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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel i should not have to explain myself to anyone

29 replies

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 14:10

While waiting at the school gates today on dd to come out two mothers took it in turn to ask what i was getting the dc's for christmas & when i mentioned just a few things from their lists their reaction was " thats sinful" to which i started to explain that we go all out for christmas as we don't go away on family holidays in the summer time due to health issue's (me & dd) & they both talked about how i would spoil them rotten and make other children feel bad about what Santa brings them . I felt very uncomfortable tbh & annoyed at myself for explaining why we tend to go a bit overboard as i think its a personal choice what you spend at christmas & as long as you can afford it then why not .

opinions please ?

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 15/12/2010 14:11

They were probably just making conversation, I wouldn't give it a moments thought.

FindingAManger · 15/12/2010 14:13

I would have stopped listening to them/engaging with them at the word "sinful".
BTW you are explaining yourself here too.

What ARE you getting them for Christmas?

Chil1234 · 15/12/2010 14:14

YANBU The phrase, 'mind your own business' might have been invented for playground snoops such as these! Cheeky mares should have kept their nasty little noses out. I've made it a policy never to reveal anything personal about me or my family to the school-gate mafia.... working well so far. :)

fatfingers · 15/12/2010 14:14

yanbu - none of their business. Were these 2 women together or did they ask you separately? If you had 2 different people saying this to you completely independently it makes me wonder what you are buying for your dcs - a small island?

bumpybecky · 15/12/2010 14:16

I'm wondering what's on your list...

stripper Barbie?!

merrycompo · 15/12/2010 14:16

Crumbs what are you buying?!?

Maybe next time just mention one thing you're buying

lesson learnt!

taintedsnow · 15/12/2010 14:17

I'd say they were probably annoyed they hadn't spent as much themselves. It's competitive gift giving. You know your reasons for doing what you do and that's all that matters. As you say, as long as you can afford it and you're not getting into debt, then you don't really have to explain yourself to anyone on this subject.

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 14:19

They were just making conversation (maybe) when they asked (but I tend to think they just wanted to judge) but the point at which they said 'that's sinful' then went on to lambast the OP for spoiling her children and upsetting other children - goes WAY beyond 'making conversation' They were incredibly rude. Anything beyond 'Wow what lucky children' or 'Be careful, my DC might ask you to adopt them' is rude.

The only U thing you did was justify yourself - it's none of their fucking business.

The only time I judge is when people are complaining they can't pay the bills, have the heating on etc then buy their kids £100's of pounds worth of toys for christmas and I tent to think their priorities are a bit skewed.

OR when people are very well off and only spend a tenner on their kids at christmas.... but they are smaller pants.

Pixieonthemoor · 15/12/2010 14:20

Grin and bear it for school gates peace but, just to yourself, in your head, you can tell them to bog off. Its nobody's business but your own what you do and you certainly dont have to justify yourself by giving them your perfectly valid reasons!

AMumInScotland · 15/12/2010 14:22

I think the thing you have to focus on is that they are worried you will "make other children feel bad" - in other words, you are buying more than they are, and they are feeling that they will look stingy in comparison. Unkind of them to push the guilt onto making you feel uncomfortble, but lots of people do that when they feel bad about stuff - they push it off onto other people.

Trouble is, whatever you say to some people they are going to make a comparison. It might be better to say less to them in future, or just "Oh, dd's asked for a barbie" or some such thing and don't get pulled into giving detail.

allnightlong · 15/12/2010 14:25

YANBU I get these comments each year from DH side of the family I used to smile and nod but this year I had a little rant to the ILs pointing out they aren't the one paying for the gifts so have no business being 'concerned' espcially when we can afford it and that they also aren't raising our children so we will concern ourselves with their upbringing.
The changed the subject but I'm sure it won't be raised again.

FakePlasticTrees · 15/12/2010 14:28

I think they are probably feeling worried their DCs will say "but raspberry's DC's got XYZ from Father Christmas, why didn't I?". Agree in the future, rather than reel off what might sound like a list of half the Argos catalogue, just say 1 main gift and then "plus a few bits."

