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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

An AIBU about a dog and a MIL?

82 replies

Unrulysun · 15/12/2010 14:19

This has all the ingredients for a proper flaming but I'd like to find out what the hive mind thinks (maybe).

dd is 7 months. PIL have a very badly controlled dog - not an aggressive dog but a 'jump up, wagging tail, scratching with claws, begging for food, sitting on sofa' dog. They have brought it to our house in the past where I nearly fell over it several times while heavily pregnant and where it pooed in the hall.

Since dd was born we have asked them not to bring it up because she was so little and vulnerable and we were keen to avoid any accidents. We did some research and decided 'better safe than sorry'. They were really pissed off and fell out with dh - threatening not to come to a party we had for her etc etc but then
they calmed down once they realised we weren't going
to be bullied and left him with SIL while they visited.

SIL is away over Christmas and we are going to my dps. PILs live about 30 miles from my dps and we would normally visit on Boxing Day or they would visit us.

Spoke to dh last night and he would rather they didn't visit us - they are a bit odd and he says he would rather just see them on their own as he finds them a bit embarrassing (they are a bit embarrassing - I can see his issue, MIL treats him as if he's about 12 and will interrupt him speaking to ask if he's wearing odd socks etc - very strange). Dh would therefore like to go and see them on Boxing Day morning. BUT this means with the dog and I am worried that dd is still a little bit
small. I'm mainly worried that MIL will be holding dd and the dog will be jealous and jump up and possibly even be aggressive. We can't talk to them about it as they get ridiculously aggrieved at any suggestion that the dog might have any instincts or isn't well trained ('he's's not a dog - he's a member of the family'). There is possibly a bit of pfbitis in this but I reserve the right for that and wish that they could just understand that we are new parents and we are maybe a bit overprotective.

so WWYD? Go over there and hold onto dd for dear life? Invite them to dps another day? Lie and say we're going to Scotland? Another option I haven't thought of?

OP posts:

thighsmadeofcheddar · 15/12/2010 14:24

Dog = a pain yes but has no aggressive traits?
You are both going to be there to protect your dd if anything happens. I would go. (I am a dog owner though so have little fear about these things, maybe not best person to comment.)

VivaLeBeaver · 15/12/2010 14:27

My mum has a very similar dog and it isn't allowed in the house. Mainly because it chews toys and chases the cat. I have a well behaved dog and I wouldn't dream of taking it with me when visiting relatives. It either stays in the car and I pop out every couple of hours and walk her. Or she stays at home and if we're out too long I arrange for someone to come and let her out midday.

My mum is/was a bit peeed off about her not been allowed to bring her dog in but has had to suck it up.

But I think at their house you have to put up with the dog. After all it hasn't shown any sign of aggression. Would your MIL put the dog on a lead when you first get there till its calmed down a bit and hopefully stopped jumping so much. Just say that your DD is a bit scared of jumpy dogs and that you'd hate for her to grow up scared of them, etc. She should see the sense in that hopefully. My DD is older now but my mum got her dog when DD was a few weeks old and they kind of grew up together as my mum looked after DD for me when she was a toddler. DD got very good at saying "NO" and pushing the dog down. You may need to sit on the floor with your DD so you can grab the dog if needed. But I don't think you can avoid their home, the dog is always going to be there and you can't not go for the next 10 years.

Chloe55 · 15/12/2010 14:28

Hmmm, it's a difficult one. Has the dog ever shown aggression? We have a bit of a silly dog, beautifully natured just a little mad so we keep her in the kitchen if we have visitors with young children, mainly because she could knock them over. Could this be a suggestion to your PILs? Perhaps keep the dog in the kitchen with a babygate or something?

taintedsnow · 15/12/2010 14:28

Well I'm a dog lover and owner and the dog you have described sounds exactly like the one I have. She gets excited, she jumps up sometimes, she sits on the sofa, etc. There doesn't seem to be any suggestion of aggression with the dog you are describing and I certainly would not agree with your evaluation of 'very badly controlled', that was OTT.

