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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not do teacher presents?

139 replies

OutOutLetItAllOut · 14/12/2010 20:42

at the school gate today and one of the mums was talking about buying bottles of wine, (i made a comment about her making sure to invite me over!) and she said that they were for the teachers. turns out she is buying wine and chocs for the teachers, not just the main teach, but the 2 class room assistants and the 2 t.a's, ( all 4 are part time), also the head, the secetary and the chair of goveners!
a few of the others chipped in that they were doing flowers, smellies or other gifts!
i have NEVER bought a gift for a teacher at xmas, we normally bake a cake the week b4 they break up and take it in for the staff room, or make fudge.
am i the only mum who doesnt do gifts?

OP posts:
FattyArbuckel · 14/12/2010 21:45

Blimey I am stunned to think that some teachers don't want the vouchers/wine I buy for them because they think I have only bought them a present to " show off"!!! Who exactly am I showing off to fgs? It's about saying thank you for an important job done well. Most teachers go above and beyond what they are actually paid to do IMO and I think showing appreciation of this is a nice thing to do.

I would hope that teachers who don't want gifts would be courteous enough to send out a letter saying so In advance rather than to let parents waste their time and money on these mocked gifts.

PlanetEarth · 14/12/2010 21:54

I (almost) never do it. I think of it from the teacher's point of view - 30 presents, what would you do with them all? And then again at the end of the year. Totally unnecessary.

WilfShelf · 14/12/2010 21:55

Ah, well you see, I think most of us could find a use for 30 bottles of wine or boxes of chocolate, no?

But shitty bubble bath that gives you a rash? That's different...

magicmummy1 · 14/12/2010 21:58

Fatty, I think most teachers are grateful for the gifts that they receive, and it's only a small minority who complain about some of the rubbish that they get given - or at least, I like to think so.

Inevitably, they won't want to keep everything that they receive, and that's fine, but I would like to believe that most teachers would appreciate the thought.

In any case, my dd gets great pleasure from giving gifts to her beloved teachers, and I want her to grow up knowing that it's important to acknowledge and express her thanks and gratitude to the various people who help and support her. And if some poor bitter sod interprets this as me showing off, bumlicking or engaging in some sort of warped competitive parenting, frankly, that's their problem. Grin

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 14/12/2010 22:01

What it says fatty, is that the gifts are not expected, and in some cases not wanted/needed.

That's not to say the teachers are ungrateful though, which I'm sure they're not.

I see it as competative because some parents might feel they have to give a gift or the teacher won't know how much they and their DC feel about them, and for someone who struggles to buy presents for those they love, the added burden of gifts for stacks of classroom staff is just too much.

I can't understand how vouchers are seen as an OK present, it's essentially giving cash! Why not give the cash to the school??

WilfShelf · 14/12/2010 22:02

I am not a school teacher btw. I am officially Not Allowed to accept presents from my students, until their results are out in any case...

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 14/12/2010 22:04

I have no probs with my poor bitter sod status magic Grin

Why not just teach your DC to say 'Thank you Mr/Mrs Blah, I think you're a brilliant teacher'?

hatwoman · 14/12/2010 22:07

I've never done it either. I don't see the need and, if I was a teacher, would have limited appetite for wine/chocolate/nick-nacks/soap. the one exception was at my previous school where one thoughtful mum did a collection - we got the teacher a bunch of flowers and some vouchers (M&S iirc). I think that was nice. am touched by the teachers saying they like home-made cards. you big softies Smile

magicmummy1 · 14/12/2010 22:10

Angel, my DC does say thank you - she wrote lovely thank you letters to her teacher and to her two TAs at the end of last year. She decided what to say, she wrote them out and she decorated them beautifully. I know that one of the TAs was reduced to tears when she read it, and I am under no illusion that those letters meant more than any gifts that we bought. For what it's worth, I also wrote to the teacher at the end of the year to say thank you, and I shall be doing likewise at the end of this year.

As I have said above, I don't think that the gift-giving is obligatory at all, and a heartfelt thank you is worth much more. But what on earth is wrong with buying a small token as an expression of that gratitude? I do the same as an adult - for example, I buy small gifts for the staff whom I manage, for neighbours who have helped me out during the year etc, and we give a Christmas bottle to the postman, I tip my hairdresser a bit extra at this time of year. Why shouldn't the same gesture be extended to teachers? And why does this have to be interpreted in such a cynical way?

magicmummy1 · 14/12/2010 22:12

Ahem. I am under no illusion that those letters meant less than any gifts that we bought.

euracantha · 14/12/2010 22:15

I have finished nursery today for Christmas with six or seven presents from the children/parents,I believe probably chocolates/smellies etc,nice though it is for the parents to think of us i Love it when the children make something,I have decorations on my tree from 10 years ago or more by children in the past who are now heading for exams and university.I have to admit our parents also had a collection for us to go out for a meal one night.I agree with myfanwy We usually love teaching your children and th fact of whether or not you send anChristmas present doesn`t matter to me at all.

Adversecamber · 14/12/2010 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireblademum · 14/12/2010 22:20

i always found it odd that as council employees they are allowed to accept gifts at all. we aren't. essentially same employer, different department

maddy68 · 14/12/2010 22:25

OMG I am Soooooo grateful that the parents and children appreciate my efforts.
I dont care what it is at all its just nice to have a small token.
I am a secondary teacher and we dont get many :(

LynetteScavo · 14/12/2010 22:32

I have devised a chart.