Original poster

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 14:35

Thanks for these replies

I felt very awkward tbh & yes from now on i will just mention one or two things if asked . I put a little aside each week & it builds up throughout the year . I only have two dc's . Yes they get alot but both their birthday's are in December & January so its a long time in between presents for them .
I suppose i felt a little upset at the "sinful" comment .

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 14:45

Honestly if anything is 'sinful' it's their behaviour not yours!

Are you children 'spoilt'? (Do they assume they will always get everything they want and kick off if they don't??)

Can you afford it without going without the basics?

Do you enjoy buying them lots of nice presents?

If the answers are No/Yes/Yes - then the problem is theirs - not yours.

Original poster

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 14:57

No the dc's are very well behaved (out in public anyway ) they would not expect half of what we get them tbh , ds (12yrs) has asked for a laptop & nothing else . So as far as he is aware thats all he's getting , DD (4yrs) is only asking for a Dsixl & Dora doll . All the extra stuff we bought for them are all surprises . I have put money aside every week throughout the year to save up for christmas so no debts thank god . I speak to both of these women every day at drop off & pick ups but only know them since dd started reception in September .

OP posts:

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 15/12/2010 15:01

I think you genuinely need to feel OK with this in yourself. You are doing nothing wrong and you do not need to justify yourself.

And then have some fun with them

Uptight motherfucker: "that's sinful"

OP: "uh-uh, actually I'm also getting them a pony and one of those driveable miniature mercedes cars from Harrods" - walk off grinning

Original poster

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 15:07

laurie

Love Fatfingers "Island" suggestion tbh Imagine the peace

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 15:07

I can't believe they were so rude to/critical of someone they barely know...

Ask Pagwatch what she's buying her kids for christmas - that will make you feel better She has the money to do it, likes doing it and makes no apology for it - just the way it should be!

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 15:08

Now of course you need to tell us what you are buying them for christmas I need a personal shopper with some energy inspiration and to shift myself to the shops before I get snowed in! GULP EEK grrrrrrrrrrr

upahill · 15/12/2010 15:12

This is excatly why I haven't done the school run in 6 years!!

Original poster

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 15:16

chipping

I saved up a little over £3,000 & enjoyed spending every penny on the dc's .
Then bought for 22 other people week by week since start of September so everyone gets something nice in our extended family . How old are your dc's ?

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 15:48

I am still looking for my god-daughter (6), my cousins kids (B7, G5, B4, G1) and my friends two B3 & G8. I'm hoping to find things of novelty value for my cousins kids that aren't too ££ (I only see them twice a year) and I am looking for a Nintendo DS (used) for my GD that isn't too ££ as I'll need to buy games as well and I already have some 'bits' for her. However, I am very very hard to please, so generally prefer to snoop other peoples lists of 'have boughts' rather than have suggestions made to me as I feel awful when I say no, no, no, no, no....

I should have gone to the shops today but didn't - I just couldnt' face it... but it's only going to get worse with more kids off school and the snow coming - and it's getting too late for internet shopping arghhhhhhhhhhhh Shopping for gifts is one of my major flaws - everything had to be 'perfect'.

scarletbegonia · 15/12/2010 16:10

Personally I think £3,000 is to much to spend but I assume you didn't mention the actual amount to the other mothers and its really none of my business what you spend.

I'm not sure the word "sinful" has ever come up in conversations I've had at the school gates so for it to be used by two different people suggests that you go to an unusual school or there is more to this than you've told us so far.

Out of interest how do you manage to save £60 per week - do you work ?

Original poster

raspberryberetbaby · 15/12/2010 16:12

LoL chipping I am very fussy hard to please too , I have to see toys/gifts for myself instead of letting dh go shopping alone for things or christmas would end up a tack fest .
My dd is really into baking ATM so maybe a few baking kits would be nice for the younger girls ? Peppa pig roller skates ?
We are expecting more snow here by Friday so trying to sort everything out before then .

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 15/12/2010 16:19

That was my theory too - I was going to be finished by today - ha haahahahahahahahahhh

Yes they do love baking - the 'bits' I have already include some cutters and whisks etc Great minds think alike :)

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