of hell to me

what a waste of precious time, when you could have moved on much more quickly

I know - looking back I should have just cut my losses. Still, chalked it down to (a not very nice) experience and am now married to lovely man who likes ironing - Result

aw, good, glad to hear it

1. Get a full time job - out earn him, it's fun. I'm sure it helped that I went to back after a few weeks full time because then you do have money, do get dressed up each day etc.

1. Go out more. If he wanst nights out you have them - say he can have 2 nights out a week and you will be out 2 nights a week. That will show him.

1. I don't think he is having an affair because the text referred to lots of girls rather than you found the hourly text from the woman he's fallen in love with.

1. Make sure your sex life is good. Buy some DVDs and new underwear.

Although he doesn't sound that keen to stay. Does he realise the consequenes of a split though - he might have the children one week in two and have to organise child care, do all his own washing and his income will halve. That won't be much fun even if there is a lover if he has babies around not letting him and her get on with it.

Xenia - sorry but "Get a full time job - out earn him" and buying sexy underwear is terrible advice - have you read the whole thread???

I'm back, thank you for all your comments.

We talked a little last night and he said that although he had thought about asking for a divorce, he decided not to. He now say's he loves me and wants to make our marriage work, though he doesn't know what the problem is or how to fix things.

He brought me a bar of Cadburys Wholenut today.

I guess all I can do is ignore what I'm feeling, hope things get better and trust him when he tells me that he hasn't had sex/an affair with anyone.

He and DS1 had their hair cut at the hairdresses today and the hairdresser got him talking about the Christmas Party in London. He told her wife's weren't allowed, which he thought was a pity. I interjected and put forward that with all the pretty women there to flirt with, he wouldn't enjoy it as much if I were there. He was very silent.

A few posters have put forward that I may be suffering from PND. I can say 100% that I absolutely do not have this. I suffered for 7 months after my first was born, I never loved or wanted him and we very nearly had him adopted. Thank christ I came out of it. He's a beautiful, blonde, (neither his Dad or I are) blue-eyed boy - Hitler would be proud!

whethergirl I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Besides, he told me not long back that my crying was just emotional blackmail. He seems to have a thing with crying. When DS2 was a few weeks old, we were coming back from the shops in the car and he started crying (DS2), DH absolutely lost it and was incandesant with rage, he went red, was screaming as loud as possible and pushing and pulling on the steering wheel. He screamed so much that both DS1 and DS2 went silent and I started crying.

msklo he doesn't like me breastfeeding because he thinks I'm hung up on it and the baby is not getting much. He keeps saying I should get a pump to measure how much I'm producing.

adrenalinejunkie I promise I do not have a go at him when he goes out. I don't resent him for being the sole provider of my social life. He still gets to go out whenever he wants. DH says he can't cope with looking after the 2 children, it's hard enough getting a shower so going out is out of the question and if I did go out and leave the children with him, he'd probably be pissed because I'm not going out with him.

2rebecca no, we're not having sex at the moment, the little one is in our room and we just can't. I just meant I wanted him to stop shouting at me.

georgimama I can't remember what things were like 2 months after DS1. I do remember I had very bad PND, but nothing more.

frostyandslippery yes, all 3 (no 2 was a missed miscarriage) were planned and at least on my part, very much wanted. DH said that before me, he never wanted children.

xenia I wouldn't want a full time job, to be honest I don't want a job full stop - I just want to stay at home looking after my babies. In any case, I can't out earn him as he earns loads.

Sorry it took me so long to reply, been a bit busy with DS2.

DH gave him a bottle whilst I cooked and washed up and he is now asleep in his arms.

hmmm. He does sound like a bit of a piece of work. Are you sure you want to be with him? Really?

I guess all I can do is ignore what I'm feeling

Christ almighty, what a miserable existence.

He brought me a bar of Cadburys Wholenut today.

You really have to dig deep to find any redeeming features, don't you...

He gave his own baby a bottle.

Everything is hunky-dory then !

I am sorry Mrs Rigby, I don't mean to make you feel worse but it makes me feel very bad indeed when I see women being so grateful for any crumbs like this from an abusive man's table

I can't remember the eloquent phrase either ... I think you got the gist of it though

Agree with AnyFucker - this guy has treated you like rubbish and has now succeeded in making you feel grateful for crumbs.

You deserve more than this. From the sounds of things you are a great mum (kudos on keeping on with the BF - really fantastic) and you deserve to be with a man who doesn't treat you like this.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is what marriage should be like? That this is the way to treat a woman/be treated by a man? Would you let your children be treated like this by someone else? Of course not. So don't let yourself be treated like this.

Think of yourself in five years time. Do you really still want to be living like this? You need to get out.

I really would try to talk to your HV or your GP. You are in an abusive relationship and you need some face to face support.

xx

MrsR...would you consider ringing someone like Womens Aid just for a chat and to get some perspective on your situation ?

They won't try to pressurise you or label you as anything at all, but they can offer some RL support for you, or recommend counsellors in your area.

Meant to add - can you do something for yourself? Appreciate it's hard with a little one, but could you go to a mums and baby group, or to the local library or something? Somewhere where you could meet other mums/have a chat with someone other than your husband?

What do you like to do? Swim? Read? Cook? Go to the cinema? Could you try to do this at some point? To add something positive into your life?

xx