Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in not wanting this woman in my home watching me?

97 replies

garrowismylaw · 12/12/2010 21:49

After yet another meeting with the school Family resource worker has informed us that
A)she will be coming to our home to 'observe' us as a 'family unit'
B) suggested we go to her parenting classes

AIBU in not wanting any of this because basically she is very young, not married and has no children herself so how can she possibly 'know' us.

Have gone along with and in fact have bent over backwards with everything the school and ED Physc have proposed for past 3-4 years. But cannot bear the idea od a stranger 'watching' us in own home.
Makes me feel like some kind of criminal...or worse.

OP posts:
TattytinsellooksDevine · 12/12/2010 21:51

I am totally with you there, I hate the idea of anything like that, but dont know the background - how did this all come about?

atswimtwolengths · 12/12/2010 21:51

Presumably she's going to be there because there's some sort of problem within the family? In that case, I'd try to see her as someone who could help me. She may have some really good ideas - just because she's young doesn't mean she doesn't have a clue. It might be easier if she hasn't got her own children, as she's not comparing your situation with her own.

TattytinsellooksDevine · 12/12/2010 21:52

If it is because your child is having trouble at school and you dont actually feel they have any more to offer, unless there is some complicated political reason why it might be a good idea to go along with it, it might be time to opt out.

SlartyBartFast · 12/12/2010 21:52

you need to go along with their suggestions. they obviously have a reason and you have nothign to hide, i presume?

we could all do with parenting classes. just to jog our memeories

TattytinsellooksDevine · 12/12/2010 21:53

Yes I agree you shouldn't necessarily worry about the own children or age thing.

TattytinsellooksDevine · 12/12/2010 21:56

See I always thought "parenting classes" would be well, fun! But partly in a fodder for taking the piss during the coffee break with the other parents kind of fun Grin

You dont have to take any of it on board, yet if the idea of what is suggested "sings" to you its worth a try.

Could you agree to the classes but not the observation? I dont see how you could relax and be normal if someone is observing you anyway. Youd get nervous, they'd show you up...arghrrr. It would fill me with dread.

Tortington · 12/12/2010 21:57

errr....why woudl she do this?

DuelingFanio · 12/12/2010 21:58

Why are they doing this?

My mum says about these things that a doctor shouldn't have to have had cancer to treat cancer. Same is true of social services/midwives etc.

stickersarecurrency · 12/12/2010 21:58

I don't think your reasons for not wanting her are that sound, although I can appreciate you might worry that she may not be as accepting of the challenges of being a parent as someone with some life experience. Presumably she has knowledge and skills which may help you? Sorry you're having a tough time.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/12/2010 21:59

there must be a reason why she is involved

perhaps she needs to observe the family dynamic in situ in order to help you to formulate strategies ?

Original poster
garrowismylaw · 12/12/2010 22:00

We have already agreed to have DS1 assessed for ASD problems, and unbeknown to us this family resourse worker has been meeting with him in school hours playing games and talking to him etc. I acknowledged that the school were okay to do this if they felt it necassary, but still felt as though they had their own agenda.
We accept there have been problems in school and have had regular meeting with school and ED Pyhc regarding this. I just feel that, until assessment results come through they should lay off. Am starting to feel overwhelmed with all these differnet people judging me and telling me that I am a crap mother and how to do it.

OP posts:
Tortington · 12/12/2010 22:00

somehow i think if yu have kids - you kinda have a different perspective in where the 'bad' mother line is IMVVVVVVHO

SlartyBartFast · 12/12/2010 22:01

thyer are there to help. not to judge.

nymphadora · 12/12/2010 22:01

I wouldn't be happy about it BUTsometimes an outsider can spot things.

Tortington · 12/12/2010 22:01

so tell them to fuck off - go to the parenting classes but dont allow them in your hme

SlartyBartFast · 12/12/2010 22:04

you have a mid wife in your home, after you had yoru dc
and a health visitor as well. do you question their credentials?

Tortington · 12/12/2010 22:07

well if i had my time again - i'd tell health visitor to fuck off

midwife looks after the medical bits

Original poster
garrowismylaw · 12/12/2010 22:07

Thing is, if I say no to her observing us at home (although I have nothing to hide, just feel we'd all be on best behaviour so not being natural IYSWIM), the school will think we are being obstructive and not wanting to help DS1.
I will go along with most things, ie, assessments, school meetings, etc, but am feeling really anxious about this now.
DH and I are going through marital probs ATM and this just seems ill timed and another thing to worry about.

OP posts:
Tortington · 12/12/2010 22:09

so let them think it

Original poster
garrowismylaw · 12/12/2010 22:10

And actually, my first HV was lovely. She had 4 kids herself and just seemed to 'know' me.
When we changed GPs due to move new HV was awful. No kids, no DH right hatchet face. She scared the hell out of me on first visit.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 12/12/2010 22:11

If you don't want to do it then say no. Some of these professionals are only book smart.

littleducks · 12/12/2010 22:11

My hv/midwifes didnt 'observe' me, they generally completed their paperwork, said my children were lovely (i admit this was almost certainly politeness) gave us a bookstart pack once and then left.

If the parenting classes dont make life awkward for you (childcare/work/whatever) i would go, i expect these wont be offered for free for much longer with all the cuts. But politely decline the observation.

masochismTangoer · 12/12/2010 22:12

garrowismylaw:
We have already agreed to have DS1 assessed for ASD problems, and unbeknown to us this family resourse worker has been meeting with him in school hours playing games and talking to him etc ... but still felt as though they had their own agenda.

I really would not be happy with that. I would have expected to be informed and be expected to have some knowledge of the person background and qualifications and what their aims were with these 'meetings'.

Obviously outsiders can spot things going on in the family dynamics that maybe the family involved can not. However as the person and school have not been open about the school meetings - it hardly a good way to build trust with your family.

I would ask for clarification from the school about these 'meetings' what their aim and purpose is and why you were not informed about them. The parenting classes might not be a bad idea but would say no to the observance thing at least until the assessment has been done.

BeerTricksPotter · 12/12/2010 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

masochismTangoer · 12/12/2010 22:18

BeerTricksPotter
If there's nothing to worry about, there's nothing to worry about, surely?

Surely that depends if they have an agenda of blaming the family rather than providing the support needed in school? Sometimes people find things they want/expect to see.

If the support worker decides to point to family dynamics could give the school cause to ignore the assessment findings.

Swipe left for the next trending thread