An AIBU about a dog and a MIL?

[Unrulysun]

This has all the ingredients for a proper flaming but I'd like to find out what the hive mind thinks (maybe).

dd is 7 months. PIL have a very badly controlled dog - not an aggressive dog but a 'jump up, wagging tail, scratching with claws, begging for food, sitting on sofa' dog. They have brought it to our house in the past where I nearly fell over it several times while heavily pregnant and where it pooed in the hall.

Since dd was born we have asked them not to bring it up because she was so little and vulnerable and we were keen to avoid any accidents. We did some research and decided 'better safe than sorry'. They were really pissed off and fell out with dh - threatening not to come to a party we had for her etc etc but then
they calmed down once they realised we weren't going
to be bullied and left him with SIL while they visited.

SIL is away over Christmas and we are going to my dps. PILs live about 30 miles from my dps and we would normally visit on Boxing Day or they would visit us.

Spoke to dh last night and he would rather they didn't visit us - they are a bit odd and he says he would rather just see them on their own as he finds them a bit embarrassing (they are a bit embarrassing - I can see his issue, MIL treats him as if he's about 12 and will interrupt him speaking to ask if he's wearing odd socks etc - very strange). Dh would therefore like to go and see them on Boxing Day morning. BUT this means with the dog and I am worried that dd is still a little bit
small. I'm mainly worried that MIL will be holding dd and the dog will be jealous and jump up and possibly even be aggressive. We can't talk to them about it as they get ridiculously aggrieved at any suggestion that the dog might have any instincts or isn't well trained ('he's's not a dog - he's a member of the family'). There is possibly a bit of pfbitis in this but I reserve the right for that and wish that they could just understand that we are new parents and we are maybe a bit overprotective.

so WWYD? Go over there and hold onto dd for dear life? Invite them to dps another day? Lie and say we're going to Scotland? Another option I haven't thought of?

I don't think YABU. I have a slightly wild springer, who is controlled, but he can get over excited and has been known to jump up or round people, and IF he happens to have his mouth open he can give you a nasty bang with his teeth.

My cousin used to have a Great Dane, and would insist on bringing it to my parents' house on Christmas Day ffs. There would be 12 of us sat around with a bloody huge dog in the middle of us - knocking off drinks with her tail, and she once stole an enormous lump of cheddar. When the dog died, and they moved house, they were meant to be getting another dog but became too houseproud, to the point where they tut tutted round my DD when we visited them when she was 5. Funny how people's priorties change!

But your priority is your DD. Any concerns about the dog at all and simply do not go. The walk sounds like a good suggestion - or maybe the weather will intervene.

'And there DooinMeCleanin is the problem - people don't get that family dogs are still wolves in a cuddly pet form!' - really??? Wow. And there is me thinking that thousands of years of domisication had taken place, thus chaging the dogs appearence and behaviour dramatically from that of it's wolf counter parts.

Are we still apes then? Best ring the Zoo and tell them to release our cousins.

You'll be holding the baby (or dh will) so she'll be fine. You can't not ever see them with the two in the same place,it is their house. I say that as the proud mother of a pfb (4 months) and owner of 2 slightly nutty/dim dogs!

DooinMcleanin thanks for the advice and sorry for your loss :(

dh and I are both dog people which is one reason why I don't think it's reasonable to the dog to expect it to know how to behave or understand this little interloper. It's a problem with PILs not putting dd above themselves tbh. And in the summer they suggested bring the dog up and leaving it in the car while they visited which made us both very :( for the dog.

DMC - sorry about the loss of your dogs, i'm not anti dogs at all, i have 4 atm and had to have one pts not very long ago. My problem is with the people who treat them like children not animals and the sad thing is it's the dogs who end up getting the shitty end of the stick. The latest trend at the dc's school is to walk your dog to school and take them all in the playground. It would seem that i am neurotic in thinking that this is asking for trouble even though there are entire dogs,bitches in season all sniffing each other. Only takes for one of those bitches to turn around and snap at a dog whilst a small child is in bites reach

My mil has baby gates at the kitchen door just for this reason. 2springer spannies and a westie live behind the gate in the kitchen and the rest of the house is free when boy is there. They only get access once boy is gone/in bed. Any chance your pils could set something up like this?

I walk my dog to school but he is firmly controlled, nuetered and we stand at the gates. I only take one at a time as I cannot fully watch two and dd2.

Have a word with the school if it concerns you.

DooinMeCleanin I agree with everything you've said

sorry about your dogs

Festivecoatgate yes dh is praying for snow tbh!

It's more silly jumping with paws that I'm concerned about. And also that there's always 'creep' with pils - so you agree dogs can come but need to be in kitchen and then it's 'oh, we can let them into the hall' and before you know it they're sitting in your lap eating your biscuits.

Had a word with school and they can't see the problem.

Ethelina I think this might work if dh can negotiate it with MIL. It's such a pain to have to explain to her why it's necessary though. Actually (so far) everyone here's been very understanding and thought about it from dd's pov :) but she doesn't seem able to do that. :(

hold DD and watch the dog, if your MIL holds DD and the dog jumps then tell it to get down and as someone else said explain you love dogs and you dont want DD to grow up scared of them. Dont make it into an issue at a family time of year as its not snarling pit bull, and whilst that does not mean it is safe (I have had dogs all my life and personally believe you can never trust an animal 100% with a child, becuase they are an animal!), it doesnt mean she is going to get hurt. My DS godmother has a pug who is excitable and woofy and DD can get a bit freaked out so we have taught her to tell the dog to go away (she is 2 mind, so older than yours) and that seems to work. There is a big big difference between a dog being excited and being agressive. So just hold on to DD or put her in travel cot so she doesnt get trampled or scratched beacuse ina year or so she will be old enough for it not to be an issue.