To be quite honest, I don't see there being a major issue here and I think YABU and close minded. To err on the side of safety, couldn't you take a playpen or travel cot over to PILs? And stipulate that DD is not to be left alone with the dog.

I am actually not surprised that PILs get annoyed with you if you speak about their dog the way you have here, it is very harsh. But they could see that you are bound to be overprotective with your PFB and meet you in the middle on this.

Out of curiousity, what breed of dog are we talking about here?

diddl · 15/12/2010 14:29

But if they visit you-at your parents(?)-will they bring the dog?

Do your parents know them at all?

Would they mind how embarrasing MIL is?

Porcelain · 15/12/2010 14:29

Can you meet for a pub lunch somewhere inbetween that doesn't allow dogs? Or can they not leave it for a couple of hours

thighsmadeofcheddar · 15/12/2010 14:29

Yes I was curious re breed too

diddl · 15/12/2010 14:31

Yes, if you visit them, can you go out or all take the dog for a walk?

Original poster

Unrulysun · 15/12/2010 14:35

I mean 'badly controlled' in the sense that they don't control it. So they can't for example, get it to sit or stay or stop barking. None of which would bother me one iota if it weren't for dd. I love the dog myself and I'd gladly have loads of, preferably large, preferably stupid, dogs in my life if we were in a position to do so. My issue is that they don't seem to realise that the dog isn't thinking 'ahhhh, a child, I must be careful' it's thinking 'oooooh a new toy' or possibly 'mmmmmmmmm lunch'.

And of course I don't speak to them about their dog as I have here!

OP posts:

allnightlong · 15/12/2010 14:35

Your being very PFB the dog hasn't harmed anyone and I'm sure your DH would take care of her just make sure that he tells them not to hold both at the same time and not to let the dog jump up.

numptysmummy · 15/12/2010 14:36

Why do people insist on taking their dogs to visit other people? I would go but ask that the dog is kept away from the baby - nothing unreasonable about wanting to prevent your dc from being knocked over or scratched.Perhaps you could take it a chew or something to paccify mil! And saying that a dog that jumps up, sits on the sofa, scratches etc is badly behaved is not ott, it's true!

DooinMeCleanin · 15/12/2010 14:38

'We can't talk to them about it as they get ridiculously aggrieved at any suggestion that the dog might have any instincts' I can see why they get aggreived at this tbh. No dog has 'instinct' to chase and hunt small children. Their instinct is to hunt small, fast furry things that smell bad. So your dd should be fine. I am of course presuming she is not furry and does not scamper at 20 mph?

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 15/12/2010 14:40

I would not let the dog in my house, DD has to come first, and the dog sounds out of control and therefore a potential hazzard

go with your gut instinct and don't worry over offending them - you have your DDs welfare at heart and if they cannot see that there is something wrong with them

and i come from a family of dog people!

DooinMeCleanin · 15/12/2010 14:40

'My issue is that they don't seem to realise that the dog isn't thinking 'ahhhh, a child, I must be careful' it's thinking 'oooooh a new toy' or possibly 'mmmmmmmmm lunch'. - again dogs don't tend eat small children. I would hope your dd smelt nothing like a wild rabbit? Perhaps bathe her before you go if she does?

Original poster

Unrulysun · 15/12/2010 14:42

Diddl they all know one another well and dps alway invite them over but dh is finding it a bit much - I can see his point, she always says something wildly offensive to someone at any given gathering. Not on purpose I don't think but nonetheless when they leave everyone tends to relax a bit. And no they wouldn't bring the dog.

I do like the idea of a walk though. We could get there - dog in kitchen for 20 mins then out for a walk then back, quick cuddle and off? That might work.

The problem with dog in another room is that he'll whine and bark and I and dh would feel very cruel. Also PIL might not agree to that.

