An AIBU about a dog and a MIL?

[Unrulysun]

This has all the ingredients for a proper flaming but I'd like to find out what the hive mind thinks (maybe).

dd is 7 months. PIL have a very badly controlled dog - not an aggressive dog but a 'jump up, wagging tail, scratching with claws, begging for food, sitting on sofa' dog. They have brought it to our house in the past where I nearly fell over it several times while heavily pregnant and where it pooed in the hall.

Since dd was born we have asked them not to bring it up because she was so little and vulnerable and we were keen to avoid any accidents. We did some research and decided 'better safe than sorry'. They were really pissed off and fell out with dh - threatening not to come to a party we had for her etc etc but then
they calmed down once they realised we weren't going
to be bullied and left him with SIL while they visited.

SIL is away over Christmas and we are going to my dps. PILs live about 30 miles from my dps and we would normally visit on Boxing Day or they would visit us.

Spoke to dh last night and he would rather they didn't visit us - they are a bit odd and he says he would rather just see them on their own as he finds them a bit embarrassing (they are a bit embarrassing - I can see his issue, MIL treats him as if he's about 12 and will interrupt him speaking to ask if he's wearing odd socks etc - very strange). Dh would therefore like to go and see them on Boxing Day morning. BUT this means with the dog and I am worried that dd is still a little bit
small. I'm mainly worried that MIL will be holding dd and the dog will be jealous and jump up and possibly even be aggressive. We can't talk to them about it as they get ridiculously aggrieved at any suggestion that the dog might have any instincts or isn't well trained ('he's's not a dog - he's a member of the family'). There is possibly a bit of pfbitis in this but I reserve the right for that and wish that they could just understand that we are new parents and we are maybe a bit overprotective.

so WWYD? Go over there and hold onto dd for dear life? Invite them to dps another day? Lie and say we're going to Scotland? Another option I haven't thought of?

I think you are totally reasonable to not have the dog in your home (I have a dog and get really peed off when people assume their dog is automatically welcome too if they are invited), but I would not not visit your in-laws because of the dog. Personally I would accept that it may not be most relaxing visit of your lives but I would try and at least spend a few hours with them while prioritising your child's safely.

A lot of dog owners don't seem to understand the real danger that dogs pose to small children. It doesn't matter whether they are aggressive or not. An infant weighs 8 pounds, a small child 20 to 30 lbs. A big dog is like what...? 70 pounds!!!! When that dog jumps up or even walks by and brushes against a small toddler learning to walk - that could mean a fall down a flight of stairs or a nasty fall resulting in a small child's head cracking against a cement walk or tile floor or coffee table or ??. Of course the dog didn't mean to do it. So what? Keep your dog out of my house!

Mummysquirrel, you could apply the same scenario to someone else's older/larger toddler coming into your home. But hey, keep your toddler out of my house! (Actually, I would say that about some toddlers as some are so badly controlled as to be a risk to my dogs).

Midori has pretty much said what I wanted to after your first post - there is nothing at all in what you have said t suggest that this dog will be aggressive. Dogs and children need supervising. Your MIL is responsible for her dog and you are responsible for your child. Apply common sense and all will be well (and yes, you are over-panicking and being PFB but you know that).

Oh, and my dogs - three big buggers - sit on the sofas. They are not "badly controlled", they are allowed on the sofas and they are "family members". Anyone who believes that their dog isn't a family member doesn't deserve him. :)

To counter the horror stories above may I point out that my daughters are hands-on rescue volunteers - the girls have been doing this for 3 years now. They fairly regularly handle and interact with 30, 40, 50 or more dogs a day, depending on what we're doing - and not in a RSPCA-type rescue where we are only near a couple of selected dogs and H&S reigns either! My girls haven't been bitten and neither have the hundreds of thousands of children who, like mine, live with dogs day in, day out. MN might have you believe otherwise but the reality is that harm caused by dogs is very rare and there will be a reason for it, as Midori has clearly stated.

However, if you don't want to associate with the dog you don't have to of course and I would never say that anyone should be host to a dog, much as I love them myself. I do have three concerns though -

1. What happens if MIL refuses to lock her dog away in the kitchen in his own home? Frankly, I wouldn't do it to my dogs. Of course you don't have to accept that but neither does she have to accept your request. Be prepared to be told no and that therefore presumably you and your DD won't see MIL again unless in a cafe/park etc.

1. Are you aware that, in terms of behaviour, there is more potential for longer-term problems when a dog is locked away and excluded than when he is not?

1. If this is your outlook now, please, please consider things very carefully before you take on a dog of your own because I'm concerned that it wouldn't work out for you.

I'm an independent rescuer and I see so many dogs being taken to vets to be euthanised or coming into rescue when the parent/s have become jumpy about the dog being near their child and in the vast majority of cases the dog iis not the one at fault. Please don't put yourself in the position of being responsible for adding to this dreadful situation.

You do know this is an old thread?

And thanks Mummysquirrel, for bumping a thread I now know to be 6 months old.

Not just ignorant but a prat too.

Everything I have read by serious animal behaviourists has said that the idea pet dogs still act instinctively like a pack of wolves is totally wrong. Pet dogs differ in many ways from wolves as they have been kept and bred as pets and working dogs for many hundreds of years.

For example, wolves very very rarely bark - unlike many dogs. Dogs will look at something that an owner is pointing to - wolves will just look at your finger. I understand why people look to wolves when they think about dogs "instinctive" behaviour - but they are wrong to compare the two.

It has as much validity as saying if you want to understand human behaviour, look at chimps. And although we have some behavioural traits in common, with chimps, we also have many that are different.

An old thread, but yes, domestic dogs do not act like wolves. They are not wolves. Moreso, they know we are not wolves/dogs and do not treat us as though we are, what they do do is communicate with us in 'dog' because that is the only means of communication they have.