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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry at my mother?

31 replies

Luce2006 · 14/12/2010 10:22

here it goes, few weeks ago I was chatting to my mum and talking about what we were going to buy Little Man for Xmas. I told her that my dad ( they are separated ) was going to get him a portable console but we were still deciding on which one between the leapfrog Leapster and the VTech Mobigo. She said she would look for it and I told her there was no need because dad was going to do it. Last week we spoke again and she said she couldn't find the console so I reminded her that I didn't want her to buy one.She said ok,that it was fine with her and she would look for something else. Last Saturday my dad gave me the money and I bought the Vtech Mobigo after Little Man told me he wanted Santa to bring him that one. On Sunday morning I spoke to my mum who told me she couldn't find the Mobigo so she bought him another one. I went mental!!!!She deliberately didn't listen to me and did her own thing!!!Now my DH and I have been talking about it and he too is not happy with what has happened and I now need to talk to my mum and try and convince her to take the toy back and get it exchanged she's in Italy so we woudln't be able to exchange it here in the UK so she has to do it and I know it's going to be hard to make her see that she is at fault!! Gosh, Xmas is soooo stressfull

OP posts:

jollyoldstnickschick · 14/12/2010 10:26

I dont have family so maybe my advice is going to be wrong....but heres what Id do swap your gift buy dc another gift he'd really like,accept the gift from your Mum and know never to tell her again ,explain to your Dad whats happened (he will know what she is like ).

Its Christmas you dont need the hassle of arguments and cross words and certainly not long distance- let it go,lifes too short.

merrycompo · 14/12/2010 10:27

Agree withnickschick
and next year don't tell her what your dad is buying

stargazer83 · 14/12/2010 10:29

Take it as a lesson learnt. Never tell your mum again and exchange the one you bought.
It is very upsetting and frustraiting my mother used to do the same to me now I just refuse to tell her. If she ask's I just say if you need advice on what to get thats fine but I wont tell you what pressies I'm getting

Original poster

Luce2006 · 14/12/2010 10:29

The problem with doing that is that I bought the console from Amazon using my dad's credit card details...so it's not just a case of popping into the shop and exchange it

OP posts:

curlymama · 14/12/2010 10:30

Don't worry about making her see she was wrong, focus your conversation on the fact that you don't want dc to have two consoles, and that you will be cross if she gives it to him. Point out that you made her aware that he was already getting one, so it's only fair for her to have to make the exchange.

Try not to get too drawn into details with her, just be firm that she cannot give what she has bought to ds.

For her, this won't be about listening to what you said, it will be about competitive grandparenting. She probably won't be able to see too far past the fact that her ex has got a present for your child that he really wants, and she wants to be the one with that glory.

Original poster

Luce2006 · 14/12/2010 10:33

I think you got the real issue, curlymama it was just a case of competitive grandparenting!!! They can't stand each others
She' flying over ont he 20th so we need her to exchange the present this week

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 14/12/2010 10:36

What a pain. Sounds like either she felt in competition with your dad or has the early stages of dementia! Seriously are you sure she is ok mentally. That really sounds offensive and I don't mean it to, it's a genuine question.

My dad is like that though, asked what to get the kids for christmas and he already had the idea of getting them some films. Next time I spoke to him he was going to get the new Toy Story film. So when other people asked I told them not to get that as my dad was getting it (the kids love toy story so I really wanted them to have the film). Next time I spoke to him he had got something completely different and talked about it as though it had been really hard to know what to get! I mentioned the film and he went all vague like he didn't really remember. My dad has always been like this though, he's on another planet. Is your mum forgetful generally or anything?

jollyoldstnickschick · 14/12/2010 10:37

Didnt know about the amazon thing .

Ermmm is their another child in the family that your mum could give the gift too and give dc the gift she had for them?

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 10:43

tbh I'd let it go.

it is not the best way to have spent their money, but does it reallyl matter that your LO gets two of these rather than one of these and something else?