OP posts:

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 15/12/2010 14:43

is the dog used to other small kids or not - makes a big difference.

If not then a noisy, smelly, attention taking baby, who makes unpredictable sudden noises etc can be seen as a threat/rival/enemy, making even a calmer dog act out of character

numptysmummy · 15/12/2010 14:44

Dogs are also pack animals that don't always except people into their packs just because they are our friends or family and also can get frightened by all kinds of noises, situations that we might not even be aware of! Dog's are animals without the ability to think like people and should be treated as such.

Lonnie · 15/12/2010 14:44

A dog that jumps up and barks without stopping when commanded to is badly controlled absolutely no doubt about that. IF they belive they are permitted to continue this behaviour after they have been told no they are not aware whom is the alpha in their pack that = a badly behaved dog. Just like a dog that is pushing on its lead is badly behaved..

Doesnt make it a a dangerous dog it makes it a badly behaved dog.

I am in two minds here. I think that you are fine for saying you dont wish the dog in your house I do not however think you can put the same situation on in their house. I also think it will be a good idea for yoru dd to learn about the dog and often dogs do have a fairly good idea about babies and to be careful., you are definetly over the top on the " mmm lunch comment " (I assume from what you have said above that your Pils feed their dog well)

I would go visit them but remain villigent. Also remember that even if the dog doesnt understand whom is alpha in its home it can learn that YOU and DH and dd are alpha to him .. its about how you treat it.

I would suggest for christmas you give Pils a few lessons in dog training most people whom adore their dogs like you have suggested your pils do want only the best for them.

imo you are not being unresonable but neither are you being resonable. Find a middle way

Original poster

Unrulysun · 15/12/2010 14:46

Will make sure that she has narry a whiff of woodland creature about her yes. :)

I am being a bit pfb yes. I'm ok with that though and I'm not sure that the dog never having hurt anyone makes me anymore willing to use my dd as a test case. You really never see anyone on the news after a baby's been mauled saying 'yeah, I always thought he'd do that one day' do you?

OP posts:

DooinMeCleanin · 15/12/2010 14:47

'Dogs are also pack animals that don't always except people into their packs' - I thought this was a family dog we were talking about? I didn't realise it was a wolf?

diddl · 15/12/2010 14:48

I see his point also-I have embarrassing ILs & husband prefers that they are neither seen nor heard by others.

I love dogs, but I do find dogs on sofas annoying.

Original poster

Unrulysun · 15/12/2010 14:50

Yes perpetually and numptysmummy that's what I had found out from doing a bit of looking around. I think it's different if it's a baby living with a dog tbh.

I do want her to meet/get used to/love the dog at some stage. Just want to be 100% sure that that's when it's safe for her and not just when it's convenient for pils or for us.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/12/2010 14:51

Can you PILs just put the dog in another room or outside while you visit. Unless they have complete open plan living, it shouldn't be too much of a problem.

numptysmummy · 15/12/2010 14:52

And there DooinMeCleanin is the problem - people don't get that family dogs are still wolves in a cuddly pet form!

DooinMeCleanin · 15/12/2010 14:53

Unruly the dog will be fine so long as it is supervised. Which I am sure it will be by you at least

If it jumps at you push it down and shout "No" firmly while turning away from it. It will soon learn you don't want it's attentions, dogs are clever creatures and don't boter wasting their energies if there is nothing in it for them. If MIL doesn't like it then that's tough. She should have trained her dog in the first place and she wouldn't be having these problems.

wrt babies being mauled, it is always where the child and dog have been left unsupervised when they are not used to each other. And more often that not the dog is one who has been ill-treated/neglected.

Your being a tad PFB. But I can sort of understand why, if you are not used to dogs. Sorry for my shitty comments, but I get so sick of hearing crap ebing spouted off about dogs and have just lost two very important dogs, so I'm feeling a bit huffy.

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