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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder how on earth working mums manage, both financially and mentally/physically?

130 replies

superv1xen · 15/12/2010 11:32

by financially, i mean mums who are on minimum to average wage mostly.

i would love to go back to work, my DC are 18 mo and 4.6 but i honestly don't know how people do it. if i worked in the day i would have to pay for childcare and also juggle taking the DC to school / childminder, getting both kids ready and myself presentable for work, then get to work, do a days work then pick up the kids. and i am unlikely to get a job that pays much more than minimum wage, especially in the current climate. and after we have paid childcare i doubt i would have much change from my salary.

the other option would be to work evenings or weekends but i couldnt do that because after a day doing chores ie laundry, tidying, cleaning, school run, sorting the kids out etc i am as knackered as if i have done a full day at work (which i have really!) and couldnt imagine having to go out at night to work when all i want to do is collapse in front of the telly. i would just be exhausted. and if i worked weekends i would miss dp too much as thats our "quality time" as he works all week and is out of the house 12 hours a day in the week.

it isnt a criticism of working mums BTW, i honestly admire anyone who does it, i just dont know how they do it! :o

OP posts:

otchayaniye · 15/12/2010 12:15

Another benefit is I cannot pull rank on my husband. "She likes that, not that", "don't feed her this", etc. He is her carer and we are in dual control. Sounds horrible to put it like this but I think it's important in a way. I see it happening in friends' families. The SAHP has the authority and that can (doesn't always mean this, of course) cause friction.

I have a slight appetite for control (not out of control, I'm just that type) and this arrangement has meant I have to let it go. He has his relationship with her, he does it his way. It's lucky we agree about AP style, no punishment (so far) and the big issues but he gives her more treats than I would. I let it go.

It is hard. We are focused on our child for now and the rushing back/meeting (he used to bring her to my work for feeding once a day from months 15-19) and we go out every day with her, no pram, etc, do playgroups which we both hate(!) but I just feel compelled to do it this way for now.

sethstarofbethlehemsmum · 15/12/2010 12:16

I meant compared to using paid childcare Bonsoir. Obviously it is not a problem for SAHMs. If the child is at a nursery or CM you can't send them if they're sick; if a nanny or CM is sick they can't work. So something that allows you to both maintain your careers while avoiding the crises that arise due to illness is advantageous.

otchayaniye · 15/12/2010 12:19

Well, I can give you an example Bonsoir. My husband is sick, and my child is sick. He range half an hour ago to say they were in bed watching Snow White. I will be home at 3pm and he can get some kip. He is supposed to go in for a 14 hour night shift but I told him if he is bad to call in sick. He hates doing that though.

One thing, I have to (well, never demanded but I do) vacate the flat for 4-5 hours on Thursdays and Fridays as he needs some kip before the next night shift (although he tends to only have 2 hours on Fridays and comes out for the afternoon with us)

So it's an added expense to eat indoors/find picnic areas/sign up for Zoo/gambados etc etc. And no pram so slow walking/slinging for naps etc. Add bits of shopping to that and I can be knackered when I get back

PadmeHum · 15/12/2010 12:21

I would give a limb to be able to stay at home but I have to be pragmatic and accept who we are as a couple and a family.

We wouldn't be happy with sacrificing our home and moving into much smaller accommodation, which is what we'd have to do in order for me to stay at home.

So we suck it up and do our best.

togarama · 15/12/2010 12:37

I don't need much sleep and am content to live in a messy house. Tbh I agree with Alpine but that might be because I only have one DD. In general I find that I perform better when I'm busy. Life isn't easy but job and baby aren't the things that make it hard for me.

JodiesMummy · 15/12/2010 12:45

This is my life!

I earn more than DP and so I have to work full time, would be nice if I didnt have to but hey ho.

MIL has been my childcare as she can afford not to work and she never asked me for one penny so we were very very lucky in that respect. I just had to buy nappies and milk etc to store at her house. She was a godsend.

I would love another baby but we cant afford mme to stop work so there is no point - MIL has done her bit and I wouldnt expect her to have another for me while I worked.

I clean and wash after work and cook most nights, but sometimes I do just think sod it and things at home become a little lazy. There is no way I can keep up to my own standards at home and keep motherhood, a relationship and a demanding job in the air as well - sometimes you have to let somethings slide.

Adversecamber · 15/12/2010 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/12/2010 17:34

Its not that hard to work and have children, millions do it be it in the day or at night. Staying home all day is not exactly hard work so lots of mums prefer to work evenings to save on childcare.

Lots work and break even with childcare costs to keep their career going or they dont like to rely on their partner to provide for them whilst they get the luxury of not working etc.

Bairyheaver · 15/12/2010 17:39

I need to work so therfore I have to do it, and to be honest when I listen to the sahm's that I know complaining that they are soooo tired or soooo busy it makes me roll my eyes and inwardly think how pathetic they are!

snowflake69 · 15/12/2010 17:42

I work 25 hours and my husband does 40+. We get tax credits to cover childcare but no other benefits. We work for a combined income of 22k.

I love going to work. I would be on more money if I stayed at home and claimed HB but I dont want to. I love my job and my daughter comes to work with me.

NurseGladys · 15/12/2010 17:45

DH shares the workload, picks up and drops off kids and helps out with chores, cooking etc...we both work full time so this is fair, we enjoy weekends and evenings with our kids. My kids are 5 and 8 and it really doesn't take that long to get ready and out if you are fairly organised and do things the night before.
My DH's Grandmother was an inspiration to me- she was a school Principal and had 5 children and worked her whole life (and through a war!)She would have also been doing the majority of the chores. So it can be done!

lovelyopaque · 15/12/2010 17:48

I find it hard tbh, but necessary, both in short term and long term. Most working mums I know do not get their children fed elsewhere or potty trained elsewhere either so you do cook every night, run them to classes and everyting else. I like a tidy house too and find that in school holidays it is no more messy when the dc are there, because I am around to keep on top of things. Mine can wreck the place within 15mins of being in!

poshsinglemum · 15/12/2010 17:49

I love going to work. It's a welcome break from childcare. I work part time which means I get a balance but I do find my job so much more easy in comparison.