My ILs spend their money in a way that is unfathomable to me, but at the end of the day it is their money.

I would just say "I'm really suprised that you are getting him abother of these rather than something else that he would enjoy more" and leave it at that.

you are not going to change her so just learn how to let it go.

Original poster

Luce2006 · 14/12/2010 10:44

monkey nope, she's not forgetfull at all!!!!
I think she knew really well what she was doing
jolly there are no other kids in the family we could give the console to we can still use the games she bought to go with the console cause they are compatible with the VTech smile motion he got last Xmas so will see if I can convince her to exchange the console for games.

OP posts:

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 10:45

and you need to figure out why you are so cross about this.

is it because of the effect on your lo of having two presents the same?

or is it because you are pissed off with your mum not being able to behave like a sensible adult?

(because you can't 'fix' the latter)

Original poster

Luce2006 · 14/12/2010 10:47

muddleduck but it's the principle.isn't it?? She knew really well that my dad was getting him a console so there was no need for her to waste her money on another one.

OP posts:

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 10:51

fuck the principle.

You're not going to change her so don't waste your time trying. You will never persuade her that she is in the wrong.

hatsybatsy · 14/12/2010 10:56

can you not just take the one you bought back?

and do you really call your ds Little Man?

SuzieHomemaker · 14/12/2010 10:58

Hi Luce
Isnt that the way to explain it to your mother?

'I'm sorry you've wasted your money on that as DS is already getting that from someone else as we discussed'

Make sure that you manage the present giving on the day so that the one from your father is given first. DS will go into raptures over it and your mother may then discretely remove her gift from the pile, take it back home and exchange it. The lesson in learned but effectively is given by your son who can (in her eyes) do no wrong.

Grandparent management is really hard work sometimes!

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 11:00

"grandparent management"? wtf

I just let them get on with it. Ridiculous to try and make sure that "the lesson is learned".

They are adults not children. and if they behave like arses then just let them get on with it (unless their actions are actually upsetting your DC).

diddl · 14/12/2010 11:01

I´d be pissed off with my mum if I asked her not to do something & she did.

Sounds as if she´s done it to spite your Dad, though.

Can you give hers to a charity shop?

FindingAManger · 14/12/2010 11:09

Ask her in a very clear voice "Are you listening to me?"

If she confirms yes tell her "As you know we already have a console for DS and there is absolutely no point in him having two. You have two choices: give your one to him and I will sell it on ebay and give him the proceeds to spend on games for his console, OR take it back, get a refund and buy him something else. Your choice"

If she says No she isn't listening, then say goodbye and ask her to call back when she is ready to listen to you.

She is being very very silly.
End of!

MrsTumbles · 14/12/2010 11:10

I know this doesn't solve the full problem, but you can return goods to Amazon up to 7 days after receiving them for a full refund because of the distance selling laws. I know that it would be a hassle for you, but then at least you could get your little one something else that he wanted?

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 11:11

Why do people think it is ok to talk to adults as if they are kids?

Yes she is being a prat, but she is not 4 years old.

StarExpat · 14/12/2010 11:17

Surely you can just return the console - do you still have the packing slip and everything with the box? They would just credit it back to your Dad's credit card. And you keep the one your mother got.

I realise it's probably competitive gift buying...etc. on her part, but I'd feel so strange asking someone to return a present for me or my dc.

SuzieHomemaker · 14/12/2010 11:20

Grandparent management is vital for a happy and harmonious relationship with my mother and parents in law and stops me feeling the need to feed any of them hemlock.

muddleduck · 14/12/2010 11:22

SuzieHomemaker ... but please tell me you don't speak to them like they are toddlers or try and 'teach them lessons'

diddl · 14/12/2010 11:35

But Op´s mother has messed up-so why should OP short it out?

diddl · 14/12/2010 11:36

Sounds like I´ve been drinking!

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