I don't think it's PFB not to want a dog that jumps up and doesn't respond to commands around a small baby. Of course it's unlikely to maul her, but it could knock someone carrying her down, slobber in her face, try to jump into the lap of the person holding her on the sofa and stand on her. It seems to me the likelihood of it scaring her, or a minor injury like a scratch is beyond what the OP finds acceptable. No matter how lovely and friendly the dog is, there is still the possibility of an accident.

He can go and see htem on his own.

Thanks Porcelain and Loie. :)

expat - he could, but neither he nor I are the main event this year are we?

One child, 1 or 2 adult parents + 2 adult grandparents, I cannot see why someone can't hover over the child and/or the dog at all times to make sure dog does not knock child over and child does not annoy dog.

That is how I would sort it.

I have 4 DC and it is impossible to hover over them all at all times, I would find it impossible, but you should have no problems. Leaving aside dozey grandparents, you've got 2 parents on hand to supervise 1 toddler and one benign if over-excited dog (clear 1:1 ratio?)? There is no problem.

YANBU to be concerned about your DD being accidentally hurt by their dog, but YABVU for thinking it may be inclined to deliberately harm her.

Regardles of how your PIL allow the dog to behave (and that is entirely their choice) how you behave around the dog will greatly influence how it behaves towards you. If the dog jumps up, ignore it. Only give it attention when it is either sat or has all four feet firmly on the ground. Keep your DD with you or next to you or even on your lap at first and as she is unlikely to be able to remain calm and quiet if the dog bothers her, if the dog comes over, simply pick up your DD and ignore the dog whilst holding your DD. Evetually the dog will start to realise that actually, you're a bit boring (to the dog!) and ignore you. Lets face it, if the dog accidentally scratches your DD, whilst it's not that nice, it's not likely to do her any serious damage either, is it?

Have you tried discussing with your PIL? Maybe saying something along the lines of the dog is so keen you're worried about accidental injury to your DD and so maybe when you are there they can work with you to get the dog to ignore you and DD.

YABU, if this is really an issue about the PILs then don't make it about the dog.

You seem to know that if the dog does not have a history of aggression, which is doesn't, then really your DD will be fine if supervised.

If you don't think your PILs are taking on board your concerns then sit down and have a chat with them and explain that you would like DD to meet the dog and for you all to be in the same place together but on your terms, so as not to frighten DD and to make you feel reassured. Tell them that you are glad that you can be open and honest with them, and that you are glad that you are able to come to an agreement. Also make it clear that the rules are not to be broken or "pushed" by FIL if he is prone to doing so, and if they are then you cannot continue with the arrangement.

You may be pleasantly surprised. My cousin and her husband have two dogs which aren't very well controlled (a labrador and a labradoodle). They are lovely dogs but get overexcited and don't really respond to commands.

We are very close to them and I was worried about the babies being around them (they bark a lot and tend to jump up, they also sit on the furniture etc) but just had to bite the bullet for the sake of our friendship! They are very definitely their babies. But when it came down to it, the dogs gave the babies a sniff and a lick and that was about it. I do make sure the babies are sitting on someone's knee or near someone so they can be easily grabbed in case of a flying paw or two. And if the dog comes over, make sure you have hold of your LO's hands or arms so they can't grab and pull something. Although this has happened and the dogs have been fine with it!

The boys absolutely love the dogs, are fascinated by them and its lots of fun.

Take a nice big juicy marrow bone with you. Put dog and bone in the kitchen. DH makes big fuss of dog.

Whilst PIL have a cuddle, you or DH play with the dog.

Dogs are very daft easily distracted.

Are your parents going with you to the PIL's? If not, why not just leave your dd with them - maybe pretend she's ill so you'll then also have an excuse for an early exit.

We have a very nutty friendly dog that I know my sil/bil are not keen on and when they come over we just put him in his dog crate so he doesn't jump all over the kids.

YANBU. Many people swear blind their dog would never harm anyone, and they're probably right. But at 18 months old I was attacked by our beloved family pet (a lovely little 5 year-old Westie) without provocation and have the (small) scars to this day.

I love dogs (certainly did not grow up with any kind of phobia), but would never have one as a pet with small children, and would certainly not want to have them around my baby. In this situation, I would visit, but keep hold of the baby all the time. Hopefully you can avoid all-out war with the inlaws, but still have your baby's safety as your obvious priority.

Lotterywinner if it were possible to have the kind if grown up measured sensible conversation you suggest then this really wouldn't be an issue. And it is mainly about pils but it obviously is also a bit about the dog - am not worried about mil jumping up and scratching dd. :)

thisisyoursong thanks for that - I hope this will be what happens.

Dockate - :( this is my worry.

Christmaswrapping - a very good idea which we'll incorporate into the plan. :)

Gogopops - I think that would be the start of WW3 as they would assume it was about the dog and then rain fiery fury down upon us!

why doesnt your dh tell them he will be visiting them on his own? they seem to prioritise their dog over their granddaughter so why would they no understand you doing the opposite?

Right so:

we go over in the morning on Boxing Day.

Dh takes a doggy treat/bone/present in to kitchen to make a fuss of dog. Door to kitchen remains firmly closed. Mil fusses over dd and tells me how badly we're doing as parents ;)

we all go for lovely bracing walk.

We get back and dog goes back to kitchen or it has been ok up to now and dog is calm so dh and I hover nervously over pfb anytime she is with gps and occasionally (if we get really nervous) we pick dog up under cover of fussing with dog and move it elsewhere.

Anything I've forgotten?

Thank-you for all the advice :)