Does this sound like my DH is having an affair?

[MrsRigby]

I've already posted this in the relationships section, but wanted to post here also for the high traffic - AIBU

Married for 4 years with 2 children aged 2 years and 2 months.

He has a go at me every day, has stopped kissing me goodnight and has said that he doesn't want any more children.

He also works away alot and goes on a lot of work night outs.

The other night, he went down to London for the Christmas Party. He never rang me on getting back to the hotel before going to bed, usually he does.

I asked him before if he still wants to be with me and he just went quiet. When I pressed him for an answer and told him he could have a divorce if he wanted one, his reply was I could get a solicitor if I wanted to.

When he next came back in to the living room (he went to bed at 9.30pm), I asked him why was he still with me and did he love me. He replyed that he loves his wife/MrsRigby, but not the person I am.

I still don't know what to think.

He tells me that I won't let him see his friends and family - I've never stopped him and he say's he doesn't have a social life. He says that when he does go out, I give him a hard time for it both before and after. I don't. He turns everything around on me.

I have no family or friends and no money, so I wonder if he is just staying with me, because he feels sorry for me or if he's staying with me because he thinks I won't allow him access to the children.

He say's his Christmas and New Years holidays were cancelled, but I wonder if he cancelled them because he didn't want to be around me.

I'm trying not to cry.

The more he has a go at me, the more I love him less. I don't know if I even love him anymore to be honest as I'd be happy to agree to a divorce if that's what he wanted. I think I'd even let him have an affair if that would make him happy and leave me alone.

When he's away, I manage probably better than when he's here and I think I'm happier too.

I'm really trying not to cry, but when I look at my youngest lying on my lap, full of cold ...

I checked his mobile txt's before, normally he has his mobile with him all the time - he takes it with him into the shower of a morning. Anyway he sent a message to a male colleague telling him that there were lots of seriously hot women here (at the party).

What do you all think???

I'd agree that from your description that your husband sounds like he's being unreasonable. But I think you need to focus on yourself because to me you sound quite down in the dumps. I think if you spoke to your health visitor she would be really helpful, they are able to point you in the direction of all kinds of services.

Mine was brilliant at helping me through some rocky patches.

I think that's really sound advice from amijee, it is a difficult time. However, doesn't mean you need to carry on being unhappy! Also noticed few times now you mentioned about not crying...maybe it would do you good to have a little cry? You don't need to stop your tears, if you feel like crying, then just cry, sometimes you feel better for it.

You are defining your happiness as your dp not having a go at you, think about that. Would that really make you happy, for him to have an affair? Do you really know that would make him happy and stop having a go at you?

I think you do need to tell him to simmer down with the nagging because you really don't need it right now with two young children. Amijee is right, it's a challenging time and nothing wrong with waiting to see how things might progress. But he can't be having a go at you for the next 6 months, that has to stop.

Can you do some counselling on your own? I know it must be hard as you bf (which is brilliant especially as you are going through such a shit time)but maybe the doctor can recommend somewhere where you can take your baby with you?

I am really sorry to hear of your troubles, you sound as if you are having, and have had, a really rough time

The mobile everywhere and in the shower is suspicious...

Dye your hair red and do something you want to do!

Why doesnt he like you bf? I get so incensed by men who display this attitude, he should be sooooo proud of you for bf not showing dislike!

I really hope you find some answers x

And you are worth more more more than staying with a husband who shags away or who does not show you love - and so do your dc
They need to see love in a house, not this

good luck xxxx

i think you both need to go to counselling. there could be a lot of issues here having a new baby could have freaked him out a bit and he might feel the need to party and feel free and single again (i am not in anyway condoning this i have just heard it can happen). is there any chance you could be suffering post natal depression and seeing things from a very negative point of view.
do you really not have a go at him when he goes out? or do you make sure he knows how unhappy you are about it by being snappy /giving him the silent treatment?.
You say in your op you have no friends or family , it seems you could be totally dependant on your dh for a social life and you both resent it, trying a parent/child group could help or making friends on mn is a good way to ease yourself in gently. Does your dh look after the children if you want to go out? It does seem very unreasonable that he seems to have such a good social life so soon after your dc has been born especially if you are not afforede the same luxury. I hope you feel better soon and you can pm me if you need to talk .

Well, can't possibly say whether he is having an affair or not, but his comments to you are those of someone who is not happy in the relationship.

I think that you should stop dismissing what he's telling you about his unhappiness - he says you stop him doing X - you dismiss that. He says you give him a hard time - you dismiss that...

You may not be able to see why he's saying that, but you have no right to tell him that it's not 'true' (as in his feelings or perception of things)

You need to sit down and ask for clarification.

"You say that I don't let you see family and friends. I'm sorry you feel that way. How do I do that? Can you give me examples?"

"You say that I give you a hard time - tell me what I say that is giving you a hard time. I want to understand."

Either he will give you a long long list of things and you will be able to see that you do in fact behave the way he is describing without realising it.