It has on one side my child's behaviour, and on the other the teachers level of commitment. From this I can deduce what gift to give to the teacher at the end of term.

For example, last summer, DS1 had pushed the teacher to the limit, and she had gone out of her way to help him. So I bought her a fortnight in the Maldives a nice bottle of bubbly from me and a White Comany candle from DS, plus a thank you for not having a nervous break down letter.

But the year DS2 was angelic, and worked really hard, yet his class teacher couldn't remember if he was in the group supported daily by the TA for literacy, and turned her nose up at the fir cone he took in to show her, and let him know she thought he wasn't as bright as the other children in the class (he didn't buy that one Mrs B, even you couldn't crush him) didn't receive a gift or card at all.

I have deduced from my chart that all DC's teachers and TAs will be receiving a Christmas card and bottle of wine at the end of this term.

WilfShelf · 14/12/2010 22:40

rofl at LS chart. Yes. It does say a lot if they don't get something perhaps.

When DS1 left primary school, I wrote a letter to the teachers [he was a 10 yo boy FFS: when would he EVER do heartfelt writing...?]. Apparently they read it out in the staff room Blush. But I just wanted it acknowledged that it had been incredibly important to him, and to us, to have them do their different things to help him grow...

Herecomesthesciencebint · 14/12/2010 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mitochondria · 14/12/2010 22:45

If you want to give the teacher a present, do so.

Don't let competitive playground stuff pressure you into it, though.

I'm a secondary teacher. We don't tend to get many gifts, but I do like to get cards with thankyou messages in.

curlymama · 14/12/2010 22:46

I don't think teachers think badly of gifts Sciencebint. You have no reason at all to feel embarrased, and you can never have enough tea towels!

As I said, I'm a preschool teacher, and I love getting little things from the children, they love coming over to us and proudly handing over their present. Don't feel you need to be put off by a few people, you probably wouldn't even have thought of buying gifts for the teachers if you thought they were the sort of people that would be so rude as to not appreciate the gesture.

blackeyedsusan · 14/12/2010 23:01

I buy a present for the teacher and the TA because with Dd they have had to go above and beyond the call of duty re "accidents." Giving a present now ensures "Goodwill" for the rest ofthe year Blush as well as appreciation for what they have already done. I give a similar present at the end of the year too.

I don't think that presents should be automatic, nor necessarily expensive and no parent should be pressing others to give.

As an ex teacher I appreciate the hard work that goes into teaching and how nice it is to receive a thasnkyou, either as a gift or a parent going out of the way to thank you verbally.

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 14/12/2010 23:07

I find it a bit inappropriate to give sweetners because of the relationship between the teacher and child.

It's a relationship that is very close at the same time as having rigid formal boundaries, and gift giving (in the scale of vouchers and other high priced presents) crosses a boundary IMO.

Other people I also would find it a bit odd to give gifts to would be your doctor, local magistrates, perhaps your town council planning officer, the local bobby etc etc etc.

These people are no less deserving to receive gifts, but it's not the done thing because it wouldn't be right.

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 14/12/2010 23:10

'Giving a present now ensures "Goodwill" for the rest ofthe year'

That's exactly what makes me feel uneasy about it blackeye.

Does that mean my DD should be expecting less because I haven't shelled out?

(I'm not implying that's what you're saying black, but it just sums it up for me)

Dysgu · 14/12/2010 23:20

As a teacher I always appreciate any gifts I am given by the children that I teach. Until I read threads like this, it never crosses my mind that some parents send in gifts as a way of influencing the way in which I treat their child - to be very honest, once I have written the thank you notes to the child, I generally forget who gave me anything unless it was something particularly unusual or specific.

I do feel the children enjoy giving gifts - they are very excited about the gifts I currently have beneath the Christmas tree in my classroom with their names on and are already talking about things they have chosen with their parents, to which I always reply that it is not necessary to give me a gift but that they are very kind to think of it. I teacher mainly Year 6 children.

My personal favourites are the heartfelt thank yous - although they can be verbal too as was the one from a Year 7 parent last week at parents evening. Sometimes when we seem to spend a vast amount of our time dealing with 'issues' it is nice to have all my hard work acknowledged in a positive way.

Mowiol · 14/12/2010 23:35

I reckon there is definitely a difference between primary and secondary (I teach the latter).
But I also think there is a difference between now and when I was at school. I don't remember any of us giving gifts or cards 40 years ago in primary (or secondary) school.
I have received cards and the odd gift from pupils in secondary and, as kind and thoughtful as it is, I don't expect it.
It's my job to encourage and support pupils. Yes, I spend more of my free time working than many parents realise but that is part of the job. I derive great pleasure from seeing a pupil progress well and if I feel satisfaction from a job well done then that is worth more than any gift.
One thing that is apparent - on a side note - is that pupils coming up from primary (possibly more so nowadays than way back when I was at school!!) sometimes take time to adjust from the more "cosy" environment of they are used to and this might be why primary teachers tend to receive cards and gifts due to the closer relationship with their pupils.
Just an observation.

cherrysodalover · 15/12/2010 04:35

When i was a secondary teacher i always appreciated every gift no matter what but certainly did not expect anything.....it was always the lovely kids who brought the pressies in- ironically as it was a pleasure to teach them at all times. You do remember those kids though when their thank you is heartfelt. I never found it tacky but just felt bad when clearly a lot had been spent because you are being paid, pretty well, in my opinion for doing what is often an incredibly enjoyable job.