LadyWellian · 15/12/2010 17:50

Have been back at work for over 10yrs, since DD was 3mo. I've always said being a working mother is about doing two things equally badly.

Oh, and FreddieStarr you might have magic children that only require care and attention between the hours of 8am and 6pm, but most of us don't. (Apologies if you were being tongue-in-cheek).

JoBettany · 15/12/2010 17:51

I work FT,and am no longer with my DS's dad. I just have one DS. I use breakfast and after school club for child care.

I just about keep on top of the housework but the ironing is often behind. I do a lot at the weekend and in the evenings.

I don't feel particularly tired or stressed though - it's just my life. I have to work full time ( and I want to).

It does sometimes mean I am up until ridiculously late hours if I am having visitors and want to bake or prepare a meal but I quite like that too.

I do think it's a bit easier for me because I only have one child and he goes to his dad's one night during the week and every second weekend.

PinkIceQueen · 15/12/2010 18:05

Single parent here. I do it because I have to. I am constantly knackered... but still find time to come on MN as you see

House is tiny so Sunday is dedicated to housework and washing, anything that doesn't get done waits til the following Sunday, no choice.

violethill · 15/12/2010 19:00

What's that saying... 'If you want something doing, ask a busy woman...?'

I agree with alpine and sonnet. Generally, the less people do, the less they are capable of coping with.

I'm a teacher. It's fascinating to see how the A grade pupils are often the ones who are also in the orchestra, the sports teams, have a Saturday job, and are really great, well rounded young people.

There's also the fact that in the 21st century, many household chores really don't need to take that long. We don't have to wash all our clothes by hand - we stick them in the machine and press the button. Shopping can be done on line or in one big weekly shop - you don't need to walk round dozens of different shops and wait half an hour to be served. Of course, it's perfectly possible to make those chores expand to fit the time available if you choose. But as far as I'm concerned, there are more interesting and stimulating things to do than run the hoover around 5 times a week.

panettoinydog · 15/12/2010 19:08

Yes, generally agree with what violet has said.

It's amazing how much can be achieved when you are determined.

pointythings · 15/12/2010 19:20

I've worked F/T pretty much consistently, DH works F/T as well - bills have to be paid, we like to save and not have any debt other than our mortgage... The first 5 years were tough with two lots of nursery fees to pay, it was less bad once they were both in school though still a lot of out of school care to pay for, but it's amazing what you can do. Our house is not pristine, we do not do ironing, but everyone is warm, clean and fed and the only wildlife in our house is of the invited kind.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/12/2010 19:23

Well, I am much more efficient now I work FT after being a SAHM for 5 years. And DH is much more involved in the day to day running of our lives and our home, which we all like. I can afford to work, in that my salary is much more than my childcare, and I could afford not to, in that my DH earns enough to support the family, but I have had my sabbatical. I like my job - it's hard and frantic and a lot of fun (White paper notwithstanding). I think my worst of all worlds would be an undemanding full time (or even part time) job. I would resent the time, whereas I like the hours I spend working now. I am also exceptionally lucky to have the school holidays. I think that makes a massive difference too.

goingmadinthecountry · 15/12/2010 19:24

I don't know. I've done both - normally work a couple of days a week but was working full time for a couple of months earlier in the year. House wasn't any messier, dd3 probably missed out on a bit of reading. DH works abroad during the week so no help. I always do laundry at 5.45 anyway so it doesn't mess up my day. Family of 6 means lots sadly.

Honestly, don't feel I have loads of free time now, and didn't feel too overloaded before. Maybe we women are just so amazing we adapt really well.

Rocky12 · 15/12/2010 19:33

Women who work also have household chores to do. They arent done for them....

DoNotWantAnotherMincePie · 15/12/2010 19:40

I have a lot more get up and go when I am working then when I was on Maternity for 5 months - I guess because I have to.

Personally I find it easy but then I have been doing it for 20 yrs.

BearCrimble · 15/12/2010 19:50

I don't want to be efficient, I like the slower pace that comes with being a SAHM to one small child (DS is 10 months).

I like just sitting there and playing with him - I would hate to be constantly chasing my tail. TBH I find it hard enough to do the cooking and washing up and get the clothes washing done every day as well as schedule naps, walks, music classes, seeing other mums etc. We have a cleaner for three hours every two weeks.

I get about three hours in the evening to wind down. My nights are disrupted as he is not a fantastic sleeper (we were awake from 12 til 1 and then from 5 til 6 last night) and the day starts usually some time between 6am and 7am.

I've been reading a lot about child development in the evenings so not always just sitting about watching telly/on mumsnet.

I have no plans to go back to work for at least another couple of years. I just enjoy being with him and watching him grow so much.

I have never been career minded. I love that the work I do every day is to raise a person. For me, that is much more rewarding and interesting than sitting in an office which is what I'd be doing otherwise.

I am a bit envious of people who do really interesting and rewarding jobs, but I wouldn't want to swap places with them at the moment.

I worry a bit about what I will do when he's of school age but something will come up.

violethill · 15/12/2010 20:09

DoNotWantAnotherMincePie - that's very true.

I think when you keep yourself really busy, it kind of creates more energy.

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