OR - he will be totally unable to back up what he's saying, will get cross with you for wanting to have examples and you will know that he is full of shit and trying to blame you because he just wants out of the marriage but wants it to be your fault.

Agree it sounds as though neither of you are happy and the affair issue is irrelevent. Why would you want to continue with this relationship if he wasn't when you are happier with him not there and want him to leave you alone?
Agree re marriage guidance and talking to each other. You have grown emotionally apart. Your marriege will end either by an affair or other means if you don't both want to be emotionally closer.
Are you haveing sex or has that stopped. I wasn't sure if the bit about wanting him to leave you alone meant you now hated sex with him, never a good sign.

Fwiw I take my mobile into the bathroom when I have a shower, and I tend to carry it around the house with me. I am not trying to hide anything, it's just what I do!

I don't know whether he is having an affair or not, but agree with the others that you need help. op, you sound desperately unhappy and almost like you're resigned to being that way - like you'll put up with anything just for a quiet life. You don't have to live like this, you deserve so much better.

I agree that you shouldn't dismiss your dp's concerns - asking him for examples of what he means is a good idea. Only you can decide if it's worth talking to your hv, but if she won't leave you alone, could it be that she is concerned about possible pnd or something? You do sound very depressed, and without meaning to be harsh, I can tell you from personal experience that it can be very difficult to live with someone suffering from depression - it really is as if they become different people altogether at times, and I wonder if he is alluding to this?

Whatever happens with your dp, I really think you need help. Could you talk to your gp? Don't worry about the childcare - there will be a way around that.

Is Anyfucker still around? She is good at this kind of analysis (if I can remember correcly)

OP: so sorry that things are crap at the moment. I do not have any words of wisdom but I do hope you get sorted.

I don't think he's having an affair - I think he just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Are you sure his accusations are totally without foundation? That you don't try and stop him seeing his friends and family?

seems odd he would say that if there was nothing in it.

I'm not blaming you at all but it sounds like your marriage is crumbling. It also sounds as though he isn't that bothered about putting it back together.

It's a horrible thing to be experiencing - especially this time of year but you need to discuss it calmly. Can somebody take your kids for a couple of hours?

You have an eight week old baby and he's sulking because s/he is cramping his style and you're too knackered to be any fun.

You also have an eight week old baby and he's finding excuses to be out of the house, and is blaming you for this.

He is behaving appallingly.

new baby = huge pressure/life change.

he is deffo being an arse - but then we are nly hearing one side of the story. You could very well be as annoying?

my advice would be to not make any decisions right now. i think i read somewhere that you should wait until a new baby is 6 months old before making any huge decisions like this.

i would also get yourself time away from the kids, leaving him in charge - even if its once a week to go to the gym.

agree, he is behaving badly. a 2 month old, and a toddler. He is being a big kid, and no wonder you are so unhappy.

You ARE worth more, how dare he be so unsupportive.

I think you would be better off without him tbh.

"DH gets in a mood if he wakes up during the night."

What an appalling attitude, especially as I am guessing you are the one feeding the baby if he does wake up in the night.

What did he say when you suggested counselling?

I think also with a new baby this would not be a good time to make big decisions.

OP, this man sounds really controlling and frankly utterly selfish.

With your history of abuse and rejection, you probably became quite insecure and needed to be with someone "strong".

I am sure your husband picked up on this fact when he met. Bullies have a knack of sniffing out people with weaknesses they can exploit.

I am not saying it is that calculated, more that certain personality types seem to find each other.

The trouble is,in the years you have been with him, you have not grown as a social person (not going out can mean a lot of things, but even if you don't like the pub, there are a myriad of social things you can do.)

Therefore you are solely dependent on him for your social contact, emotional support, money. Everything.

I am sure he resents this situation, even as he has surely helped to create it.

The fact that you say you have an 8 week baby and he is:

a) Complaining that you are impacting on his social life.
b)Complaining about you bf'ing
c)Whinging that you getting up in the night is disturbing him

Is enough to show me that he is really childish, selfish and undermining of you.
You seem like you are doing all of the babycare completely alone.

As far as the affair thing goes, well, the fact that he takes his phone into the shower would suggest that he is doing something he doesn't want you to know about.
It doesn't really seem like the main issue though.

When you are able you need to take a good look at your life, your needs, and what you have let slide.
It can be quite insidious, the way a controlling bully can chip away at your confidence until you are wholly dependent on them.
Take control of your own life bit by bit and you will be able to see what you need.

I have to agree with northernrock. The little you have said about your husband shows him up to be selfish, controlling and rude. Most parents with a toddler and a very young baby would be quite accepting of the fact that they can't go out or see other people - that's part and parcel of being a parent. If you were stopping him from seeing his family etc it would be totally understandable as you need his help to look after the children, so he has nothing to complain about.
Why on earth does he get annoyed if you get up in the night with the baby? That is an utterly bizarre response, as getting up with the baby is absolutely essential and not something you're doing just to be a pain. Also I am very suspicious of the fact that he claims not to like you as you are - what does he mean by that? It would interesting if you could get him to explain, as I suspect you have changed in some way (probably due to becoming a mum) that doesn't fit with his fixed opinions and attitudes and he wants to manipulate you back to being the way you were .

The way I see it from what you've written, there are two possibilities going on here. The first is that he is genuinely a bullying manipulative man who had you the way he wanted you for a time but now that you've changed he is getting angry and is trying to regain control over you. If that is the case he has no regard for your feelings and you need to get away from him asap.

The other is that he is frustrated with you as a person and is finding it hard to hide that. Perhaps if you stood up to him more, and was less compliant he would actually have more respect for you? Either way his response would let you know what he's like because if you did stand up to him and he got angry or slapped you down then you'd know he wasn't worth it anyway.

As others have said, it does seem from your posts that you do not have a healthy concept of a happy relationship as the one you're in at the moment is a million miles away from acceptable. It would be a very good idea for you to get counselling just for yourself to sort out any problems you have to get your head straight about what you want and deserve out of life.

Good luck.

agree with amijee. Sleep dep is AWFUL. Also breastfed and struggled to be nice to each other a lot during first 7 months.
Try to get out together for walks. Gives an oportunity to talk. Try to nail him on EXACTLY what he wants to change and then ask him if he thinks thats reasonable with a 2 month old (maybe it is?).
Also agree with counselling. If its too hard to sort it out, get some telephone counselling just for yourself.
Good luck

What was your relationship like 2 months after your first child was born? Think objectively - probably pretty much like it is now. Did it get better in between (I hope so considering you conceived another child at some point) and if so, when? And how?

And everything Hecate said.

I think northern rock is right on the money - she has expressed pretty much what I was going to say, but worded it much better.

I was once in a relationship with a man who complained about BF/night waking. He insisted that me BF our DS wasn't 'satisfying' him and that was why he was waking in the night and disturbing everyone. I already had an older child (not with the same partner) so knew this wasn't true but he would constantly say it and try to undermine me.

I have no immediate family living, and after our son was born we moved away from my friends (at his suggestion). this again became a stick to beat me with in that why didnt I have anyone to help out with the children/other houwse stuff, why was the burden always on him/his family etc

I spent a very long time being miserable with that man, and things got a lot worse before I finally left. I'm not saying for a minute that your relationship has to go down that route, my Ex was a very unpleasant man and our relationship as it was could never have been saved.

I do think given everything that has happened in the past you need to work out first what you want, and once you know go from there. It may be that he can provide that, it may not. But I think you need to rebuild your own confidence in yourself first.

What a horrible situation.

Your comment that you'd let him have an affair has made me so sad for you. That's not normal, you must be able to see that :(

Agree hormones must be everywhere with a tiny baby.

Is he depressed too? Finding it hard to cope with fatherhood? Were your babies planned? (or at least, was DH as eager as you to have them)

You need a serious talk without children. Your baby will be fine for an hour or two without you.

I replied on your other thread

I have no idea if he is having an affair, but this man sounds like an utter shit who doesn't deserve you, along the lines of what NorthernRock said

I agree with her entirely

I can't tell you if he's having an affair but he is treating you cruelly. I also think from some of your comments that you may have PND. Good luck x

Plus what NorthernRock said.

It was only, about what - 11 months ago, that you decided to have a second child together.
What was good then that made you want the committment of another child, and to do it at this particular time? How have things changed since then? Perhaps that will help if you think along those lines. Sometimes we get so in a rut with things being bad that we forget completely what things were like just a relatively short time ago.
I think the main issue is communication between you; I wouldn't focus on affairs/mobiles/whether you would allow him an affair - just work on communicating and tell him that's all you want at the moment, to improve that. I think all else will follow.
And I totally agree, two months post-baby is no time to be making life altering decisions which not only affect you but the children's entire futures as well!

I don't think there's an affair here. I think more likely it's the speed of transition that you are both struggling with. 5 years ago when you were both single, footloose and fancy free meeting on a train I bet life was exciting, fun, spontaneous and you only had eyes for each other. Now you're parents to two small children and life is probably quite restricted, full of responsibilities and lacking in fun as a result. You're going to be very different people to the ones that met on the train. So when he says he loves the woman he married I think that's part of it. Some men don't like that small children are 'competition' for their partner's affections. They may not say it out loud, of course.... that's what the breastfeeding comment means.

So you do have to talk. Really find out what the problems are rather than a vague 'what's wrong?' which gets you nowhere. Good luck

good post Chil. I was with DH for 8 years prior to getting married and then we'd been together 11 years when DS came along. And even with that timescale and with just one child, it has been the most testing thing being a family, I have had moments of utter rage and hate towards DH However our long friendship/foundation has paid off and enabled us to cope with the changes.
I'll get flamed but imho and in my experience men do tend to be more self absorbed and the endless demands of kids can be a huge problem when their natural inclination is toward the self - many more immature, selfish men can really really struggle at this time. That's why communication is key, you need to be carving out a direct line of communication between you because that in itself is to do with valuing each other as individuals rather than getting everything of you both sublimated in the work/bills/house/kids.